900 to 1

Next Monday, WWE celebrates the 900th edition on Monday Night Raw. Whether this is or isn't the exact 900th ep (their 800th one was a little off) and whether you like WWE or not, this is really is a marvelous achievement.

I was curious to see, though, how exactly the first show would be able to compare with the most recent offerings, so I got into to my high tech, patent pending McNichol Time Expander (a subsidiary of the McNichol Eliminator company) and went back to January 11th, to the Manhattan Center, for the first ever Monday Night Raw.

Here are my findings.......

So, we're ready for the first ever Monday Night Raw. And who will be the first ever guy we see on the Broadcast? Vince McMahon? Shawn Michaels? Bret Hart?

Nope, it's legendary announcer Sean Mooney. There's a trivia question to ask your friends. Mooney tells us it is cold in New York, but hot in the building. Or something. He stumbled over the word 'Elements', which was sort of funny because it came over a little bit like "elephants" - "braving the elephants" would have been a fun gimmick for the opening night.

Mooney is interrupted by Bobby Heenan trying to get into the building, but Mooney tells him Rob Bartlett is hosting. Who? I don't remember him at all. Wait, stop the tape, Google time.........

Wow, Bartlett hosted along with Vince and Savage for the first 3/4 months of the show. I genuinely have no recollection of the guy. Admittedly during this time we didn't get Raw in this country, but we were shown highlights on WWF Mania, with Todd Pettengill (ooh, I wonder if we'll get Pettengill, the poor man's Borash, on this show?)

Back to the tape, and Heenan is upset because he can't even buy a ticket. Nice (not very) subtle way of saying they are sold out.

After some dubious theme music - I think Raw have had some great theme tracks, but not this one - we hear the familiar "welcome everyone" of mid-90s Vince. He intros the show over a very annoying siren. I assume that's the fashion police come for Savage's garish gear and Bartlett's appalling sunglasses.

Bartlett does an Adamle, and tells us it's going to be Koko B Ware v YokozuMa. Not Jeff Harvey then? Actually Adamle did his faux pas in MSG, so maybe it's a New York thing.

Sure enough, here is Koko, quite oddly to Owen Hart's music. I always think of Bird Bird Bird and Piledriver when it comes to Koko, but I forget he teamed with Owen for a bit in High Energy. Indeed, Yoko also teamed with Owen, winning the tag belts.

Yoko comes out, and he is pretty sizable. Yoko was a big star and a multi-time WWF champion. The other was a jobber. Which one is in the Hall of Fame?

McMahon says that Yoko has a combination of all of the martials arts. Yeah, he was a real high-flier, with some great kung fu style kicks, wasn't he? (Note sarcasm) Bartlett says Yoko is "One big butted Oriental." McMahon replies "In a manner of speaking, yes." I assume in the manner that he has a big butt, and not oriental, since he was Samoan. Bartlett says ass, and Vince and Savage piss themselves a little bit. Remember when WWF was PG and you couldn't say 'ass'? Oh right......

From this point, just assume that Bartlett does a weak Yokozuna - sorry, YokozuMa - size joke every twenty seconds, and suffixes it with "eh Vince?"

Vince gives a plug at this stage for the Royal Rumble (it was thirteen days later) and says tat Yoko will be in it, as will Savage. In fact they were the last two remaining.

Yoko has a big bruise on his left, erm, breast, but it doesn't stop him, erm, standing basically still, but throwing Koko all over the ring. Eventually he drops a leg, hits the splash in the corner then the Banzai Drop. The ropes look really loose, by the way.

After a Rumble hype video and an ad break, it's back to Vince and co, with a swift cutaway to a gratuitous shot of a young lady in a leotard holding up a Monday Night Raw board. Wearing a one-piece, still PG.

They cut to a Bobby Heenan-in-front-of-a-curtain promo (despite him being outside the building). He talks up his new charge "Narcissus", who is yet to be named as Lex Luger. He would be unveiled at the Rumble, and he'll be going after Mr Perfect. Good stuff from Heenan, though he ended up going well overboard at the Rumble.

Steiner time next. Bartlett exposes idiocy a little bit more by asking which is Scott and which is Rick. I didn't catch the names of their opponents, who are such uber jobbers, it seems, that they don't get clear announcements and are under hoods, too. I'm guessing they are called The Executioners, because they did that gimmick a fair bit back then, with different outfits.

(As soon as I typed that, Vince called them Executioners)

Just as this match starts, with Scotty hitting a hard looking tilt-a-whirl slam, Doink appears in the background, with Vince referring to him as "That goofy-looking clown." and not by name, initially. Eventually Bartlett calls him Dork the Clown, and Vince actually agrees, and has to be put right by Savage. Quite the turning of tables.

The Steiners destroy their opponents with an array of good (and painful) looking moves, including a finisher of a bulldog version of the Doomsday Device. I miss these old squash matches. They only take up a couple of minutes, and really get over the moves of the wrestlers in question.

Cut back to Mooney outside. (I like how they wouldn't let Heenan in, but Mooney is on the team and still has to stay outside) He sees a security guy stopping a 'woman' who claims to be Rob Bartlett's aunt. Of course it's Heenan, and it's ludicrous, but it's funny because Heenan was just a riot.

In house adverts next. Bret putting over IcoPro (it was a supplement that WWF promoted), Savage putting over Slim Jims, and Lord Alfred (badly) putting over WWF video games. I think he said Bert The Hitman Hart.

Next it's Razor Ramon, who was number one contender at the time, doing his Bad Guy Cuban shtick. He does draw some cheers for this with the (slightly) raucous NYC crowd, but overall it isn't a big sell promo considering he is a world title match less than two weeks later.

Some promotion for Headlock for Hunger charity event later, it's time for the IC champ. Which was.....any guesses.........? Yes, you at the back, well done, it was Shawn Michaels.

Before HBK, we get the entrance of Max Moon, who gets no music and seems to firing off some balls of fire. Bizarrely, though, this is shown from a very long range camera. The music starts and the focus comes in as he enters the ring and does a couple of forward rolls. That's Paul Diamond (Kato) in the suit by the way.

Michaels has his old music, the one Sherri sang, and a blue strap to the IC belt. The crowd are getting a little behind Shawn (the heel) as Vince says "Thus far it seems to me Max Moon is outclassing Shawn Michaels." I guarantee that is the only time that sentence has ever been used in the history of man.

Mid match break, and it's back with Michaels on top, and a little plug for Shawn v Marty Janetty. This is all over the place now, because Doink is back out, while Bartlett does a bizarre Mike Tyson impression for about five minutes, with Vince 'interviewing' Tyson and including a reference to two royal divorces. I wonder if they played this to Iron Mike (Tyson, not Sharpe) when they got him on board in 1999.

Michaels, near the end of the match, hits Sweet Chin Music, but this is before he put lead in his soles, or whatever, because it is simply called as a "savate kick", and he actually finishes Moon with a side suplex, which was his finisher at the time. Imagine someone having a side suplex as a finisher now.

After a WWF Mania plug, it's Gene Mean and his little mustache to give us a Royal Rumble Report. Promos from Shawn and Marty, and a run down of some of the Rumble competitors. At one point Fuji talks for his charge, and says YokoZuma fives times. Not just Bartlett then.

A guy with a big beard and ringlets tries to get into the building. Hmm. No joy there for Bobby Heenanstein. Which is nearly the name of the other ballroom, funnily enough.

A flashback to Superstars shows a Kamala face turn, when Reverend Slick tried to stop Kimchee and Harvey Wippleman berating the Ugandan Giant, and Kamala turned on is captors. Man, face turns were easy back then.

BONG! Taker is here......I think. The crowd cheer the weak sounding gong, and the camera stays on Damien Demento, Undertaker's opponent for the evening. No lights out, nothing. Suddenly Taker is getting in the ring. We just take that entrance for granted now.

Taker swiftly beats Demento, as Vince plugs Santana v Flair and Perfect v Shango for the following week's show. He also plugs Woody Allen v Mia Farrow in a steel cage, which I assume was a one hit joke, as I don't remember a Donald v Rosie style segment, though I may be wrong.

Finally, we get Doink (dork?) with Vince outside the ring. Vince asks why Doink makes kids cry. The clown says they have no sense of humour. Vince says Crush is after him, to which Doink sells no fear. Crush comes out to threaten the clown. I don't remember too many Crush promos. I now know why. Doink squirts the big Hawaiian with a water gun. Crush chases him (slowly) around the ring a little, then gets into the ring, and his music plays. Is that it? Remember this angle would play out at WRESTLEMANIA.

The show ends with Bobby Heenan finally being allowed into the building. The joke being that the show is over, and Bobby doesn't realise it. Har dee haha.

So that's it. How does it compare to today? To use an Eric Bischoff phrase, it's apples and bricks. There are aspects of wrestling that worked in that era that could still be used, like the squash match, but we've evolved so far we often don't even realise it. From a production standpoint, this looks so different. There are less big stars, a lack of quality in the ring. The crappy Vince humour is prevalent in both, mind you.

I quite enjoyed this little stroll down memory lane. Maybe I'll take a look at some other old shows in weeks to come. Thanks for joining me in this little jaunt. Mind your step, now.

Raw Thoughts - Jan 19

Sorry for the delay this week - I've been in Manchester with TNA for a couple of days. A great show in the MEN Arena, and looking forward to Wembley on Saturday. Will update you all of my trip in due course.

On with the Raw notes.....

· Ridiculous opening contest. Eliminating that many guys in no time whatsoever completely devalues the nature of trying to stay in the match on Sunday.
· The idea of it, I suppose, was to get over the idea that The Legacy will be working together to benefit Orton. I’ll give them that.
· While I’m moaning about short matches, Beth just squashed Kelly Kelly. It took about two minutes and was one-sided and decisive. The trouble is that a few weeks back Kelly Kelly was giving Beth a run for her money, and soon, when they decide KK will be number one contender, she’ll be able to compete again. Then they’ll wonder why no-one buys her chances.
· I like the irony of Orton verbally attacking Steph for getting the job because of her Dad, being General Manager because of her last name. Wouldn’t she be third generation, just like Randy?
· Michael Cole and King offer nothing in the way of insight or add to big match feels. Ad breaks don’t help, of course, but there was no flow as a viewer to that match because they kept waffling on about Layla looking pretty or listing a bunch of people who have won the IC title. If they’d just shut up about that and call the match, occasionally stopping to discuss strategy and so forth. Instead it’s just mindless prattle for much of the time. To be fair to both men, it is likely not their fault, as they will be simply calling in the style they are advised to do so.
· Decent match with Regal and Punk, but it’s frustrating because I know they could do better.
· That was a terrific Cena promo. When he is doing 80s jokes and making fun of Todd Grisham he comes across as an idiot, but when he speak passionately and with feeling he is phenomenal.
· JBL, in equal measures, lives up to his end of the bargain. As does HBK. This has actually turned into a very fine angle, and I suspect that it may spike the odd buy or two for Sunday. I like the fact that JBL didn’t put Michaels down, he talked him up and said that’s why he employs him.
· The one negative with this is that Michaels looks in it for the long haul. Normally I’d like that and encourage the long story arc, but I don’t want to see HBK v JBL at Wrestlemania. Think of who Michaels could face – Austin, Triple H, Taker, Mysterio would all be valid opponents and would contribute to awesome contests. I can’t see JBL/Michaels living up.
· I LOVED the Mike Knox reasoning for attacking Rey “I really don’t know.” That’s brilliant. The guy who is so crazy that he attacks for no reason is far scarier than the man who attacks because he doesn’t like little guys or thought Kelly Kelly loved him, for example. I’d have had Knox win though. Mysterio is over with the people with whom he needs to be over, so a loss to Knox doesn’t hurt him. The beating he got makes him look weak anyway, but think about what a big win would do for Knox, who actually seems to be a big guy with a bit of fascination behind his character, as opposed to Snitsky, who we were supposed to boo because he had bad teeth.
· More utter stupidity, having Cryme Tyme beat Mizorrison in short order. I am aware that CT were supposed to have stolen the victory.
· And how many people actually regularly visit WWE.com? Is it really “Well documented” that there is an online feud between the two teams? I’d suggest that “well documented” in this case simply means that Cole talks about it sometimes. Is Duggan supposed to be working for Cryme Tyme? Why did Shad say Hacksaw was on a ‘special assignment’? I have no idea, because I never follow WWE.com. And I can’t believe that a huge percentage of the viewing audience do either.
· Notice how they are advertising a Rumble win as a chance for a title shot at Mania, and not a main event opportunity.
· Sorry, but that was a terrible closing segment. You are supposed to be promoted the Royal Rumble, yet you end with a dull 20 minutes or so of Steph and Vince trying to humiliate Randy Orton and Chris Jericho, with Vince getting kicked in the head by Randy at the end.
· How many times will Vince Die?
· I have one idea – I mentioned in jest about Steph being third generation – but so is Shane. What if Shane was the one pulling the strings of The Legacy? What if the legacy they are talking about is him inheriting the company? What if he is getting back at his father – and soon his sister – so as to take over the company again?

Raw Thoughts Dec 29

· Rey and Shawn – good to see them in the ring together. Is this is a slow build to Mania? One of the last remaining dream matches.
· I thought (and still think) the reasoning for Michaels working for JBL is really flimsy, but it is generating great heat. JBL is a master at this craft.
· I’d have a little bit more of that – Cena helping out Mysterio. Fans really respond when babyfaces stick together and help each other.
· Not a bad little match with Cody and Punk, but just such a weak end section. I don’t mean the finish of the match, which is understandable. It was more the attack on Cody by Punk, leading to Regal attacking Punk in turn. Explain to me why Punk’s actions are that of a noble babyface and Regal’s the dastardly heel. You can’t, because they are the wrong way round. I hate it when wrestlers act inappropriately for their character.
· Wow, how far down the pecking order did Candice Michelle fall? Number four babyface in a women’s division is not high for the former golden girl.
· Why did Melina have to win a battle royal to be number one contender? Couldn’t she just have been named the contender or have won a one on one match with Mickie? Because she was clearly going to win anyway.
· Ok, we get Super Haas Charlie Snuka. Expect in the coming weeks “American Haas” Charlie Rhodes and Haasa the Wild Samoan.
· My favourite bit of Raw so far. Cole suggest that the pace will pick up as Kofi enters the ring. Kings says “say it like JR – Business is about to pick up!” There is then about 6 seconds of silence before Cole talks again, simply calling the match and ignoring King.
· Fun ten man tag. Very old school action. I enjoyed it. That kind of match is a great way to feature someone like Kofi.
· I’m guessing that whatever plan they had for Kelly’s boyfriend they dropped, and simply had her say that it was Randy Orton, to give Orton a bit more of an edge to his obnoxious jackass of character (that’s a compliment by the way)
· I liked the Legacy stuff. The individual matches all meant something which made them all a bit more watchable.
· I don’t know if we needed to see JBL v Cena again, but since Cena will win anyway it hardly matters. I’m happy to see Jericho, Orton and Michaels all in the Rumble.

Raw Thoughts - September 29th

Raw Thoughts 29th September
· More good stuff from Santino on the stick. I assume Batista was allowed to laugh in the ring at Marella’s antics, but you wouldn’t blame him for not being able to keep a straight face.
· Interesting little promo from Michaels backstage about finding a partner, throwing in little teases for Hulk Hogan, Steve Austin and Bret Hart. He says he went too far with the last one, and stated he would find a partner who actually likes him. Does that mean that he and Austin don’t get on? I didn’t know that.
· Throwaway match between Miz and JTG, notable only for King getting Harvard and Yale mixed up, and suggesting someone that had four prom dates had “four times more than you, Michael” Which would mean that Cole had one, which is not really an insult, just pointing out a probable fact.
· Oops. Katie and Paul Burchill get no entrance, just happen to be in the ring after the break. Not a good sign.
· Lance Cade has the most generic music ever.
· Fun eight-man tag to simply remind us of the Rey/Kane and Punk/Priceless programmes, with associated parties completing the set. PAW – Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.
· Another of those in ring promo jobs that sees constant interruptions. Last week this was fun, but doing it every week cheapens it. This didn’t really offer anything about from a minor sort of revenge for Batista and small dig by Orton at Adamle.
· I demand a Fabulous Moolah-meter next week
· I know I have a go at him all the time, but Cole just says words that don’t fit properly in sentences. Why does he keep saying “Historic 800th Raw”? What was historic about it, apart from the number? He described the main event as “legendary” before it had happened. It’s just really poor use of grammar. I hesitate to lay into him completely because I have no idea if this is him talking rubbish or whether it is being implanted into him through his cans (That’s his headset, you perverts) by another figure. Say a higher power.
· Not one of Jericho’s best promos, that. But then the standard he is aiming for is so high.
· Again, sorry to go back to the announcers, but there can’t have been many of you sat at home who didn’t guess that HBK’s partner would be Triple H. So why do Cole and King sit there like idiots saying “It can’t be” and “Oh My God”. Who else was it going to be, Marty f’n Jannetty?

Raw Thoughts - September 8th

Raw Thoughts
· Jericho’s promo wasn’t up to his latest standard, but was still pretty good.
· Punk v Jericho next week is a decent and sensible main event if they are not going to go with the two men in a proper programme anytime soon. They have already wrestled on TV in the last couple of months, so it’s been done, but the addition of the title will spice it up. I don’t see that it makes sense having it in a cage though. The cage is supposed to be used as a tool later in a feud when it is hotting.
· I’m also not overly happy at this point with Jericho having to wrestle the day after his exertions with Michaels and the Scramble.
· Beth v Mickie was ok, and sets up a logical Beth v Candice encounter. Candice was wearing a red corset which frankly made her look a funny shape. I can’t understand why these gorgeous women feel the need to try to make themselves stand out even more.
· Speaking of gorgeous women, the beautiful (and English!)Layla has a humourous little skit backstage with Jamie Noble, with Jillian involved. She seems sympathetic and warming to Jamie slightly. She’ll turn on him within the month. Maybe within the evening.
· Ok, ordinary match, and then we have two things I want to clear up. Firstly, Regal has been involved with Jamie for a few weeks now, and it’s only just crossed my mind that Regal could have had some fun with referring to Noble as common or poor, and that as a King, he is the true Nobleman. Secondly, the thing I wrote about 10 minutes ago about Layla turning on Noble sort of happened, but Layla sold leaving with Regal as being sort of forced into it. She almost looked hypnotised.
· JBL destroys Haas – or CHL. I’ll be honest, I get a real kick out of Charlie Haas doing these spoofs. It’s not a brand new concept, but it’s making me laugh.
· Rey talks to Grisham and explains that he had to take time off to let his body recover. And what better way to do that than to get a huge, freaking tattoo!! Cool promo at Kane, though.
· Notice how Lillian isn’t used to announcing the ECW guys? “Making THEIR way to the ring.....(realises Morrison and Miz are not together, and she doesn’t know their weight and hometown)” and just announces them singularly.
· “Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?” Err, get beaten up in a parking lot?
· Rey has lost the big Mohawk ‘do already. Maybe Miz got jealous and shaved it off?
· Evan Bourne – next X Division champion.
· Shouldn’t Bourne’s finisher be called Air Bourne?
· I like where they are going with Orton and the Second Generation-ers. (They need a name. Let’s call Gentoo – as in Generation Two, not the penguins) It gives Orton something to do, along with the inevitable Punk showdown in time. Good use of a valuable superstar.
· Nice for Manu, his first ever move on Raw was missed. Welcome, young Samoan.
· Cody, Ted and Manu best friend beat Cryme Tyme and Kofi. Manu is basically like every Samoan ever. Do they not have Samoan cruiserweights?
· Typical awesomeness from Santino (he could just show up and say Honky Donkey Man every week and I’d be happy) but I wasn’t crazy about the match. Feels tacked on.
· ‘Meh’ kind of main event with an excuse to make JBL and Batista look a little bit bad ass and to further ‘sneaky Jericho’. Funny how it’s plucky Punk and sneaky Jericho for doing much the same thing.
· Don’t JBL and Jericho hate each other? Didn’t they feud for quite some time? Didn’t they have violent matches on PPV? Didn’t they have a confrontation a few weeks ago?
· OK show, but set up for a big one next week. Should be fun.

Raw Thoughts - September 1

· Big reaction for the return of Randy Orton. I’m guessing partially because it’s his hometown, but it certainly isn’t for his theme music. That thing is horrible.
· What’s with the mood lighting? Is Orton now aligned with Kane?
· So was that a mini-spoiler, or something to put us off the scent? Orton confronting CM Punk could mean that Punk retains at least until Randy returns. Or it could be just a throwaway segment to remind us all that Orton exists.
· Cole has said Happy Labour Day three times in the opening fifteen minutes. I don’t even know what Labour Day is.
· JOHN CENA IS HERE!!! Except he isn’t, because it’s Charlie Haas doing a very passable Cena impression. His match with Kofi Kingston is short, and King and Cole laugh uproariously throughout. It’s funny, but not as much as they are making out.
· Good bit backstage with Orton firing up Rhodes and DiBiase – perhaps another tease. Remember the talk about a second/third generation faction with these three men and possibly others?
· So we have ECW superstars on Raw. The five men in the ECW scramble face off in a battle royal, but look at them. Finlay, Matt Hardy, Miz, Henry, Chavo. None of these men would be in the top 10 or so stars on Raw.
· Think about it (in no particular order) – Cena, Batista, Punk, JBL, Kane, Mysterio, Jericho, Michaels, Orton. At least nine way bigger than ECW.
· Six Diva tag action – but a very strange order in which they are introduced. Katie Lea and Jillian during the break, then babyface opponents Mickie and Kelly Squared. Next up was (back to heels) Beth, but the sextet (can’t believe King hasn’t thought of calling them a sextet before) is completed by Candice. I thought it was going to be Gail Kim.
· In seriousness, if Candice can continue her improvement before the first time she got injured, and you add her to Mickie, Katie Lea, Beth, Jillian Melina when fit again and Gail Kim when she debuts, that’s a pretty strong female roster. Kelly is improving, and over on Smackdown you have Nattie Neidhart and Victoria (don’t tell me Michelle is anything but awful, because she is, well, awful)
· The Honk-a-Meter may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Santino is chasing the Honky Donkey Man. Classic.
· Err, Cole, if Randy Orton being on Raw was rumoured all day to appear on Raw, how was it a “huge surprise”?
· A win for the Italian Karl Pilkington is followed by a lying down trumpet celebration. Santino’s going in the Hall of Fame. He has to!
· Interesting Battle Royal for the Raw brand. Rey coming back post-match gave it a jolt and was a treat for his fans. Batista and Punk were booked cleverly, with The Animal dominating but taking a kick couple of hits to be eliminated. It didn’t make him look weak, but it did give Punk a boost by being the one to oust the big man. Kane winning, like Henry winning earlier, makes good common sense. I’d also go so far as to suggest that these two will definitely not win their respective scrambles on Sunday.
· Finally, more awesomeness from Michaels and Jericho to finish. For your homework assignment, go away and find me an example of a better “go home” interview segment. I’ll be impressed if you can produce one.
· Leaves a lot of things up in the air for Sunday. Could be a really good Pay Per View, but if the scrambles don’t work, then proceedings are hinging hugely on Jericho and Michaels coming through.

Raw thoughts – August 25th.

· Very little annoys me more in wrestling than having my intelligence insulted by them throwing out a title match in a PPV then showing the match itself on Raw 8 days later. I know Punk v JBL was not a title match, but still.........
· Is Cole not capable of saying head? He said that CM Punk had “an injured skull”. I didn’t watch Smackdown as often as I watched Raw, and I’m far from a huge lover of Jim Ross, but Cole is dreadful.
· I quite like the idea that Beth helps Santino but he hinders her.
· People will say that the “Charlito” thing was lame........but I liked it!
· Haha, the best line of the night, unwittingly – “You don’t know the meaning of the word ‘Unforgiven’” Shawn Michaels to Chris Jericho. I don’t think it’s a word, that’s why. My spell check doesn’t think it is.
· Another great Jericho and Michaels segment, although I hope that the frequent mentions of ‘Unsanctioned’ and “I don’t want to pin your shoulders to the mat” don’t mean that this is just a mad fight with no real consequence or a stupid JBL/Cena ending. These two could still carry off the extra emotion while still having a wrestling match. That being said, I do like the realism of them fighting rather than the idea of “I hate you and want to kill you – here’s an armbar.”
· By the way, I think that the (paraphrased) “Sit your wife and kids down and tell them that you will never be Shawn Michaels” is one of the best lines I have ever heard in wrestling. Michaels using his injury, the storyline and his Christian beliefs to throw in the bible reference “eye for an eye” is not far behind.
· Not going to complain too much about the match between Duggan/Lawler and Rhodes/DiBiase, but wouldn’t it have been better for the youngsters to dominate, rather than just survive. It wouldn’t have hurt Duggan and Lawler, would it? But King could then get on the headset and put over just how good they are. “You don’t realise until you get in the ring just how quick they are. They are jackasses but they can go.” Does them the world of good. I don’t see why Duggan and Lawler need protecting.
· I cannot help laughing at Santino, and it seemed the announcers were struggling to hold it together this week. After a front suplex he just shouted “I win” and I broke up. Just so funny.
· Really lame ending to the match though. Beth could’ve low-blowed Kofi for Santino to use a small package. Falling onto Santino’s knee (The Marella Patella) was a bit weak.
· Great post-match action though. “You’re not mad?”
· I didn’t like Mike Adamle coming out with no clipboard. If he is going to be stilted and need assistance he could use the clipboard to look at notes. But if he has it all the time they can make fun of him for it, make it a character quirk, like Santino’s unibrow.
· Adding Rey makes sense. If Cena is really injured, which is a real shame, and they are firm on Orton being miles away, then Rey is the only real choice.
· I liked seeing the leg worked in the main event, offering some logic behind Kane. Sort of a twisted genius, I suppose. The match went a little long though, considering we got a DQ finish. I don’t mind the finish, but it was a long investment for that kind of outcome.

Great American Bash - live thoughts

01.00am
Great American Bash, huh? It’s American..........I may well Bash it............we’ll see if it’s great.

01.03am
After the obligatory introductory video, we have the first match – and what do you know, I got it right! Fatal Fourway Tag Match for the Smackdown Tag Team titles – I’m assuming it’s one fall and not elimination match.

Three teams make their way out, and it’s depressing that Finlay and Hornswoggle get quite the reception. JR appears to know his Golf, citing Padraig Harrington’s Open victory this afternoon.

01.07am
Much as I hate the Hornswoggle gimmick, I have to give Dylan Postl credit for giving it his all. His facial expressions are good and he actually is learning in the ring. He just did a neat spot by rolling up his sleeves in readiness to fight Festus, but then did a version of a suicide dive onto Hawkins and Ryder.

01.15am
There’s one I got wrong. Only very standard fare, but the former Major Brothers, briefly Edgeheads and now just plain old Hawkins and Ryder take the gold. Not anything to write home about, but does beg a question about how they will be used in or out of La Familia from here on in.

01.18am
Matt Hardy is out to defend the US Title. I had no idea about this match. It wasn’t in the rundown on WWE.com. Oops – my bad.

JR and Mick talk about a stat whereby no US Title holder has ever lost the belt at the Great American Bash. That’s normally a signal that the stat will be broken. Good luck, Shelton – gold to the Gold Standard?

01.24am
A noticeable split is developing in the audience. A high-pitched majority are chanting “Let’s go Hardy” but an increasingly vocal minority are roaring on Shelton Benjamin. This should be taking into consideration for later on. I would suggest a similar split for Batista and Punk.

01.29am
God bless the predictable stats. Shelton wins in what was a decent encounter. A couple of really nice spots, and if Shelton can step up from this, continue to produce decent-to-great PPV encounters without resorting to jumping up ladders, and then couple this ability with some decent mic work, Shelton could finally have a decent push.

01.33am
Quality promo by CM Punk, building up himself as a humble but confident champion. I don’t understand why they are showing that on the PPV rather than using it on TV to build interest.

01.36am
E-C-Dub time, and a decent reception for Tommy Dreamer, along with Colin Delaney, who presumably is there in a role to find the whitest man possible to counter the two black guys Tommy is facing. I’d forgotten about Tony Atlas, and I want to just point out that my above statement was not a racist comment. Apropos of nothing, Tony Atlas once portrayed Saba Simba. I am not the racist one.

01.43am
Erm, Delaney turns heel?

It’s happening folks, the feud you’ve all wanted and been talking about. Not AJ v Joe again. Not Austin & Hogan. Not even Beth Phoenix and Awesome Kong.

It’s Colin Delaney and Tommy Dreamer. Dreamer was about to jump off the second rope, with Delaney acting cheerleader, but Tommy was pulled into the ropes by Colin, and Mizark polishes Tommy off. There’s your ECW main event next week, folks.

I bet you can’t wait.

02.10am
That was intense. I’m not too thrilled. Would have been nice to let Jericho have a WRESTLING win rather than Michaels just bleedinf profusely – and man did he bleed.

Before he did got the juice, the match was pretty normal by Michaels and Jericho’s standards. i.e. it was freaking awesome. Just fantastic execution of moves, great psychology, working body parts, nicely paced.

I’m not crazy about the ending, but it makes sense from a storyline development perspective, and I assume this will lead to another contest, possibly with a stipulation like Last Man Standing, at Summerslam.

02.17am
Divas time, and look at that outfit Nattie is almost wearing........

02.23am
Short, but surprisingly good. Michelle wins – also a surprise – but the biggest shock was the quality of the encounter. Only being 6 minutes or so may have been a negative cutting it down, but it may have been deliberately condensed to look better.

Submisson-based, it flowed beautifully, made Nattie look a million dollars and elevated Michelle. Whoever put that together deserves a pat on the back.

It does go some way to showing why WWE stays away from doing more ‘wrestling’ matches. This, one of the better women’s matches you will see anywhere, got a sprinkling of ‘boring’ chants. And I’ll bet that when it did there was a bit of panic behind the curtain. “Damn, they’re saying it’s boring. I told you, wrestling doesn’t work.” I bet those people who thought that was boring love it when Hornswoggle gets his squirter out (no, not that)

Anyway, post match out comes Jericho, interrupting the celebration Michelle is having with her chums Eve and Cherry. Jericho cuts a neat heel promo telling fans to keep their ticket stubs, Michaels has had is last match. It’s a to-the-point promo and it’s chilling in it’s message. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to let Jericho go after Punk now, assuming he beats Batista. In fact even if Batista wins, as there is recent history and would make sense.

Have Jericho be cost the title by HBK returning, perhaps, and let HBK and Jericho go wild again. It would build the anticipation of HBK’s absence while letting Jericho’s heel character develop even darker.

02.30am
I’ve realised I’ve left out a little conversation Edge had with the announcers, but I didn’t catch all of it while I was writing. No back editing here. He basically blamed Triple H for the wedding debacle and for ruining his (Edge’s) life.
Title match between Punk and Batista now.
Interesting point or two here as it means this is lower on the card (i.e. less important) than Cena and JBL. Secondly, Punk is billed as a huge underdog by the announcers Cole and Lawler. That doesn’t make sense if Batista is going over. Building the Punk underdog means him winning would mean a lot more.

02.42am
It’s been ok so far. A little formulaic, but remembering that this is Dave Batista, it’s been ok. Batista has dominated for much, but that’s ok. Punk has had flurries. I just hope that if he wins they let him win properly, not by fluke.

02.45amI’m not sure a babyface contest is heloing this. Punk and Batista are both over babyfaces without being super strong. It seems quite a lot of the crowd are either neutral or only slightly on one guy’s side. Both men hitting moves is a getting a nice pop, but there is no heel heat at all. Feels a bit flat.

02.46am
Oh, for crying out loud. I might have known they couldn’t end it properly. We have some sort of DQ ending as Kane arrives to attack Batista and throw him into a ring post. Chokeslam to Punk and it’s called off. Kane has his bag with him.

He screams to the camera the “alive or dead” line before turning and kicking a cameraman (not at all a developmental or local wrestler. No way) and slinking away with the bag.

Punk and Batista get up and as it looks like a handshake is imminent, Batista kicks Punk and gives him a Batistabomb. I can live with that, as you can interpret that as Batista being frustrated and taking it out on the man he feels shouldn’t be champ.

I just can’t believe they absolutely refuse to let Punk win something cleanly against anyone apart from Snitsky. They did let him have a bunch of offense, though, at least.

I think it is Kane’s mask in the bag, for the record.


03.11am
Hmm.

To be fair, if you take out the stupidly over the top elements, it was kinda ok..........no it wasn’t, it was terrible. I really don’t know anyone who wants to see this. Seriously, who would be thinking “Well, since JBL can’t do much now, and Cena has no-one else to work with, I hope they try to kill each other a few times.”

Setting a car on fire was the method of murder of choice this time, with Cena skewering a car with a fork lift, too. Not entirely surprising to see a “battery attached to gonads” spot. Cena cannot go ten minutes without talking about, or gesturing to, a penis.

Another thing, how come there was a camera in the car Cena drove at one point? I’m guessin this was all filmed earlier in the day and gimmicked up then, as this reminds me a lot of the Boiler Room Brawl from Summerslam 96. No commentary then or now, until it spilled into the arena.

Oh, forget it. It’s just ludicrous. I fail to see how anyone in WWE thinks this is a good idea. The trouble is, I think that they will continue the programme, because JBL won, and they won’t end the feud without Cena beating him again.

03.28am
We’ve just started the main event, and I’m pleased to report that as soon as the bell rang Edge charged. A tiny bit of realism (a charging set of punches rather than a lock up by an angry man) after the last half hour of mayhem.

Nice touch in the review of Smackdown, by the way. We hear the “Together” song that only ever gets played in moments of weddings in WWE. Man, wouldn’t it have been cool if they could’ve got hold of that for Jay Lethal and So Cal Val.

03.43am
With both men down, the wedding planner turns up and grabs the belt to pass to Edge. Vickie comes running down to clothesline her. Back problems cleared up then?

Planner (Alicia, says JR) and Vickie get in a scrap in the ring, and Edge ends up spearing Vickie by accident. But he was aiming at Alicia apparently. Don’t understand why. Anyway, he didn’t hold back. Vickie took it hard.

Trip nonchalantly cashes in on this havoc, Pedigree-ing Edge and winning.

03.46am
Well, that’s it. Not the best and not the worst. Some neat storyline stuff went on, it was just a shame that one of the matches wasn’t converted into a really good one with long-term benefits. I’ll allow the Jericho/Michaels because the match before the bleeding was terrific, and the storytelling (before and after) was exceptional.

I could cope with Punk and Batista’s match going the way it did had it not been for HBK/Y2J also not finishing clean. Edge and Triple H was never really going to be a straightforward one, so there was a little too much interferences and lack of clean finishes for me.

Around the card, the opener was sound, I liked the Diva match a lot, and Shelton v Matt was a good outing. Henry v Dreamer was awful as expected, but at least there was a bit of interest coming out of it.

Cena v JBL was the obvious aberration, but apart from that it was sound without being spectacular.

On another plus, with so many storyline elements and advancements, plus the last few week’s efforts, I’m looking forward to Raw. How will Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels’ excellent programme progress? Who is Kane talking about? Who will Punk face next? How will Batista react? Will they drop JBL and Cena?

Should be interesting.