Wrestlemania IX Retro Review

Yeah, it's Wrestlemania time, baby! The pomp, the pagentry......the togas, the bad matches - it's all here. Wrestlemania IX, Caesar's Palace, Las Vegas Nevada. April 4, 1993. Let's go......

(I'd like to point out that I'm watching my DVD version of the show which came with Wrestlemania anthology box set I bought about five years ago. It may feature some differences to the actual broadcast and to DVDs released more recently.)

We start with some cheesy 80s graphics (it was the nineties) and a screeching Vince, who off screen welcomes us, and hands to our host, Gorilla Monsoon. Gorilla, it epic Roman gear, welcomes us. And hands us on to - making his debut - Jim Ross. It's like the pass the parcel-style announcing. Ross mentions that he is from Oklahoma within seconds, notes that it is his first time in a toga too, mocks a centurion, and hands over to "Finkus Maximus".

Remember that Impact where Bischoff opened the show with mood lighting playing a guitar. Feels like Y2J/Rock compared to this. The Fink announces Caesar and Cleopatra, and out come the same pair - same guy anyone - that we saw at the Rumble. Their entourage includes and elephant, which draws a cheer when is (deliberately) stands on two feet. JR says 'isn't that great' or something to that effect. Well, not really Jim, it's more like animal cruelty, really, but we'll let you off since it's 17 years ago.

Fink announces Macho Man Randy Savage, who last year was in the WWF title match, and this year is announcing. Quite the fall from grace. His part is led by a couple of guys with feathers on poles, a llama, some women (who JR calls Vestal Virgins - sounds like a Russo name for a female tag team. There s still time) spreading rose petals, and then Savage on a Sedan chair. He enters the ring to an ovation. (The time on my DVD player says 5 minutes now. In your own time, guys.)

JR says he thought Heenan was going to be on the chair. He welcomes Savage to the broadcast position, and Savage's first pearl of wisdom is that "we have a lock and load type situation." Thanks Randy, ever to the point.

Back to the entrance aisle, and we get an Ostrich (which may or may not have been led by Bill Alfonso - looked a little like him) some belly dancers, a guy with a falcon, then some fellas leading a camel. Heenan enters on the camel, seated backwards. Amidst all this stupidity, I can't help but laugh at Heenan shouting "stop this camel" then basically falling off it. Heenan could read the telephone directory and still be funny.

Savage shouts "Wrestlemania 9! Do the thing! Lock and load if you've got the guts. Less the Macho Man, more the Non Sequitur man today. Mind you if Heenan was pissed off at this, he'd soon be working with Steve McMichael, so he'd look on this as halcyon days. Heenan ha a go at Oklahoma (get used it).

Common sense and awesomeness finally prevails, nearly nine minutes into the show (no national anthem or America the Beautiful by the way) as Shawn Michaels' music hits. JR asks 'what' is behind Shawn, and Heenan very eloquently explains that it is Luna Vachon, and puts over her family credentials. Tatanka is Shawn's opponent, and Sensational Sherri follows close behind. This is the third year in succession that Shawn was in the opener. He's end that run at WM10 with a man that legitimately may have changed wrestling history.

The match starts, and Michaels soon works into an extended headlock. Tatanka counters with a back suplex (That's HBK's finisher at this point, remember.) and then botches an irish whip and follow up. Eventually Shawn does his piñata on acid routine and flops to the outside, where Sherri and Luna have a little face-off. Michaels tries to re-enter the ring several times to no avail. Eventually he comes off the top rope with a sunset flip, but this goes pretty wrong too. Two botches already. Tatanka, when you watch him back, had a really lack of natural athleticism. Or maybe compared the Michaels that's unfair.

Tatanka takes charge with an armbar. For a long time. Eventually Shawn turns the tide, and the match settles in to the expected pattern of the heel building up the heat. Michaels hits what was either a lousy victory roll or a partially disguised rolling armbreaker, then Tatanka hits an Electric Chair drop leading to both men being down. A series of double axe handles by Shawn leads to the Native American "Tanking up", and he comes back with poor looking offence. Sorry, but that's how it is. An admittedly solid flying bodypress gets two.

A brief Shawn flurry leads to a top rope dive into a powerslam, which looked great. The match spills outside, and the crowd start to chat for Sherri. Michaels misses a dive from the apron, and kayfabe hits the steel steps. He then pulls the ref (Joey Marella) to the outside, ostensibly drawing a DQ. Shawn rolls back in, Tatanka hits End of the Trail, but the ref doesn't count. He signals for the bell. Finkel actually calls the finish as a count out. There has been suggestions over the years that Shawn was supposed to be counted out, probably fuelled by by Finkel's call, but unless they improvised really well, I thought it looked like all parties knew what they were doing.

Luna attacks Sherri post match. JR says that Sherri needs help. Heenan says she always did. Nice one. Tatanka carries Sherri out as Luna runs away.

Gene Mean backstage with the Steiners, who do a generic promo on the Headshrinkers. Rock says they are going to make Julius Caesar proud. Yes, the guy with the headgear and the big moustache is a Ancient Roman sympathiser. Who knew?

A sign says that New York City loves The Steiners. Interesting, given they are from Detroit and the show is in Nevada. JR says that in Oklahoma they call this a slobberknocker. WWE debut for that term.

The match begins, and it's very general stuff to begin with. Scott Steiner hits a clothesline on Fatu, who does a very impressive twisting bump. Well, impressive if you only ever see it once, but he did it every match, which rendered it pretty stupid. Scott hits a modified butterfly suplex, but then gets hit with a terrifying looking bump.With the ref distracted the headshrinker that isn't legal pulls down the top rope, while the other basically throws him over head first. I don't think it went exactly as planned. Afa then smacks Scott with a cane he brought with, completing a pretty unpleasant twenty seconds or so for the man who would become Big Poppa Pump someday.

Headshrinkers dominate for several minutes after this. It's ok but nothing more. Eventually, Samu misses a flying headbutt, and Scott makes the hot tag to Rick. Rick nails a couple of moves, but idiotically tries to bang the Samoan heads together, and the Shrinkers take over. Things build to the Samoans going for a version of the Doomsday device, which Rick sort of reverses into a belly to belly suplex. Wow. I don't recall seeing that before or since. It wasn't clean, but it was sure innovative.

Scott eventually gets a tag in, and wins with a Frankensteiner. He didn't get all of it, but it was a 3-count nonetheless. That wasn't a bad match, especially given some of the limitations involved with some participants, but it never gripped you. Both matches so far fall right in the average range.

Backstage to Doink, who has defaced the Julius Caesar statue. He talks with Gene Mean, they show a clip of the fake arm attack from a couple of weeks previous, and leave us with a promise that by the end of Wrestlemania 9, Crush will be seeing double. Hmm.

Crush hits the ring to face Doink, and right away the big guy takes charge. I'm not sure how long Bryan Adams had been wrestling at this point, but he looks green as grass here. Doink has a brief flurry, but coming off the top rope he meets a foot in the face. The clown is soon clotheslined to the outside, and tries to climb under the ring. Crush stops him. That's important, remember that. Crush press slams Doink in the ring, and goes for his head vice finisher. Doink gets to the ropes, swings an elbow, and down goes the referee.

The clown once again tries to go under the ring, and is stopped again. I like that attention to detail, even if the payoff to follow was lousy. Crush locks in the vice grip, but with the ref still down, another guy in a Doink outfit (I think it was Steve Keirn (Skinner) on this occasion) rolls in the ring and smacks Crush with the fake arm. The two Doinks do a little pantomime mirror routine, as Heenan says this is an illusion. The original Doink covers, and the ref recovers enough to count three.

Fonzie emerges to tell ref in charge Joey Marella what happened, but a look under the ring elicits nothing. Good lord. Can you imagine them doing that these days? Actually, yes, I probably can. Maybe there will be two Abyss's at Lockdown.

To the stands, where Todd Pettengill has attempted to mix a toga with shades and a baseball cap, and predictably he looks a complete berk. He wonders aloud about the two Doinks, then decides (and what a decision this turns out to be) to talk to a Japanese photographer. He speaks Japanese, and the words we anglophones can recognise are 'Doink' and 'Yokozuna'. He then asks another photographer, who laughs like an idiot. Going well this. He goes back to Snapper A, asking him if he is enjoying his stay. "Caesar's Palace number one" he says. That's more like it. Todd, learning nothing, goes back to the laughing photo guy, who says "Yokozuna number one". Uh oh, I sense a rumble between the camera guys about what exactly is 'number one'. Yoko, or the Palace. (Cue Harry Hill - only one way to find out......) Todd says 'unbelievable. Two Doinks, or an illusion. We'll leave it up to you.' Get Savage up there, see if we can make this any more random.

Not content, Todd explains that seats go way back. Uh, thanks. He says "I've been drenched with beer, I've been drenched with soda. But I've never had a better time in my life." (He actually says "why life" but you know what he means.) All this begs the question of what Todd is usually drenched with which makes Beer and Soda preferably. Actually, you know what, I don't want to know.

Back to the ring, and it's Razor Ramon time. He enters while the announcers still talk about Doink. Bob Backlund is his opponent - still no music -and it's his first Wrestlemania. It's Razor's too, but they don't mention that for some reason. Ramon is still a heel at this point, but there is a big Razor chant.

This doesn't last long. Think an average match on Raw. Or a feature match between two upper midcarders on Impact. i.e. about three minutes. Razor wins with an inside cradle.

To Gene Mean, with Money Inc. Clips are shown of Brutus getting battered by the briefcase, and Irwin says that if we thought Brutus' face is bad, wait until we see Hogan's. He insinuated that they paid for Hogan to get beat up outside of the gym. What really happened was.......actually, it's disputed. The official reason was a jet-ski accident. Some will have you believe that Savage did it, believing that Hogan was having an affair with Elizabeth.

Anyway, Hogan and Beefcake largely dominate the match for much of the opening exchanges, and Money Inc decide to walk out (they did this the year previously, though that isn't mentioned). Somehow, Earl Hebner has authority to make the call that if they walk out, they'll forfeit the titles, so DiBiase and IRS run back. They soon get the advantage, and beat Hogan down. With the ref distracted, Beefcake enters to put sleeper on Ted, and the count is on. Hogan plays the moron card, and goes to two wrong corners to make the tag. Beefcake makes a hot tag, and hit a high knee on IRS (that was his finisher in WCW at one point). DiBiase stops this short-lived resurgence with a briefcase to the back.

DiBiase pulls off Beefcake's mask, and Money start punching him. Beefcake hits a double clothesline, and puts the sleeper on Irwin. DiBiase interrupting knocks the ref down, and Hogan takes a hot tag. He smacks both Money Inc members with Brutus's mask, but Hebner is still down. Jimmy Hart turns his jacket inside out, and it's striped. He makes a count, and gives Beefcake and Hogan the belts. Another ref runs in, and raises the hands of Money Inc. Finkel (without being told anything) announces Money Inc as winners by DQ. So re we to assume the ref who ran down influenced the decision? In that case why didn't that happen with Doink and Crush? Is it wrong for me to get so annoyed about something over a decade and a half after it happened?

Post match, Hogan and Beefcake chase Money Inc off, and Jimmy Hart throws the ref (Danny Davis) over the top rope. You know what I never got? I never understood why Hogan did so many heelish things in his career. Obviously they worked, as he's the biggest babyface of all time, but he was always at it. Hogan and Beefcake cheated way more than Money Inc in that match. There is no injustice at the result - they deserved to be DQed.

Hogan poses for an age, then the trio find Money Inc's briefcase. They find a brick inside, as well as a bunch of money. How symbolic. Hogan finds money. He gives a bunch away to fans at ringside. Don't do that - if they can afford ringside seats at Mania they don't need a handout.

Todd Pettingill has Natalie Cole at ringside, and briefly chat to her "Good luck with your net project" before the CEO of Caesars puts over their venue and WWF. Todd asks for a deal on his room, which the CEO no-sells, and puts everyone over one more time. Todd hugs him. CEO looks appalled - and we're off to Gene Mean.

Okerlund is with Mr Perfect. Nothing much to the interview, except to note that Okerlund botches the word 'athleticism' straight away, and Hennig eventually botches Lex Luger's name - "The Lexercist".

Out comes Lex, with some staggeringly skimpily dresses ladies. I'm not complaining, but we're talking full on thongs here, years before the attitude era kicked in. The girls lift some mirrors up for Lex to pose in, and they produce the worst firework effect ever (It's outdoor and windy.) The girls leave, and pass Curt Henning in the aisleway. He has a has a cheeky peek, while the audience gives Perfect their biggest reaction of the show so far, with the exception of Hogan. And I know I say it often, but Mr Perfect's theme music was awesome.

I forgot to mention earlier, but the announcers are playing up that Luger took out Bret Hart at an earlier Wrestlemania function.

Perfect gets most of the early exchanges of the match, before Luger switches the momentum and works on Hennig's lower back.

Perfect fights back, and I'm reminded of how ridiculous Luger's selling is. Bizarre facial expressions and over-the-top shouting. Hennig performs the big babyface comeback, but this match has never got going - and it's not Curt's fault.

Hennig goes for a cover off a missile dropkick, but Luger gets a foot on the ropes. Lex reverses a backslide attempt, Perfect's feet roll onto the ropes, but the ref counts anyway. If you are keeping count, that's two clean finishes in six matches, and one of them was in a match which went three minutes.

Luger hits his loaded forearm post match, knocking Perfect silly, and leaves. Perfect eventually comes round, as announcers speculate about why Luger is able to knock people out like this. I suspect the big reveal will happen on Raw very soon. Perfect chases Luger to the back, where the Narcissist is chatting to Shawn Michaels. Perfect jumps Lex, but Luger escapes and Michaels attacks Perfect.

All twenty-six feet of Jorge Gonzalez lumbers to the ring, with the useless Harvey Wippleman, and an even more ridiculous bodysuit. Out comes Taker next, with a vulture for company. The vulture is a better manager than Wippleman. (Bearer is there too, but I wanted to get the chep shot in at Harvey!)

I won't walk you through the match, but suffice to say, with an eight foot man and a bloke portraying a zombie, it isn't quick. Just assume combinations of punch, kick, choke, Irish whip, resthold and Old School (although it was new school then).

Gonzales dominates for a while, before Taker starts to come back with.....well, punches. Wippleman throws the Giant a cloth,and Gonzales presses it into Taker's face. JR, Heenan and Savage sell that they smell something, and identify it as chloroform. Well, JR and Heenan do. Savage can't say it.

The match is thrown out, and officials come to tend to Taker, wheeling him out on a stretcher. It's funny to watch many dressed in ref's gear and suits, and then Rene Goulet and Jack Doan in togas. Gonzales chokeslams Fonzie, and the announcers sell shock and claim he'll get fined/suspended. Remember when that used to matter, and commentators used to do that properly?

Gonzales parades in the ring, and the fans actually start chanting for Hogan. Heenan acknowledges this, too. The gong sounds, and Taker returns to clean house. The announcement is finally given that Taker has won by DQ. Another non-clean finish.

Back to Gene Mean, who talks us through the rise of Yokozuna, and plays clips of the big guy attacking Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Bret Hart. He brings in Hogan, who says all his Hulkamaniacs are behind Bret. He's very supportive of Bret. Hmm, not an accurate portrayal of true feelings there, since Hogan was supposed to put Bret over and never did.

Hogan displays the rampant Xenophobia many Americans display, mistakingly thinking it is patriotism, by referring to Yokozuna as "The Jap" and then saying the title is staying "right here in the US of A". Uh, Bret's Canadian, Terry. Have you not met him before?

Off to ringside, where Todd Pettengill makes fun of a small child's ears. He asks the kid where he is from - and the kid totally no sells him. Not a single word in response. He pushes another small child out the way, then talks to two morons who have (admittedly quite creatively) made togas from curtains or bedding. They talk nonsense and pretend to fight. Mind you that's what wrestling was in 1993.

Cue up the pipes of the Orient, and the almost spherical Yokozuna. Bret follows, and the match starts at a reasonable pace. Bret hits and runs, and Yoko is a much underrated seller. He sells what he needs to do look imposing but also give his opponent something.

Yoko dominates, with Bret coming through with the odd flurry to get the crowd going and keep them interested. It's not a classic, but it's probably as good you could expect given the obvious limitations of a man with the girth of Yokozuna.

Bret rallies late on, and hit the big man into an exposed turnbuckle. Yoko falls, and Bret engineers a Sharpshooter. Fuji throws dust into Hart's eyes, and Bret relinquishes the hold. And then starts the run of ridiculous occurrences. Firstly, Yoko just hooks the leg and gets the three-count - so apparently it is dust renders your whole body immobile. He could at least have hit a move.

Then out comes Hogan, ranting about an injustice. Fuji grabs the mic, and here are his words, verbatim.

"Hogan. Hogan, you big man. My Yokozuma.......no....no....no. Hogan, my Yokozuma issue a challenge. If you have intestinal fortitude you'll accept my Yokozuma's challenge. Come on! Come on you yellow belly."

He then says something about putting up the Heavyweight belt, and something else I don't quite catch. The upshot is that Fuji instantly becomes the dumbest heel manager of all time by challenging the biggest star in wrestling to a match seconds after winning the title. Moron.

Hogan sells concern for Bret for while, and eventually Bret waves him to the ring. Yoko holds Hogan for the dust, The Hulkster moves, and the dust hits Yoko. A punch to Fuji, a clothesline to Yoko, a legdrop, and we have a new champion. Posing, fireworks, and a celebration close what in my opinion is definitely the worst Wrestlemania of all time.

Heenan has the last word, as the shows end with him selling misunderstanding about who is the champion. Thank goodness Bobby never got confused at the end of a PPV involving Hulk Hogan. That would have been embarrassing.........

Raw Number Ten

So it's getting near that time. Are you excited? Are you nervous? Are you thinking about purchasing Wrestlemania IX? If the answers to any of the previous three questions is 'yes', then you are a Gonzalez-size berk, but I applaud your honesty.

We are back in Manhattan Center for the tenth edition Monday Night Raw, taking place approximately two weeks before Wrestlemania. It will be the last proper Raw before Mania, since the next week's edition was essentially a countdown show.

We are welcome by Vince McMahon (the real one this time), who along with Savage and Bartlett (as himself) greet us with the usual "Uncut, uncensored and uncooked" greeting that I've actually been sparing you from. Anyway, the butcher it, and off we go to a World Title match. No we don't, it's a special tag team match. No, sorry, it's a Wrestlemania showcase. No, wrong again.

It's the Michael Landon awards. Yup, the Michael Landon awards, which narrator Sean Mooney (hey they got off the street and into an edit suite) tells us took place last Monday in New York (this'll be why Vince wasn't there last week, then). We see Debbie Gibson, Cindy Crawford and others from the event and WOW, it's the Hulkster, with his wife, who is smiling. Collectors item.

Then we see Randy Savage shaking hands with Ric Flair. That's odd, didn't Flair leave and those two are mortal enemies? Wait, no, it's Leslie Neilson from Naked Gun, I got confused. Sure looks like Flair.

Right, I'm having a laugh, but it is a serious thing. It's a do for the National Children's Leukemia Foundation, and they are honouring WWF for charitable efforts. Fair enough. Good on them.

However, we get a speech/promo from the Hulkster, complete with tux and red badanna, where he actually says "my biggest body has got to be my heart." Oh my.....

a) that's not something you should about yourself, it's for other to judge and b) that's obviously why Linda left him. Searching for a bigger "body part"

In fairness, I think he was trying to say Vince taught him to be kind. Not that this is much less nauseating. I'm not knocking WWF for working hard for charity, I'm not knocking the cause at all, but WWF's "aren't we awesome" presentation is a little too much.

Hilariously (when you consider the context today) Hogan calls McMahon his hero. He also calls him the "True Champion of Children" which make me wonder who scripted this. Finally, he botches the name of the award McMahon is getting. The band Rocky's theme (not particularly well) as Vince walks to the stage. WWF didn't often acknowledge Vince as the boss at this time, so that's pretty interesting.

Vince starts to give a speech (by the way, we are eight minutes into Raw at this point) and puts over the superstars as worthy of the award. Fair enough, too. It's quite a nice speech, and pretty heartfelt too, I think.

The Raw theme hits and ten and a half minutes into the programme. I don't they would have run this head-to-head with Nitro back in the day. Finally, it's the dreaded three shot of Bartlett, McMahon and Savage. The Macho Man looks like a zebra on acid.

Bushwhackers v Damien Demento and Repo Man, says Randy, is to come tonight. Kamala v Doink, too, plus Money Inc and Tatanka.

Bushwhackers music hits, and here come the wacky Kiwi duo, to face the rather odd duo of Repo and Demento. Let's give them a name. Erm, let me think.........oh, I know, we'll mix up their names, and somehow get Redemption. Sort of works. Think about it.

Hang on, where are the Bushwhackers? The music plays for ages, with even Howard Finkel doing the 'where are they?' look. Turns out Luke and Butch are in the balcony. They come down during the break. Now, I'd like make a lot of fun of this nonsense, but I loved it when I was a kid.

I haven't seen a Bushwhackers match in years. I can't believe what I'm watching. Some of the least convincing offense of all time, including the old Greco-roman bite to the arse. But somehow, it's funny.

Demento and Repo turn the tide, and get on top, and now it's some of the ludicrous bumping of all time from Bushwhacker Luke. It's like he is on a time delay. Bushwhacker win in, workrate-wise, may honestly be a contender for worst Raw match ever. And I mean that.

Reno Riggins, who is mulleted up good, in next in the ring, asking as proverbial lamb to a proverbial slaughter, facing the undefeated Tatanka. The Native American wasn't the most agile of guys, and this is a bit of a bumpy affair. Not too much clicking between the pair. That's probably why they didn't have a lengthy, nine-month feud, right?

Riggins actually gets a lot of offense in, but that's most probably so that Tatanka can do his warpath thing (Tanking up). He hits what I have in my head is called the End of the Trail, but Vince calls it the Papoose To Go. Damn, that's what my mate Paul called it. I've always told him he was full of it. No-one tell him, ok?

Nice little package in memory of Andre, and then it's Money Inc time. Scott Rich and Jeff Armstrong, are their jobbers in question. Nice rattail on of them, not sure which is which. Shock horror, Irwin says something dry about taxes.

The match starts, and Ted immediately takes control. For some reason, the camera goes behind Bartlett, to show he has a TV. He is flicking through the channels. Vince asks what he is doing - he says checking the competition. Vince says "There is no competition." Hmm, give it just a couple of years, Vinny, then we'll see. Interestingly, just to the left, you can see Bruce Pritchard with a headset. If you're interested. Randy then curiously says that he reckons he can "put that TV inside Bartlett with him knowing what it is." That's a scary visual. Please don't elaborate, uh, 'Randy'.

Money Inc dominate, and win with an IRS clothesline. Nothing to see here.

Gene Mean is here for another Mania rundown. He only mentioned three matches. Hogan/Beefcake v Money Inc, Bret v Yoko, Taker v Giant. He spends more time talking about the toga party. He does, though, mention that Bret v Yoko contract signing is going to be on Superstars and Challenge. Remember when important stuff DIDN'T happen on Raw, but elsewhere?

Kamala v eeeeeevil Doink, next, according to Vinny. Should be fun. If anyone ever tries to deny to you that WWF in the early/mid 90s was cartoony, show them a video of this show. Man alive.

Doink offer Kamala a present, but pulls it away when the big guy goes to grab it, and takes him down. Good stuff. Doink works the arm for a week or so, before Kamala makes a small comeback. As soon as he does we go to a break, and when we come back, Doink is back on top. Kamala gets the momentum back, throwing Doink to the outside. Kamala gives chase, and Doink runs to get the present. He gives it to Kamala, who stares at it, and promptly gets counted out.

Kamala chases Doink again, who runs under the ring. Vince says Kamala will be running after Bam Bam Bigelow at Wrestlemania. I don't remember that match - did that get pulled from the line up? Kamala chases under the ring, but Doink emerges the other side and grabs a (non-folding) chair. He slams in against the side of the ring a couple of times, as Kamala appears to coming out, but the big guy emerges on another side of the ring, and sneaks up on Doink. (as much as a 400-lbs guy with a painted face and stomach can sneak) He chops him, then chase Doink with the chair. Kamala is virtually Eugene at this point.

As Doink runs up the aisle, full of fans swinging arms, someone knocks his wig off, but the camera cuts away quickly. As this is pre-war, we don't get to follow backstage to see what is happening. Instead, it's a plug for WWF Mania, and then Vince informs us that the Bret Hart respect video will have a World Premiere on that show. If I recall that was just an Aretha Franklin song with Bret Hart clips played over it. Or the other way around if you like.

Final break, and Vince promises us "The Rob Bartlett fan club" after the break. And when we have it.....oh joy, it's more fat jokes, as the oversized ladies who are cruelly made to carry the Raw signs are grinning behind our beloved third commentator. McMahon congrats Bartlett on being the "1993 Spam Eating Contest winner". (Is that a euphemism?) I'll spare you too many details, but basically Bartlett makes out with one of them. You happy?

Vince plugs The March to Wrestlemania with Bam Bam v Taker and Macho v Yoko. Savage guarantees victory. (Spoiler: he loses) and Vince promises midgets. Seriously. Unfortunately, I don't have this show, so we'll sadly to have to miss Savage not making good on his promise and midget wrestling. Oh well.

Next time: Wrestlemania IX. Maybe the worst Mania of all time. I can't wait........

900 to 1

Next Monday, WWE celebrates the 900th edition on Monday Night Raw. Whether this is or isn't the exact 900th ep (their 800th one was a little off) and whether you like WWE or not, this is really is a marvelous achievement.

I was curious to see, though, how exactly the first show would be able to compare with the most recent offerings, so I got into to my high tech, patent pending McNichol Time Expander (a subsidiary of the McNichol Eliminator company) and went back to January 11th, to the Manhattan Center, for the first ever Monday Night Raw.

Here are my findings.......

So, we're ready for the first ever Monday Night Raw. And who will be the first ever guy we see on the Broadcast? Vince McMahon? Shawn Michaels? Bret Hart?

Nope, it's legendary announcer Sean Mooney. There's a trivia question to ask your friends. Mooney tells us it is cold in New York, but hot in the building. Or something. He stumbled over the word 'Elements', which was sort of funny because it came over a little bit like "elephants" - "braving the elephants" would have been a fun gimmick for the opening night.

Mooney is interrupted by Bobby Heenan trying to get into the building, but Mooney tells him Rob Bartlett is hosting. Who? I don't remember him at all. Wait, stop the tape, Google time.........

Wow, Bartlett hosted along with Vince and Savage for the first 3/4 months of the show. I genuinely have no recollection of the guy. Admittedly during this time we didn't get Raw in this country, but we were shown highlights on WWF Mania, with Todd Pettengill (ooh, I wonder if we'll get Pettengill, the poor man's Borash, on this show?)

Back to the tape, and Heenan is upset because he can't even buy a ticket. Nice (not very) subtle way of saying they are sold out.

After some dubious theme music - I think Raw have had some great theme tracks, but not this one - we hear the familiar "welcome everyone" of mid-90s Vince. He intros the show over a very annoying siren. I assume that's the fashion police come for Savage's garish gear and Bartlett's appalling sunglasses.

Bartlett does an Adamle, and tells us it's going to be Koko B Ware v YokozuMa. Not Jeff Harvey then? Actually Adamle did his faux pas in MSG, so maybe it's a New York thing.

Sure enough, here is Koko, quite oddly to Owen Hart's music. I always think of Bird Bird Bird and Piledriver when it comes to Koko, but I forget he teamed with Owen for a bit in High Energy. Indeed, Yoko also teamed with Owen, winning the tag belts.

Yoko comes out, and he is pretty sizable. Yoko was a big star and a multi-time WWF champion. The other was a jobber. Which one is in the Hall of Fame?

McMahon says that Yoko has a combination of all of the martials arts. Yeah, he was a real high-flier, with some great kung fu style kicks, wasn't he? (Note sarcasm) Bartlett says Yoko is "One big butted Oriental." McMahon replies "In a manner of speaking, yes." I assume in the manner that he has a big butt, and not oriental, since he was Samoan. Bartlett says ass, and Vince and Savage piss themselves a little bit. Remember when WWF was PG and you couldn't say 'ass'? Oh right......

From this point, just assume that Bartlett does a weak Yokozuna - sorry, YokozuMa - size joke every twenty seconds, and suffixes it with "eh Vince?"

Vince gives a plug at this stage for the Royal Rumble (it was thirteen days later) and says tat Yoko will be in it, as will Savage. In fact they were the last two remaining.

Yoko has a big bruise on his left, erm, breast, but it doesn't stop him, erm, standing basically still, but throwing Koko all over the ring. Eventually he drops a leg, hits the splash in the corner then the Banzai Drop. The ropes look really loose, by the way.

After a Rumble hype video and an ad break, it's back to Vince and co, with a swift cutaway to a gratuitous shot of a young lady in a leotard holding up a Monday Night Raw board. Wearing a one-piece, still PG.

They cut to a Bobby Heenan-in-front-of-a-curtain promo (despite him being outside the building). He talks up his new charge "Narcissus", who is yet to be named as Lex Luger. He would be unveiled at the Rumble, and he'll be going after Mr Perfect. Good stuff from Heenan, though he ended up going well overboard at the Rumble.

Steiner time next. Bartlett exposes idiocy a little bit more by asking which is Scott and which is Rick. I didn't catch the names of their opponents, who are such uber jobbers, it seems, that they don't get clear announcements and are under hoods, too. I'm guessing they are called The Executioners, because they did that gimmick a fair bit back then, with different outfits.

(As soon as I typed that, Vince called them Executioners)

Just as this match starts, with Scotty hitting a hard looking tilt-a-whirl slam, Doink appears in the background, with Vince referring to him as "That goofy-looking clown." and not by name, initially. Eventually Bartlett calls him Dork the Clown, and Vince actually agrees, and has to be put right by Savage. Quite the turning of tables.

The Steiners destroy their opponents with an array of good (and painful) looking moves, including a finisher of a bulldog version of the Doomsday Device. I miss these old squash matches. They only take up a couple of minutes, and really get over the moves of the wrestlers in question.

Cut back to Mooney outside. (I like how they wouldn't let Heenan in, but Mooney is on the team and still has to stay outside) He sees a security guy stopping a 'woman' who claims to be Rob Bartlett's aunt. Of course it's Heenan, and it's ludicrous, but it's funny because Heenan was just a riot.

In house adverts next. Bret putting over IcoPro (it was a supplement that WWF promoted), Savage putting over Slim Jims, and Lord Alfred (badly) putting over WWF video games. I think he said Bert The Hitman Hart.

Next it's Razor Ramon, who was number one contender at the time, doing his Bad Guy Cuban shtick. He does draw some cheers for this with the (slightly) raucous NYC crowd, but overall it isn't a big sell promo considering he is a world title match less than two weeks later.

Some promotion for Headlock for Hunger charity event later, it's time for the IC champ. Which was.....any guesses.........? Yes, you at the back, well done, it was Shawn Michaels.

Before HBK, we get the entrance of Max Moon, who gets no music and seems to firing off some balls of fire. Bizarrely, though, this is shown from a very long range camera. The music starts and the focus comes in as he enters the ring and does a couple of forward rolls. That's Paul Diamond (Kato) in the suit by the way.

Michaels has his old music, the one Sherri sang, and a blue strap to the IC belt. The crowd are getting a little behind Shawn (the heel) as Vince says "Thus far it seems to me Max Moon is outclassing Shawn Michaels." I guarantee that is the only time that sentence has ever been used in the history of man.

Mid match break, and it's back with Michaels on top, and a little plug for Shawn v Marty Janetty. This is all over the place now, because Doink is back out, while Bartlett does a bizarre Mike Tyson impression for about five minutes, with Vince 'interviewing' Tyson and including a reference to two royal divorces. I wonder if they played this to Iron Mike (Tyson, not Sharpe) when they got him on board in 1999.

Michaels, near the end of the match, hits Sweet Chin Music, but this is before he put lead in his soles, or whatever, because it is simply called as a "savate kick", and he actually finishes Moon with a side suplex, which was his finisher at the time. Imagine someone having a side suplex as a finisher now.

After a WWF Mania plug, it's Gene Mean and his little mustache to give us a Royal Rumble Report. Promos from Shawn and Marty, and a run down of some of the Rumble competitors. At one point Fuji talks for his charge, and says YokoZuma fives times. Not just Bartlett then.

A guy with a big beard and ringlets tries to get into the building. Hmm. No joy there for Bobby Heenanstein. Which is nearly the name of the other ballroom, funnily enough.

A flashback to Superstars shows a Kamala face turn, when Reverend Slick tried to stop Kimchee and Harvey Wippleman berating the Ugandan Giant, and Kamala turned on is captors. Man, face turns were easy back then.

BONG! Taker is here......I think. The crowd cheer the weak sounding gong, and the camera stays on Damien Demento, Undertaker's opponent for the evening. No lights out, nothing. Suddenly Taker is getting in the ring. We just take that entrance for granted now.

Taker swiftly beats Demento, as Vince plugs Santana v Flair and Perfect v Shango for the following week's show. He also plugs Woody Allen v Mia Farrow in a steel cage, which I assume was a one hit joke, as I don't remember a Donald v Rosie style segment, though I may be wrong.

Finally, we get Doink (dork?) with Vince outside the ring. Vince asks why Doink makes kids cry. The clown says they have no sense of humour. Vince says Crush is after him, to which Doink sells no fear. Crush comes out to threaten the clown. I don't remember too many Crush promos. I now know why. Doink squirts the big Hawaiian with a water gun. Crush chases him (slowly) around the ring a little, then gets into the ring, and his music plays. Is that it? Remember this angle would play out at WRESTLEMANIA.

The show ends with Bobby Heenan finally being allowed into the building. The joke being that the show is over, and Bobby doesn't realise it. Har dee haha.

So that's it. How does it compare to today? To use an Eric Bischoff phrase, it's apples and bricks. There are aspects of wrestling that worked in that era that could still be used, like the squash match, but we've evolved so far we often don't even realise it. From a production standpoint, this looks so different. There are less big stars, a lack of quality in the ring. The crappy Vince humour is prevalent in both, mind you.

I quite enjoyed this little stroll down memory lane. Maybe I'll take a look at some other old shows in weeks to come. Thanks for joining me in this little jaunt. Mind your step, now.