Raw Number 14

Straight into the Raw theme this week, and we're right back to Manhattan Center for Raw with Vince, Savage and.........BOBBY HEENAN!! Yes! The Weasel is here, and no sign of Rob Bartlett. Let's hope he has gone forever.

Vince says we can look forward to Lex Luger v "The original Hawaiian", Crush. Vince says Shawn Michaels will be on hand as well, and Heenan says Michaels is the greatest IC champ of all time.

Once the annoying siren (the one slightly less annoying than Bartlett) shuts up, Howard Finkel announces Damien Demento, the man from "The Outer reaches of your mind". That, I think, is the most stupid hometown in wrestling history. It's far from Perfect, isn't it?

Speaking of Perfect (Holy segues Batman!) his opponent is none other than..........MAX MOON! No, I'm only kidding - it's Mr Perfect. They address Bartlett's absence (sort of) and Bobby says he is going to be there every Monday from now on (Thank God!)

Perfect has the early advantage, while Damian wanders (and wonders) around the ring, hearing voices. When he gets back in the ring he ridiculously oversells a kick from Perfect, before catapulting Hennig into the cameraman at ringside. Vince plays up that Perfect and Shawn Michaels have been at odds.

Heenan demonstrates a perfect (sorry, I did it again) piece of heel commentary, talking up how Hennig is :one of the gifted athletes in the world....he can do it all.......but he's not that bright a guy." Terrific commentary - he builds him up, then says something stupid about why he hates him. Superb.

Demento seizes the opportunity, and takes control for a while, before the momentum swings back Hennig's way. As of course it should. Perfect hits a series of his favorite moves, including a kneelift and snap neckbreaker, but Demento turns the tide - briefly. A splash hits Perfect's raised knees, and after a Perfect Plex, this one's over.

Vince says Savage has adopted a school - don't let him teach them English. A small girl in a darkened room under a spotlight reads an essay, and it's something to do with the school thing. She talks about not taking drugs. Fair enough message, can't knock it. She's actually dressed a little like Ted DiBiase, which is distracting. The message is "there's no hope with dope" and she reads the essay from the perspective of herself lying dead in a casket because she took drugs. Then, in what is a most surreal turn if you break down exactly what is happening, The Undertaker appears and repeats "there's no hope with dope" and his gong and music plays. Odd.

Back to the ring, childish fat jokes, and to Heenan, who makes a horrible job (name wrong, place name wrong) of saying someone wrote to him and says he will propose to his girlfriend at Raw that night. Hang on, has this turned into a local radio show? Kids reading essays? Shout outs to couples? The cameraman goes the wrong way at first, then focuses on a guy with a bad beard, glasses, mullet combo. He makes Barry Horowitz look like Steven Seagal. Heenan says he will make sure the girl says no.

Back in the ring, Luger appears. Vince says the investigation has taken place into Luger's arm, but Jack Tunney can do nothing about it. They show x-rays of Luger's metal plate, which is a nice touch. Heenan namechecks Dr James Andrews, who gets a good push in WWE from time to time.

So it's Luger v Crush. And this is definitely pre-wellness policy, if you catch my drift. Crush pushes Luger backwards after the first lock up, and Vince sells it like he press slammed Luger into the second row. The two in the ring circle each other while Bobby is in classic Brain-mode on the headset, spouting opinions about the guy due to make the proposal.

There's a test of strength in the ring, and Vince calls Crush "The original Hawaiian punch". Ah, that will be what he meant earlier. Crush actually does military press Luger, who powders. Vince says you can see the screws protruding on Luger's arm. I'd say he probably has one loose.

Crush on top into and out of the break here, taking control with an armbar. Luger gets control back on the outside, and rams Crush into the apron and the ring post. Luger works mainly on Crush's back, meanwhile Heenan continues to be awesome. Luger puts Crush in a bearhug, which the big guys escapes by doing that clapping move round Luger's head. Hang on, isn't Crush's finisher the, errm, Crush to the head (You know, like Khali's vice grip). Why didn't he do that?

Crush makes a pretty decent comeback (I'm actually reasonably impressed with him, here) and eventually locks in said vice grip. He idiotically lets the move go, though, because he spots Doink in the crowd....on the balcony. Yes, because he is going to surprise you from there, isn't he? Crush gestures for Doink to come down for a few minutes - long enough for Luger to recover. Meanwhile, another Doink appears on the opposite balcony. I'd always remembered like 'Evil Doink', but this is pretty lame. Luger knocks Crush over the rope and gets the Hawaiians hand caught. Vince says Luger used the elbow (is it a forearm or an elbow?) but the camera missed it.

Crush is (fast) counted out, and Luger is the winner. That was pretty stupid. I've never understood why bookers will make their babyfaces look like utter morons. That just made Crush look like a sap for being taken in by Luger when he was on top.

After a plug for King of the Ring in June on PPV, and Vince says qualifying matches will be on Superstars. (the graphic says Wrestling Challenge)

Hey, it's Mr Hughes. Have we seen him on Raw yet? He emerges to no music, and will face Jason Knight (yes, the one from ECW). The commentators make very little mention of Mr Hughes to begin with, save for a Savage meekly saying 'debut'. Big Curtis is wrestling in sunglasses, by the way.

Vince eventually says that he think s we will be seeing a lot of Mr Hughes in the coming weeks. He says a number of managers are interested in Hughes. For some reason Heenan has another TV above his monitor, and starts flipping channels. I assume this is to prove they are live, or maybe to show that everything on TV sucks.

Hughes slowly (and I mean slowly) dominates, and wins with a sloppy looking version of a Boss Man Slam.

We go to a pre-tape in the desert, complete with cacti, piebald horses and circling vultures, for the Smoking Gunns. It's a pre-debut vignette. They refer to each other as 'partners' not 'brothers'.

Back in the arena, there are more shots of the 'possibly-soon-to-be-engaged couple', as this is starting to become overkill. Vinny Mac is in the ring, though, and he brings out Shawn Michaels. Vince asks Shawn about a match defending the IC title the week after against......Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Hey, the first two guys in this year's Hall of Fame.

Shawn says NYC is a dump, and he is sick of going there. Vince calls the NYC crowd 'wonderful crowd' and Shawn creases up laughing. Shawn calls McMahon "Vin man", and I'm fairly sure the crowd are chanting "Shawn is Gay". Bobby says they are saying "Shawn is Great".

Vince asks about Mr Perfect. They show footage of Shawn attacking Luger at Mania with a bin, and Shawn calls Perfect "Mr Grover", after "The guy who lives in a trash can on Sesame Street." Oooh, that's Oscar, Shawn. You know, the grouch, and the guy who rapped for Men on a Mission. Oh hell, we've got them to come soon. Something to look forward to.

Perfect emerges from the back to confront Shawn, with refs and agents (I spy Sarge and Patterson) holding him back. They don't do a great job, as Hennig gets in the ring, but Shawn runs away, despite the acrobatic pursuit by Perfect.

After a break, Vince throws to footage from Superstars of Bam Bam threatening Sherri and Tatanka making the save. I miss that little podium near the entrance where they used to do interviews. More footage shows Tatanka missing an entrance because Bam Bam laid him out backstage. Bigelow cuts his hair.

Back to the arena, and I was expecting either Tatanka or Bigelow then, but instead it's Typhoon to face Von Krus, who we met a few episodes ago. It's Vito, pre-dress, and being announced as from Germany.

Vince plugs Shawn v Hacksaw for next week, and says they will try to get Duggan on the phone. Oh, that'll be gripping. It doesn't take them long to get Jim, and brilliantly he says "Hi Vince, Hacksaw Jim Duggan here." I don't know why I found that so funny.

No-one cares about the match, clearly, but Vito gets the best of it early. Duggan talks in riddles on the phone, and I think he is saying that he wants to get to Shawn next week. Although he could be trying to explain string theory or tell you about how the Suez canal was built. It's basically unintelligible babble.

I can just about make out him saying that it is his first match for a title, and the phrase "tough guy". Four times. Typhoon, meanwhile, is on the receiving end throughout. After the call, though he hits an avalanche, a clothesline and a splash for the win.

The main event appears to be the proposal. Bobby interviews them as they sit there grinning like morons. Eventually he stands up and asks her to marry him. You're supposed to be on one knee, idiot. (Hang on, I'm turning into Heenan. Ah, that's not such a bad thing) Bobby asks how many partners they have each had before the other. They both say none. That would have been so much funnier if she'd said "twenty eight".

Heenan asks how they know they are sexually compatible. Ok, this is getting odd now. The guy says they have been going out exactly five years. She has her hand over mouth in shock. Has she given an answer yet? Heenan makes the guy get on one knee and ask properly, which he does. She says yes. Wrestling has warped me so much. I was expecting a heel turn and for her to slap him. Heenan asks if they'll get married on Raw. The guy says no, and I proclaim him the SMARTEST MAN EVER TO APPEAR ON A WRESTLING SHOW. Well done, mate. You know how they all end.

Back to Vince and Savage, who wrap up. We get Kamala next week, plus the Headshrinkers. Wow, it's stereotype on Raw next time. Also, it's Shawn v Duggan.

Not wanting to overkill something, Vince hands back to Bobby with 'the lovely couple' but there is only time for Bobby to ask to see the ring, make a fat joke (I think) and ask again if they'll marry on Raw. And we're out.

See you next time.

Raw Number 13

We start with an odd couple of shots of first Money Inc, then the Beverley Brothers, cutting promos on a black background. Nothing wrong with the shot, per se, it just looks like the final round in the Krypton Factor (remember that?). Largely generic stuff. If you've forgotten, the Bevs had a babyface turn of sorts the year before. I had basically no recollection of anything shown in the previous week's episode, so I'm actually intrigued as to where things may lead.

Vince's piercing voice welcomes us to the show, and the screech of Razor Ramon's theme echoes around the arena. It doesn't look like the Manhattan Center this week. It's probably the same place as last week, a double taping.

Razor is out to a generally positive sounding reaction (he's still a heel at this point) and Vince says it's Ramon v Virgil. Bartlett & Savage again on comms with Vince. Decent reaction for Virgil, actually.

Some hammerlock/armbar etc action early doors, with Razor casually grabbing the ropes to break a few times. Virgil gets a marginal advantage, and the crowd start an audible "Razor" chant. It morphs a little into "Virgil", but when DiBiase's former butler misses a dropkick a short time later, the place go nuts. This is a pro-Ramon crowd.

Ramon locks in a really nice looking abdominal stretches a few minutes in, but Virgil manages a hip toss. He can't follow up however, and we settle into a pattern of Ramon methodically hitting moves, and Virgil making occasional, short, comebacks. Meanwhile, consider it obvious that Bartlett says something redundant ever thirty seconds, and Savage offers pearls of wisdom like "You know how to beat a bully? Beat him" Yeah, thanks Randy, swell advice.

Ramon locks in a modified chinlock, and eventually Virgil gets the ropes. Vince and Savage, though, talk about getting to the ropes like it is a shameful act. Vince wonders how you get out of the move, and Bartlett says "pull a knife". Maybe he was booking in WCW when Tank Abbott was around.

Virgil has a flurry of offence, but Razor avoids a springboard cross body, and levels Virgil with a Razor's Edge for the win.

Vince plugs Bevs v Money Inc as well as an appearance by Giant Gonzales. Vince says Bartlett should interview Bret later on, but Bartlett doesn't want to, because he is traumatised from the previous week, you see.

Gonzales is out next, along with Harvey Wippleman, after a break. He does a stupid run to the ring for some reason. He now has hair over his, erm, personal area. A new suit, I think. Only marginally less stupid.

The Giant's opponent is L.A. Gore, which sounds like Rhyno on the rampage in Hollywood. He looks like a seedy Magnum PA/DDP figure. Bad perm & 'stache. Gonzales chokes his victim a couple of times, hits a bad looking clothesline (though Rob Terry was quite impressed), an even worse thrust kick, more choking, and then a goozle to slam for the win. The commentators chatted a little about the match with Taker at Mania, but didn't give it a big sell, or build the feud at all. Funny how we took this as the norm at this stage in wrestling.

Off to a pre-taped promo with Luna, who screeches into the camera in that ridiculous 80s/early 90s way people did. Actually she makes Hawk from LOD sound like Alec Guinness. At one point she says that she "will haunt your very breath". Err, ok. Do you what you like, sweetheart, you terrify me.

Back to the arena, and it's Tatanka. His opponent is Art Thomas. Meanwhile, Savage says that "Native Americans all over the world" will cheer Tatanka on. If you don't see anything wrong with that last statement tweet me (@robmcnichol) and I'll tell you.

Tatanka starts in control, then misses an elbow. He has to miss a move, because one of his signature spots is the big "I can't feel anything comeback" which I like to call "Tanking up". He does this, hits the End of the Trail, or whatever it is called at this point, and it's over.

After a break, it's Money Inc. Ah, I thought the Bevs might get a main event. Vince calls the two teams "both highly undesirable" and IRS talks tax. The Bevs emerge to stunning MIDI music, and the crowd goes mild. The Beverleys look like Chris Masters with a moustache and a lad who I went to school with fifteen years ago's Dad. Not that the comparison is worth much to you. I mean, it's so long since you probably saw Chris Masters you can't remember what he looks like.

I should point out that Vince and Savage are ripping Bartlett on commentary. They appear to know he is worthless. It's very odd. It's actually a little reminiscent of when Cole made fun of the Hart Dynasty. The Bevs work Ted's arm, and Vince says "this is what tag teams are all about" - so he does know what a tag team is. Mind you this is eighteen years ago. He has forgotten a lot since then.

Oddly, Money Inc do the "tag that the ref can't see spot", and the Bevs double team. Are Money Inc going to work face? They seem to be putting the heat that way so far. IRS then tags in but has his foot on the ropes. Savage calls this, and the ref disallows it. The Beverleys do a switch without tagging in the background. Two classic heel spots. This is getting odder.

IRS eventually tags in, but the Beverleys immediate get the better of him, too. It's all armwork. They choke IRS with the tag rope while the ref isn't looking too.

After a break, we return with IRS in control, and Money Inc then also do the switch technique. It's odd to see two heel teams in one match. Tag matches tend to build to the hot tag spot. How will they do that with the heat evenly dispersed?

The answer is that they do it with the Beverleys getting a hot (lukewarm) tag, and Vince sells it exciting......a bit. The comeback mainly consists of back body drops, until one Beverley misses a clothesline on DiBiase and clocks his partner. One schoolboy later, and Money Inc have won. The commentators don't dwell on the match for a single second, or it's consequences, they simply got to commercial and say Bret is up next.

We're about two thirds of the way through the show at this point. Vince interviews Bret (he calls him the people's champion in the intro, which Savage echoes) who is in his full ring gear. Bret does a reasonable interview, and one that I'd like to see more of these days. It touches on his history and is reasonably low key. Mainly, he focuses on wanting the title belt.

He does say that he has a 'hit list' and that the first name on it is 'The Narcissist' Lex Luger. The reason, as is shown in a clip which I don't think I've ever seen before, is that Luger took him out at the Wrestlemania Brunch. I remember them talking about that at Mania 9, I just don't recall seeing the footage before. That's logical, but I don't recall the two ever wrestling in WWF, apart from in the Rumble.

Vince says there is an investigation into Luger's forearm. Bret sells that it is lethal very well. He says to Luger that "this isn't bodybuilding, it's wrestling" and says he'll go after Yokozuna and even Hogan too.

After another break, it's Bam Bam Bigelow, or the walking photofit of what Wayne Rooney will look like two months after finishing football. He wrestlers jobber Phil Apollo - I say 'wrestles'.....it's mainly shoulderblocks, at least early on.

Savage says that the competition keep getting better and better, and cites none other than Friar Ferguson as his example. He's on the ball, that Savage, isn't he? Bammer continues to dominate, and Vince says Doink is in the crowd. Seconds later he arrives in the aisle with an umbrella.

Doink disappears, and Bigelow continues to have control. He hits a brutal looking senton, then lands his diving headbutt for the W. Just for the hell of it, Bigelow does it again after the match. Oh, now here's the Friar. Maybe that was why Savage mentioned him. Fergie seems to be protecting the jobber, to Bam Bam's annoyance. Friar hits an odd looking drop kick to send Bigelow through the ropes. Is that a set up for a match next week?

Ah, well here comes some hype for the next show. Crush v Luger is announced. Oh, and that's it. Quite abrupt. No Rock twenty minute overrun here.

Raw Number Twelve

This week's (well, when I say 'this week' I mean April 12 1993) Raw starts with Money Inc handing over some cash to the Beverly Brothers. One of the Bevs says the Steiner Brothers think they are unbeatable, but they are not. Well, they beat you mate. IRS asks about the double arm suplex, and the other Bev says their suplexes are devastating, so you have to take their legs out. Ted asks if they are fast as they look, and gets the answer that Scotty is as quick as a cat. (The cat in question being Ernest Miller) They say to make sure the Frankesteiner doesn't happen, and the Raw intro plays.

I won't lie to you - the acting standards in this were in negative star range. But it's a great little 30 second piece to put over challengers to a title as being really, really good. That's basics, and it is done very nicely here. A creative little thing really, showing you don't have to work too hard sometimes - just have people talk about how great someone else is.

The shows starts, and sadly Bartlett is back. Savage, back in his gay rodeo style of outfit, says IRS v Rick Steiner tonight. Didn't the graphic say Money Inc v Bushwhackers last time? Anyway, Vince says we have Tatanka, Papa Shango and a newcomer. Savage waffles on about being blessed then gets to the point......Friar Ferguson. Oh wow, what a treat. More on that later.

IRS is out first, through a different entrance. Hang on, is this a different arena. It certainly looks like it is shot differently. It might even be MSG. Actually, it's not MSG, but the camera angles certainly look different to the usual Raw set. It's much bigger. IRS is actually wrestling Scott Steiner here. Vince then tells us we are in Poughkeepsie, New York.

Cagey start which comes to laugh when IRS tries a sneaky kick at a clean break, but Scott catches the boot. Irwin, though, lands a cracking inzugiri. Steiner soon hits a big powerslam, before IRS powders.

Back in, and this is starting to take shape as a really nice little wrestling matches. IRS lands a beautiful drop toe hold which Scott transitions into a hammerlock. Nice. It's pretty much hold for hold for a bit, until IRS hits a thumb to the eye and throws Scott to the outside. A waiting DiBiase clotheslines Scott, and Rick arrives to even the score. DiBiase sheds clothes to get down to wrestling trunks as Vince screams "The tag match continues" and throws to a break. Uh, you reckon they'll make this a tag, then, after that piece of foreshadowing?

Back after the break, and it does still appear to be one on one, with IRS on top. IRS hits a piledriver. I thought last week when we saw Lawler hit it that it's a move that is pretty much banned across the board these days, but you largely don't even realise. I also like that you could see that they didn't quite land the move right, or at least Mike Rotunda was overly cautious, but Vince actually called that he 'didn't quite get all of it'. I like that kind of honesty in an announcer.

While IRS has a chinlock on, Vince talks about Bartlett interviewing Luna later on. IRS heads to the top, which can't end well. Indeed - Scott gets a foot up, and takes control. It's a full on babyface comeback, and to be fair the crowd are hot for it. Scott hits the aforementioned double underhook, and they only narrowly avoid injury. It looked dicey for a second there.

DiBiase breaks up a count, Rick soon matches him, and the ref throws the match out. The Steiners set up DiBiase for what looks to be a top rope bulldog, but the Beverlys run out for the save. Scott, though, avoids a double clothesline and the Bevs nail DiBiase instead. Scott is declared winner by DQ, and the good guys leave. DiBiase sells annoyance at the Bevs for messing up, and the two teams end up squaring up. IRS says 'forget it', but the Bevs knock him to the outside from behind. That was odd. They corner Ted, who seems to be offering them money. IRS shapes to go for the briefcase, perhaps to smack them with it, but instead Money Inc just slink away.

Vince trails WM9 again, and says watch the encore (it's the same ad as last week). Tatanka comes steaming out of after this for his match, and is opponent is........hey, it's Vito! Not cross-dressing Italian Vito though. Instead, he is announced as "Von Krus" and hails from Germany. Presumably this is quite near the time he was Skull von Crush in ECW.

Tatanka starts with a sloppy looking combo of springboard, hip toss, arm drag, but before we get very into the match, Doink the Clown. Doink has a umbrella that squirts water (can't see that catching on in Dragon's Den) but just squirts it a little and leaves. Tatanka gets raked in the eyes, and Vito/Von Krus hits a couple of the worst chops you'll ever see. Tatanka regains control, and hits some signature moves. After a 'slugfest' as Vince calls it, Tatanka gets Tanked up, and soon ends the match.

On Commentary during that match, I should note, Vince said the Beverlys have asked for a match with Money Inc. Fink announces Tatanka as still unbeaten. Sean Mooney then hosts a Wrestlemania report, presumably because it was so shit even Gene Mean would have nothing to do with it. Mooney says that it was the greatest Wrestlemania of all time (it wasn't) and says it will go down "in the annals" of history. (One 'n' too many, there)

Bartlett is here after the break with a staggeringly bad shirt and waistcoat combo, and then here comes Luna. She warbles about being the woman of the nineties, a balance of beauty and beast. At least I think she did. I don't doubt Luna was a good wrestler, and she is sadly missed, but I couldn't bear her voice. She does call Bartlett a punk at one point, which is a bonus. Luna basically slagged off Sherri, which draws the Sensational one out from the back.

Sherri doesn't attack Luna though - instead she has a go at Bartlett. This is great. can we all join in? I think every promo from now on should just be anti Bartlett. Luna grabs the mic and says she is "A bandit from the wild untamed future. A voice that was before and will be again." Erm, what? Sherri retorts that she has stood up against "bigger men than you will ever be woman". They are basically just saying words and hoping they vaguely come out in order now. Sherri attacks, and it looks like two women halfway through changing for Halloween started on the wine (or Sherry!) a little early that night. Sherri knocks Luna flying, then rips Bartlett's shirt off for the hell of it.

Sherri actually then hits a nice suplex on the floor, then Luna attacks with a belt. Bartlett tries (fails) to break it up, and Sherri attacks Luna with a cord. (I have to note that at this point Sherri is basically overflowing. Her cups runneth over, if you get what I'm saying.) Luna reverses and Vince reacts with horror at Luna pulling Sherri's clothes off. Sherri reacts in kind, but I have to say it isn't really a pretty sight on either side. They fight out into the audience, and Vince says "oh no" at seven second intervals. Sarge wonders in for a little grope (Trying to "break things up" says Vince. Yeah right!) and scoops Luna out of there. I wonder why Pat Patterson didn't come out...........to help, I mean.

Back from a break and it's the odd sight of Randy Savage interviewing Sherri. If you don't know their past, I suggest you google it, but I'll quickly say that she basically dumped him after he lost to Warrior at Mania7, in favour of Ted DiBiase. At this point Sherri has Macho Man's hat covering her chest, since she is now down to a bra on the the top half. Savage starts to praise Sherri, but Luna re-emerges to attack. Meanwhile, there is a jobber and a referee in the ring.

Sherri fights back and at one point has hold of Luna's bra strap. Are we going to see (let's channel King, shall we....) PUPPIES? Wait, no, here comes Pat. We wouldn't want to see breasts now, would we Patricia? No, not at all. Patterson and Sarge remove Luna (again). Sherri shouts something incomprehensible, and then does Savage's catchphrase. The talking (shouting) parts of that were brutal, but the brawl was a lot of fun. It looked pretty realistic at times, and you bought the antagonism between the two. I have no memory of them having a match, so I'm genuinely intrigued as to where this goes.

You know what is needed to follow this up? Voodoo. Here comes Papa Shango, before Sherri has even left, carrying.......is that Ashley Massaro? Oh wait, no, it's a skull. Shangos opponent is..........Scotty Too Hotty - more early 2000s Smackdown talent on this show. Actually he is just Scott Taylor here. And I think Fink called him Skip Taylor.

Vince says that we are getting closer to the tag match between the Beverlys and Money Inc for next week, and that they are negotiating as we speak. Wow, you mean an evil GM isn't forcing them into matches. Whatever next?

Savage says we could have twenty two main events next week, which makes no sense, while Shango is totally dominant in the ring. Bartlett has disappeared, by the way. Wait, no he hasn't, here he comes, with clothes bedraggled and a dopey look on his face. Wait, he has that look all the time, doesn't he? Bartlett collapses, Vince guffaws and Shango wins. The big guy grabs all his props and heads towards Taylor, looking like he might do some of his voodoo gimmick, but instead we see Bartlett looking dazed again, and Vince says Friar Ferguson is up next.

And indeed he is. Gregorian chanting fills the arena, and a rotund figure (The late Mike Shaw) waddles out in full monk get-up, complete with a notepad round his neck. He lifts a page and it has a smiley face with the word "Monk" written underneath. I'm assuming that is for a vow of silence. He also carries a brown piece of wood for some reason. His opponent is Chris Duffy, who appears not to be an early incarnate of Kenzo Suzuki, but instead just an ugly jobber.

Bartlett does a 'frequent friar' joke (well, I say joke.......) in an even more annoying way than usual. He must (MUST) leave soon, mustn't he........? Duffy pushes Ferguson (Fergie?) a couple of times, and gets put on his arse for his troubles. I can't really work out if Fergie is meant to be babyface or heel at this point. He is wrestling barefoot - he doesn't look Samoan.

Fergie slingshots Duffy to the outside as Money Inc v Bevs is announced as a non-title match for the next week. Fergie pulls up his.......what do call that? A smock? A robe? Anyway, he pulls up what he is wearing and waggles his knees. Thanks for that. He is actually starting to look a bit SuBo at this point.

Fergie hits a splash, and it's look like match over, but there is some (unacknowledged) confusion between wrestler and ref, and we carry on. Fergie hits an avalanche, and then weirdly rubs the jobber's face with the underside of his robe. Eugh. This match plods on, Vince tells us Money Inc will have a chat after this match, and the fans start to chant (I think) "We want Bret".

Oh crap, it's a nerve hold by Friar now. Just end it, please. Fergie chokes Duffy on the ropes, so I'll assume at this point he is a heel. An evil monk, perhaps. Duffy, as the crowd start a boring chant, floats over for a sunset flip, but the Monk, erm............sits on the poor guys face. Shall I do a Catholic joke about...........nah, best leave it. That was just weird, by the way.

Another "Please watch our shitty encore" ad, before Money Inc are with us. We have about a minute of the show left. Vince says Bret will be interviewed next week, and it's Virgil v Razor Ramon. Thirty seconds.........

Money Inc start to say that accept a challenge and they've beaten everybody, when they get jumped by the Bevs. This is probably the biggest push of their lives, isn't it? Cheeky brawl for seven seconds, and it's over.

Friar Ferguson debuts and the Beverlys in a main event position. You lucky people.

Fire Up the Brand

Brands are important in wrestling. I'm not talking about the Hardy's and their pals putting the word at the end of their Twitter name. I'm not talking about John Cena wearing Nike sneakers, either.

Many wrestling fans are amazingly loyal to the wrestling organisation they prefer. ECW is a classic example of this. ECW had it's own style, it's own ethos. You can say what you want about your preferences and whether you liked ECW or not, but the fact is there was an aura which surrounded it. And continues to.

Four years after the company closed it doors and promoted it's last official card, a DVD of it's Rise and Fall broke merchandise records. It was successful to the extent that a Pay Per View event was commissioned, which was a critical success. The ECW brand was revived to a lesser degree, and fairly obviously was not such a success.  Just last year, TNA produced a PPV, Hardcore Justice, dedicated to the memory of ECW.

Although not all of the above was financial, critically or morally successful, the fact that almost a decade removed  from the death of ECW it's ghost still haunts wrestling is a remarkable example of brand loyalty and awareness.

You can see a similar thing with many small wrestling organisations. From ROH to Dragon Gate to CZW, small wrestling companies have core, loyal audiences that have a devotion to one organisation as opposed to the wrestling business or an individual wrestler.

And then there is TNA.

I would liken TNA's brand identity to that of the opposition party in politics, or a local rival team in football. If I was being particularly brave I might even compare to people from Scotland or Wales. Let me explain why.

I am an Englishman, and a proud one. I have many, many Scottish relatives, and I have friends who are from Wales. There is, though, an undeniable dislike, or perhaps disdain, for the English from these nations. Whatever those reasons are, I think getting caught up in how much they dislike us stops people appreciating their beauty and positives traits. Both Wales and Scotland are fine countries, which great traditions and values, but too often their national characteristic is hating the English. I can't make them like us, but I wish they'd promote themselves rather than bash us.

Politics is the same.You seldom hear a Labour politician talk at length about how great his or her party is, extolling the virtues of their manifesto and explaining why their collective outlook is best. Instead, their rhetoric is far more likely to be comprised of cheap shots and attacks on their Conservative counterparts and where they believe their faults to be. And before anyone brings it up, the opposite is true. The Liberal Democrats haven't typically been embroiled in this to the same extent, but they are exempt from blame either. In short, it isn't "look at us, we are awesome", it's "don't look at them, they're awful".

And it goes on with football. Pick your team and listen to the fans songs during one game. There will probably be just as many "We hate Arsenal" songs at White Hart Lane as there are pro-Tottenham songs, and the pattern is repeated whether the teams are Wolves and West Brom, Southampton and Portsmouth, Burnley and Blackburn or any combination of heated rivals.

I don't think it is necessarily TNA as a company that provoke the reaction, but I see a lot of TNA fans as not particular pro-TNA but anti-WWE. They dislike Vince McMahon's juggernaut of a corporation and see something they hate, whether it's the cheesy comedy, PG tone or flat out bad wrestling. They might not have the access or the inclination to seek out more niche products like ROH or similar, and TNA have international reach, so it's a bandwagon to hop on.

If you are a major WWE cynic then it's not the worst bandwagon in the world, I guess. TNA have things WWE don't have.. Individuals like Kurt Angle, Rob Van Dam and Jeff Hardy, who fans are familiar with and respect, wrestle in TNA. There are big-name stars like Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan, WWE midcarders that didn't get a run like Elijah Burke/D'Angelo Dinero and Matt Morgan. There is blood and bad language and raunchier girls. In short, it's everything WWE was eight years ago.

It's one of the reasons I worry about TNA. If they had any identity, ever, it was with the X-Division and the Knockouts. I'm not saying the way to overtake WWE is with that, but the niche they used to at least try to occupy still exists.

I went to all three of their UK tour shows last week. They were great fun. I had loads of people say to me that they had been to WWE house shows, and the TNA ones were way better. And I endorse the view. However, there was nothing on these shows that had me thinking "TNA are different". Back in the day, if you'd seen an ECW live event, you'd have left knowing it was different. I am absolutely not endorsing gratuitous violence and danger, but it was different. If you get to an ROH show, you'll leave thinking you've seen some of the best wrestlers in North America, or the world. Similar could be said of a Dragon Gate style organisation, with the inclusion of Japan in the unique selling point.

Taking out any frustrations we (mostly) all have about TNA's booking, what are the differences between them and WWE? Take an episode of Impact and an episode of Raw. Are they really that different? They share lots of the same conventions. The shape of the ring; a pair of announcers; hype videos for matches; backstage segments; music to greet a wrestler; a pose on the ramp; numerous belts; match length; monthly PPVs; a ring announcer; similar rules of matches and outcomes of matches; in-ring promo confrontations; and more. Now I am not saying that they should scrap all of those things. Quite the opposite - wrestling has survived for decades on many of these staples - but they need, I think, to differentiate themselves in some many other ways, to make them feel special.

They have tried with the use of more violent matches and stronger language. I don't so much have a problem with them doing this, but to me the execution of them is so poor it makes them look second rate. Washed up has-beens like Ric flair or never-beens like Tommy Dreamer bleeding everywhere all the time cheapens the moment when ten minutes before the end of a crucial title match on a major PPV RVD bleeds to sell jeopardy.

As for the language and edgier content, I think they may have a slightly better job than with the blood, but it feels like it is there for the sake of it. Steve Austin, if you talk to him in real-life, drinks beer and cusses when he talk to you. That's the way he was built. He's a brash Texan who likes a good time and says what he feels. Stone Cold worked because of it. It felt organic and it felt natural when Austin told you he "couldn't give  damn about the some bitch. I'll kick his ass, the rat bastard.

But Eric Bischoff is an executive. He's a smooth talker and a clever businessman. He may be a foul-mouthed guy in real-life - I haven't met him - but his on air character has been a smarmy heel for his whole career, virtually. I don't feel it when he swears. It just seems like it is being forced.

And enough already with Velvet Sky saying "bittch". That's not a typo, she stresses two 't's in the word. "Where's Winter? I'm going to make that 'bittch' pay". And then there is a Abyss who is such a cartoon you can't take him seriously anyway, so his use of 'bitch' (one T for him) also feels like it is being placed in the show to attract people who like swearing. The stress on the words is so ultra deliberately it makes the show feel low rent.

Anderson I can deal with. Ken has developed a way of talking in and out of the ring that means I can live with him calling his fans 'assholes'. I think it's kind of funny. It works for him. And I know it is his idea because he used the "nice guys finish last, thank God I'm an asshole" line on Wrestlecast in about 2006. But because needless cursing all over the show simply waters down what he says.

Perhaps TNA finding a brand identity might have to do with what their ambitions are. I can't speak for anyone at ECW or Ring of Honor, but I imagine that, certainly to begin with, their intentions were not to attempt to be the number one wrestling organisation in the world. They had different visions. Ring of Honor was to be a product which catered to "wrestling" fans. They brought in the 'pure' title and showcased technical wrestling that wasn't on show anywhere else. Not on national television in the US, anyway. ECW wasn't just about hardcore wrestling. Their underground success was just as much about the featuring of great wrestling, such as that demonstrated by Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit, and the import of wrestlers from Japan and Mexico.

Even somewhere like Shimmer was founded on the basis of giving female workers somewhere to ply their trade, since they were not being appreciated on the biggest stage. The founders of Shimmer were, I'm sure, not doing it to become millionaires or to take over the wrestling world. I'm sure if they make a few bucks from it they'll be happy. But the point was to offer something new. Something different. A brand that has it's place in the world.

It wouldn't hurt TNA to take a look at a bunch of the smaller, niche, but interesting indy promotions that exist. Study how they draw fans in a different way, what makes the viewer tick and the ticket-buyer view. Don't copy one, but use some of those methods to help your own product.

An example? Look at how ROH makes wrestling matter. ROH is not an major international wrestling company for many reasons, including but not limited to lack of funding, substandard (compared to the big guns) production facilities and an in built lack of appreciation in the general populous for the art of pro wrestling. They are not big enough to re-educate, but they can provide a service to those and want it. And what a service.

ROH take care to make their guys look as though they care about what they do, that they have a reason for being in the ring. TNA have Shannon Moore spreading the word of DILLIGAF and Robbie E pretending to be Jersey Shore. That's fine in their own world, but tell us WHY they are in a wrestling company and not on a reality show. Shouldn't they want to be the best, to win titles, or at the very least earn money? ROH is somewhere that tries desperately hard to make it's matches count, and often delivers. If TNA took a quarter of the energy ROH does and put it into making wrestling matches count, they'd start getting something back from their audience. It would take time, but they can do it.

This doesn't mean having way more wrestling matches on the show. The opposite, in fact. Rather than having 5 x four minute matches and one ten-minute main event to total half an hour of wrestling, have just three matches and have two go eight minutes and one of them go twelve. Twenty-minutes of action, but so much more meaningful. Talk about the importance of those matches the week before and talk about the consequences of those matches the week after. It wouldn't be hard. It fact it would cause them less stress because there would be less to book.

And make the matches simple. No need to for throwaway gimmicks to pop 0.02 of an extra rating point. Using a ladder match stipulation randomly on Impact without hyping and with no real need, storyline-wise, for it to occur, means that people will simply not pay for this down the line. Why should they? You've told them it doesn't matter. You're always telling them it doesn't matter.

(TNA aren't the only ones guilty of this, by the way, as WWE can fall foul occasionally, but WWE are not the ones kicking unbelievably hard just to stay afloat. They are still making millions of dollars each month, just not as many millions as they were a few years ago.)

They could put more emphasis on X-Division action by occasionally theming a show to feature more X-Division wrestlers, including matches and profiles. Maybe even flashbacks to classic matches. They could do the same another week with the Knockouts. They could sign X-Div style wrestlers and female indy workers to one week contracts and simply bring them in to work a match here and there. It would indicate that it was the most prestigious belt of it's nature that people flocked to try and win. It would be different, it would make TNA stand out.

Perhaps you could got the same route with Tag Teams? You could even diversify into different weight classes (Though that's a blog for another day.) The point is to develop a television product which people put on their TV and say "I've never seen that before." It's what happened when Scott Hall walked into Nitro for the first time. No-one had seen a wrestler from a rival stroll in and take over. It was compelling. It happened when Austin starting flipping off Vince McMahon and raising hell. Wrestling had been homogenised for decades, and when this uncouth redneck told his boss where he could stick and did what he wanted to do it struck a chord.

TNA can't switch to a new style and double ratings overnight. Hell, they may even lose a few viewers to begin with, and this is I think is they main reason they wouldn't do it, because Spike would freak out if they experimented and dropped to below 1.0 again, like they did by going to Mondays. But that is the entire point in a nutshell. TNA went to Mondays and failed to offer anything different. The novelty of seeing Ric Flair and Ken Anderson and Jeff Hardy and Hulk Hogan in a different environment soon wears off, and while some will stick around for some blood and cursing, many more will flip back to WWE and watching something that is often very ordinary but occasionally displays class and logic, something TNA almost always misses the boat on.

I find myself getting into blogs like this with such passion because I actually care about TNA. I spent loads of time with them last week. They are nice people almost to a man and woman. They make you feel so welcome, and make you want to see them succeed. Which I do. And which is why I find myself making pleas to them to change because Impact simply doesn't work. Not as a viable, long-term alternative to WWE which is what they claim to want to be.

The audience for them is there. They have seen spikes in ratings on January 4th, the night after Bound for Glory and other times when they have announced a surprise or booked something intriguing. But they always lose that audience, because that audience wants to see something remarkable. Either the same as WWE but better or something different and equally as interesting. They won't still about for something which can't touch WWE in some ways, and is infuriatingly illogical in others.

TNA's brand identity could be so much. You could go two ways with it. It could be that TNA is the place to go to find the most diversity in wrestling. We got high-fliers, we got technical wrestling, we got funnymen, we got legends, we got girls, we got it all. In some ways they probably think they already have it. But they don't they. They have watery versions of each of them, which collectively add up to very little. If you don't think you can have X-Division style action and more, then ditch it. Forget it. Consign it to history. I think it would be a mistake but you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. Don't go half-heartedly, give it your all. If you don't think it draws, bin it.

But I don't think they need to. As long they treat something - anything - with respect, they can get it over. Don't pretend the other brand doesn't exist, then in the same breath say it sucks. Do the opposite. Acknowledge WWE's existence. Even go so far as to publicly say the WWE is great. But then make you can say "WWE is great, but in our opinion we something a little different, and a little better" and then PROVE it. Because at the moment it is all words.

I wonder if TNA have a mission statement, or a constitution which defines who they are and why they are in the wrestling business. And I wonder how accurate it is. Because right now there is no way in the world a loyal TNA viewer could explain to you why they watch the show without referring to WWE. "I watch TNA because it is better/different than WWE" as an opinion statement is fine, but when you try to put meat on the sandwich there is nowhere to go. I'll be willing to bet that the follow would include either "I'm a huge AJ Styles/Jeff Hardy/Samoa Joe fan" or "I hate the fact that WWE is PG". Neither would be able, I'm sure, to say what they like about TNA. Both statements suggest that if something minor changed they'd be off like a shot. If WWE signed AJ or scrapped the PG thing, those fans would have their head turned.

But if you create an environment where the whole show has an exciting, fresh, different feel, and use this to create some top individual stars which can draw money (real money, not Impact Zone pops) then people might start saying "I love TNA because you know you'll get a great match every week" or "TNA is the best because they never phone it in" or "I never miss Impact because there are so many guys I care about" or "My whole family watches Impact because there is something for everyone".

As it is, TNA might as well be called NWWE, as in Not World Wrestling Entertainment. And the sad thing is that with a Brand vision there is unlimited potential for a company that makes fans care again, and has the finances, exposure and production set up to capitalise.

There is only one wrestling organisation that can do this.

We're still waiting.

Booking a new megastar.

I look this time of year. The build up to Wrestlemania is probably my favourite time of year, and it tends to get not only Vince McMahon's creative juices flowing, but mine as well.

If you are anything like me, you will occasionally think of an idea which you genuinely think is the greatest idea of all time. Generally speaking, this happens to me about once a month, and about two days later the feeling wears off. Today, I feel like I have thought of a booking process to see WWE through the next SIX months and to create a massive superstar and an amazing feelgood moment. You might read the upcoming outline and think it's utter nonsense. I'm not saying it is perfect, but I do think it would make for great TV, and would make a certain man who is probably best described right now as an upper midcarder into a genuine top babyface.

Are you ready? Here we go.......

---

We start at the Royal Rumble, and the most important thing is that John Morrison is drawn number one. The announcers talk about the time this happened to Shawn Michaels, and Morrison lasts until the final four.

Triple H returns at the Rumble, and comes very close to winning, also getting to the final four. He eliminates Morrison, but is straightaway eliminated by Sheamus. Sheamus is beaten by Alberto Del Rio, who wins the Rumble (actually, it doesn't really matter to this storyline who wins the Rumble, but it ought to be someone on Smackdown.)

Morrison is lauded on Raw for his performance. He says he is inspired by Shawn Michaels constantly. Have the announcers compare him to Shawn Michaels for weeks on end, whilst Morrison wins a few matches on Raw. He is placed in the Elimination Chamber match.

Triple H's time is consumed by Sheamus, and they cost each other matches which would get them into the Chamber. The Raw Chamber match is Cena/Miz/Orton/Punk/Morrison and one other, perhaps Daniel Bryan or maybe Batista or Jericho should they return. Morrison is in the match first, and is the last one beaten. For argument's sake, lets say Orton wins the title, but like Del Rio at the Rumble, this individual doesn't matter. Meanwhile, Triple H wrestles and beats Sheamus, getting his revenge.

Triple H declares that he is going after Undertaker, and wants to be the man to end the streak. He is inspired by how close his best friend Shawn Michaels got. Taker accepts the challenge. Michaels makes a special appearance on Raw to give his friend a pep talk. While he is there he chats to Morrison, and puts over how great he is. There is friction at the show between Michaels and Taker, and Shawn is booked as Special Guest Referee.

Morrison is placed in Money in the Bank, and wins it. Triple H faces Taker, and Shawn calls it down the middle. Triple H pedigrees Taker, but can't beat him. He shapes to cheat, using a sledgehammer, but Shawn stops him. Taker grabs him, hits a tombstone and wins.

Triple H sells huge shock as Taker leaves. Michaels consoles Hunter, but HHH turns viciously on Shawn, laying him out with a series of sledgehammer shots and a pedigree. Taker runs Hunter off, but Michaels is seriously hurt.

On Raw, Triple H cuts a hateful promo on Michaels, whining and blaming him for holding him back, hogging the limelight. "Even when it was my moment, it was me and Taker, you had to get involved and steal my spotlight". Morrison hits the ring and Triple H scarpers. Morrison is furious, and vows to avenge Michaels.

We do Morrison v Triple H at Extreme Rules (although in an ideal world this wouldn't be an Extreme Rules match) and Trips wins with a very liberal use of cheating, perhaps once again with a sledgehammer, or perhaps Morrison's own briefcase.

Morrison demands a rematch, but Triple H ducks it. Sheamus attacks Morrison, and aligns himself with Triple H. The Game says he admires Sheamus for being the only man as sadistic as Hunter himself is. Sheamus and Trips attack Morrison a couple of times, but Morrison gets saved the third time by Undertaker.

At Over the Limit we have Undertaker/Morrison v HHH/Sheamus. The heels win with Sheamus getting the pin on Taker. He uses this for ages to brag about beating The Undertaker.

Morrison has a match on Raw to qualify for the Fatal 4-Way main event, but loses due to interference by HHH/Sheamus. Triple H qualifies for the four way. Morrison wrestles Sheamus at the PPV and wins. Triple H just about wins the Four Way and wins the WWE title.

Morrison challenges Triple H the next night on Raw, and again Triple H refuses. Morrison teases using the briefcase on him, but Sheamus and Morrison viciously assault him. He is declared out of action indefinitely. Sheamus goes on a winning streak on Raw, annihilating people similar to when he debuted. Triple H defends his title against whomever was the previous champion (Orton?) at Money in the Bank PPV. The match closes the show, and after Hunter has won a gruelling contest, Morrison's music hits. It looks as though he will cash it in, but he takes the mic, says he is a man, and wants to do it fair and square. He wants Hunter at Summerslam.

Sheamus' bragging finally catches up with him, and he is beaten by Undertaker at Summerslam. Morrison and Triple H have an epic match, with Morrison coming agonisingly close to winning on several occasions. Sheamus capitalises on a distraction, and nails Morrison with a Brogue kick. Morrison kicks out. Gong sounds, Taker chases Sheamus away. Ref bump, suddenly HBK runs in. Sweet Chin music to Hunter, Morrison hits Starship Pain. The ref gets up, Morrison wins.

---

And there we have it. A programme keeping several of the top WWE stars occupied for the best part of seven months, culminating with a cracking match, a brilliant feelgood moment, surprise run-in and big title win for Morrison.

It ought to be remembered that Triple H has helped 'make' several superstars in the past, most recently and notably Jeff Hardy whilst on Smackdown. This would keep him relevant, give a rub to Sheamus and push Morrison to the very top. The fans would surely rally behind someone who is endorsed by both Shawn Michaels and Undertaker, and enjoy getting behind him in his quest for glory.

 

I think it would work........do you?

Raw #11

And the Raw music plays once again. You know, the really bloody annoying one that we had to hear on the Old School show three times. Yeah, it's annoying isn't it? No? You prefer to the Nickelback one and the Thorn in your Eye one? You odd person.

Music over......where's Rob Bartlett? Just Vince and Randy to start us off - please say Bartlett has gone. I'll change my ringtone to the old Raw theme if he has.

Vince welcomes us to the show, and says Wrestlemania was last night, and says it was one of the greatest Wrestlemanias of all time. I'd say, at that point, it was in the top ten. Mind you, there had only been nine of them. Now, it's just slipped out of the top 25.

Hang on, is this a live Raw then? If it's the night after Mania? So they pitched everyone up from Nevada to do a Raw in New York? Either tough going on the schedule, or they cheekily filmed this before Mania. Let's see if we can work out together what really happened.

They hype Virgil v Bam Bam (neither of them were on the Mania show) and Beverly Bros v Steiners. Ah, the Steiners were at Mania, so there goes the theory that perhaps Raw might just feature who didn't wrestle at the big one. Jerry Lawler making his Raw debut on this show too, apparently.

Virgil and Bammer make their way to the ring, as Savage and Vince make blatantly v/o-ed comments about Hogan winning the World Title (pending an investigation, says Savage). I'm guessing we ain't live, folks.

I might have said this before, but Bam Bam Bigelow looks like Wayne Rooney. Vince tells us that Yoko and Fuji have complained to President Jack Tunney because Hogan's match wasn't sanctioned. Thing is, they are right.

The New York crowd chant Virgil sucks as Bam Bam largely dominates in the ring. The commentators basically don't call the match at all. They are recapping Bret/Hogan/Yoko events, and build up what happened (off screen) with Bret and Luger, too. The in-ring stuff is largely slow, though notably Bam Bam dominating draws a "Virgil" chant. Make your mind up, NYC! I wonder if that makes him as 'controversial' as John Cena.

Bam Bam with a submission hold (a long one) as Vince says Bartlett lost it all on the slots in Vegas, but mind be back next week. Oh well......

Chinlock, Bearhug etc from Bammer, who is wearing down the opponent and the crowd here. Vince starts talking about Doink and Crush, as Virgil makes a recovery (i.e. boot to face and weak missile dropkick.) Savage says Virgil is "very very" but does not get to finish the point as Vince goes into his commentary zone. Virgil nails a couple of jabs and a flip in the corner, but Bigelow soon clotheslines him out of his boots, followed by a top rope headbutt for the win.

Back from a break, one of the big ladies from last week has troubles holding a sign up, and then here comes the King. Vince talks over The Fink's announcements, which would be a no-no these days, and here comes Lawler. Of course this is 1993, so Jerry was 43 then. Only twice as old as his girlfriends, not like now, where the difference is three times.

Lawler wants a mic......I hope he calls the fans peons. He is the only man I have ever heard use that word. Even Jericho never said peon. He does call them 'imbecilic idiots', though. The fans chant 'Burger King' at him, so Lawler threatens to leave. They don't stop, so he leaves. No, really, he did.

To Gene Mean, who is with Fuji and Yoko. Has Fuji learned his man's name yet, I wonder? Oh, well we won't find out, because Gene just talks at Fuji for a bit, and that's all. Back to the ring, and Kimchee is there. You know, Kamala's handler? Yeah you do, the guy with the mask and funny hat? Well Google him then.

His opponent is Bob Backlund, and I assume it's Steve Lombardi (Brooklyn Brawler) in the Kim Chee guise. Maybe we'll find out if they do a three-disc Kim Chee DVD set with documentary.

It's all Kim Chee early in this match. The comms talk about maybe King returning later, as Kim Chee has a chinlock on. Yes, a chinlock. Backlund reverses, has a small comeback, and then Kim Chee puts him back in a chinlock. Yes, a chinlock.

Vince says Luna Vachon and Sherri will be on the show next week, whilst in the ring Backlund makes a small comeback and pins Kim Chee with an innovative leg hook and bridge. Savage calls it "The joy of wrestling". Vince no-sells (I think Randy lost him with the word 'wrestling') and says Bartlett will be on the phone after this break. Wow, what a hook that is. They do a plug for the Wrestlemania hotline. See this is why they hate the Internet, because they used to get you to spent two dollars a minute listening to a slow phone update about what was going on.

After a break, Damien Demento is in the ring as a designated jobber, and his opponent is.......Jumping Jim Brunzell? Really? A killer bee. I didn't realise he was still in WWE at this time. Sadly, I can't enjoy seeing Brunzell, because Bartlett stinks up the segment on the phone talking about losing his money in Vegas, like anyone gives a damn. Savage tells Bartlett to "get a life", explaining where Swift Cover got the idea of the ad with Iggy Pop some sixteen years later.

In the ring, it's all armringers with the odd Brunzell roll up, until Damien knocks him down, and then it's all elbows and kicks. Vince says we might get Tunney on the phone later on. Small 'boring' chant in the crowd. Jumping Jim does a comeback (not too much Jumping, mind you) and hits a dropkick, but Demento gets his foot on the ropes.

Demento reverses an Irish whip, and kicks Brunzell in the the gut. He hits a neckbreaker then a standing knee to the chest, and that's it. As easy as that. Vince - and this is not an exaggeration - doesn't even call it. He simply talks over it, mentioning Mr Perfect fighting Shawn Michaels at Mania, then advertises Lawler after the break again.

Oh, man, bloody Bartlett is on the phone again.....wait, no he isn't, Vince says Rob called in collect, but it appears they ignored him. Then it's time for some ads. Bret puts over Icopro in a mannish, growling fashion. Yeah! Then Savage says we should eat Slim Jims, and he does it in a rugged, manly style. Grrr! Then.........err, Lord Alfred advertise Odour Eaters. Ohhhhhh.....Kay.........

Back to the arena, and it's Jerry again. The cameras show the fans chanting Burger King again, including a bloke who looks like Ant (as in 'and Dec') doing Movember. King hears the chants and leaves again. Fair enough.

A Wrestlemania package of stills plays. Vince voices it, and calls it Riveting Nonstop Action. Yeah! RNA! RNA! RNA! Basically, Vince tells you to watch WM9 again. No, Vince. I did it last week, years later, and it was torture.

The Beverly Brothers are in the ring. Remember them? The one that looked like Chris Masters with a tache and mullet, and the other fella. The Steiners follow, and the match starts pretty slow, with Scott using some nice chain wrestling, and the Bevs complaining about hair pulling. Vince says the Steiners are the pride of the University of Michigan Wolverines. Sssh, don't say Wolverine, it'll make you think of, you know..............

Some general back and forth before Bevs take over with some standard heel tag team stuff. You know, everyone bemoans the demise of tag team wrestling in WWE, but I think the tag team wrestling in WWE has sucked for a long time. I'm not worried about it dying. The Hardys/E&C stuff around 2000, where they innovated with all sorts of stuff, was cool, and actually two matches this year - KoW v WGTT and MCMG v Beer Money - were among the best I've seen in2010, but generally I can't bear the typical heel dominate, refs miss tags, hot tag comeback standard tag match.

That tangent over, we return to see a ref miss a tag, and the Steiners make a comeback. They, of course, pick up the win, too. Vince, after a plug for WWF Mania with the much missed (But only by snipers) Todd Pettingzoo, says after the break - It's the King. Wow, didn't see that coming.

Regal music, and here comes Lawler again. Lots of fans do the thumbs down gesture, which is much underutilised these days. Lawler gets to the ring and shapes to disappear again, but the man, the myth, the legend JIMMY POWERS attacks Lawler. No, I vaguely remember him. Just. Vince says "Oh my goodness" like the little girl in Annie (Yes, I've seen Annie. What of it?)

Powers dominates with traditional babyface 'fire' early on, and Lawler takes a powder, only to hear the Burger King chant again. King back in, hip toss scoop slam, and back out he goes. This is great heel work, you know. Lawler hasn't hit an offensive move yet, but the entire show has been about him. Powers avoids a punch in the corner and hits one of his own, then lands a back drop. Still no attacking move, just good selling from Lawler.

Powers misses a dropkick, and Lawler starts to take over with general Lawler tactics i.e. punch, cheat, punch, fistdrop. Vince calls Lawler 'allegedly one of the greatest wrestlers of our era'. Savage does an appalling Taxi Driver impression after Lawler shouts at him, and Powers gets back on top. He hits another back drop, and then goes for yet another. Lawler blocks and hits a piledriver for the three. Lawler celebrates, and directs more gloating towards Savage.

After a break Lawler still in the arena. He heads towards the announce desk. Vince gets a mic, and interviews Jerry. Lawler basically says that Savage doesn't have the guts to face him, but before Randy can respond, the music starts to play. Vince says we have MONEY INC v The Bushwhackers next week. (That's how it was typed, with the tag champs in capital letters.)

Wrestlemania IX Retro Review

Yeah, it's Wrestlemania time, baby! The pomp, the pagentry......the togas, the bad matches - it's all here. Wrestlemania IX, Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas Nevada. April 4, 1993. Let's go......

(I'd like to point out that I'm watching my DVD version of the show which came with Wrestlemania anthology box set I bought about five years ago. It may feature some differences to the actual broadcast and to DVDs released more recently.)

We start with some cheesy 80s graphics (it was the nineties) and a screeching Vince, who off screen welcomes us, and hands to our host, Gorilla Monsoon. Gorilla, it epic Roman gear, welcomes us. And hands us on to - making his debut - Jim Ross. It's like the pass the parcel-style announcing. Ross mentions that he is from Oklahoma within seconds, notes that it is his first time in a toga too, mocks a centurion, and hands over to "Finkus Maximus".

Remember that Impact where Bischoff opened the show with mood lighting playing a guitar. Feels like Y2J/Rock compared to this. The Fink announces Caesar and Cleopatra, and out come the same pair - same guy anyone - that we saw at the Rumble. Their entourage includes and elephant, which draws a cheer when is (deliberately) stands on two feet. JR says 'isn't that great' or something to that effect. Well, not really Jim, it's more like animal cruelty, really, but we'll let you off since it's 17 years ago.

Fink announces Macho Man Randy Savage, who last year was in the WWF title match, and this year is announcing. Quite the fall from grace. His part is led by a couple of guys with feathers on poles, a llama, some women (who JR calls Vestal Virgins - sounds like a Russo name for a female tag team. There s still time) spreading rose petals, and then Savage on a Sedan chair. He enters the ring to an ovation. (The time on my DVD player says 5 minutes now. In your own time, guys.)

JR says he thought Heenan was going to be on the chair. He welcomes Savage to the broadcast position, and Savage's first pearl of wisdom is that "we have a lock and load type situation." Thanks Randy, ever to the point.

Back to the entrance aisle, and we get an Ostrich (which may or may not have been led by Bill Alfonso - looked a little like him) some belly dancers, a guy with a falcon, then some fellas leading a camel. Heenan enters on the camel, seated backwards. Amidst all this stupidity, I can't help but laugh at Heenan shouting "stop this camel" then basically falling off it. Heenan could read the telephone directory and still be funny.

Savage shouts "Wrestlemania 9! Do the thing! Lock and load if you've got the guts. Less the Macho Man, more the Non Sequitur man today. Mind you if Heenan was pissed off at this, he'd soon be working with Steve McMichael, so he'd look on this as halcyon days. Heenan ha a go at Oklahoma (get used it).

Common sense and awesomeness finally prevails, nearly nine minutes into the show (no national anthem or America the Beautiful by the way) as Shawn Michaels' music hits. JR asks 'what' is behind Shawn, and Heenan very eloquently explains that it is Luna Vachon, and puts over her family credentials. Tatanka is Shawn's opponent, and Sensational Sherri follows close behind. This is the third year in succession that Shawn was in the opener. He's end that run at WM10 with a man that legitimately may have changed wrestling history.

The match starts, and Michaels soon works into an extended headlock. Tatanka counters with a back suplex (That's HBK's finisher at this point, remember.) and then botches an irish whip and follow up. Eventually Shawn does his piñata on acid routine and flops to the outside, where Sherri and Luna have a little face-off. Michaels tries to re-enter the ring several times to no avail. Eventually he comes off the top rope with a sunset flip, but this goes pretty wrong too. Two botches already. Tatanka, when you watch him back, had a really lack of natural athleticism. Or maybe compared the Michaels that's unfair.

Tatanka takes charge with an armbar. For a long time. Eventually Shawn turns the tide, and the match settles in to the expected pattern of the heel building up the heat. Michaels hits what was either a lousy victory roll or a partially disguised rolling armbreaker, then Tatanka hits an Electric Chair drop leading to both men being down. A series of double axe handles by Shawn leads to the Native American "Tanking up", and he comes back with poor looking offence. Sorry, but that's how it is. An admittedly solid flying bodypress gets two.

A brief Shawn flurry leads to a top rope dive into a powerslam, which looked great. The match spills outside, and the crowd start to chat for Sherri. Michaels misses a dive from the apron, and kayfabe hits the steel steps. He then pulls the ref (Joey Marella) to the outside, ostensibly drawing a DQ. Shawn rolls back in, Tatanka hits End of the Trail, but the ref doesn't count. He signals for the bell. Finkel actually calls the finish as a count out. There has been suggestions over the years that Shawn was supposed to be counted out, probably fuelled by by Finkel's call, but unless they improvised really well, I thought it looked like all parties knew what they were doing.

Luna attacks Sherri post match. JR says that Sherri needs help. Heenan says she always did. Nice one. Tatanka carries Sherri out as Luna runs away.

Gene Mean backstage with the Steiners, who do a generic promo on the Headshrinkers. Rock says they are going to make Julius Caesar proud. Yes, the guy with the headgear and the big moustache is a Ancient Roman sympathiser. Who knew?

A sign says that New York City loves The Steiners. Interesting, given they are from Detroit and the show is in Nevada. JR says that in Oklahoma they call this a slobberknocker. WWE debut for that term.

The match begins, and it's very general stuff to begin with. Scott Steiner hits a clothesline on Fatu, who does a very impressive twisting bump. Well, impressive if you only ever see it once, but he did it every match, which rendered it pretty stupid. Scott hits a modified butterfly suplex, but then gets hit with a terrifying looking bump.With the ref distracted the headshrinker that isn't legal pulls down the top rope, while the other basically throws him over head first. I don't think it went exactly as planned. Afa then smacks Scott with a cane he brought with, completing a pretty unpleasant twenty seconds or so for the man who would become Big Poppa Pump someday.

Headshrinkers dominate for several minutes after this. It's ok but nothing more. Eventually, Samu misses a flying headbutt, and Scott makes the hot tag to Rick. Rick nails a couple of moves, but idiotically tries to bang the Samoan heads together, and the Shrinkers take over. Things build to the Samoans going for a version of the Doomsday device, which Rick sort of reverses into a belly to belly suplex. Wow. I don't recall seeing that before or since. It wasn't clean, but it was sure innovative.

Scott eventually gets a tag in, and wins with a Frankensteiner. He didn't get all of it, but it was a 3-count nonetheless. That wasn't a bad match, especially given some of the limitations involved with some participants, but it never gripped you. Both matches so far fall right in the average range.

Backstage to Doink, who has defaced the Julius Caesar statue. He talks with Gene Mean, they show a clip of the fake arm attack from a couple of weeks previous, and leave us with a promise that by the end of Wrestlemania 9, Crush will be seeing double. Hmm.

Crush hits the ring to face Doink, and right away the big guy takes charge. I'm not sure how long Bryan Adams had been wrestling at this point, but he looks green as grass here. Doink has a brief flurry, but coming off the top rope he meets a foot in the face. The clown is soon clotheslined to the outside, and tries to climb under the ring. Crush stops him. That's important, remember that. Crush press slams Doink in the ring, and goes for his head vice finisher. Doink gets to the ropes, swings an elbow, and down goes the referee.

The clown once again tries to go under the ring, and is stopped again. I like that attention to detail, even if the payoff to follow was lousy. Crush locks in the vice grip, but with the ref still down, another guy in a Doink outfit (I think it was Steve Keirn (Skinner) on this occasion) rolls in the ring and smacks Crush with the fake arm. The two Doinks do a little pantomime mirror routine, as Heenan says this is an illusion. The original Doink covers, and the ref recovers enough to count three.

Fonzie emerges to tell ref in charge Joey Marella what happened, but a look under the ring elicits nothing. Good lord. Can you imagine them doing that these days? Actually, yes, I probably can. Maybe there will be two Abyss's at Lockdown.

To the stands, where Todd Pettengill has attempted to mix a toga with shades and a baseball cap, and predictably he looks a complete berk. He wonders aloud about the two Doinks, then decides (and what a decision this turns out to be) to talk to a Japanese photographer. He speaks Japanese, and the words we anglophones can recognise are 'Doink' and 'Yokozuna'. He then asks another photographer, who laughs like an idiot. Going well this. He goes back to Snapper A, asking him if he is enjoying his stay. "Caesar's Palace number one" he says. That's more like it. Todd, learning nothing, goes back to the laughing photo guy, who says "Yokozuna number one". Uh oh, I sense a rumble between the camera guys about what exactly is 'number one'. Yoko, or the Palace. (Cue Harry Hill - only one way to find out......) Todd says 'unbelievable. Two Doinks, or an illusion. We'll leave it up to you.' Get Savage up there, see if we can make this any more random.

Not content, Todd explains that seats go way back. Uh, thanks. He says "I've been drenched with beer, I've been drenched with soda. But I've never had a better time in my life." (He actually says "why life" but you know what he means.) All this begs the question of what Todd is usually drenched with which makes Beer and Soda preferably. Actually, you know what, I don't want to know.

Back to the ring, and it's Razor Ramon time. He enters while the announcers still talk about Doink. Bob Backlund is his opponent - still no music -and it's his first Wrestlemania. It's Razor's too, but they don't mention that for some reason. Ramon is still a heel at this point, but there is a big Razor chant.

This doesn't last long. Think an average match on Raw. Or a feature match between two upper midcarders on Impact. i.e. about three minutes. Razor wins with an inside cradle.

To Gene Mean, with Money Inc. Clips are shown of Brutus getting battered by the briefcase, and Irwin says that if we thought Brutus' face is bad, wait until we see Hogan's. He insinuated that they paid for Hogan to get beat up outside of the gym. What really happened was.......actually, it's disputed. The official reason was a jet-ski accident. Some will have you believe that Savage did it, believing that Hogan was having an affair with Elizabeth.

Anyway, Hogan and Beefcake largely dominate the match for much of the opening exchanges, and Money Inc decide to walk out (they did this the year previously, though that isn't mentioned). Somehow, Earl Hebner has authority to make the call that if they walk out, they'll forfeit the titles, so DiBiase and IRS run back. They soon get the advantage, and beat Hogan down. With the ref distracted, Beefcake enters to put sleeper on Ted, and the count is on. Hogan plays the moron card, and goes to two wrong corners to make the tag. Beefcake makes a hot tag, and hit a high knee on IRS (that was his finisher in WCW at one point). DiBiase stops this short-lived resurgence with a briefcase to the back.

DiBiase pulls off Beefcake's mask, and Money start punching him. Beefcake hits a double clothesline, and puts the sleeper on Irwin. DiBiase interrupting knocks the ref down, and Hogan takes a hot tag. He smacks both Money Inc members with Brutus's mask, but Hebner is still down. Jimmy Hart turns his jacket inside out, and it's striped. He makes a count, and gives Beefcake and Hogan the belts. Another ref runs in, and raises the hands of Money Inc. Finkel (without being told anything) announces Money Inc as winners by DQ. So re we to assume the ref who ran down influenced the decision? In that case why didn't that happen with Doink and Crush? Is it wrong for me to get so annoyed about something over a decade and a half after it happened?

Post match, Hogan and Beefcake chase Money Inc off, and Jimmy Hart throws the ref (Danny Davis) over the top rope. You know what I never got? I never understood why Hogan did so many heelish things in his career. Obviously they worked, as he's the biggest babyface of all time, but he was always at it. Hogan and Beefcake cheated way more than Money Inc in that match. There is no injustice at the result - they deserved to be DQed.

Hogan poses for an age, then the trio find Money Inc's briefcase. They find a brick inside, as well as a bunch of money. How symbolic. Hogan finds money. He gives a bunch away to fans at ringside. Don't do that - if they can afford ringside seats at Mania they don't need a handout.

Todd Pettingill has Natalie Cole at ringside, and briefly chat to her "Good luck with your net project" before the CEO of Caesars puts over their venue and WWF. Todd asks for a deal on his room, which the CEO no-sells, and puts everyone over one more time. Todd hugs him. CEO looks appalled - and we're off to Gene Mean.

Okerlund is with Mr Perfect. Nothing much to the interview, except to note that Okerlund botches the word 'athleticism' straight away, and Hennig eventually botches Lex Luger's name - "The Lexercist".

Out comes Lex, with some staggeringly skimpily dresses ladies. I'm not complaining, but we're talking full on thongs here, years before the attitude era kicked in. The girls lift some mirrors up for Lex to pose in, and they produce the worst firework effect ever (It's outdoor and windy.) The girls leave, and pass Curt Henning in the aisleway. He has a has a cheeky peek, while the audience gives Perfect their biggest reaction of the show so far, with the exception of Hogan. And I know I say it often, but Mr Perfect's theme music was awesome.

I forgot to mention earlier, but the announcers are playing up that Luger took out Bret Hart at an earlier Wrestlemania function.

Perfect gets most of the early exchanges of the match, before Luger switches the momentum and works on Hennig's lower back.

Perfect fights back, and I'm reminded of how ridiculous Luger's selling is. Bizarre facial expressions and over-the-top shouting. Hennig performs the big babyface comeback, but this match has never got going - and it's not Curt's fault.

Hennig goes for a cover off a missile dropkick, but Luger gets a foot on the ropes. Lex reverses a backslide attempt, Perfect's feet roll onto the ropes, but the ref counts anyway. If you are keeping count, that's two clean finishes in six matches, and one of them was in a match which went three minutes.

Luger hits his loaded forearm post match, knocking Perfect silly, and leaves. Perfect eventually comes round, as announcers speculate about why Luger is able to knock people out like this. I suspect the big reveal will happen on Raw very soon. Perfect chases Luger to the back, where the Narcissist is chatting to Shawn Michaels. Perfect jumps Lex, but Luger escapes and Michaels attacks Perfect.

All twenty-six feet of Jorge Gonzalez lumbers to the ring, with the useless Harvey Wippleman, and an even more ridiculous bodysuit. Out comes Taker next, with a vulture for company. The vulture is a better manager than Wippleman. (Bearer is there too, but I wanted to get the chep shot in at Harvey!)

I won't walk you through the match, but suffice to say, with an eight foot man and a bloke portraying a zombie, it isn't quick. Just assume combinations of punch, kick, choke, Irish whip, resthold and Old School (although it was new school then).

Gonzales dominates for a while, before Taker starts to come back with.....well, punches. Wippleman throws the Giant a cloth,and Gonzales presses it into Taker's face. JR, Heenan and Savage sell that they smell something, and identify it as chloroform. Well, JR and Heenan do. Savage can't say it.

The match is thrown out, and officials come to tend to Taker, wheeling him out on a stretcher. It's funny to watch many dressed in ref's gear and suits, and then Rene Goulet and Jack Doan in togas. Gonzales chokeslams Fonzie, and the announcers sell shock and claim he'll get fined/suspended. Remember when that used to matter, and commentators used to do that properly?

Gonzales parades in the ring, and the fans actually start chanting for Hogan. Heenan acknowledges this, too. The gong sounds, and Taker returns to clean house. The announcement is finally given that Taker has won by DQ. Another non-clean finish.

Back to Gene Mean, who talks us through the rise of Yokozuna, and plays clips of the big guy attacking Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Bret Hart. He brings in Hogan, who says all his Hulkamaniacs are behind Bret. He's very supportive of Bret. Hmm, not an accurate portrayal of true feelings there, since Hogan was supposed to put Bret over and never did.

Hogan displays the rampant Xenophobia many Americans display, mistakingly thinking it is patriotism, by referring to Yokozuna as "The Jap" and then saying the title is staying "right here in the US of A". Uh, Bret's Canadian, Terry. Have you not met him before?

Off to ringside, where Todd Pettengill makes fun of a small child's ears. He asks the kid where he is from - and the kid totally no sells him. Not a single word in response. He pushes another small child out the way, then talks to two morons who have (admittedly quite creatively) made togas from curtains or bedding. They talk nonsense and pretend to fight. Mind you that's what wrestling was in 1993.

Cue up the pipes of the Orient, and the almost spherical Yokozuna. Bret follows, and the match starts at a reasonable pace. Bret hits and runs, and Yoko is a much underrated seller. He sells what he needs to do look imposing but also give his opponent something.

Yoko dominates, with Bret coming through with the odd flurry to get the crowd going and keep them interested. It's not a classic, but it's probably as good you could expect given the obvious limitations of a man with the girth of Yokozuna.

Bret rallies late on, and hit the big man into an exposed turnbuckle. Yoko falls, and Bret engineers a Sharpshooter. Fuji throws dust into Hart's eyes, and Bret relinquishes the hold. And then starts the run of ridiculous occurrences. Firstly, Yoko just hooks the leg and gets the three-count - so apparently it is dust renders your whole body immobile. He could at least have hit a move.

Then out comes Hogan, ranting about an injustice. Fuji grabs the mic, and here are his words, verbatim.

"Hogan. Hogan, you big man. My Yokozuma.......no....no....no. Hogan, my Yokozuma issue a challenge. If you have intestinal fortitude you'll accept my Yokozuma's challenge. Come on! Come on you yellow belly."

He then says something about putting up the Heavyweight belt, and something else I don't quite catch. The upshot is that Fuji instantly becomes the dumbest heel manager of all time by challenging the biggest star in wrestling to a match seconds after winning the title. Moron.

Hogan sells concern for Bret for while, and eventually Bret waves him to the ring. Yoko holds Hogan for the dust, The Hulkster moves, and the dust hits Yoko. A punch to Fuji, a clothesline to Yoko, a legdrop, and we have a new champion. Posing, fireworks, and a celebration close what in my opinion is definitely the worst Wrestlemania of all time.

Heenan has the last word, as the shows end with him selling misunderstanding about who is the champion. Thank goodness Bobby never got confused at the end of a PPV involving Hulk Hogan. That would have been embarrassing.........