TLC Live Notes

01.03am

Interesting opening gambit - ECW title match and all babyface effort aiming to steal the show.

Still no ECW commentary team it seems - Cole, Lawler and Striker. Makes sense, I guess.

01.29am

Enjoyed that opener, although there were quite a lot of setup spots where you could see one man was getting to where he needed to be.

Interesting to see Christian getting patched up (sort of) for the blood flowing and then the crowd chanting for the blood to increase!

Christian's retention makes sense. He has done almost all he can in ECW now - he is crying out to brought onto another roster - Smackdown I would think.

01.40am

Great moment. Morrison went for Starship Pain and grazed his opponent, and rather than insist it was devastating, Matt Striker called that it only just connected. Then, looking for a pin, Morrison got two before the ref spotted a foot under the ropes. Good continuity and logic.

01.42am

Wow, and thats it - title change. Odd finish to the match, as Morrison took his belt off for apparently no reason - I thought he was going to smack McIntyre with it, but he simply threw it down, distracted the ref, allowing Drew to poke his foe in the eye and then plant him with the double arm DDT.

01.44am

Teaser for Raw's Slammy awards. "What will be the Match of the Year?" Oh, that's a tricky one........

01.45am

Oh, another awesome moment - for us Brit fans anyway. A confident new IC champ Drew McIntrye is interrupted by Sheamus, who says he will also win gold tonight. Two mainstays of the UK scene for years on the up and on the TV - great stuff.

01.47am

Time for more title action, as it's Mickie v Michelle.

01.50am

Side note - I know I hardly hide the fact that I think Striker is great, but what I like about him tonight is that he is being really heelish, defending every heel action, but doing it intelligently. I genuinely would have Grisham and Striker on Raw. I really would.

01.56am

Realistically that's the wrong result (Michelle retained), but I'll give them credit, it was a better match than I'd anticipated. The story was very well told, with Mickie out for revenge and the jock girls belittling their rival. I'd like to have seen Mickie win, and so would the crowd by the sound of it - their sigh when Mickie rolled Michelle up for a near fall was the loudest reaction in a girls match I have heard in ages.

02.01am

Nice Sheamus and Cena video package. Cena's line "You impress me, but not for one second do you intimidate me" was money.

02.06am

Did Striker just say that the last champ born outside the US was Yokozuna? How about Bret? How about Edge? If you include the World Title you've got (whisper it) Benoit and The Great Khali.

02.22am

TLC - The Lucky Charm?

02.23am

Wow - Sheamus is the champ! That's shocking, I have to say, although I did consider it due to the position of the match in the middle of the show.

The downside was that it wasn't the best match. In fact it was quite sluggish and rather the slow. The end in particular seemed to take forever to come, and it didn't make Sheamus look amazing.

Nice post-match touch, as Cena took, it appeared, a shard of the broken table - it has to be Cena v Sheamus next up, which I assume is the Royal Rumble. (I'm actually a little annoyed that Sheamus won't be in the Rumble, unless there is a change of plan before that.)

02.29am

Batista v Undertaker next. DX v Jerishow for the main event, then, I guess.

02.32am

Still a few cheers for Batista. I think they should change his ring music, it's upbeat babyface music. I'd have something slower and more menacing.

02.52am

Hmm. I didn't care for that particular. If you didn't see it, Batista won after hitting Taker with a low blow and a chair shot to the head, before Teddy Long ordered the restart because of the low blow. Taker swiftly hit the tombstone and won.

The thing is, why didn't Long come out and make the McIntyre/Morrison match start again? That had a misdemeanour behind the ref's back - not very fair on Morrison.

The match itself wasn't great. Like the Tables match with Sheamus and Cena, I think the stipulation actually hindered the wrestlers. They have affected the matches negatively.

03.25am

Orton overcomes Kofi, and again I enjoyed that without it being outstanding. There have been a couple of intricately put together matches tonight. The story to that one was really good, with a few moments in it which made you sit back and say wow, namely Orton's dropkick when Kofi was coming from the top rope to the floor.

It puts Orton in a strong position again, and I'd suggest he'd go into the Rumble now, claiming he wants to win it again. Kofi, I'll say again, is going to win Money in the Bank at Wrestlemania.

Bragging Rights live notes

00.04am
Ok, I’ll be generous, you get some comments, but they’ll be snappy, hopefully pithy ones. Not massive reviews – you’ll have to go to www.thesun.co.uk/wrestling tomorrow for that.

00.06am
Oh, terrific, they’ve told us it’s best two out of three in the Raw v Smackdown matches. That means it will be 1-1 after two, with the tag being the rubber match.

00.07am
I'll go for Miz to win this. Makes more sense for Miz to win this with shenanigans, and then the SD girls to tie the series, before the tag is the decider.

00.13am
I bet the boys are happy to be watching the show on a monitor, at an angle, in character.

00.14am
I really like the ring, by the way, with the mixture of blue and red ropes.

00.19am
Hmm, pretty not surprised at the winner, but a little about the method. I'm not unhappy though. Miz needed a win more, and Morrison is flashy enough to get back over some more.

00.21am
Has Finlay ever won a match in WWE without the Shillelagh?

00.22am
I am most amused by the fact that R-Truth sounded more like Dusty than Cody did.

00.23am
"That's the truth.......and the truth hurts" is a better catchphrase that "truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth, which is a mouthful and, well, stolen.

00.25am
Speaking of stolen, Michelle now appear to have nicked AJ's hooded robe as well as his finishing move.

00.26am
About three weeks ago Beth was complaining about being traded to SD, now she is fighting for their pride?

00.33am
Kelly did a great Ricky Morton - right down to the haircut.

00.34am
Springboard suplex into a rolling small package? NICE! Great work Beth and Melina!

00.35am
Smallest of points, shouldn't Harry Smith and TJ Wilson (fuck their screen names) have been front and centre in the SD locker room rather than Jericho, Kane and Hardy there?

00.38am
I enjoyed that backstage pep talk/DX comedy bit. But then I like DX more than most.

00.39am
Maylene and the Sons of Disaster? Never heard of them. You couldn't do better than "Sons of Disaster"? Here's a tip Maylene, if you want a great bandname, don't picked one that sounds like it could go after "Harry Potter and...."

00.41am
A four way match seems perfectly placed to take the belt off of Taker, relieve his burden of being top dog in the yard while injured, and get the belt back on Punk without Taker having his shoulders counted down. I forecast something happening to shift Taker's focus.

00.56am
"These guys are literally throwing bombs." Erm, no they are not, King. They are figuratively throwing bombs.

1.00am
Hmmm, seems odd to me to have Taker win a fourway. I guess they just had nothing to do for Rey and Batista and wanted to put them out there in a PPV match. Also, there was probably motivation for a tease of a falling out between Batista and Rey.

I hope Rey is ok. He was (Literally?) launched by Batista onto Punk, and looked to land back and neck first. Hopefully it was flat enough, and not at a poor angle.

01.02am
As I speak, Rey is on his feet, speaking to Josh. He looks ok.

01.04am
I think that would have been better if Batista had clotheslined Mysterio out of his boots out of nowhere, rather than telegraph it. Now we know why these two are in the match.

01.05am
That was pretty well done. I think Batista's heel turn is long overdue, frankly. He'll shine now.

01.09am
When they were doing that 'Team Raw!' 'Team Smackdown' thing with fans, I'd have loved one little weedy bloke to jump in the middle and, in a high pitched voice, shout 'Team ECW'.

01.15am
Have they once mentioned the video game while hyping this as Smackdown v Raw?

01.32am
I rather liked that ending. It's a bit of a copout, and celebration was a little over the top, but I like Show turning on people that he has had his differences with, and it leads into a presumed DX v Jericho and Show feud.

That then leaves something else to ponder. If this really is the end of Orton v Cena, forget who will win - who will the winner face next? Who else is there to step up?

02.03am
2-2 and nearly twenty minutes in. This has been tremendous thus far. Surpassing my expectations already.

02.07am
Legacy interfere to earn Orton a fall. Kofi arrives with a chair to chase them off, and gets a massive cheer. Huge moment for Kofi.

02.46am
I would change one thing. I'd have had Orton pass out and the ref award a fall to Cena. It simply wasn't logical for Orton to hold out for nearly a minute and then give up with six seconds to spare.

That said, it was a marvellous match. If Match of the Year voting ended here, Undertaker and HBK would still win, but this will be on the shortlist.

Orton was amazing in this match. Utterly brilliant.

Raw Thoughts - pretty quick this week!

· I guess it’s one of pitfalls of reading the wrestling news sites that I basically knew that the opening segment would feature a beatdown on Batista.
· That said, it was well done, and the visual of Batista’s arm snapping back looked effective.
· Good work as usual from Michael Cole (note saracasm) calling the chair shot to the spine before quickly switching to saying “arm”. Idiot.
· Aside, that is, from the usual question marks – why did no referees or officials rush the ring to stop the beating. These segment always used to look more effective when the heels were evading a bunch of refs and agents.
· And is Batista so friendless that no-one – NO-ONE – would come and help him? Didn’t Cena come and help the guy a couple of weeks ago. Just the smallest thing, him arriving late and hearing what happened, would make the world of difference. He’d be a more sympathetic babyface, establish him as Batista’s friend and ally and make WWE look less stupid for not acknowledging anything.
· “The last thing you need is a Jamaican as United States champion” Don’t worry Willy, he’s Ghanaian.
· Kofi will never get over winning three minute matches. This is why no-name jobbers used to be used. It gave the talent a chance to shine and hurt no-one. This simply harms Regal that little bit more, and gives Kofi nothing.
· Right now, the Divas are just there. They (and this is not their fault, for the most part) offer nothing to the TV show. There is absolutely no originality to a storyline, simply “Mickie wants the title, Maryse doesn’t like her.” That isn’t an angle, it’s nothing.
· I really like the Miz/Maryse chemistry.
· Santino walking down the aisle and giving the “oh shucks” arm wave to a fan is funnier than anything SantinA has done for weeks. The guy is walking comedy.
· Oh, but he’s tagging with Festus and Goldust. This really isn’t the wrestling show is it?
· Thinking back, Vickie’s backing of Orton is plain odd. They haven’t completely got on, and since Vince, or Shane, or Steph, is her boss, wouldn’t she want to be fair so as not to piss them off?
· Miz has “Miz 6 Cena 0” on his sleeves, Nice touch. Why did Cena take so long to emerge? Just felt really odd. I felt sure we’d cut backstage to see that Cena had been taken out.
· That went from severely boring to very intriguing. I was lamenting Big Show STILL not letting it drop that Cena is better than him, when his attack was cut short by Miz smashing him with a chair. It lacked clarity and didn’t make too much sense, but I’ll always give them a week to explain it. I like the idea that it was a segment that was interesting to watch and offers something to look forward to.
· I don’t care who she is, but all this Pig talk, she-beast and “looks like Edge’s mother” (she’s five years older) is downright insulting. It’s too far, character or no character.
· That was a muddled segment, with Edge officially admitting he used Vickie and ditching her. His actions were horrible, demeaning and spiteful. But he got cheered, since she is so hated.
· That was a killer John Cena promo. Put his Show feud in perspective and his words for The Miz were nicely pitched. He admitted a small amount of respect but then basically that he hates him. It felt a big deal. Great stuff from Cena. That kind of promo makes it even more annoying when he does his “throw up in the mouth, poopies and peepees” promos.
· Disappointing tag match with Legacy and Colons. Wouldn’t make me want to pay to see a title match, for example.
· Fair enough ending to the show. Had to bring Trips back at this point. Not overjoyed at prospect of seeing Triple H and Orton one on one AGAIN, mind you. Loved hearing the crowd chant “Pedigree” – never heard that before.
· So did Batista miss the count then?
· Good reasons to keep watching. Smackdown has the Punk/Edge/Jeff fallout as well as Jericho/Mysterio awesomeness. Next week’s Raw is a three-hour special (although they often suck) with resolutions of Title and GM situations

Raw Thoughts - May 26

· Wow, who would have thought that a bloke playing Stan Kroenke would be first out on Raw. Oh, right – everybody.
· And who would have thought that Stan Kroenke says “each and every one of you” just like each and every.....I mean all of WWE’s employees do.
· Pleased to see JR on Raw. Let’s see if he laughs uproariously when Santina shows up.
· XBA – that’s actually pretty funny. Good to see Vince poking fun at himself.
· I really don’t know whether Vince is going for a Penis joke or an Anus joke.
· Oh right, there we go. That should have been the cue for Val Venis, really.
· Interesting that Vince didn’t make a reference to L. Brent Bozell III, former leader of the PTC who tried to take advertisement money away from WWE Smackdown – this prompted the frankly tedious Right to Censor.
· Average women’s title match. It was a smart idea to make the focus a bit of a bitchfght rather than a wrestling match, as that doesn’t really suit either girl. Finish was a confusing copout though. If Maryse was DQ-ed, why was the referee counting before he threw the match out?
· So, its a triple threat, fairly important because the winner gets to face the US champion next week. So important, in fact, that said champion, MVP, strolls to the ring to get a better look. JR calls “business has just picked up” every one gets excited.......so its advert time. I know that it is done so that people should be hooked and won’t change channel during the advert, but it is so frustrating. Surely hooks can better than this.
· Having said that, nice feel to the show so far. I liked the opening melee, which felt like old-school Raw that I reference last week, and I’m intrigued to see who the mystery partner will be
· My guess, though, would be Vince
· I liked the triple threat, interesting decision to go with Kofi as MVPs opponent. I look forward to the match, but I don’t know if that will draw many fans.
· Enjoyed the intensity between Randy and Ric, even if it was short. Handled that part of the seg well.
· I don’t understand the inclusion of Kennedy at this point, unless he is turning during the main event. To me, you build the surprise all night. Get Cody to run into Randy in the dressing room and whisper who it is, and have Randy sell his dismay. Then have MVP and King talking, and then someone opens a door. They look off camera, and say “you’re our partner? Cool” then fade out. Then you’ve got a build throughout the show.
· “Marella Original” – got nothing, but good line.
· Are you going to buy Extreme Rules for a Hog Pen match?
· I say a history of Hog Pen match DVD is in order. If only to see them release a DVD almost exclusively featuring Triple H getting shit all over him.
· I like the idea of the Kendrick partner search, as long as he eventually finds one to suit him and they have a good run. The execution thus far, though, has been tedious.
· Not a bad ten-man finale. Went on a bit, frankly, and I’m guessing my English lack of knowledge about basketball meant I missed a lot of references.
· Bit of a nothing ending. No real Kennedy involvement, no Flair run in. Just a bit flat.

Raw Thoughts - May 18

· Judgment day was good, Cole, but it was “at times miraculous”? What?
· So Mickie pins the champ one-on-one, then in a tag match, but isn’t number one contender? Seems a bit harsh.
· Hopefully they’ll take the battle royal outcome to conclusion at Extreme Rules. Fancy seeing Kelly Kelly in a hardcore match?
· Nice to see Santino given a plausible match but still not make Chavo look too stupid. Hopefully they can build this for him
· I like that – Josh inferring to Matt Hardy that Matt did Vickie a favour and helped Edge. Wahey! Logic!
· Excellent – Goldust and Hornswoggle as a duo – hopefully mostly on ECW.
· That’s taken Miz back a couple of weeks. He was doing great as a cutting edge antagonist, but a lame rap does not help his cause in the slightest.
· Big Show and Cena in a submission match is another nice logical progression from Cena struggling to procure the STF at Judgment Day.
· Matt needs a change of music. His “Ohh Ye-eah” start still draws a cheer.
· If I’m going to pick Cole up on every little thing, only fair I do it to JR. Matt’s injury is a metacarpal, not a metatarsal, as Ross said. The first is the hand, the latter the foot.
· Two things I’ll give credit for in that Vickie/Santina segment. The first was that Santino had two little patches picked up from shaving. That’s beyond subtle – good work. The other is that Regal came out unannounced and we don’t know why. I like when unexpected and unknown things happen. They should happen regularly and make you tune in week to week to find out the reason.
· Aren’t WWE having some problems with a venue because of a Basketball fixture clash? Presumably Vince is unhappy, hence the multiple negative references to Denver Nuggets on the show.
· That was a very good main event for lots of reasons
· Firstly, I liked the chaos of it. I hate how much the current Raw product looks like it’s so clinical, but this was an old-fashioned (well, Attitude Era) main event where stuff was happening all over the place. Cena and Show up the ramp, confusion about the legal man, then a Flair run in. I like how the camera didn’t pick it straight up, then Cody fell into the frame. I thought Cena had returned. The commentators also didn’t pick up on it straight away. While that’s silly because they can see the ramp, it was effective.
· The match itself was plenty good enough. Standard heel domination (but then they should, they have one more man) and babyface in peril stuff, done well to keep an otherwise quiet crowd lively.
· Next, the Flair involvement, throughout the show, worked nicely to create a minor conflict between him and Batista and then resolve it. Also, his involvement in the finish means there is a nice plug for his involvement next week.
· I also like the way that essentially Cena abandoned Batista. Dave can argue Cena let him down and Flair had to bail him out. Cena can respond that he helped him out earlier on when Batista and Flair were getting their ass kicked. Both men would be right. Doing this would be perfect because there could be a slow build for when they wrestle again – the first time was simply too rushed.
· Overall, below average show until the end. Really good main event and top ending.

Judgment Day Preview

Two scenarios:

- The WWE take a look at their last five years off PPV, as well as TNA’s offerings, and decide to see how it would go if they strip down a PPV and simply book a series of matches pitting one man against another with the bare minimum of stipulations.

- The WWE busk it after Wrestlemania, don’t really think very ahead past Backlash at the latest and simply pick fourteen blokes and put them against one another.

To be honest, I think the Judgment Day PPV build up may fall somewhere between the two above scenarios. You may well have your own opinion as to how things came about.

What is remarkable is that the card for tonight does, as pointed out, feature, at this moment, seven singles contests.

With my wrestling viewer’s head on, I like it. I’m very excited, genuinely, by two of the matches, and am also very curious about two more.(I’ll explain more as we go)

However, with my Marketing head on (I worked in Marketing for three years) I’d suggest to you that all things which people buy need to have a USP – a Unique Selling Point. I don’t see what the USP is to most people.

Purists will have you believe that all this storyline stuff is nonsense and what you need to do is simply book wrestling. A balance is needed, though, and an audience which is programmed to understand the traditional WWE booking, I think, is unlikely to invest heavily in a PPV product which has no major reason to buy it.

Look at it this way – is there a unique match to build to? Is there a major match format – Hell in a Cell, for example – involved? Is there a theme (Survivor Series, Royal Rumble)? Must you see a resolution to a feud?

I don’t think you answer any of those questions in the affirmative. I don’t think Randy Orton v Batista is gripping enough to persuade people to shell out loads of money.

I’d like to clarify that I will be buying the PPV tonight and I think that it will be a great show. From a business perspective I’m not sure it’ll work. I hope I’m wrong.

John Morrison v Shelton Benjamin
Hmm. Interesting one. What do we do with Shelton, he’s been around for ages? What shall we do with John Morrison, now that he is on his own? May as well throw them together.

Fine by me. I get the feeling these two could really have some fun and bring the best of each other. I will enjoy sitting back and watching the match, and hope that each man will try to top the other. My concern, as illustrated before, is that really will anyone care? No titles are on the line and there isn’t really a heated rivalry.

I would think the logical thing is for Morrison to win. He is the up-and-comer really, and especially after a face turn should be the one getting a leg up from this win.

Prediction: John Morrison


CM Punk v Umaga
I’ve liked the build to this. Punk waiting to use the briefcase, looking strong against Edge, is really good for his push and character, but here comes Umaga to ruin it for him. Simple – evil heel screws gallant babyface.

One problem – this has to harm one man. The right booking is that Punk slays Umaga and carries on going after the champ. This puts Umaga’s status as unstoppable madman on hold. If Umaga wins he can look strong and imperious, but it dents Punk’s status as deserving of a world title and isn’t the right end to a story.

Prediction – Despite me not liking it, I think they’ll book a Punk wins by DQ finish. This keeps Umaga over as a beats without jobbing out Punk


Jack Swagger v Christian
These two......I was going to say surprised everybody with their great match last time, but that’s not fair. I was surprised with how good it was, but then I was one of the few people on earth to not like Swagger’s match with Cena, which I viewed as dull but most (and many better positioned to comment than I) found it exciting.

Now, the bar is raised. They have already had one good match in Christian prevailed – where do they go now? To me logical booking is that Christian wins, once again winning due to his brain. The explanation, if commentators are on the ball, is then that Swagger and Christian are really evenly matched, it’s just that Captain Charisma has the edge in terms of experience. When booked and explained in this way, Swagger does not look weak, because it is not his fault that he lost – he can’t help being inexperienced.

To me, Swagger can look at four examples of people coming into a company and getting majorly pushed from the off. Bobby Lashley and Brock Lesnar got fed up. Goldberg fizzled out. Randy Orton is World Champion who has had some ups and downs.

That’s one out of four. And even then Randy has had a rocky time. He is only now TRULY looking the part. Swagger does not need to be (real) World Champion just yet. In fact he does not even need to be Intercontinental champion yet. Don’t push him to loads of titles. Let him wrestle Christian and learn. Let him face Regal and Finlay and others who can put him over and help him progress.

Prediction – I do think they’ll let Christian retain. Part of me thinks that Swagger might get one back, leading to a rubber match down the line, so don’t discount that. I’m sticking with the former Mr Cage, though.



John Cena v Big Show
Sometimes, in the job I do, you have to sit back and accept that something is being booked for a reason. I have no real interest in Big Show (whom I’ve always thought comes across as a good guy, a great entertainer, but a poor wrestler) wrestling Cena (very similar description, but rate him higher as a worker) I’m afraid.

I liked the spot that led to this match, but I’ve not been crazy about the story of Cena being basically a zombie for several weeks. I think Show might actually win this, with the explanation being that Cena is not 100%, and then they can do a rematch when Cena turns the tables.

I’d factor in Miz too. I probably wouldn’t have him cost Cena the match, but do a sneaky little attack before the match, or preferably some sort of attack afterwards.

Prediction – I’m going with Show, although chances are that’s me jumping the gun and they’ll simply have Cena win. I’m not crazy about seeing a major Big Show push, but I don’t like the idea that he was put clean over Undertaker (again) for no reason.


Rey Mysterio v Chris Jericho (IC Title)
I am really looking forward to this. This was one of the two matches I told you that I am really excited about (the other is Edge and Hardy) and I should think should be the highlight of the night.

The main source of intrigue for me is how realistic they can make it. I enjoy watching Rey Mysterio to a point, but the main thing that stops me being crazy about him is that so much of his stuff needs such a massive leap of faith to believe.

Jericho, meanwhile, is the opposite. He talks such sense, is such a believable character, and constructs such a fantastic aura around everything he does. I hope he can weave his magic, and do what I believe only two men – Edge and Kurt Angle, since you ask - have done before and have a stand up classic match with Rey Mysterio.

Shit, I have to pick a winner don’t I?

Prediction – I’m struggling, but I’m going to cop out and go with a BS DQ finish, with Jericho getting fed up of Rey kicking out and hitting him with a belt or something. Jericho can later talk his way out of it by saying the IC title is beneath him and that he really cares about the World belt.

Edge v Jeff Hardy – World Title
So, do you milk Jeff Hardy for all he worth before his (allegedly) inevitable exit? Do you give him the title and hope it persuades him to stay? Or do you use him to put a few people over and send him on his way?

I suppose a few of these don’t necessarily become mutually exclusive, but I figure that they won’t go mad with him if he is leaving – and this is IF he is leaving.

I’d take Edge to win. I think this needs to be a sedentary PPV as far as titles go. There have been a few too many changes of late, although I do believe that belts must change hands with a reasonable regularity these days. I’m more intrigued about how things will go now that Edge and Vickie are on separate shows despite not having a real break up on screen.

Prediction – A cracker if they are allowed to click, but an Edge victory ultimately.


Randy Orton v Batista (WWE title)
So who is turning? All signs point to another slow build with Batista and Triple H, with the presumed reason being Triple H being pissed off at Batista costing him the title. But wouldn’t that mean Trips goes heel? That would be logical.

Nah, I don’t see it. I don’t want to see Batista v Triple H with the Game as heel again. Make it fresh, and make Batista the nasty heel with the chip on his shoulder.

If, and it seems likely, Triple H and Batista pair off, then it makes no sense to have this for a title if the rivalry is so strong. Therefore, Orton needs to retain. You could even let MVP have a one-time shot at the next PPV before thrusting Cena forward again.

Prediction – It has to be Orton to retain. Whether with help by his cohorts or Batista losing his rag, the master of the RKO needs to keep the belt.

Enjoy the PPV – live Blog with me during the show will be up as per usual.

Raw Thoughts - May 6

· Usually a good sign when the advertised main event goes on first. Generally means that something bigger is planned for the end of the show.
· My God how long was that Orton entrance. It seemed to go on for ever.
· Great start to the match. That’s what Orton and Hunter should have done at Mania
· MVP saves before Batista? Interesting. I didn’t care for Cole saying that ‘the numbers game’ bested MVP marginally before it really did.
· I like the ‘win and you’re in’ stip. I always think things work better when matches have a purpose. Obviously the premise should be that the winner wins more money, but we all know that is forgotten, so having matches which actually you can have an emotional investment in are alright by me.
· Good news for MVP, by the way. He is new on Raw, and is being used as a top guy right away
· Oh dear – did King read from the script and not listen to Matt Hardy? That’s twice within the opening minutes that the commentary duo have jumped the gun. Why can’t they just react to the action? Very poor, either on their part or those who are controlling them – or both.
· I’m glad to see Kofi win again, I’m a big fan – and the finisher looked awesome – but I’m not sure Matt needed to be beaten. Nice recover of heat, though.
· Do you think William Regal might make a decent commentator? Do you think that was why he was out there, as a bit of practise?
· Why, when they are backstage watching a monitor, do wrestlers always watch at a 45 degree angle?
· I’ve just worked out who Jillian sounds like – not her singing, but when she talks – she’s the gingerbread man out of Shrek.
· Right, I hated that Festus segment. I truly think that Jillian is a terrific character, and does a great job, but that presumably was supposed to be a comedy segment and was just cringe worthy. I liked Miz’s intervention though. His character is also excellent, he draws real heat. If he can improve his wrestling just a little bit, he’ll be a very good hand. I see a US title in his near future.
· I spy a new catchphrase – MIZ: “Really?”
· So Cena won’t be ready until Judgment Day, then Show beats the shit out of him. So that would suggest to me that we add another couple of weeks to that comeback date
· Man that was a boring segment. I don’t care how many people say what a talented big guy Show is, or how many people (and there have been many) tell me what a nice guy Paul Wight is. He is torture to watch.
· Oh terrific, so Batista loses – and it’s 3-on-1. SuperShane again?
· Wrestling fans explained – “JOHN CENA’S NUMBER ONE FAN” sign held up. Upside down.
· Ugh – more SuperShane stuff and it’s just so ridiculous. It would be bad enough if Cena or Triple H was looking like a hero against three guys (including the WWE Champion)but when it’s Shane it just devalues Legacy.

Raw Thoughts: 27th April

· When the lights were off and Lillian announced a new GM I paused the TV. I racked by brains to think who it could be. Then when I drew a blank I played on and it was just an announcement for Vickie. Oh well
· Nice little match with Kofi and Kendrick. Don’t really understand the logic of being TBK that quickly, though. Also, he doesn’t quick feel complete without big Zeke.
· Oh the pain. The Santina thing is completely played out. Throw in Hornswoggle and other antics. No thank you.
· Oh, and how would Hornswoggle have a birds eye view when looking up Santina’s skirt. Surely a bird’s eye view would be from high above something, not beneath it?
· Here is your winner, Cowboy Ace Matt Hardy
· Well, I don’t want to see Shane O Mac v Orton again and have Shane all over my TV, but it makes sense, storyline wise, for him to attack like that
· For the record, that should stand MVP in good stead to have him look competitive with Orton, but I didn’t enjoy the match. I though it was very staccato and slow.
· This is a hell of a gamble, you know. Main eventing with Batista and Big Show, and telling – outright TELLING – the audience that Triple H and John Cena will not be seen for a long time. Well, add that to the fact Shawn Michaels might be off for a bit, that’s a big hole in the top group of babyfaces.
· I actually quite liked that segment with Miz. I can see where it can lead. He can do what Santino with Austin to an extent. Belittle and have a go at Cena week after week. It promotes Miz in some people’s eye without him doing much, it keep Cena’s name in the limelight and it gives Cena a nice easy target for when he returns.
· Why exactly would they show us the same video of Orton and the McMahons twice in one night? And what are “recent current events”, Vickie?
· “I have never seen the Big Show this angry” says King. No, look at him. He is so angry with Cena that he is.......standing in the ring growling. Thank goodness that Cena, a man who can barely walk is as far away as, ooh, at least ten yards. Big Show could never catch him
· Poor Raw, for me. Terrible, boring main event with a BS finish and a predictable ending in the sense that Batista was always going over and Cena v Big Show seemed set. Very little happened on the show, and apart from a fun little tag match with the Colons v Chavo and Noble it was really quite dull.

Wrestlemania 25 Preview and predictions

A quick note before you read - I've written this over about three days, so some was written before I saw Raw and before I heard about certain things, including Tazz's release. I'm just too busy/lazy to go back and edit!

Enjoy, Rob

----

Right, now this is me doing predictions for an event more than about five hours before the show. Don’t get used to it. I just thought that since I’m going to be in Houston (have I mentioned that? I have? Oh, ok...) for Wrestlemania and can’t do the live blog I would give you a few days heads up on my predictions. It’s the least I can do.

Let’s get straight into it.......

Intercontinental Championship – JBL (c) v Rey Mysterio
This is a late addition filler match to the show, and I’ve opened with it for that reason, and because I feel WWE may do similar and have JBL, like last year, start us off.

I can only envision a straightforward three-star type of match here. I don’t see these two clicking in a major way, and there is no storyline animosity to build to it, just JBL quickly winning the IC strap from Punk and then Rey making the challenge.

The buzz surrounding the match, if any, is the promise of something historic. Apart from what I’m going to guess at in a second, the only thing I can think of is that perhaps JBL might the only man to take part in matches for the WWE, US, Tag Team and Intercontinental titles at Mania, but I couldn’t be certain.

I think, especially if this goes on first, that it’s got a babyface win written all over it. Mysterio to walk away from Mania as the new champ makes sense, and an opening match being taken by the fan favourite sets a good tone.

So, how about the historic JBL moment? I’m saying that Rey wins, JBL throws a fit, gets angry, gets the microphone and starts to talk. He says that he promised everyone something historic, and he hoped he was going to be being the first person to defend the IC title successfully at Wrestlemania since Chris Jericho did it in Houston eight years previously.

Instead, since he lost, he will do something historic and be the first person to quit live on air at Wrestlemania. Mic down, outta here. Gone.

There have been rumours that JBL is suffering from injuries again, and of course he doesn’t need to wrestle with the money he has from outside ventures. I’m taking that to be the historic announcement.

Prediction: Rey Mysterio to win, JBL to retire post-match



25 Diva Battle Royal
I think we may see a mixture of a fun event and some horrible action combined in this one. The fact that even the least qualified divas plus some girls from the past who may well be out of ring shape are in this are in this is not conducive to exciting wrestling.

As for those that will be making a cameo appearance, Sunny is pretty much confimed, at least according to herself, but there have been many others who have turned it down, it seems. You’d think that Trish would be a likely entrant, but I’m worried that entering a 25-diva match waters down the prospect of her reappearing again in the future.

Torrie, Jackie Gayda-Haas and Victoria seem likely returnees. Obviously it would be cool to see Stacy Keibler, but I can’t see it.

As for who will be crowned Miss Wrestlemania, I’m sensing that this can be used like King of the Ring or the Slammies as a tool for hyping someone up. Because of that it ought to go to a heel diva, and having a champion win makes little sense. I can only see it being Beth, to be honest. Imagine the fun we could have with a Santino acceptance speech and ongoing bragging about how his Glamazon is Miss Wrestlemania. Plus it builds her up nicely as a challenger for a future title shot.


Prediction: Beth Phoenix to win – and Santino to milk it


Tag Team Championship Unification – Mizorrison v The Colons, Lumberjack Match.

Firstly, a sensible decision. We don’t need two sets of tag titles. (We don’t need so many titles full stop, but that’s a subject for another day. In fact, you can read about it in a future edition of Fighting Spirit Magazine. Cheap Pop.)

I’m not so crazy about the feud, as I think it ran it’s course a few weeks ago and they’ve gone a little too far with it now. However, I like the concept of this match being at Wrestlemania, as it features a set of guys who I think will be extra keen to put on a great show. This is also a contender for opening match.

I’m not sure a lumberjack match makes complete sense, but it’s probably using the theory that they try to get as many guys as possible involved in Wrestlemania, and since the girls are having a battle royal I assume that’s why they aren’t doing that in the pre-show like last year.

Until I started writing this I’d have said Mizorrison to win and cement themselves as the top duo in the company, but the more I think about it, the more I think it makes sense to draft them separately and let them try to sink or swim as singles guys. I don’t see what else they can achieve as a team.

Prediction: Primo and Carlito


Jeff Hardy v Matt Hardy (Extreme Rules)
To me the strangest thing about this contest is that it’s extreme rules. That implies that it’s a blow-off match, and while you want that kind of thing at Mania, you would also think that Jeff and Matt would be pencilled in for at least two goes on PPV.

This might still be the first match of a more-than-one series, and if it is my instinct is to pick Matt Hardy. It makes sense for the ‘evil’ heel brother to get the best of his more successful, babyface sibling, before the latter exacts revenge. Perhaps, though, one of them is due for a Raw switch in the draft and they are being separated.

This is another contest, like the last, which you can line up as a match in its own right and say that its participants will go like crazy to put on a great show. Matt and Jeff must have been dreaming of wrestling each other at Wrestlemania all their lives, and will likely be desperate to make sure they can live up the hype which may have been on TV for two months, but has probably been in their minds for 25 years.

I really hope it’s a good match. I think Matt deserves it for years of hard and sometimes unappreciated work, and Jeff needs a standout contest to get him back into the title picture where he deserves to be.

Prediction: Tentatively Matt, because I think that this may be stretched to more than just this match.


Chris Jericho v Rick Steamboat, Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka
First thing to do is to state that I am not nearly as critical about this match as many seem to be. No, I don’t think it’s the most exciting match I’ve ever seen, or that is even on this card. However, I do not put the blame at the WWE’s door as many do.

Be fair to them, they tried four other situations before they got to this one, I’m sure of it. Some of the segments on TV featuring Chris Jericho have been special. Real, high-quality TV which the men involved should be proud of, and the audience should be grateful for. I think that they wanted Chris Jericho v Mickey Rourke, and the star of The Wrestler got cold feet. They wanted Flair to step in for one night, and he (rightly) opted to keep his retired status.

The other two scenarios are more speculative, but I believe them to be true. I think that they would have asked Steve Austin, the headliner of the Hall of Fame 2009 induction group, to lace the boots one last time, in Texas, but he turned it down. They probably even had tentative talks with that Stark Raving Hulkster himself, dude, but he they couldn’t sort it out, brother.

This isn’t the worst thing in the world. It’s not going to be that amazing a match because Snuka and Piper at least are long past it, and although we know less about Steamboat’s physical condition it can’t be that terrific. Look for this one to be given about 25 minutes and for there to be about 7 minutes “wrestling”. I’d expect huge deals to be made out of the entrances of Snuka, Piper and Steamboat. Oh, and Flair.

The following message goes for the whole of Wrestlemania, but especially this match. You are a wrestling fan. I know that because you are reading this text. Because you are a wrestling fan, remember that you watch WWE to be entertained. So at Wrestlemania, please try to sit back and relax, and enjoy it as a fan. Don’t worry about the booking; don’t worry about where they go from there. On the night itself, just revel in the entertainment.

I think this will be a lot of fun. Yes it’s not where it could have gone, and yes it’s a bit of a waste of Chris Jericho, one of the best wrestlers in the company. But it’s still likely to be a nice piece of nostalgia mixed with some modern-day feelgood action.

We now know that this will be a gauntlet-type match, so one would assume that Jericho would be beat Piper and Snuka, and somehow they contrive that Steamboat gets the final victory for the legends.

Prediction: I think the Legends will win, eventually, somehow, with Jericho drawing heat from nefarious tactics and then bitching about it being three-on-one (or four with Flair, or five with Rourke) to keep himself as a strong heel.

And another thing: There is a draft coming, and I’d like to point out that Chris Jericho has had very little interaction with the Undertaker over the years. That might be fun.


Money in the Bank Ladder match

Bring me the McNichol Eliminator, as seen in the film 12 Rounds. (Well it isn’t really, but no-one has seen it, have they? They’ll never know.)

Mark Henry
Surely not. A surprising entry to this match anyway, if Mark Henry claims the briefcase then this match concept will effectively be over.

Finlay
A sensible addition to the match, since Finlay is an experienced and strong hand. I suspect he will assist in the organisation of the bout and will be a reliable cog in making sure it is an exciting showpiece. However, he can’t win. It may no sense to give a title shot to man in his fifties who is in his ideal spot, helping future stars. A Finlay title reign is not in the offing.

Kane
He’s been the dominant figure on TV in the run up to this match, but surely as a concession to the fact that he won’t win it. A bit similar to Finlay, it doesn’t seem appropriate to give a man (or at least a character) who has spent 12 years near the top of the card. Surely MITB is designed to give someone a leg up, and you can cite Edge, Kennedy and Punk as examples. Kane winning will be a huge error, and the McNichol Eliminator concurs.

Shelton Benjamin
Seems doomed to stay in this one spot. Has always been a standout figure in this match, but the winner of MITB has to be someone ready to step up and hit the main event. Shelton has always suffered from a lack of having the big match feel and having the necessary vocal skills. I love to watch Shelton, and I’m sure he’ll pull off some of the moves of the match – but he won’t win.

MVP
You may be surprised to see this name eliminated so early, but I really don’t think MVP wins this. I don’t see the logic of giving him the United States title before setting him as a number one contender. The second black mark against him is the fact that I don’t believe his face turn has really come off as expected. If you look at this match composition I would say that MVP is the least over babyface in it. I’ve eliminated all heels already, so I’m obviously picking a babyface, crowd-pleasing win. If this is what is intended, I don’t see MVP being the man. I believe he has what it takes, but not as a babyface.

CM Punk
He is only this low because he won last year. For quite a while I had him down as the likely winner, as it wouldn’t be too outlandish for WWE to have him win twice in a row. I’m still not ruling it out, but at this point I’m looking at likely winners, rather than dismissing people. I believe that two people hold larger claims than Punk, so he is at #3, but to me he is one of three people who can win it.

Christian
This was a real toss-up, and I’m going against my own instinct here. Christian is by far and away the contender who has the best set up of overness, character, promo ability and wrestling quality to step up to dine at the top table. I said a long while ago that I thought Christian would come back and get involved with the Matt/Jeff Hardy situation and drag Edge in, but if he didn’t, then I thought he would win Money in the Bank. This was before he re-debuted. So the fact that I am now betting against him may seem odd. I just look at his position in WWE and feel that if the rumours of Vince not being behind him are true (which I have every reason to believe they are) then I don’t see him getting the necessary push to be a World Champion in WWE, which has happened for all who have cashed in the briefcase thus far.

Kofi Kingston
Weren’t expecting this one, were you? In fact, I wasn’t completely expecting it myself. It’s based on three things. One is that he is WWE made. WWE will love the fact that they have discovered and produced this guy and built him up. The second reason, following on from a point I made about MVP, is that with the possible exception of Punk, Kofi may be the most over babyface in this match. And finally, Kofi was put over Kane to get into the Elimination Chamber, a sign of intent, and had a superb pair of matches with Chris Jericho and Edge in one week of TV. I believe that was a trial to see how he would get on with the big boys, and he came through.

Admittedly, Kofi does not have the promo ability, one of the reasons I dismissed Shelton Benjamin. However, the marks against Punk and Christian to me are bigger than this knock on Kofi.

Prediction: Kofi Kingston – because the Eliminator said so.


Shawn Michaels v Undertaker

So who really is Mr Wrestlemania? Well, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that the build-up to this match has been spine-tingling at times, and I cannot wait to be sat inside Reliant Stadium and hear the BONG signalling Undertaker’s entrance. Perhaps it is raising expectations too highly, but I anticipate a classic here. Michaels never disappoints in this kind of contest, and I expect him to play heel to some extent here. Undertaker matches are not at faultless as HBK’s but when he has a smaller, able opponent (think Edge) it’s normally the signal for one hell of a match.

Taker will win, but that, for once, is not the important thing. It’s going to be about soaking up the atmosphere, celebrating these two modern day wrestling icons who may well be the best in the world at what they do.

As for putting this on last, I don’t think they will, and I don’t think they should. Not only has Undertaker closed the show with a victory for the last two years, but it would effectively be tantamount to admitting that their builds to the title matches have been less than perfect.

Prediction – Undertaker, of course, because HBK does not need to end to the streak, and the streak needs to be kept as a hook for future Wrestlemanias. The overriding prediction is for a spectacle to blow your mind.


World Title Match – Edge v Big Show v John Cena

And apparently, Vickie Guerrero is (kayfabe) pregnant. Oh my. Didn’t she get speared a week or two ago? That’s a tough baby.

I’m not crazy about this feud or match, but the big hook for me is that I don’t know where it is going. All competitors have legitimate claims to win, really.

Cena winning is another one of his overcoming the odds stories, and there is a possibility that Orton will win, so they may want to have one babyface title win.

Big Show winning would mean a ‘Vickie turns on Edge’ story, which makes more sense than her staying with Edge, really. For her to stay with her husband they can only really go with the explanation that she changed her mind about Big Show, because if they say it was a plan all along, then why would she introduce Show to the equation?

Edge is a strong champion, and I’d be more than happy if he prevails. Maybe a better storyline would be Edge somehow winning out and actually turning Vickie down, sending her packing. The problem with that is that Edge would then end up being babyface, and I don’t see that working, really.

I’m going to have to take Cena to win, since it’s the percentage bet and it covers me just in case Orton wins.

Prediction – John Cena, because if you predict him all the time, more often than not you get it right.

And another thing......As a saver bet, what about Edge winning the match after copious Vickie interference, ref bumps etc., in the last match of the night. Then, down to the ring runs Christian, having won Money in the Bank, and pins Edge to win the World Title. We go off air with a major celebration, a babyface win and a shock ending. Then, back on regular TV, you can have either Edge chasing his ‘brother’ for the belt, or Vickie siding with Edge and maybe even Christian being her baby’s father. Reveal could be that Vickie didn’t care who won the title match, but built it up so that whoever won would be exhausted, leaving the door open for Christian.

It’ll probably never happen, but it’s a fun concept isn’t it?


WWE Title – Triple H v Randy Orton

To me this is the main event, and should be on last. Yes they have wrestled lots of times, and yes the build up at times has been less than stellar. However, let’s look at the positives, of which there are two major ones.

The first is that although yes these two have wrestled loads of times, their matches are normally very exciting. The prospect of the main event title match being a really solid wrestling match is very appealing. Secondly, the last two weeks of TV involving these two, and those peripherally involved, has been tremendous in my opinion. I thought that Orton’s destruction of Triple H and attack on Stephanie was chilling, and the Triple H revenge mission alongside his brother-in-law and father-in-law worked perfectly. The response it got from the live crowd was huge.

This really could go either way, and logic would probably dictate that Triple H would go over. He hasn’t won many matches at Wrestlemania over the years, and none at all as a babyface. Maybe he is due this one. It certain would be the fitting payoff after the treatment he has received.

I would love Orton to win. I think his egotistic, arrogant heel is a tremendous portrayal, and a win over Triple H would simply increase this position. I’m not feeling it, though. Some have suggested that one of the McMahon’s will defect and help out the Legacy group. Makes no sense to me. I could see it if they hadn’t all been physically attacked, but they have all been given some rough treatment by Orton, and this simply doesn’t make sense. I know WWE often do stuff that makes no sense, but I can’t see them going that far.

Here’s how I see things panning out over a couple of months. Triple H wins and retains. However, he may well get a certain amount of assistance at some point, however small, which will make Orton demand a rematch. He’ll wreak some sort of havoc to get it, and the booking will be thus. Vince, Shane and Trips v Randy, Cody and Ted. If Triple H’s team wins, he retains. If Orton’s team wins, Randy is World Champion.

Orton’s team win this, with Randy pinning Vince. Triple H will then blame Vince, who booked the match and lost the fall, and we spark an “I never liked you anyway, you’re not good enough for my daughter” row between Triple H and Vince, and all focus is back on the McMahons.

Prediction – Triple H at Wrestlemania, and then McMahonomania will run wild once more.

There you have it. I hope you enjoy Wrestlemania. Once again, I urge you to just sit back and enjoy. It’s what I intend to do, although I reserve the right to start questioning stuff when I return to England!

Ok, I have to go and pack. I can’t guarantee any correspondence from Houston, but enjoy the show, I know I will.

Take care,
RMc

Raw Thoughts - March 23rd

· Should I point out the irony in Chris Jericho talking about this being real and not a movie as he walked round a corner to the second, pre-prepared camera waiting to track his every move? Great promo, though. I love Jericho’s tone when he does those promos, so calculated. It’s more menacing in a voice almost a whisper than it would be as a shout.
· The Jericho build to the legends match at Mania doesn’t quite resonate as it should. I think it’s because it’s a three-on-one contest and the heel is the one with odds stacked against him. Also, the brutal beating of Flair doesn’t quite feel like the setup to a big revenge hit because Flair isn’t wrestling.
· A vicious and bloody start to Raw. A ‘crimson mask’ from the Nature Boy, and an extreme rules match with plenty of chair shots and violence. Not helping the PG rating, there, Vince.
· Did I hear Ric Flair shout during the Money in the Bank tag match?
· And even more roughhousing, as Finlay (heel for a night but still with the diddly-dee music) smashes up some of his Mania opponents with a ladder. Quite a fun tag match, with an ending which the crowd really popped for.
· They’ve got there too early with Edge, Show and Vickie. There is nowhere to go with it now, and they’ve still got three more shows to fill. I felt this week’s was superfluous really, with little happening other than Show getting to leave Raw with the upper hand after Edge did last week.
· Rey and Regal was way too short. I see what it was leading to with JBL on commentary helping it out, but the match, between two guys who can do much better, was a non-event.
· Plenty will say it was ridiculous, but I thought the Santino/Mickie thing was hilarious. “I’m like a snake” They better find a way of getting him some mic time at Wrestlemania.
· I really liked the Shawn vignette. I love stuff like that, makes it have a really special feel. I like the fact that Michaels is getting the psychological upper hand over the usually-in-charge Undertaker. This is the match I’m looking forward to at Mania.
· Many will disagree with me, and suggest that it was bad taste, but I thought the final segment was tremendous. The characterisation was perfect. Orton is once again a vicious, despicable heel and Triple H actually showed some vulnerability. I loved the tension of Orton kissing Steph, and being just far enough away from Triple H that Hunter could just about touch him, but do nothing about it. There is enough tension now for people to pay money to see Triple H destroy Randy Orton.

Raw Thoughts - 16th March

aw T· It was great watching that Edge/Show/Vickie/Cena segment again to kick off Raw. Show’s face and the slap on the ass are just hilarious. I think I like that idea more now than I did last week.
· Michaels and Undertaker as a team to start off Raw, Cena v Edge with Vickie as ref, presumably to close. Wow, that’s a heck of a line up.
· Phenomenal work from Undertaker and Shawn Michaels.
· I loved the use of conventions and then the subversion of them, taking UT’s reach back in preparation for a Goozle as a precursor for a tag, and then his look back to the ring to set up for a Superkick.
· It’s a very nice build from these two. It’s really feeling like something special. The subtle looks between the two were quality, and I loved the attempted stomp by Taker after Michaels got the pin. Fantastic opening segment.
· Nice Edge and Vickie backstage seg, and a good old-fashioned set up for a stacking of the odds against the babyface in the main event of the show.
· At least they explained the Triple H and Orton situation to sufficient lengths that we aren’t all wondering why he isn’t locked up. It’s not the most watertight of explanations, but it’ll do. I can see a “No DQ” clause, or something similar, being added for the Mania match. I just hope that, after all this aggression by each man towards the other, they don’t end up doing a face off then locking up at the start of the match, as opposed to launching into one another and scrapping straight away.
· Nice stuff with Santino and Rosa, did you see it? Beth handed Santino the slammy, and he acted deferential, but then surreptitiously handed it to Rosa. That’s obviously the Glamourella hierarchy.
· Ah, a cage. That’ll likely be the extra stip for Mania, then. Not that I want to see that.
· Ridiculously call, though, by Cole. “Orton and DiBiase have no way in.” Can’t they climb over?
· Okay, they have to stop doing stuff to contradict me after I’ve typed it! Now they are trying to climb, but Trips is stopping them. I quite like that.
· I enjoyed that whole segment, once it got going. Nice setup to show Trips as smarter, not tougher, than Legacy. That works nicely. I’d assume DiBiase will be picked off in due course, leaving just the participants in the title match.
· I’m not crazy about the idea of JBL v Rey just for the hell of it. Rey is best to watch when putting on great, high-flying encounters with guys like Edge who can move and keep up. He has spent the last six months with Kane, Mike Knox, and now he may have to wrestle JBL. Poor Rey.
· Jericho – the Narcissist????? Is the legend he faces going to be Luger? J
· I think I’d have had Flair come out in the robe and then take off to reveal a suit. Just to play the moment.
· So it’s going to be, what? Steamboat, Piper and Snuka in a Handicap match? I’m not sure I really care for that. I think the WWE have been a bit unlucky, because they’ve set up for Jericho and Rourke, then Jericho and Hogan, and then Jericho and Flair. All have fallen through, and they are going to gamble on a payoff to hot feud with a not-so-hot match.
· Throwaway tag match building for the Money in the Bank match, but nice work on commentary by the whole team, talking up the hopes of the individuals involved. I would doubt that Kane, Henry or Finlay would win, but Christian, Punk, MVP, Kofi and Shelton are all possible. I may have to upgrade the McNichol Eliminator to be able to cope with the decision come Wrestlemania.
· Another nice piece of extra storytelling, having Stephanie be the explanation for why Triple H was able to call for the cage to be lowered........but if she was there and fit, why isn’t she GM
· A bit of a soft ending, really. A non-match with a little action after the bell, but token gestures really. To be fair, both this and the other title match are ready to be taken to Pay Per View, really. Because of the nature of PPVs coming thick and fast these days, build-ups are generally quicker, and actually they are probably ready to go right now. The next couple of weeks will be quite a challenge to create interesting TV, with little left to achieve.

Retro Mania - Five

It’s the same intro as last year, and the same arena last year, for Wrestlemania V. This year Vince yells at us that The Mega Powers will explode, and then it’s Gorilla. It’ll be him and Jesse again this year.

Rockin’ Robin, women’s champion sings a version of America the Beautiful, and it’s mercifully short. Let’s just be kind and say that Aretha Frankling or Gladys Knight she ain’t!

King music, and it’s not Harley Race, and not Jerry Lawler, but King Haku. Bobby Heenan wants you to bow to Haku, and my advice is to do it. Sometimes you get mixed vibes and reports on wrestlers, but everyone I’ve ever spoken to says that Haku (or Tonga, as they call him. Well, it is his name.) is one of the nicest guys around. But you don’t cross him, because he’s a tough SOB who will tear your eye right out if you get on his bad side.

His opponent is Hercules, now a babyface it seems, and sans Hernandez.

This is actually a pretty good contest. It’s not fast paced, but it has a decent ebb and flow, and considering the standard of last year, it’s admirable. It’s traditional heel gets the upper hand and babyface struggles to get a comeback stuff, but eventually Herc hits a big move or two. His ascent to the top is met with a kick, but Haku’s second rope follow up also misses.

Herc then hits a back suplex into a pin, and – nice attention to detail – gets a shoulder up and pins Haku. Decent stuff, and a nice babyface pop to start the show.

Backstage to Gene Mean, and he’s with Marty Jannetty, and the first appearance at the big one Mr Wrestlemania himself, Michael Shawn Hickenbottom.

The Rockers....wait, I just have to say, that’s a really lame name, you know. The Midnight Rockers has some ring to it. These guys are party animals, they are still rocking at midnight. “The Rockers” sounds at best a couple of guys with bad ‘dos who like very ordinary metal music, and at worst like two rocking chairs. I guess Midnight was dropped due to similarity with the Express of that ilk, but what it left was horrible.

Anyway, The Rockers are to take on Akeem and Big Boss man. Good lord, you can’t believe that that’s the One Man Gang in that blue and yellow Easter egg costume. Poor sod, I wonder who he pissed off to get that assignment?

This is another surprisingly good match, meaning Mr Wrestlemania gets one notch in his positive column right from the start. Boss Man could really move for a big guy, and The Rockers were unlike any team that WWF had had until that point.

The Twin Towers, as Akeem and Boss Man were known, get the win, after an awesome finish. I’m not sure what Shawn was supposed to be attempting with a jump from the top that left his legs straddling the standing Boss Man, but the big guy turned him in mid air and hits a devastating powerbomb. An Akeem splash, and this one is over. I enjoyed that. Good start to this show so far.

To the back, and oh my, it’s the Greatst Announcer in the History of Our Sport, Tony Schiavone. I didn’t realise he got to contribute to a Wrestlemania. Why isn’t he in the Hall of Fame?

Tony is with Ted DiBiase and Virgil, in front of absolutely-not-a-set-but-the-locker-room, honest. It is so the locker room, even though no-one ever was in the same room and the lockers appeared to be in the toilet.

Next sees the aforementioned DiBiase wrestle Brutus Beefcake, and as I say each time Brutus was really over back then. I wouldn’t think it’s to with his music, which sounds like a Midi file of the Wrestlemania theme. In fact, that was a joke, but the more I listen, I really do think that might be an early working of said theme. Slacking, Jim Johnson, slacking.

Another decent effort here. Not enthralling, but taking into account the time in which they are wrestling (I mean the year, not length of time) it’s ok. Midway through the commentators start talking about each man losing their hair. I’m not sure if this is meant to be a hair match – first I’ve heard of it – or whether they are just speculating as to what could happen.

In the end, it’s a hark back to the year previous, as we get a double count out for the two of them fighting outside, with Virgil also getting involved. They have a bit of a fight back inside, Brutus gets the upper hand, and Virgil and Ted scram when he reaches for some shears. Actually, why the hell has he got shears. Can you imagine going to get your haircut and your barber brings out garden shears? You’d run a mile.

To footage of the Wrestlemania weekend brunch, with Lord Alfred Hayes talking to the Bushwhackers. Its silly stuff of the Kiwis talking with their mouthful and showing no table manners, but their target audience were kids, so it’s more than forgiven. What isn’t is the woeful questioning of Hayes, who stumbles over words and makes an idiot of himself. Why didn’t they do another take, for goodness sake?

Bushwhackers wrestle their usual nonsense with the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers to begin with, and then things ease up so that the “All American Boys” take over. I understood the gimmick of them pretending to be American but not making a good job of it, but why did they have the Fleur du Lis on their tights?

Rougeaus dominate for a bit, then celebrate for a while, allowing the Bushwhackers to get up, hit their Battering Ram move, and win. Hmm, ok.

To Shaun Mooney, the Adamle of twenty years ago, who does nothing but get licked by the Bushwhackers, then we go back to Gorilla and Jesse. I supposed Mooney can’t “Pull an Adamle” if he doesn’t get time to say anything.

Next, we have, to no fanfare, Mr Perfect. Hennig’s here? Now we’re talking. A reasonable start to this Mania, and now one of the best wrestlers (that’s w-r-e-s-t-l-e-r) I have ever seen.

Speaking of which, it’s the Blue Blazer. For those unaware, this is Owen Hart in his first shot at the big time. And what a shot it was. This is a match which shows the genius of Curt Hennig. He bumped like a mad thing almost throughout in a match that was essentially a showpiece for Owen/Blazer. Perfect wins with his Perfectplex, but 90% of the match was Owen showing what he can do. It was terrific stuff.

Jesse promises a surprise, but it’s really just him waving to the crowd. Then to Lord Alfred who is at the site of a 5k race which was part of Mania’s festivities. Mr Fuji runs it (well, he starts and finishes) and he says it is to prove that his Powers of Pain will win the tag team titles. Yep, if running five kilometres in a suit doesn’t prove that Warlord and Barbarian are good wrestlers, then nothing will.

This just in..........nothing will.

Run DMC get in the ring and shout “ho” and “Wrestlemania” a lot for no apparent reason, before we go to highlights of Survivor Series the previous year. It seems that Demolition were managed by Fuji and were heel, while Powers of Pain were babyface, and during this match they did a double turn.

This one is two on three, with Fuji actually wrestling alongside his team against Demolition. This, predictably, brings the average of this show down a notch or two. All four regular competitors are big power guys, and Fuji had been retired for quite some time.

At least the right result is achieved. Demolition win by pinning Fuji, after the evil manager missed his throw of Fuji Dust.

Next, after Schiavone fails to interview Macho Man, it’s the French National anthem played for.......Dino Bravo. What is it about these French Canadians that forget that Quebec is actually IN Canada? He will face Ronnie Garvin, who is announced like a jobber. Out of nowhere, Fink introduces Jimmy Snuka, I guess to be in Garvin’s corner.

Garvin looks like Lance Storm spent a long time at the buffet line and then fell asleep in the sun.

Staggeringly tedious match, here, which Dino eventually wins with a Sidewalk Slam, referenced here as a side suplex Of course, he hit this move right at the point where Jesse and Gorilla were talking up Garvin’s stamina. Hmm. I agree with Jesse next, though, because Garvin attacks Bravo’s manager, Frenchie Martin (why isn’t it pronounced Mar-Tan?) for little reason. I hate when babyfaces do that.

Time for WCW legends on a WWF show, as Tully and Arn hit the ring. They’ll face Strike Force, and it’s frantic early stuff because there is barely a time where only two wrestlers are in the ring. Eventually Tito attempts his flying forearm and hits Martel.

This turns out to be the moment where Strike Force split up. Santana battles on effectively alone for a while, but when Martel is finally back on his feet he refuses a tag and walks out. Tito of course gets beaten, and Martel cuts a promo with Gene Mean saying that Tito was riding his coattails and he’s happy to get rid of him.

In the ring, Finkel talks about someone controversial who has his own talk show, and that “when you hear the word ‘Rowdy’ there is only one.........” Cue bagpipes. It’s Piper’s music, but very little reaction for him. The curtain goes up and it’s actually Brother Love. I’m guessing Piper was advertised, then, because the way Finkel talked it up it sounded like a surprise, but the reaction is very lukewarm.

I always found Brother Love extremely annoying, and although his Piper impression isn’t that bad, we get a couple of tedious minutes of him squawking. Next out is Morten Downey Jnr, who was a talk show host at the time, famous for smoking on TV. Apparently. He is rude briefly to Brother Love, but then Piper appears. This is dull so far. Piper insults Love when gets there, for quite some time. Yawn......and no-one in the arena is caring either.

Eventually Piper turns attention to Downey, who keeps blowing smoke from his cigarette in Piper’s face. Roddy continually asks him to stop, while they trade childish insults. “Where did you get your skirt?” “From a Polish warthog.” “I didn’t know your girlfriend was Polish.”..........and so forth.

Eventually Piper gets Downey to turn round, and when he turns back blasts him with a fire extinguisher. This is an iconic moment, but it takes forever to get there. ZZZZZZZZZZ segment.

Gene Mean then takes us to a preview of Hogan’s debut lead role in a movie, No Holds Barred. The film was of course terrible and a huge flop. Made the Marine look like Full Metal Jacket. Next, Sean Mooney conducts a supremely boring interview with Donald Trump, and then it’s back to Gorilla and Jesse. It’s all talking now, what’s happened to the wrestling?

Jesse wakes things up by cutting a great promo on Hogan for invading his territory. Shame he’d retired. Ito highlights of how the Mega Powers, Savage and Hogan, fell out over the course of a year. To be fair, it was pretty well done.

Hogan cuts a standard promo on Savage and........wait a second, he just said WWE? Was that an amzing mistake/coincidence? I have to rewind several times to see that, but they’ve dubbed Hogan saying WWE, presumably on a more recent appearance, over the WWF reference. Clever. I nearly didn’t even notice.

John Studd heads to the ring to the music that Hacksaw Jim Duggan has no, only without the “Hooooo” noises over the top. I think that’s in the arena and not dubbed onto the DVD. It’s very hard to tell now. Studd is a special referee for a match between Andre the Giant and Jake Roberts.

It’s not a technical classic, but it’s actually quite a lot of fun. It starts with Andre pushing Jake into a mysteriously open turnbuckle, and takes over the match. The story is essentially Andre dominating until doing his usual stuck-in-the-ropes routine. Jake keeps teasing getting his slithery pal involved, and when eventually he thinks about it, he gets jumped by Ted DiBiase, who kidnaps (Snakenaps?) Damien.

Back in the ring Studd is attacked by Andre. Jake gets the better of DiBiase, Andre spills to the floor, Jake gets in the ring..........and I guess it’s a DQ. A bit odd, but quite enjoyable. The crowd were hot for Jake.

To Mooney, who is up the Gods with an idiot fan shouting for Jake. He’s either drunk or an idiot. R maybe both. Don’t know why Mooney even spoke to him. Maybe his colleagues on the floor simply sent him to the back seats to get him out the way for five minutes.

Next, it’s Schiavone who forgets Sensational Sherri’s name. She talks about how Rockin’ Robin can’t sing (true) and that she’ll beat her later. She also laughs at Elizabeth’s predicament and says she is more beautiful. Yeah, and Colin Delaney was more built than Chris Masters.

Out come Honky Tonk Man and Greg Valentine (I don’t know if this is before they called themselves Rhythm and Blues and had Hammer dress like Honky or after) and they face the Hart Foundation. Very standard stuff, although an interesting reference mid match.

Jesse talks about Honky being the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time, and Gorilla counters with Pat Patterson. Jesse calls him a relic.

Patterson, a relic? Maybe he’s thinking about Rellik, the TNA gimmick of Johnny ‘the bull’ Stamboli, who was originally going the same gimmick but calling himself “Redrum”. It’s Murder backwards – although Patterson doesn’t think so.

That may be the most contrived joke I’ve ever done.

Hart Foundation win, but it’s not a classic by any stretch.

Rude and Warrior are up next, a match which came out of their “Super Posedown” at that year’s Royal Rumble, which was a terrible thing to charge people Pay Per View money. Warrior is IC champ at this point, and on a mega push. He dominates the early part of the match, then there is a period where Rude gets on top. The match is very formulaic. A few big moves, then a rest hold, and repeat.

Credit to Rude, he flies around this ring making look Warrior’s every move look devastating. Either that or Warrior isn’t taking a whole amount of care over his opponent. Probably a bit of both.

The match ends when Warrior tries to suplex Rude and Heenan grabs the ankles, allowing the Ravishing one to fall on top of his tassled opponent. Heenan holds one, and Rude steals one. Fair enough finish, as it allows Warrior to retain dignity (stop laughing) and drop the IC title to go after the big one.

Post match Warrior chases Heenan, eventually catching him and hitting him a couple of times. He picks The Brain up and promptly drops him, and only quick reactions from Bobby stop him getting hurt. You can see why guys didn’t like wrestling Warrior.

Next is Bad News Brown against Hacksaw Jim Duggan, in what is to all intents and purposes a time filler. Having said that, we are over three hours already here. Nothing really happens before Duggan hits his finisher, which knocks Brown to the outside. Bad News gets a chair, Duggan picks up his plank (I know what it’s called, but I like calling it plank) and they scrap. Double DQ. Pointless.

Maybe the point was simply to have a gap between Heenan appearances. After getting dropped by Warrior, it’s Bobby the Brain v Terry the Chicken. This is Terry taylor in his ridiculous “Red Rooster” gimmick, which I’m sure has never, ever been brought up by any guys who Terry has worked with backstage over the years.

After entering to the strains of Cock a Doodle Doo, bound to strike fear into any opponent, Rooster takes on the already hurt Heenan and beats him in seconds. Wow, that sure helped his career. To show what level he is on, he is attacked after the match by the Brooklyn Brawler. No, I’m not joking.

I think it’s the main event next. Liz talks to Gene Mean, and says that she hopes neither Macho Man nor the Hulkster gets hurt. Nt only was she mighty fine looking, she wasn’t a bad talker either. She is truly a very sad loss, and it’s a shame she got tangled up in wrestling really.

First in, after pointless bits with Schiavone and Mooney which I ignore, it’s the Champ, the still-to-enter the Hall of Fame Macho Man Randy Savage. After he has entered, they play his music again to welcome Elizabeth. She’ll go to a neutral corner. Today, you just know she’d cost Hogan the match, but back then not so much.

Real American (quietly) hits and out comes Hogan. Jesse wonders why the champ came out first. What do you expect, Jess? It’s Hogan. I really liked Jesse’s distaste for Hogan all the time. It added something that people on commentary could actually hate people and not have to have a feud with them. I know he got involved from time to time, but it reminded me of Lawler saying how much he hated Bret for years and years. He didn’t have to keep wrestling him, but it just gave things a different dynamic.

This isn’t a great match, not one for the ages, but it’s perfectly acceptable when you consider the combatants (well, one of the them) and the era. The fans are completely into this, so the slow. Staccato nature of the match isn’t a hindrance really. There is a nice ebb and flow to the match, even if Hogan’s comebacks are a little bit out of nowhere, and the fact that Liz tries to help both guys makes things interesting. Savage is able to get a ton more heat by mistreating her.

He forces her away from ringside, and a backstage guy escorts her out. Uh-oh, the guy puts his arm around her, Savage is going to kill him when he gets back beca......oh, wait now, it’s Patterson, it’s fine. Definitely no danger Randy, back to the match.

Savage takes over, and builds to the big elbow. He hits it, and of course Hogan kicks out at two and begins the “hulking up” process. Right hands, big boot, legdrop, it’s history. No false finishes for Hulk, no sirree!

A decent enough show, that, for me. There were plenty of decent matches on the card, and Perfect v Owen is a huge treat, especially since I’d forgotten this was part of the menu.

I think this is possibly the best mania so far, in terms of overall match quality. Many will point to Wrestlemania 3, and I’ll agree that the spectacle was immense, but apart from Savage and Steamboat it wasn’t stacked with great wrestling. The famous Andre v Hogan may well have been the most important match in wrestling history, but it’s not exciting to watch again.

Five down, (nearly) twenty to go...........

Raw Thoughts: March 10

· We will be going live Randy Orton’s home, apparently. I think I could stake fairly decent money on the fact that Triple H may just show up, and it won’t be with a neighbourly cup of sugar.
· Just top class verbiage from Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker. Genuinely made me want to see the match even more, and I already have my ticket! I actually quite liked the fact that they occasionally stumbled over a word or two because it heightened the tension and emphasised the emotion.
· I’m also really glad the writers didn’t choose to undermine the importance of the Mania match by having Michaels superkick Taker or the Deadman chokeslamming HBK, because that would have been cheap.
· Oh, and Michael Cole saying “Vintage Shawn Michaels” straight after the promo was just so plastic and felt tacked on. I know I sound like a broken record, but Raw is supposed to be the flagship show and has the third best announce team.
· A pretty good match between JBL and Punk for what it was, and the fact that he’ll be presumably defending this at Mania makes sense, and Punk will be MITB anyway. It’s just a shame this was not a surprise because of the leaked script.
· A word on that actually. Despite being part of the hated Internet Wrestling media, I really don’t like things like the leaked script. I like to speculate and to guess on what will happen, and yeah a little inside information here and there is nice and helps me, but mostly I don’t like to know the score. I was at Bound for Glory and watched it sat two seats from Dixie Carter, and surrounded by company writers, wrestlers and agents. I watched the participants in matches go through spots and organise their matches, and it was a very cool experience. However, when we sat down to watch the matches, the three of us that were there as journalists had a competition to guess who would win. Admitted we did quite well, even guessing the manner of certain victories, but that didn’t detract from our enjoyment, and the fact that we were kept guessing made it more fun.
· Things like the leaked script make Vince McMahon and the like more paranoid and I don’t blame them, because although it’s cool to know what Chris Irvine, rather than Chris Jericho, is like, or learn bits about how the show is put together, I don’t think people ought to see such explicit detail. Admittedly, that makes me sound a hypocrite because I have seen a script such as this before, but to the majority these things should be kept secret to heighten the magic, in my eyes.
· Back to Raw, and to Randy Orton speaking from his house. Interesting that they introduced his wife. Didn’t he confess to sleeping with Kelly Kelly about six weeks ago? Bet she’s happy with that one.
· Divas lumberjacks.........the high angle shot does neither Jillian nor Rosa Mendes any favours.
· That’s frustrating. Far too short and a weak ending. For what is was, that was pretty good divas action, but how can the alleged best two divas in the company be taken seriously if their match lasts about four minutes, if that?
· To her credit, I think Maryse is as improved as anybody in the last 6-12 months.
· Edge, Show, Cena, Vickie.........what........the hell........was that?
· Ought to comment really, didn’t I? Well, it was very contrived and ought really to have been a show-ender, but while Triple H and Orton are about they are going to be the focus. I don’t know why Cena did the “I love Vickie” thing, because it really just served to confuse people, and then it was abandoned anyway. I think Cena could have just shown the “GTV” footage and had done with it. Still, they have to work it in somehow, and I’m all for having more Edge and Vickie soap opera stuff, because it’s a riot.
· Vickie better throw Alicia Fox in Edge’s face, because he has done exactly the same thing. I imagine it’s supposed to be a mirror of that incident. I would doubt this is the end of the Vickie/Edge partnership. In fact I’d suggest Edge will win the Triple Threat with Vickie’s help, and this will be revealed to have all been a plot.
· The Jericho thing worked fair enough, although I hope against all hope that Flair doesn’t come out of retirement. It was the best retirement angle of all time, and to sully that would be criminal.
· Christian working a six-man filler match. My God, what terrible use of him. Even if you are going to have him brought back in that miserable way on ECW, surely for his return to Raw you could have a 10 second vignette from backstage. Have Edge on the phone, or talking to a backstage lackey, ranting about first Cena interfering, Show being around and now his wife letting him down, then saying you should be able to trust family. Edge then looks shocked, Christian walks by, smiles, and walks away. It would just make him feel like a slightly bigger deal, and would be an impactful announcement to the Raw audience that he is back. Simples.
· The match utterly worthless, lasting only a few seconds and further watering down the Rey Mysterio act. I’ve often said that I’m not his hugest fan, but he’s a talented and over dude who was the star of the best match at No Way Out about three weeks ago. Why isn’t he front and centre of Raw right now? I’m begging for his to go back to Smackdown and have Michael hayes lay out thered (well, blue) carpet for him
· I didn’t care for that final segment. I’m ok with the overall concept, but I thought the camera work was a little too clean. The cameras were really well positioned – too much so. You need that edgy feel as though everything is live and happening for real so you can lose the reality bubble for a second. That was impossible because it felt like a movie. Especially the camera waiting outside the window.
· Orton shouldn’t have been so agile after being thrown through the window. Within 30 seconds of being thrown through several panes of glass he got up, no sign of a cut on him, and tried to a attack a handcuffed Triple H. Come Wrestlemania, ninety seconds into the match he’ll stay down for longer after a right hand.
· Sometimes less is more. I know they were going for the full effect, but they could have left more to the imagination. The reason people will instantly compare this to Austin v Pillman is testament to how that angle worked. It felt real. Both men’s characters were nutcases at the time and the camera feed broke. You wondered what the hell had happened. Would it have been the worst thing in the world for Hunter to have stormed into the living room to interrupt the interview, stand in front of the camera and smash it? Raw would then cut to Cody and Ted looking petrified for their cohort and Cole and Lawler could squeal “what the hell happened?” as Raw goes off the air.
· You then have a hook for more footage from a second camera being played on Smackdown, and a better cliffhanger feel to it.
· I don’t like the fact that Triple H has two (legitimate) reasons to be in jail and that Cena was a prick to Edge and Show. Like Bret Hart I could be accused of being stuck in the past, but I think a babyface should be in essence virtuous and heroic. Not psychotic and a piss-taker.
· An ‘eh’ Raw. Plenty of good stuff (Flair’s teasing return, the intrigue of where JBL will take the IC title, the announcement of the divas match, even if the seg was probably too short, and of course HBK/Taker) but the big title segments felt forced or out of place. Much of Edge/Cena/Show was ok, but it didn’t flow and didn’t suit characters. Triple H has gone crazy because Orton put his hands on The Game’s wife, so wouldn’t Edge want to immediately go after Big Show and knock his block off.

Retro Mania - Wrestlemania III

Wrestlemania III is often talked up as being the best of the early Wrestlemanias, and this is likely due to two things. One a quality wrestling match, the other an iconic moment. We will get to them in due course.

We start this event, which took place in March 1987, with some delightful cheesy 80s graphics and music, and in the ring is Vince, with his famous “Welcome to Wrestlemania III”. He hands over to Aretha Franklin to sing America the Beautiful. She would show up for Wrestlemania twenty years later looking like Rikishi, but even as a non-American I have to admit this version is pretty stirring stuff.

Over to Gorillia, who has Jesse dressed like Jake the snake’s gay friend, and two celebs. They are “Entertainment Tonight’s Mary Hart” as Gorilla says with a petrified look on his face, as if he didn’t know who she was and was desperately making sure he didn’t forget. Also with them is Bob Uecker, who my research tells me is a baseball player-turned-actor-turned-broadcaster, who starred in a series of adverts. Ok.

Can-Am connection (Rick Martel and Tom Zenk) are up first in the daylight of the Pontiac Silverdome, in Michigan, to face Don Muraco and Bob Orton, with Fuji in their corner.

Before the first bell rings, Gorilla has called Wrestlemania “This happening” four times.

The babyfaces (Zenk and Martel) are in control early on, and Monsoon says that Zenk has “the excellence of execution”. Wrong Canadian, Gino.

This match doesn’t last long, and considering the prestige of the individuals in the heel corner, they get very little offence in. Can-Am wins in short order, with the old playground trick of one guy bending over behind someone who is reversing. In this case, it’s not a push but a cross-body that topples Muraco.

Off to Gene Mean for a chat with Bobby Heenan, who brings in his charge, Hercules Hernandez. Herc says that he brought Samson and Atlas down, which is mixing all kinds of things up, because Hercules was a Roman mythological figure, Atlas from Greek mythology and Samson biblical.

He faces Billy Jack Haynes, he of the big tall black hat and the only man I’ve heard of from Oregon, or at least that talks about Oregon.

The combatants come to the ring in those little carts shaped like a wrestling ring, which I’d completely forgotten about. I’d love to see those return for one time only.

This is allegedly the battle of the full nelsons, since each man had the move in his repertoire. That doesn’t fill you with confidence since that tends to be a move used by lumbering (allegedly) roided up monsters – Warlord, Chris Masters etc.

As expected, this is a slow on, full of slow, ponderous power moves, and not even one with a satisfactory ending. Haynes eventually slapped on his full nelson, but both men fell to the outside, and Haynes turned out to be from that stupid brand of babyfaces that can’t count, because he didn’t release the hold and they both got counted-out. Swell.

Heenan interjects after the bell, causing Haynes to be distracted and for Herc to nail his adversary with a chain. Bizarrely, Haynes – remember this is a relatively low-interest second match with a draw ending – blades heavily. Hercules puts the full nelson on, and then leaves. Very dull, and very puzzling.

And to make matters worse, a replay of the first chain shot is shown, and you can see Haynes blading if you look closely.

Uecker is with Gorilla and Jesse for this next match, and for one competitor it’s quite the fall from grace. King Kong Bundy was in the main event with Hogan last year, and now he’s accompanied by two midgets (Little Toyko and Lord Littlebrook) to face Hillbilly Jim and his two partners of restricted size, Haiti Kid and Little Beaver.

Imagine if Lawler got to call a match involving a little Beaver. Carnage.

This ‘contest’ is basically midgets running around and bumping into each other quite a lot, then Bundy tagging in and them running around him. Jesse is constantly calling for Bundy to squash the little guys, with Monsoon typically sounding shocked.

I was expecting to see Bundy chase them to no avail and see Hillbilly Jim stop him, but instead Bundy gets fed up of Little Beaver tormenting him, so slams him and drops an elbow. That was hilarious. Bundy gets DQ-ed and all the midget show their scorn for him. How dare he. So that’s three matches, and only own clean finish so far.

Next is Harley Race v Junkyard Dog. Heenan is back along with Harley, who is King of Wrestling at this point, and has the music we now associate with Jerry Lawler. Moolah is with Race and Heenan, proclaimed as the queen of pro wrestling, and Uecker excuses himself from the announce position because he wants to get with Moolah. Ohhhhh-kayyyyy.

The stipulation, says Gorilla, is that the loser must bow down to the other man. Now, people far more learned than I wax lyrical about these two, both hall of famers. All I’ll say is that I’ve seen little of both guys, but in what I have they don’t seem to be up to much in my eyes. It looks like two sixty year olds fighting, and it ends after Harley hits a very soft belly to belly and the ref does an unconvincing count.

JYD is supposed to bow down post match, and although he does, he then grabs a chair and blasts Race. I hate that, I never think a babyface should do this unless majorly provoked. Otherwise what distinquishes between good guys and bad?

Back to Vince backstage with Hogan, who yammers on about riding a bike and having people say he’ll lose, but it’s generally nonsense with “brother”, “man” and “Dude” liberally sprinkled within the dialogue. Even Vince looks at Hulk as if to say “what the hell are you on about?” The message is essentially that he’ll beat Andre, I think.

Back in the ring are Jacques and Raymond Rougeau, who are talked about in positive terms by Gorilla and vaguely cheered, so they must be face at this point. I liked them when they did the All-American Boys heel gimmick. They are against Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake, the Dream Team, accompanied by manager Johnny Valiant and, for some reason, Dino Bravo. Better to have Bravo doing this than wrestling. TNA love him, though, they are always talking up Bravo when I speak to them.

Ray Rougeau is the guy with the moustache who was on the French broadcast table when it still existed, and Jacques was later The Mountie. I’m not listing all the characters Brutus Beefcake has been because this site only has so much bandwidth and I’m going away in five weeks.

Midway through the match, just as the heels get the upper hand, Bobby Heenan appears alongside Gorilla and Jesse. The Brain claims two victories out of two, and Gorilla explains it is one from three.

In the ring, Rougeaus hit a double team move on Valentine, but with the ref distracted Dino Bravo nails Raymond and rolls the Hammer on top for the win. For some, not really explained reason, Brutus isn’t happy with this. Valiant, Bravo and Valentine celebrate outside, and Beefcake looked pissed off. The other three leave Brutus behind for no good reason. Was this a babyface turn?

Next up is Adrian Adonis v Roddy Piper, and nice to see Adorable Adrian get a match with Piper rather than Uncle Elmer like last year. Piper admonishes Adonis for wearing a dress, but seems to miss the irony that he wears a skirt.

Adonis has big shears and Jimmy Hart a mirror, with the premise being that the loser of this match has a haircut. Piper is now a babyface, as you can probably tell. The commentators talk up the fact this is Piper’s last hurrah, and that he is leaving wrestling after this match. Ironic given that this is twenty two years ago, and we was on Raw three weeks ago.

Adonis and Piper start the match trading shots with a leather belt before Piper gets the upper hand, frequently using Jimmy Hart as a weapon and sending the crowd into raptures. Man, Piper just has always had a connection with the fans. Two years prior to this he was a staggeringly good heel against Hogan, and now he is being cheered hugely.

Adonis gets the upper hand, and the commentators keep talking about him getting “Goodnight Irene” on Piper, which is a sleeperhold. Another match where both men have the same finisher. Hart sprays some perfume in Roddy’s face, and Adonis puts on his sleeper.

Adonis and Hart celebrate when they think they have won, but Piper didn’t drop his arm. That actually makes far more sense that the usual miraculous comeback which makes no real sense. If the move is applied and puts a guy mostly to sleep, how would he comeback while the hold is still on?

Anyway, while Hart and Adonis celebrate, Brutus Beefacke appears to massage Piper’s shoulders, and Roddy slaps on the sleeper and gets the win. Brutus begins to shave the Adorable One’s hair, while Piper stands on Jimmy Hart. I guess this is the start of the “barber” gimmick, and explains why Brutus meekly turned face in the previous match.

Beefcake does a terrible job, since Adonis loses very little hair, but the crowd go nuts for Piper, who would then depart to go and make a few average to poor films.

A fan runs in to celebrate with Roddy, and Piper seems delighted to shake his hand. Then two security guys come in and kick the shit out of the intruder. Oh well.

Next, Ventura heads to ringside to be introduced to the crowd, and to wish the heel team in this next six-man tag match. They are The Hart Foundations, tag champs at the time, along with Danny Davis. This was Davis’s debut, after he had been an evil referee for some time. He had been allegedly suspended forever at this point, as an official, but he’d be back soon after his brief wrestling tenure. The story was that he’d cost The British Bulldogs the tag titles, with the Hart Foundation profiting.

The Bulldogs are two-thirds of the opposing team, along with Tito Santana. The trio in the commentary booth are Gorilla with the two celeb guests, Mary Hart and Bob Uecker. They have to be given credit, actually because they are a million miles from Susan “uh-oh” St James, and actually add a little to proceedings. They let Gorilla do the talking and chip in where necessary.

It turns out Davis is quite the heel , because the crowd, although entertained by the fun tag team exchanges with the other five, go nuts when Tito starts hammering him. Davey Boy takes over, even hitting a early Tombstone (Taker was in World Class at the time) and having the former ref beaten before Anvil breaks it up.

Typically, though, the dastardly heel gets the decision, as while the other four are fighting, Davis procures Jimmy’s megaphone and cracks Davey Boy in the head. Strangely, the commentators don’t actually see this, and it takes a replay for them to realise.

Backstage, Gene Mean has Andre and Heenan with him, and Bobby is superb here. This is where great managers came to the fore, because he talks his man up something terrific here, and Andre’s frame says the rest.

Slick is in the ring with Butch Reed, and he’ll face Koko B Ware. Creature number two at ringside, after we’ve already seen the Bulldogs with, erm, a Bulldog. Why isn’t Koko the Macaw Man, and not the Birdman?

This, unfortunately, is another match of big guys doing basically the same punch, kick, slam, backdrop match. Reed wins after Koko’s cross body is rolled through. Slick lays into Koko post match, but Tito makes the save and for some reason tries to take Slick’s clothes off. The Doctor of Style runs away, and the two babyfaces dropkick Reed out of the ring.

Next is Randy Savage v Rick Steamboat. Footage of Savage attacking The Dragon is shown, and then a doctor, apparently Dr. R Jeremy, says that Steamboat’s recuperative powers are amazing.

Savage was IC champ at this point, so these two will be tangling in a title match. He hits the ring first, and I don’t care how many times I hear it, I will always love Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance March No. 1, otherwise known as Land of Hope and Glory. It is one of the finest pieces of music I know, and I believe contributed majorly to one of Savage’s babyface turns, which we will witness in about four Manias time.

This was, as it is always said to be, is a classic. Savage is perfect as the arrogant misogynistic heel, the Dragon the virtuous, athletic babyface. The match is based on a storyline with feeling, and is performed with such precision timing one cannot help but marvel. It goes to and fro so many times, I cannot possibly explain it in linear fashion.

Basically, if you have never seen this match, find it, watch it then rewind it and watch it again. It’s terrific. Steamboat wins with a small package.

Jake Roberts, with Alice Cooper, takes on Honky Tonk Man next. No sign of his brilliant theme song we’d come to know and love.

This is quite a fun one. It’s not a classic wrestling match like the one before, but Honky’s infectious personality gives the bout a flow, and the roll up victory by HTM with the aid of the ropes is redeemed when Alice Cooper and Jake pour the python over Hart.

Gene Mean announces the dubious indoor attendance record, and then it’s time for....Gorilla to call it a happening again.

Tag team action next, and it’s flag waving nasty foreign bad guys Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff. The big Lithuanian starts to do the Soviet anthem as usual, but Hacksaw Jim Duggan heads out to give Americans a bad name like he normally does. He isn’t wrestling, though, he’s just interrupting. The Killer Bees those charged with taking on the Sheik and Volkoff.

It’s typical tag action for several minutes before Duggan decides to go chasing Volkoff. Sheik has one of the Bees in a Camel Clutch when Volkoff runs through the ring, Duggan in pursuit. Hacksaw smacks Sheik with the wooden plank, and this one is over, with the Killer Bees disqualified. More idiocy to have good guys cheating and acting like morons. Never understand this.

Back to Bobby and Andre, who predict victory, and then some background on the feud. More ‘wise’ words from Hogan, and then Bob Uecker is brought out as special guest ring announcer. Mary Hart is timekeeper, and then Heenan, resplendent in white, seconds Andre to the ring for the biggest match of The Boss’ life.

Jesse calls it the biggest match in the history of professional wrestling. You are used to hearing that kind of hyperbole from Tony Schiovane, or Michael Cole, or Jerry Lawler, but in this case Jesse Ventura is probably right. At this point, this may well have been the biggest match ever.

Hogan hits a right hand, goes for a slam and Andre falls on him. The Frenchman then dominates for the next five minutes or so. Hogan briefly rallies with a few right hands which elicit the biggest response of the night, only for Andre to boot the champ and then clamp on a bearhug.

Hogan makes a vague comeback and the action spills to the outside. He removes padding to expose concrete, and laughably tries to piledrive Andre on the concrete. Andre of course counters, and Hogan takes one of the weakest backdrops of all time. Back in the ring Hogan basically runs into Andre who bumbles backwards. On their feet Hogan slams Andre, and a legdrop later it’s over.

Frankly, it wasn’t good to watch, but it is completely wrong to judge this by aesthetics. Just one look (and a listen) at the crowd and you can hear what they think. Hogan was just so over at this point that he was almost the sole attraction. As long as Hogan was winning it was all that mattered to people, so if Steamboat and Savage entertained on the undercard then cool, but as long as the people went home happy with a Hogan victory, as was becoming Wrestlemania tradition, that was what mattered.

Overall, this was not a great PPV. It had one great match, an entertaining six man and a half decent Jake v Honky match, but most other matches were slow and ponderous.

Not it’s cracked up to be, frankly, but the Macho Man v Steamboat match is everything people say it is and more.