Retro Mania - Five

It’s the same intro as last year, and the same arena last year, for Wrestlemania V. This year Vince yells at us that The Mega Powers will explode, and then it’s Gorilla. It’ll be him and Jesse again this year.

Rockin’ Robin, women’s champion sings a version of America the Beautiful, and it’s mercifully short. Let’s just be kind and say that Aretha Frankling or Gladys Knight she ain’t!

King music, and it’s not Harley Race, and not Jerry Lawler, but King Haku. Bobby Heenan wants you to bow to Haku, and my advice is to do it. Sometimes you get mixed vibes and reports on wrestlers, but everyone I’ve ever spoken to says that Haku (or Tonga, as they call him. Well, it is his name.) is one of the nicest guys around. But you don’t cross him, because he’s a tough SOB who will tear your eye right out if you get on his bad side.

His opponent is Hercules, now a babyface it seems, and sans Hernandez.

This is actually a pretty good contest. It’s not fast paced, but it has a decent ebb and flow, and considering the standard of last year, it’s admirable. It’s traditional heel gets the upper hand and babyface struggles to get a comeback stuff, but eventually Herc hits a big move or two. His ascent to the top is met with a kick, but Haku’s second rope follow up also misses.

Herc then hits a back suplex into a pin, and – nice attention to detail – gets a shoulder up and pins Haku. Decent stuff, and a nice babyface pop to start the show.

Backstage to Gene Mean, and he’s with Marty Jannetty, and the first appearance at the big one Mr Wrestlemania himself, Michael Shawn Hickenbottom.

The Rockers....wait, I just have to say, that’s a really lame name, you know. The Midnight Rockers has some ring to it. These guys are party animals, they are still rocking at midnight. “The Rockers” sounds at best a couple of guys with bad ‘dos who like very ordinary metal music, and at worst like two rocking chairs. I guess Midnight was dropped due to similarity with the Express of that ilk, but what it left was horrible.

Anyway, The Rockers are to take on Akeem and Big Boss man. Good lord, you can’t believe that that’s the One Man Gang in that blue and yellow Easter egg costume. Poor sod, I wonder who he pissed off to get that assignment?

This is another surprisingly good match, meaning Mr Wrestlemania gets one notch in his positive column right from the start. Boss Man could really move for a big guy, and The Rockers were unlike any team that WWF had had until that point.

The Twin Towers, as Akeem and Boss Man were known, get the win, after an awesome finish. I’m not sure what Shawn was supposed to be attempting with a jump from the top that left his legs straddling the standing Boss Man, but the big guy turned him in mid air and hits a devastating powerbomb. An Akeem splash, and this one is over. I enjoyed that. Good start to this show so far.

To the back, and oh my, it’s the Greatst Announcer in the History of Our Sport, Tony Schiavone. I didn’t realise he got to contribute to a Wrestlemania. Why isn’t he in the Hall of Fame?

Tony is with Ted DiBiase and Virgil, in front of absolutely-not-a-set-but-the-locker-room, honest. It is so the locker room, even though no-one ever was in the same room and the lockers appeared to be in the toilet.

Next sees the aforementioned DiBiase wrestle Brutus Beefcake, and as I say each time Brutus was really over back then. I wouldn’t think it’s to with his music, which sounds like a Midi file of the Wrestlemania theme. In fact, that was a joke, but the more I listen, I really do think that might be an early working of said theme. Slacking, Jim Johnson, slacking.

Another decent effort here. Not enthralling, but taking into account the time in which they are wrestling (I mean the year, not length of time) it’s ok. Midway through the commentators start talking about each man losing their hair. I’m not sure if this is meant to be a hair match – first I’ve heard of it – or whether they are just speculating as to what could happen.

In the end, it’s a hark back to the year previous, as we get a double count out for the two of them fighting outside, with Virgil also getting involved. They have a bit of a fight back inside, Brutus gets the upper hand, and Virgil and Ted scram when he reaches for some shears. Actually, why the hell has he got shears. Can you imagine going to get your haircut and your barber brings out garden shears? You’d run a mile.

To footage of the Wrestlemania weekend brunch, with Lord Alfred Hayes talking to the Bushwhackers. Its silly stuff of the Kiwis talking with their mouthful and showing no table manners, but their target audience were kids, so it’s more than forgiven. What isn’t is the woeful questioning of Hayes, who stumbles over words and makes an idiot of himself. Why didn’t they do another take, for goodness sake?

Bushwhackers wrestle their usual nonsense with the Fabulous Rougeau Brothers to begin with, and then things ease up so that the “All American Boys” take over. I understood the gimmick of them pretending to be American but not making a good job of it, but why did they have the Fleur du Lis on their tights?

Rougeaus dominate for a bit, then celebrate for a while, allowing the Bushwhackers to get up, hit their Battering Ram move, and win. Hmm, ok.

To Shaun Mooney, the Adamle of twenty years ago, who does nothing but get licked by the Bushwhackers, then we go back to Gorilla and Jesse. I supposed Mooney can’t “Pull an Adamle” if he doesn’t get time to say anything.

Next, we have, to no fanfare, Mr Perfect. Hennig’s here? Now we’re talking. A reasonable start to this Mania, and now one of the best wrestlers (that’s w-r-e-s-t-l-e-r) I have ever seen.

Speaking of which, it’s the Blue Blazer. For those unaware, this is Owen Hart in his first shot at the big time. And what a shot it was. This is a match which shows the genius of Curt Hennig. He bumped like a mad thing almost throughout in a match that was essentially a showpiece for Owen/Blazer. Perfect wins with his Perfectplex, but 90% of the match was Owen showing what he can do. It was terrific stuff.

Jesse promises a surprise, but it’s really just him waving to the crowd. Then to Lord Alfred who is at the site of a 5k race which was part of Mania’s festivities. Mr Fuji runs it (well, he starts and finishes) and he says it is to prove that his Powers of Pain will win the tag team titles. Yep, if running five kilometres in a suit doesn’t prove that Warlord and Barbarian are good wrestlers, then nothing will.

This just in..........nothing will.

Run DMC get in the ring and shout “ho” and “Wrestlemania” a lot for no apparent reason, before we go to highlights of Survivor Series the previous year. It seems that Demolition were managed by Fuji and were heel, while Powers of Pain were babyface, and during this match they did a double turn.

This one is two on three, with Fuji actually wrestling alongside his team against Demolition. This, predictably, brings the average of this show down a notch or two. All four regular competitors are big power guys, and Fuji had been retired for quite some time.

At least the right result is achieved. Demolition win by pinning Fuji, after the evil manager missed his throw of Fuji Dust.

Next, after Schiavone fails to interview Macho Man, it’s the French National anthem played for.......Dino Bravo. What is it about these French Canadians that forget that Quebec is actually IN Canada? He will face Ronnie Garvin, who is announced like a jobber. Out of nowhere, Fink introduces Jimmy Snuka, I guess to be in Garvin’s corner.

Garvin looks like Lance Storm spent a long time at the buffet line and then fell asleep in the sun.

Staggeringly tedious match, here, which Dino eventually wins with a Sidewalk Slam, referenced here as a side suplex Of course, he hit this move right at the point where Jesse and Gorilla were talking up Garvin’s stamina. Hmm. I agree with Jesse next, though, because Garvin attacks Bravo’s manager, Frenchie Martin (why isn’t it pronounced Mar-Tan?) for little reason. I hate when babyfaces do that.

Time for WCW legends on a WWF show, as Tully and Arn hit the ring. They’ll face Strike Force, and it’s frantic early stuff because there is barely a time where only two wrestlers are in the ring. Eventually Tito attempts his flying forearm and hits Martel.

This turns out to be the moment where Strike Force split up. Santana battles on effectively alone for a while, but when Martel is finally back on his feet he refuses a tag and walks out. Tito of course gets beaten, and Martel cuts a promo with Gene Mean saying that Tito was riding his coattails and he’s happy to get rid of him.

In the ring, Finkel talks about someone controversial who has his own talk show, and that “when you hear the word ‘Rowdy’ there is only one.........” Cue bagpipes. It’s Piper’s music, but very little reaction for him. The curtain goes up and it’s actually Brother Love. I’m guessing Piper was advertised, then, because the way Finkel talked it up it sounded like a surprise, but the reaction is very lukewarm.

I always found Brother Love extremely annoying, and although his Piper impression isn’t that bad, we get a couple of tedious minutes of him squawking. Next out is Morten Downey Jnr, who was a talk show host at the time, famous for smoking on TV. Apparently. He is rude briefly to Brother Love, but then Piper appears. This is dull so far. Piper insults Love when gets there, for quite some time. Yawn......and no-one in the arena is caring either.

Eventually Piper turns attention to Downey, who keeps blowing smoke from his cigarette in Piper’s face. Roddy continually asks him to stop, while they trade childish insults. “Where did you get your skirt?” “From a Polish warthog.” “I didn’t know your girlfriend was Polish.”..........and so forth.

Eventually Piper gets Downey to turn round, and when he turns back blasts him with a fire extinguisher. This is an iconic moment, but it takes forever to get there. ZZZZZZZZZZ segment.

Gene Mean then takes us to a preview of Hogan’s debut lead role in a movie, No Holds Barred. The film was of course terrible and a huge flop. Made the Marine look like Full Metal Jacket. Next, Sean Mooney conducts a supremely boring interview with Donald Trump, and then it’s back to Gorilla and Jesse. It’s all talking now, what’s happened to the wrestling?

Jesse wakes things up by cutting a great promo on Hogan for invading his territory. Shame he’d retired. Ito highlights of how the Mega Powers, Savage and Hogan, fell out over the course of a year. To be fair, it was pretty well done.

Hogan cuts a standard promo on Savage and........wait a second, he just said WWE? Was that an amzing mistake/coincidence? I have to rewind several times to see that, but they’ve dubbed Hogan saying WWE, presumably on a more recent appearance, over the WWF reference. Clever. I nearly didn’t even notice.

John Studd heads to the ring to the music that Hacksaw Jim Duggan has no, only without the “Hooooo” noises over the top. I think that’s in the arena and not dubbed onto the DVD. It’s very hard to tell now. Studd is a special referee for a match between Andre the Giant and Jake Roberts.

It’s not a technical classic, but it’s actually quite a lot of fun. It starts with Andre pushing Jake into a mysteriously open turnbuckle, and takes over the match. The story is essentially Andre dominating until doing his usual stuck-in-the-ropes routine. Jake keeps teasing getting his slithery pal involved, and when eventually he thinks about it, he gets jumped by Ted DiBiase, who kidnaps (Snakenaps?) Damien.

Back in the ring Studd is attacked by Andre. Jake gets the better of DiBiase, Andre spills to the floor, Jake gets in the ring..........and I guess it’s a DQ. A bit odd, but quite enjoyable. The crowd were hot for Jake.

To Mooney, who is up the Gods with an idiot fan shouting for Jake. He’s either drunk or an idiot. R maybe both. Don’t know why Mooney even spoke to him. Maybe his colleagues on the floor simply sent him to the back seats to get him out the way for five minutes.

Next, it’s Schiavone who forgets Sensational Sherri’s name. She talks about how Rockin’ Robin can’t sing (true) and that she’ll beat her later. She also laughs at Elizabeth’s predicament and says she is more beautiful. Yeah, and Colin Delaney was more built than Chris Masters.

Out come Honky Tonk Man and Greg Valentine (I don’t know if this is before they called themselves Rhythm and Blues and had Hammer dress like Honky or after) and they face the Hart Foundation. Very standard stuff, although an interesting reference mid match.

Jesse talks about Honky being the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time, and Gorilla counters with Pat Patterson. Jesse calls him a relic.

Patterson, a relic? Maybe he’s thinking about Rellik, the TNA gimmick of Johnny ‘the bull’ Stamboli, who was originally going the same gimmick but calling himself “Redrum”. It’s Murder backwards – although Patterson doesn’t think so.

That may be the most contrived joke I’ve ever done.

Hart Foundation win, but it’s not a classic by any stretch.

Rude and Warrior are up next, a match which came out of their “Super Posedown” at that year’s Royal Rumble, which was a terrible thing to charge people Pay Per View money. Warrior is IC champ at this point, and on a mega push. He dominates the early part of the match, then there is a period where Rude gets on top. The match is very formulaic. A few big moves, then a rest hold, and repeat.

Credit to Rude, he flies around this ring making look Warrior’s every move look devastating. Either that or Warrior isn’t taking a whole amount of care over his opponent. Probably a bit of both.

The match ends when Warrior tries to suplex Rude and Heenan grabs the ankles, allowing the Ravishing one to fall on top of his tassled opponent. Heenan holds one, and Rude steals one. Fair enough finish, as it allows Warrior to retain dignity (stop laughing) and drop the IC title to go after the big one.

Post match Warrior chases Heenan, eventually catching him and hitting him a couple of times. He picks The Brain up and promptly drops him, and only quick reactions from Bobby stop him getting hurt. You can see why guys didn’t like wrestling Warrior.

Next is Bad News Brown against Hacksaw Jim Duggan, in what is to all intents and purposes a time filler. Having said that, we are over three hours already here. Nothing really happens before Duggan hits his finisher, which knocks Brown to the outside. Bad News gets a chair, Duggan picks up his plank (I know what it’s called, but I like calling it plank) and they scrap. Double DQ. Pointless.

Maybe the point was simply to have a gap between Heenan appearances. After getting dropped by Warrior, it’s Bobby the Brain v Terry the Chicken. This is Terry taylor in his ridiculous “Red Rooster” gimmick, which I’m sure has never, ever been brought up by any guys who Terry has worked with backstage over the years.

After entering to the strains of Cock a Doodle Doo, bound to strike fear into any opponent, Rooster takes on the already hurt Heenan and beats him in seconds. Wow, that sure helped his career. To show what level he is on, he is attacked after the match by the Brooklyn Brawler. No, I’m not joking.

I think it’s the main event next. Liz talks to Gene Mean, and says that she hopes neither Macho Man nor the Hulkster gets hurt. Nt only was she mighty fine looking, she wasn’t a bad talker either. She is truly a very sad loss, and it’s a shame she got tangled up in wrestling really.

First in, after pointless bits with Schiavone and Mooney which I ignore, it’s the Champ, the still-to-enter the Hall of Fame Macho Man Randy Savage. After he has entered, they play his music again to welcome Elizabeth. She’ll go to a neutral corner. Today, you just know she’d cost Hogan the match, but back then not so much.

Real American (quietly) hits and out comes Hogan. Jesse wonders why the champ came out first. What do you expect, Jess? It’s Hogan. I really liked Jesse’s distaste for Hogan all the time. It added something that people on commentary could actually hate people and not have to have a feud with them. I know he got involved from time to time, but it reminded me of Lawler saying how much he hated Bret for years and years. He didn’t have to keep wrestling him, but it just gave things a different dynamic.

This isn’t a great match, not one for the ages, but it’s perfectly acceptable when you consider the combatants (well, one of the them) and the era. The fans are completely into this, so the slow. Staccato nature of the match isn’t a hindrance really. There is a nice ebb and flow to the match, even if Hogan’s comebacks are a little bit out of nowhere, and the fact that Liz tries to help both guys makes things interesting. Savage is able to get a ton more heat by mistreating her.

He forces her away from ringside, and a backstage guy escorts her out. Uh-oh, the guy puts his arm around her, Savage is going to kill him when he gets back beca......oh, wait now, it’s Patterson, it’s fine. Definitely no danger Randy, back to the match.

Savage takes over, and builds to the big elbow. He hits it, and of course Hogan kicks out at two and begins the “hulking up” process. Right hands, big boot, legdrop, it’s history. No false finishes for Hulk, no sirree!

A decent enough show, that, for me. There were plenty of decent matches on the card, and Perfect v Owen is a huge treat, especially since I’d forgotten this was part of the menu.

I think this is possibly the best mania so far, in terms of overall match quality. Many will point to Wrestlemania 3, and I’ll agree that the spectacle was immense, but apart from Savage and Steamboat it wasn’t stacked with great wrestling. The famous Andre v Hogan may well have been the most important match in wrestling history, but it’s not exciting to watch again.

Five down, (nearly) twenty to go...........

Retro Mania - Wrestlemania 2

After the success of Wrestlemania, Vince and co. knew that it would not be a one-time-only deal, and set abut plans for the sequel.

Rather than settle for one big arena, they decided that Wrestlemania 2 would take place in three venues. In New York, Chicago and LA they would have an hours worth each, giving the show a very different feel.

Frankly, it was a mistake, and this show did not live up to the first edition. However, that shouldn’t stop us taking a look at his historical significance.

And making fun of it, of course.


We start by heading to New York and Vince in the ring, where he announces his co-commentator. Bruno Sammartino? No. Maybe Pat Patterson will do a stint? Nope, not even him.

“The number on actress in the United States today.” Susan St James. She was, and indeed is, married to Dick Ebersol who has been one of the biggest names in American TV, an important executive for NBC, and a personal friend of Vince McMahon. St James was legitimately a big-name American TV actress, earning tons of Emmy Award nominations.

Those credentials do not translate to wrestling commentary, though.

Ray Charles sings America the Beautiful for about seventeen minutes, then Gene Mean says hi from Chicago. Quickly they send it to Piper, who does a characteristically mad promo about Mr T, who he will have a boxing match with in New York’s main event.

First in the ring, we have Mr Fuji and Don Muraco, stars of the wonderful skits such as Fuji Vice on the TNT programme, who will face Paul Orndorff. Orndorff was in the main event as a heel last year, but is now jerking the curtain as a babyface.

Some comments play from each man, but they are not shown in screen, which actually makes it a bit creepy. Susan says her first words on commentary, but frankly I’m watching Orndorff do the ‘slitty eyes’ gesture to the Japanese Mr Fuji. Hmm, how cosmopolitan. They’d probably get sued if he did that now.

Anyway, the fact that I didn’t listen to Ms St James to begin with was a blessing, because she seems to be saying “woah” and “That’s going to make him mad” like a Susan St James doll with a pull string in the back.

Orndorff has a wristlock applied for several minutes, to which our expert suggest he is “using some ancient Chinese techniques”. Erm, ok, if you say so Susan.

The match is pretty slow. Two (allegedly) jacked up guys who are not very mobile. Eventually they spill to the outside and get counted out. Paul throws a chair into the ring, prompting Vince to suggest he might get DQ-ed. But he doesn’t, apparently, notice Howard Finkel in the ring, because this one is over – double count out.

Howard takes a week to announce the decision, while the crowd chant bullshit. Vince panics, and sends it backstage to Mr T, along with Joe Frazier and a midget. T is talking rubbish, and Finkel now gives the verdict over the top. This hasn’t been the most technical show so far.

Next we have IC title action, with George “the Animal” Steele challenging Macho Man Randy Savage for the gold. It’s the old-fashioned “idiot babyface love beautiful valet of nefarious heel” story. Susan is really up for this, explaining how Macho Man needs to be taught a lesson and that she is rooting for the animal.

She has, by the way, added “uh-oh” to her pull-string vocabulary, and as the simian-like Steele gnaws on, well, the boot of Macho Man, she utters the immortal lines “Yey, George, eat her leg.” I actually miss Gorilla’s lateral collaterals and all that jazz.

If you are upset that I am not talking about wrestling, it’s because very little is happening, and Susan St James is so staggeringly inept. To be fair, she is stunningly out of the depth, and she shouldn’t be blamed for not calling wrestling very well. I’d be no good on the runways of Milan during fashion week, but no-one would ask me to.

Anyway, as I type, George Steele has ripped up the turnbuckle pad and eaten some of it, then rubbed it in Savage’s face. Very little action. Meanwhile, the “Uh-oh” level has gone through the roof.

Steele is distracted by Elizabeth, allowing Randy to capitalise, and even hit his big elbow. Steele kicks out, but Savage soon pins him using the ropes. The Animal attacks another turnbuckle and the ref, and we’re done.

Over to Chicago, where Atlanta Falcon’s footballer Bill Frenic calls John Studd “the dud”, and the big man proves he’ll win a wrestling match by squashing a football.

Back to Vinny and Suse, who seem to have armchairs. Seriously, armchairs. Like its a daytime chat show. Next up is George Wells, and he will face a man keeping the anuimal theme going, Jake “The Snake” Roberts.

And this is more like it. The match is pretty high octane from the start, with Wells looking good, including an impressive headscissor-like takedown. Jake cuts him off with a thumb to the eye. One knee-lift and a DDT later, and this is over.

Jake pours his python over Wells, and Vince and Susan make all kind of noises to indicate that they disapprove.

Or do they? Maybe those grunts and groans mean something else is going on inside that commentary box. “Put that thing back inside it’s bag” Says Susan. Is she talking to Vince?

“Does he remind you of anyone you know, Susan?” Says Vinny Mac. Maybe he is talking about a snake. Who knows?

Vince throws it to Jesse in LA, who is with Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster is sporting the worst bandanna/headband I have ever seen. They play up the fact that Hogan’s ribs are hurt, but Hulk says he’ll be fine, essentially.

From LA and Hogan to NYC and......Joan Rivers? Ok, whatever. Rivers says this is wonderful, just incredible. She does this apparently from a position standing on a roundabout. She is guest ring announcer, it seems, and she introduces the judges......eventually. Also some guy called Herb, who I think was from an advert in the States for Burger King or Wendys or something.

When you think of how slick proceedings are for WWE events these days, this looks so shoddy it is untrue. Joan Rivers doesn’t know who people are, the commentators speak over her, there is no music for the participants to emerge to, Mr T was shown while Piper was getting announced – general chaos.

The match isn’t wildly better. It’s one thing to work an arm bar or learn how to receive a suplex, and sell it to make it look as though it hurts. When you have to make it look like a legit boxing contest, with essentially a wrestler and an actor, it isn’t so easy.

It is basically a hugging contest with the occasional weak punch. Piper tries a few heel tactics such as hitting T when the ref is trying to separate them, but the crowd aren’t that keen on Mr T. Midway through round two Piper (sort of) lands some blows and down goes T. These people are cheering Piper. A “Roddy” chant starts up.

Round ends, and during time Bob Orton, seconding Piper, throws water over T. Round 3 sees a comeback, with T landing a huge left which causes Piper to powder. One other knockdown (although Roddy just sat in a neutral corner, really)means T has two knockdowns, so Vince starts playing up the idea that one more ends the match.

Round four starts with Piper throwing his stool (the one he sits one, not the dirty one) at T, and they start trading punches without covering up. Piper soon throws the ref down and bodyslams Mr T. It’s chaos.

And Susan says “Uh-Oh”

That’s it for NYC, and we’re with Gorilla, who will be commentating with Gene Mean. Or will he, we now have Cathy Lee Crosby, in an outfit that Max Moon and Techno Team 2000 both rejected. Another American TV actress, this time one that says “this is my first ever wrestling match in person” – we have quite the expert.

We start with Velvet McInitye v Fabulous Moolah, and it lasts but a short while. Moolah wins after Ms McInyre misses a splash, and then covers her in a very worrying manner. If you are watching the footage along with this review, you will see just how bizarre this image is.

Gene Mean, in between matches, asks Cathy Lee what she thinks about the upcoming Wrestlers v Football players battle royal because “Cathy Lee, you’ve been aligned with a football player or two.” I have no idea of Ms Crosby’s relationship history, but Gene seems to be suggesting she is sleeping her way through the NFL. How nice.

Flag match next, with Corporal Kirchner getting the biggest reaction of the night so far for interrupting Nikolai Volkoff’s rendition of the Soviet anthem. Not enough people sing their own anthems any more. Maybe Koslov could try that.

Kirchner emerges to the strains of the Army Goes Rolling Along song that I know better from Hoover adverts, and makes short work of Volkoff. Nikolai’s manager Freddie Blassie throws his charge a cane, but the Corporal intercepts, and larrups the Russian with it. The ref was down, by the way.

The Flag match rules just mean that Kirchner is allowed to wave his flag by way of celebration. It has to be reiterated that the crowd go wild for this win.

Gene Mean takes over the ring announcing duties for the battle royal. Firstly, he announces a lady called Clare Peller, who has one line to say, and fails to say it into the microphone. Dick Butkus and Ed “Too tall” Jones are introduced as guest referees. What a great nickname, that is. “Too Tall”. I bet they were up all night thinking of that one, his team mates.

“Hey, this Ed Jones guy, what shall we call him?”
“Maybe we could call him shorty?”
“Nah, he’s too tall.”
“Yeah, that’s the one! We’ll call him Too Tall.”

The combatants are announced by Gene Mean, and I’m afraid I can’t keep up with all the footballers, but from the wrestling side of the equation we have Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi (interestingly Tony Atlas immediately preceded Arcidi to the ring. Arcidi at this point was billed as the strongest man in the world), Danny Spivey (Waylon Mercy), Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (Haku), Iron Sheik, B. Brian Blair, Jim Brunzell, Big John Studd, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Bruno Sammartino and Andre the Giant.

William Perry, of the Chicago Bears, in announced second to last. “The Refrigerator”, as he was known, was one of the biggest stars of Pro Football in the 80s, and the Bears had just won the Superbowl, so this was a clever piece of booking. Perry is one of the celebrity inductees in the WWE Hall of Fame (with Pete Rose) and was a big deal here.

A footballer and Haku are gone first, as commentary is provided by Ernie Ladd, also a hall of famer. Bruno slings another footballer, while Andre and Studd lock up in a rematch from last year. Brunzell is next to go, and meanwhile it should be pointed out that Cathy Lee is doing a far better job than Susan St James. Mainly because she knows to say very little apart from wonder about how big people are or say “look, they’re out.”

Perry eliminates Atlas to a big cheer, and Morales takes a footballer out and goes himself. Hillbilly Jim throws Arcidi, and Sheik drops the shoulder on “Golden Boy” Spivey. The Iranian then topples Hillbilly and Brian Blair. Iran, Number one!

Studd gets rid of Fralic, who he faced off with on camera earlier. Bruno gets rid of Sheiky, but the camera misses it. Seven guys left – a footballer, Andre, Studd, Bruno, The Hart Foundation and Perry.

Bruno is next out thanks to Big John, and a big tackle by the Fridge knocks Bret and Anvil over the ropes, but not to the floor. Studd gets rid of Perry, and Perry offers a hand of friendship. Double cross, and Perry pulls Studd out.

The sole remaining footballer is called Russ Francis, it seems, and Andre gets tied up while Francis is beaten by Bret and Anvil.

They sling Russ, and it’s two on one. Andre, of course, is man enough to hold both Hart Foundation members off. Andre hits a big boot and Neidhart takes the most stupid bump over the top you’ve ever seen. Andre then lifts Bret over and throws him onto Anvil. Andre wins.

That was fun. It wasn’t superb, but the crowd ate it up, especially the sideshow involving Perry. Andre built a career on winning Battle Royals, so it’s fitting he got to win one at Wrestlemania.

Back to Vince and Susan (oh joy) who are with Piper. They’d obviously realised at this point that you can give Piper air time for as long as is necessary and he’ll just go off on one. Standard cocky heel rhetoric really, but when Piper does it, it is simply more entertaining than most.

Back in Chi-Town, a footballer from the Bears says he got cheated, while the Iron Sheik talks his usual sense. He’d have won f Nikolai was there, he says.

Next up, it’s a tag team match, pitting Luscious Johnny Valiant’s team of Brutus Beefcake and Greg Valentine. They are champs here. Poorly piped in Rule Britannia signals the fact that the opponents are the British Bulldogs. Their manager is Capt Lou, and they have Ozzy Osbourne with them.

Gene Mean says that Ozzy is from Manchester (he is from Birmingham). Monsoon asks if that is where Lord Alfred is from. Gene says that’s Windermere. In fairness, Lord Alfred was billed from Windermere, but was actually from Luton. At least he went to school in Luton. I know this because it’s where my entire family are from.

Anyway, back to the match, and the incomparable Dynamite Kid is all over Valentine. Dynamite, real name Tom Billington, was light years ahead of his time. So great to watch.

This is a fun match. A proper tag affair with the momentum switching from one side to the other. Eventually the heels get the upper hand, with sporadic comebacks keeping the crowd alive. Gene Mean says “At ringside Ozzy Osbourne is literally shaking” – that will be some sort of downer he is on, I would expect.

Dynamite tags Bulldog in, who hits the running powerslam, but I guess it’s before he was an established finisher, because the Hammer kicks out and nothing much is made of it.

Hammer goes for a pin but pulls Davey up before the three, in another heel manoeuvre you see little of nowadays. Soon, the match is over, but in a strange way. Dynamite climbs up a rope or two, and Davey manages to fling Greg into the corner. Valentine and Dynamite slam heads, Davey covers, and it’s three. Wow. That was unexpected.

General nonsense from Albano, stoned out one-liner from Ozzy, then Davey Boy promises they;ll stay in America. Of course you will, you moron, you’re the champs, you can hardly bugger off home now.

Back to Vince for a moment, and Susan expresses her love for that last match in a voice I would imagine a castrated Road Warrior Hawk to speak in. Vince asks her who’ll win the main event. She says “Well, Hulk, come on. For sure. Definitely.” Wow, Susan must have been in the booking meeting.

Vince’s eyes are all over the place, and I get the feeling he is being told to stall in his headphones. Vince must hate that – people being annoying in headphones is not his style, I wouldn’t think.

Jesse Ventura welcomes us to LA, and he has Elvira, a glamourous, risqué character of the time. She has a low cut dress on, showing off her obvious charms. Ironically, the other side of Jesse is Lord Alfred, who was a big tit.

Ricky Steamboat takes on Hercules Hernandez first off, and it’s always a pleasure to watch Steamboat. He has a scarf tied around his knee, and Elvira shows she is playing heel a little, suggesting it makes Ricky look like “a wimp”. Jesse agrees, and seems happy that he might have something to work with here.

Impressive early stuff from Steamboat, before a cheap one from Hercules turns the tables. The match slows right down so he can hit some power moves and build some sympathy for The Dragon.

Herc goes aerial and flies into Steamboat’s knees, so Ricky dives up top and hits his signature flying bodypress. A very quick count and it’s over. Jesse bemoans the fast count, and he’s right. Lord Alfred says that the ref could have counted four.

A cut on the DVD there, as maybe a local promotion spot or something was deliberately left out.

In the ring is Adorable Adrian Adonis, resplendent in a dress and make up. The crowd chant “Faggot”. Oh, these were enlightened days, weren’t they? Orndorff making fun on Mr Fuji’s eyes, Piper talking about blacking up and now ‘faggot’ chants. Hmmm. Thank God we’ve moved on (well, most of us. WWE are a little bit behind on occasions)

Adonis will face “Uncle Elmer”, who is one of a proliferation of Hillbillies that abounded at this time. Like most of them, he had no talent. Adonis was a huge man, but could bump like a mad thing, and the opening exchanges look ridiculous as Elmer hits weak looking Irish whips and punches, one of which is so terrible he falls down himself.

Adonis wins, which is only right, since he was the only worker in the match. Elvira says she never trusts a man in pink legwarmers. That’s a very good rule to live by. Although it’s only really this match and the movie Fame in which that tends to apply.

Elvira suggests it’s a shame that such a big guy (Elmer) has to suffer such pain. Jesse says he doesn’t mind it, and Elvira says “so I’ve heard”. Alfred doesn’t like this flirtation, so coldly (and hilariously) says that he is a wrestler and that’s what he signs up for.

Backstage, it’s Lord Alfred with Hogan, for no apparent reason, because we’ve already seen Hogan talk trash to Bundy once. Hogan still has the same stupid headband/bandanna on, and even Alfred gets bored of him and talks over the last bit of the interview.

Back ringside, Jesse and Alfred (man, he can move quick) talk about The Funk brothers, Terry and Hoss. Hoss is Dory, by the way, and this is the combination who will be indicted into this year’s Hall of Fame class. Not Jimmy Jack. Not Flash, either.

They will face Tito Santana and Junkyard Dog, who start off like the proverbial House of fire. It takes Terry to break up a pin after Tito hits his flying forearm, and then he nails Santana in the back when the future El Matador runs the ropes.

From here its the Funks all the way until Tito gets the hot tag to JYD. Then it’s havoc. Terry Funk starts to show his hardcore colours, taking a big clothesline over the top (no mats on the floor) then gets slammed onto a combination of chairs and tables on the outside. Jimmy Hart gets a slap from the Dog and Tito gets a figure four on Hoss. While the ref tries to get Tito out, Jimmy throws Terry his megaphone, and the younger Funk smacks JYD with it. The fans chant ‘bullshit’ as the Funks get the win. Terry would be gone a few weeks later.

More Hogan stuff, as they are really bigging up his back and ribs injury. They show footage of Bundy attacking Hogan on Saturday Night Main Event, and then Hogan working out in his private gym. It now seems a bit overkill, but it shouldn’t be forgotten that Hogan was such a major star at this point that all this was done to make sure there was doubt amongst the Hulkamaniacs that Hulkster might not retain.

Bobby Heenan and King Kong Bundy confidently predict victory in an interview with Jesse Ventura. Vince and Susan waffle for a bit. They are stalling a bit here because of the time taken to set the cage up.

Finally we are ready for the match. The timekeeper is a young actor called Ricky Schroeder, while the ref is Wild Wild West star Robert Conrad.

This is a cage match, and I’ve always thought it odd that these matches have the clause that you can win by walking out the door. Climbing over the top I’d let slide, but through the door? Imagine having a match without a cage that you could win by falling through the ropes.

Hogan is on top early, pummelling with punches, big boots, clothelines and so forth. Bundy catches Hogan in ribs, and from here the formula is Bundy knocks Hogan down and goes for the door, then Hogan fights back. Then repeat process. Bundy pulls Hogan’s bandages protecting his ribs off at one point and Elvira excitedly thinks clothes are being shed.

Hogan comes back and rams Bundy into the bars. Bundy blades and Hogan is all over him. Hulk climbs and chokes Bundy as he goes. Deciding against escaping, he descends and tries to slam Bundy. No dice and he falls back. Lord Alfred makes a logical call and says it was the rib injury that stopped Hogan.

Bundy goes for the door but Hogan chokes him with the bandages. Bundy turns tables and hits an avalanche. Bundy follows up with a splash which is caught by a terrific camera angle. Hogan just makes it to stop Bundy. Second avalanche is met by the Hulk-up eyes. Reversal of a whip into a corner followed by a powerslam. Leg drop, and Hogan ascends the bars. Bundy stops him but Hogan kicks him back down. Heenan stops Hogan, and Bundy crawls for the door. Hulk makes it first, and it’s over.

It, of course, was not a great wrestling match, but it had plenty of excitement. The crowd were completely into it, and it had the right pay off. Hogan bashes Heenan around a bit, and the announcer says “.....of the world, Hulk Hogan.” I assume that should have been “winner, and still champion......” and not “news” or “King” or “His favourite Carpenters song is top......”

Hogan poses while Jesse exclaims disgust. They send it back to Vince and Susan, who says virtually nothing, and this one is over.

The important aspects to look at here are really the developments in character and presentation. This was far inferior to the previous year’s show, but you’ve only got to look at the crowd reactions to certain elements to tell Vince where he needed to go. T and Piper got shit on from a great height by the New York crowd, but anything with Hogan, a celeb with as high a profile as William Perry, and pro-USA sentiment went over big. Steamboat, Savage and Jake Roberts all looked impressive in their encounters, as did the British Bulldogs.

There were far too many boring filler matches, and the celebrity involvement for the most part was embarrassing and made little sense.

Onto Number three, and the Pontiac Silverdome.......