Raw Thoughts - September 1

· Big reaction for the return of Randy Orton. I’m guessing partially because it’s his hometown, but it certainly isn’t for his theme music. That thing is horrible.
· What’s with the mood lighting? Is Orton now aligned with Kane?
· So was that a mini-spoiler, or something to put us off the scent? Orton confronting CM Punk could mean that Punk retains at least until Randy returns. Or it could be just a throwaway segment to remind us all that Orton exists.
· Cole has said Happy Labour Day three times in the opening fifteen minutes. I don’t even know what Labour Day is.
· JOHN CENA IS HERE!!! Except he isn’t, because it’s Charlie Haas doing a very passable Cena impression. His match with Kofi Kingston is short, and King and Cole laugh uproariously throughout. It’s funny, but not as much as they are making out.
· Good bit backstage with Orton firing up Rhodes and DiBiase – perhaps another tease. Remember the talk about a second/third generation faction with these three men and possibly others?
· So we have ECW superstars on Raw. The five men in the ECW scramble face off in a battle royal, but look at them. Finlay, Matt Hardy, Miz, Henry, Chavo. None of these men would be in the top 10 or so stars on Raw.
· Think about it (in no particular order) – Cena, Batista, Punk, JBL, Kane, Mysterio, Jericho, Michaels, Orton. At least nine way bigger than ECW.
· Six Diva tag action – but a very strange order in which they are introduced. Katie Lea and Jillian during the break, then babyface opponents Mickie and Kelly Squared. Next up was (back to heels) Beth, but the sextet (can’t believe King hasn’t thought of calling them a sextet before) is completed by Candice. I thought it was going to be Gail Kim.
· In seriousness, if Candice can continue her improvement before the first time she got injured, and you add her to Mickie, Katie Lea, Beth, Jillian Melina when fit again and Gail Kim when she debuts, that’s a pretty strong female roster. Kelly is improving, and over on Smackdown you have Nattie Neidhart and Victoria (don’t tell me Michelle is anything but awful, because she is, well, awful)
· The Honk-a-Meter may be the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Santino is chasing the Honky Donkey Man. Classic.
· Err, Cole, if Randy Orton being on Raw was rumoured all day to appear on Raw, how was it a “huge surprise”?
· A win for the Italian Karl Pilkington is followed by a lying down trumpet celebration. Santino’s going in the Hall of Fame. He has to!
· Interesting Battle Royal for the Raw brand. Rey coming back post-match gave it a jolt and was a treat for his fans. Batista and Punk were booked cleverly, with The Animal dominating but taking a kick couple of hits to be eliminated. It didn’t make him look weak, but it did give Punk a boost by being the one to oust the big man. Kane winning, like Henry winning earlier, makes good common sense. I’d also go so far as to suggest that these two will definitely not win their respective scrambles on Sunday.
· Finally, more awesomeness from Michaels and Jericho to finish. For your homework assignment, go away and find me an example of a better “go home” interview segment. I’ll be impressed if you can produce one.
· Leaves a lot of things up in the air for Sunday. Could be a really good Pay Per View, but if the scrambles don’t work, then proceedings are hinging hugely on Jericho and Michaels coming through.

Unforgiven? Unfullin' more like.......

12.58am
Its mere seconds before yet another WWE Pay Per View, and as is customary I am trying to decide whether I should be looking forward to it or not; how high my expectation level should be. Although, I should note, here in the UK this is a free show.

I think the performance level, the match standards, will be generally average. Cena and Orton told a great story last time, and with competitors like CM Punk, Elijah Burke, Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, Triple H, Carlito, MVP and Matt Hardy on the undercard, you’re looking at a decent quality of performer. But no matches jump at you as being set for a classic.

I also think that a few title may change hands, including maybe Cena and Khali giving up their coveted belts.

01.03am
The video package to open the show is all about the Undertaker. Whomever wins the belt on Smackdown may well face the Deadman sooner rather than later.

Now I think about it, Khali winning the match and retaining the strap makes more sense. Who better to take the belt off him than Taker?

01.07am
The ECW title is so important, apparently, that it will open the show. Elijah Burke, the number one contender, isn’t important enough to even have his entrance televised. Instead, highlights of Punk winning the belt are shown, presumably to an audience who only watches ECW matches when they are on Pay Per View, rather than actually watching the wretched show.

1.17am
Plenty into the opener, a decent match at that. Burke just used rolling German suplexes. Haven’t seen that......oh, right, yeah. I’m saying nothing.

01.20am
CM Punk retains in very solid opener.

I like matches like that, where both guys use some technical moves, and the win comes from an unexpected source. No GTS or Elijah Experience attempts, but a quick roll up for a win.

Very Bret Hart like. Hitman used to wrestle well, take a hell of a beating, sell his ass off, and would actually rarely win with the Sharpshooter. Great stuff from Punk, Burke no slouch either.

01.24am
Haha, Cole looks a moron as he so often does. He referred to Smackdown 6 weeks ago about 0.63 of a second before ‘7 weeks ago’ popped up on a bracket. Anyway, a small matter, as we are about to see MVP/Matt Hardy v Deuce & Domino.

JBL describes the tag pairing of Porter and Hardy being like Mother Teresa and Britney Spears teaming up. I hope not. Vignettes of Matt Hardy talking to sick people around the globe will be Ludvig Borga-like in boredom, and I sure as hell don’t want to see MVP coming out of his little inflatable entrance with no underwear on. I was never confused.

01.30amThe tag title match is well underway, with Matt and Montel antagonising each other, but dominating the match. This could be against anyone really.

I believe it is Domino in the ring right now. I don’t care for his wrestling, but his Pizzas aren’t bad. He tastes them himself, you know. Only the other day I heard that Deuce saw him munching on Cherry’s pie. Said it tasted of Anchovies.

01.37am
Well, I nearly got that right. I thought MVP would properly desert Matt, but they decided to keep the belts on the ‘dysfunctional duo’. And aside from predicting wrongly, I don’t mind, because these two play their roles well, and I find them probably the most entertaining thing on Smackdown.

Game/Carli next.

01.44am
Triple H is out first – are we going for faces first tonight in every match? Unusual.
I decide to look up ‘Genibus Nitito Canus’, which basically means “On your knees, dog”. So, that’s how he proposed to Stephanie.

(NOTE: That’s a bit harsh, and yes I did write that for the cheap gag. I would like to point out that regardless of creative, backstage decisions, if Stephanie didn’t have a ridiculous set of implants and a ‘nails on a chalkboard’ voice, she’d be the most attractive female in the company.
Except Maria, I love Maria.)

01.54am
JR has just referred to Carlito’s prolonged use of Trash cans in this match by calling young Colon a ‘carribean Garbageman’. Now that is a missed gimmick if ever I saw one.

Duke “The Dumpster” Gonzalez.

01.56amThe thing is sealed with a low blow. Which, incidentally, is how Stephanie accepted the proposal (look, I can’t help it, ok?).

Triple H finishes the match with a Pedigree, and with the WWE in the midst of Drugs controversy, ends up with white powder all over his face.

“Hello, is that United States congress?”

02.00amWe are a third of the way through the allotted time, and I would like to report the lack of Leprechauns thus far.

Batista cuts a generic promo about getting his title back. Maria does the interviewing, and looks amazing as always.

Then comes a shot of Candice followed by Beth Phoenix. Making Maria look even better.

02.02am
Ah, maybe I have it. It isn’t faces that get announced first, its winners. Beth is out first here.

Here comes Techno Candice. I just don’t get what they are trying to push on us with Candice. A year after the original retired, they are blatantly trying to copy the formula that made Trish as popular as she was. Or maybe its a female John Cena?

But, as nice as I’m sure Candice is (by all accounts, she is a very sweet and hard working person) Trish had a better personality, had better promo skills, worked effectively as face or heel, and could wrestle. Looks department you can argue all you like, but I’d take Trish in that category too. Add in the fact that Candice bumps like a Marshmallow falling on a cushion, I’m not convinced.

02.04am
Liechtenstein alert.

02.12am
Oh, come on! I’m hoping that the lack of title changing activity thus far is an indication that we’ll see some further down the line tonight.

To be fair, although I’m annoyed that Candice won, the match was ok by usual standards, with a decent wrestling counter to finish. But it just isn’t believable that Beth wouldn’t destroy Candice.
02.15am
Cool piece of imagery as Khali crushes a masked cantaloupe representing Rey Mysterio and a Watermelon supposed to symbolise Batista. Punjabischoff then goes into a bizarre chant somewhat resembling Cassius Clay’s “Ali Bumbaye!” chant.

You can do your own McMahon/Hornswaggle/Grapefruits joke.

02.32am
Holy Spinebusters, we have a new champion. You know what they say, 236th time lucky.

Batista wins a typical triple threat, and one assumes a Rey v Batista friendly rivalry programme will now take place.

To be fair, it was pretty good this, considering the limitations provided by the line up. I’m just glad that the belt is off Khali, but Smackdown is really starved of a top heel. Batista, Rey, Taker, Kane, Flair all are high on the babyface list. Its only Khali and Henry on the other side really.

02.36am
Bastard – there’s that darn leprechaun. So we get to see the McMahon (little and large) on RAW. Cool. Forgive me if I am not trembling with excitement.

02.40am
Triple H encounters Batista backstage, and they share a moment over the title. I wonder if that’s the last time we see a former member of evolution with a belt tonight.

02.42am
Tag team titles with Londrick and, erm, Maid?

02.54am
Reasonably standard tag team fare from these two, but that is not meant as a criticism. Very solid, but again unspectacular.

I don’t want to sound like a stuck record, but WWE PPVs consistently fail to produce enough great matches and/or shocks. The thing is, with another on 3 weeks away, we’ll probably get a very similar car for No Mercy.

Cena and Orton have to deliver, big time.

3.15am
Err...........I make it 45 minutes before three hours is up. Cena is DQ-ed for punishing Orton too much, and post-match Cena Senior kicks Orton square in the mush.

Is that it?

Oh yeah, Taker match. I kid you not I thought that was show over, I was starting a rant about the show not delivering.

Maybe something big is going to go down in the Taker match? Nah, probably more likely to be a way of finishing the show with a Taker win rather than a crappy DQ ending. ]

3.39am
Apparently, according to JBL, what Mark Henry has was given to him by God.

How long has God been issuing ten year contracts?

03.45am
Oh, the Undertaker won, quelle surprise.
Just how stupid is Henry? “He tried to powerbomb me and I blocked him. I rule all. I know, I’ll climb to the middle rope so as to advance the process a couple of stages”. Just so, so poor.

Michael Cole closes the show, and among his last words tonight are “Don’t be afraid, be terrified”.

Oh, I am Mikey Boy. I’m terrified that next month I’ll have to pay actual money to watch this garbage.

Poor, poor show, because if you go by the fact that the two last matches are the main and semi main, they were very dull and left us very unfulfilled.

I will not be forgiving the WWE in a hurry for that.

Live Great American Bash notes

12.54am
The best result of the night so far – I thought it was on Box Office – just went to order it, and it’s free! I don’t have to pay for the Pay Per View I am least looking forward to for my whole life.

01.02am
Hype video time, and the intro says that the Bash is an ‘American tradition’. Now Cole says it’s a ‘Sports Entertainment Tradition’. It’s traditionally shit, is what it is.

01.08am
The bell rings on what could very well be the highlight of the night. Risky step to throw what could be your strongest card in first.

01.21am
Terrific early spot where Matt Hardy attempted to roll through to counter an armbar and MVP rolled through to counter the counter. Followed up by a perfect plancha by Matt. The match was a little disjointed at time during the middle, but was well served in making each man look good, keeping them even.

The rolling pinning combination MVP did on 12 minutes was superb, and I bought the schoolboy ending shortly after when Porter missed the boot JBL kept on about.

Disappointing ending in the sense that the boot and playmaker looked sloppy, but solid opening contest generally, and pleasing to see it go nearly 14 minutes.

01.22am
JBL, for the second time, compares MVP to FedEx, because he always delivers. In my experience, that means MVP delivers, not always in the right time limit, and if you want a match you struggle to get hold of his agent, can’t get the paperwork right and then you may turn up at the wrong address.

01.24am
Dustay (sic) delivers on the stick. Quelle surprise. I wonder if the only reason why Dusty often appears on screen with his offspring is to prove he isn’t gay. He is as camp as a row tents, isn’t he?

Actually, no he isn’t, as he’ll prove in the bull rope match, when he dresses as a cowboy, and pulls off the chaps.

01.28am
Cruiserweight open next, and it occurs to me that Funaki hasn’t been an announcer in years, but still has SmackDown on his tights.

01.35am
Right, I’m declaring the prediction void. Err……..Hornswoggle is the Cruiserweight champion? In a bizarre twist, Finlay little bas……I mean sidekick, takes Chavo’s strap. When he did a cameo at the start of the match, I thought it was maybe setting up Rey Mysterio coming from under the ring to cost Chavo the belt. Instead, a leprechaun now holds the (pot of) gold.

Leprechauns can win titles – what a load of cobblers.

01.40am
Have you noticed how Sandman is in the midst of a push with no victories? Here he comes, through the crowd, sans beer, ready to face Carlito. No beer? Maybe Carlito had taken the beer out of the fridge. That’s not cool.

Just wondering, is Sandman/Carlito/Regal the first ever three-way feud featuring solely Southpaws?

01.49am
Are you keeping track folks? So far, that’s a Cruiserweight title match won by someone not in the match, and a Singapore Cane match where precisely no can shots were landed.

01.52am
Sometimes JR staggers me in the levels of excessive hype he uses. Candice Michelle, en route to the ring to face Melina, is said to be receiving a ‘tremendous ovation’ a nice ripple of enthuasism, maybe. A frisson of excitement, perhaps. Not a tremendous ovation. Then, she is the best women’s champ in recent years This is correct.

Except Trish, Mickie, Melina, Victoria, Molly, Lita, Jazz, Gail Kim, Ivory, Jacqueline and Chyna.

She’s better than Harvey Wippleman though. Just.

2.00am
Candice has won, and now she is ‘arguably the most beautiful women’s champion ever’. Ok, better, but still inaccurate.

I’ll take Trish, Mickie, Melina and Molly before Candice. Dusty took Wippleman.

2.03am
Candice, water, dancing, Simmons, Damn, etc.

2.18am
A surprisingly good IC title match. Another genuine false finish when Jeff hit the Swanton, but Umaga ultimately taking it. Jeff Hardy is a maverick. Sometimes he looks sluggish and unfocussed, and sometimes he appears on top of his game. This match was the latter, and he make Umaga look devastating while at the same time looking good himself. Kudos to whoever booked the details of the match.

2.25am
ECW @ the GAB for the first time. If Morrison just bails on the match, is he taking the Safeway out?

2.32am
If anyone needed any evidence as to why it is important that characters are built up on TV shows to get people over, watch the ECW title match back again. Given seven minutes, the match had no heat, no crowd reaction as near as the Matt/MVP match, and not even nearly the same league as Umaga/Jeff. CM Punk could and should be a big star, but he cannot do it on ECW.

2.43am
The two or three minutes of build up to this match, with Orton building heel heat and Dusty playing to the crowd generates more noise than any part of the ECW Title bout.

2.48am
Almost to disprove my above two points, Orton applies a chinlock for about 3 minutes.

2.49am
Orton wins a match which made Melina/Candice look like Flair/Steamboat, but as expected, Cody makes an appearance to further his development, and Orton looks like a ruthless bastard.

2.57am
And here is Kane. Its some situation where he is the high flying mobile one, isn’t it?

3.01am
JBL says he doesn’t think one man can beat Khali. What is Cena then, an automaton?
Oh, and while I’m giving JBL announcing tips, maybe you should try saying “Ball Game” a bit more.

3.17am
I’ve got it. Putting that abysmal match on will make the two golden boys, Cena and Lashley, look that bit better. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for the WWE that people keep getting injured all over the place, but that was as bad as it comes. Khali wins? They really, REALLY, hate Batista.

3.30am
Something I never budgeted for was the fact that the crowd would be split down the middle for these men. Definite mixed reactions for both guys.

3.44am
To be fair, that was not bad at all. Not a classic, and certainly not the most fluent, but I’ll give them a lot of credit for putting together a well told story, with plenty of near falls and close finishes. Fair play for booking a clean win for Cena too.

3.46am
Handshake? Yes. That suggests to me that these two are done. The future? Send Lashley to Smackdown to conquer the Great Khali, and lets see Kennedy get in Cena’s face.

The Bash? Better than Vengence, better than expected, but still a ‘must do better’ verdict for the slack build up, preparation and booking for yet another WWE PPV.

Back, with a Vengeance reaction

OK, so I’ve had some time to ponder last night, and collate my thoughts a little. I’m still feeling very deflated about the whole Vengeance PPV, and the WWE in general.

In my mind, of the nine matches, one was good (Edge v Batista) four were average (Hardys v Cade & Murdoch, Nitro v Punk, Chavo v Yang, MVP v Flair) one was barely a match (Umaga v Marella) Two were below par (Candice v Melina, The main event) and one was beyond dreadful (Deuce/Domino v Snuka/Sarge)

That’s an appalling return for Pay Per View which I was looking forward to, especially the main event which was so poor considering the talent and potential in the ring. If any of you saw TNA’s Slammiversary last week, the King of the Mountain title match was a great spectacle, a quality concept and really well put together. The WWE’s main event didn’t even come close to the efforts of Joe, Styles, Cage, Angle and Harris.

I’m fairly confident that Raw tonight will be better than Vengeance. I know that isn’t hard, but the annoying thing is, I bet Vengeance got a lot of people to purchase the PPV because of Benoit/Punk and the fiveway title match, and many of these people will become disillusioned about getting another PPV if this is what you get for your money.

When Raw is the following day and also a 3 hour show, as it was a fortnight ago, you wonder whether Pay per Views lose their edge and appeal.

I would definitely advocate cutting back dramatically on the amount of Pay Per View shows. Less could well be more, and I’m not begging for TNA to pick up a second hour and start pushing WWE a little bit. It might frighten them into action, like what happened when WCW went into overdrive.

There is only one company who resemble WCW circa 2000 at the moment, and it’s the company based in Stamford.

Guys, I want your thoughts. Please leave your comments below, because I do wonder if I am too scathing sometimes. I’ll get back to you on all feedback.

Vengeance: Blight of Champions

1.00am
Hi all, its Vengeance time. As I type this, the opening montage is on, running through the card, and I’ve just read on a news site that Benoit may miss the show tonight. I jinxed the England Under-21s this week by saying it would be a Serbia-England final on Football365, I’m praying that me saying that Benoit/Punk is the match I am looking forward to more than any I can remember of late, isn’t going to scupper it.

1.04am
Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham, former Tag Team champions, are shown in the audience, and a flashback of them competing in 1985 is shown.

Funnily enough, no sign of them wrestling as Captain if a ship, IRS, The new Blackjacks or The Stalker. How strange.

1.06am
So it’ll be The Hardys and Cade & Murdoch to open. I like Cade and Murdoch, I think Cade especially could have a bright future, but damn, they aren’t over at the moment. In fact, their logo comes from a branding iron, and they should carry one to the ring – it’s the only way they’ll get any heat. Boom. And indeed, boom.

1.16am
Wow. 0 for 1 for me, as Cade & Murdoch get it done against the Hardys. Reasonably clean as well. One would think that Londrick will be next up for C&M, and that the Hardys will go back their respective brand and prepare for government – I mean, prepare for singles pushes.

1.19am
A Summerslam advert, and basically confirmation that the Jackass crew will indeed be part of the August PPV. So, a TV show where ordinary people hurt themselves in very, very stupid ways.

Oh, don’t try this at home, by the way…………

1.22am
A strange juxtaposition, as a clip of the late Eddie Guererro winning the World title from Brock Lesnar at No Way Out 2004. Nice memories.

So out comes Chavo, Eddie’s nephew, as a heel. Hmm.

1.23am
Jimmy Wang Yang (even less reaction than Cade & Murdoch) is now battling Chavo, and JBL is going through the legendary Guerrero family. Gory Guererro, grandfather of Chavo, is mentioned. His dad, Chavo Classic, a former Cruiserweight champion and a man who tagged in Houston with Mil Mascaras.

No mention of Hector Guererro, who portrayed the Goobledy Gooker. Funny that.

During this match, we’ve so far has references to Mascaras, the man of a thousand masks. Also Dean Malenko, the man of a thousand holds. I’m waiting for a reference to Vince McMahon. Man in a thousand pieces.

Christ, its like Tenpole Tudor have turned up. (kids, I’d google that one if I were you, I can’t be bother to explain it. The match is decent, by the way, so far.)

1.33am
Chavo wins.

Now you won’t get many overtones about this being a 5-star classic, or indeed anyone remembering it in more than about 3 months time. However, I’d like to point out how well this match was booked and performed, because for much of it Yang had no reaction to anything, but by dropping in highspots like a flying bodypress (nearfall) and moonsault (missed) the crowd got into it, and when Jimmy reversed the Gorybomb in a sunset flip, the nearfall elicited a big gasp from the audience. Good matches tell a good story, and manipulate audience reaction. Good job here.

1.39am
6 minutes of Vince related filler, and actually some good stuff, studying the last movements of the chairman, and even teasing a ‘major breathrough’ tomorrow night on Raw.

1.41am
Damn it. Damn it, damn it. I wish I knew someone called Janet and I’d say it to her.

Benoit didn’t make it. There’s a massive “We want Benoit” chant in the arena, as CM Punk is taking on Nitro. No-one’s fault, I sincerely hope Chris and his family are ok, and that whatever the situation forcing him to miss this show, it not too serious in the longrun.

The trouble is, I don’t think either of these guys are ready for the title yet. Lets just hope for a decent match.

1.50am
Johnny Nitro, former winner of Tough Enough, wins the ECW title. A clean win over CM Punk, no less, is how he got there.

If Benoit is back by Tuesday, he will kill him. They will want Benoit to carry this belt for a while, and him taking it off Punk on an ECW show is pointless. He’ll take it from Nitro, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see a Nitro, Benoit, Punk triple threat on PPV.

1.55am
Here comes Ricky Steamboat, and JR & King talk about his match with Savage at Wrestlemania 3, and his series of encounters with Ric Flair.

Not when they dressed him up in orange wings and pretended he could actually breath fire.

1.57am
Its Santino v Umaga, and as I ponder where Estrada is these days, it strikes me that it perpetuates the “Umaga is a lunatic” idea. I smell a DQ.

2.01am
I swear I wrote the above paragraph before the match.

But come on. That was a really, really pissweak DQ finish. It was a few right hands in the corner, something you see in virtually every match and which is allowed to happen. Utter crap

The funniest thing was that Umaga was cheered as a face after the event. He was cheered when he attacked Santino post-bell, and when he looked as his thumb to symbolize the spike, I think it was as big a pop as I’d heard all night. The people then chanted “One more time”, and I think were expecting Maria, who had rushed to Santino’s aide, to get it too.

Remember the “kill the clown” chants directed at Doink? That was Santino’s equivalent.

2.08am
Magnum T.A. is announced to the crowd. Wow, that’s some mustache he has on him. Magnum was a good show, but he was crap in Three Men and a Baby. What do you mean, “wrong guy”?

2.10am
Flair v MVP now. This show is dying. We need these two, both very strong hands, to come through. This is the middle match on the show, and apart from the two main title matches, we have the Womens title and a tag team ‘challenge’ where is=f the rumours about the participants I hear are true, it’ll be a challenge for the match to anything but stink and for the challengers to be able to run and jump at all.

2.20am
MVP wins, and as I suspected, he played dirty to do so. Fair enough. I have no problems with this match at all. It was tight, it didn’t expose either man, it had a logical conclusion.

So far we’ve had four out of five heel wins, and the babyface victory was Santino, who didn’t really look like a champion. Also, apart from the ECW title, which was vacant, we’ve had no title changes thus far.

2.25am
They show Rick Martel and Tony Garea in the crowd. My God, what will happen if a backstage fight breaks out. That’s Garea job to sort it out!

The showed them winning the tag gold from The Wild Samoans. They didn’t show Rick Martel spraying Jake Roberts in the eye with perfume, and have a match with sacks on their head.

2.29am
Yep, at a combined age of 112, its Sarge and the Superfly, with the only interesting story being that Deuce is in fact the adopted son of Jimmy Snuka.

I thought it was going to be two Majors, and instead I got a Sergeant.

I’d have had The Iron Sheik on commentary for this one, that’d been priceless.

2.37am
Garea and Martel shockingly (!) get involved after Deuce and Domino win then beat down the legends. The combined age of the people in the ring now goes past 200. At least there is something on the show older than my jokes.

2.47am
Long period of build up and intro, including Harley Race at ringside. They have shown former champions of every belt thus far, and it’s the Women’s title next. It will be probably be Moolah, but I’m begging for it to be Harvey Wippleman!

Edge and Batista III then which, if it’s a feud blow-off and there is nothing to suggest otherwise, you’d feel would benefit from a stipulation. Maybe 2 out of 3 falls or something. After all, their last match was in a cage. Maybe Adam Copeland thought “Edge inside Cage” sounded like a gay slur about him and his best friend, the former TNA champion.

3.05am
Hooray! A good match. Finally. Great action, back and forth, and the more I watch Edge the more impressed I become. I was very hasty in predicting Batista to win this, because I’d say Edge is THE best all round performer in the company at the moment. He deserves that belt more than anyone.

People will slate the end of the match, but I liked it. The fake DQ and restart has been done loads of times, but I thought the count-out finish was creative, it didn’t bury Edge or make Batista look week. Maybe, if they are struggling for a route to go down, they could have Batista assist whomever Edge faces, with the idea being that Batista rids the rated R superstar of the belt, then is a allowed a title shot.

3.10am
Damn, it was Moolah they reviewed. She doesn’t seem to be there. Presumably she and Mae Young are in quarantine after the dog barking routine on Raw the other week.

Two matches to go then – still no title changes, still no face wins.

3.14am
We’re a couple of minutes into Melina and Candice, and the two divas are being very vocal. Lots of grunting and groaning. I bet I won’t hear noises like that on TV until……….well tomorrow, when Wimbledon starts.

Excuse me, I need a Sharapova moment…………….

3.16am
Good lord, that was the last title change and face win I expected. And what a pretty face too. To Candice’s credit, she has improved a great deal of late, and we should remember that Trish was hopeless when she first started, and turned into as good a Women’s champion as there has ever been.

3.30am
For the second time in the space of a week, I’m watching a Pay Per View main event with 5 people vying for a World Title. Lets see how they compare.

3.41am
Hmm. I try and make a joke about the goings on in these PPVs, and I hope you find it at least vaguely entertaining. However, after that short, uneventful, uninspiring, very disappointing main event, which fittingly caps a distinctly poor Pay Per View.

The WWE is in trouble, big time. TNA got its biggest ever rating last week. Admittedly we are talking 1.2 to around about 4.0, but Slammiversary was vastly superior to Vengeance, and if Jeff and Dixie can successfully lobby for 2 hours, I’m begging that people give TNA a try as a genuine alternative, and hopefully it will inspire the WWE creative team to get out of this worrying slump.

I’ll try to get back within a few days to elaborate on my thoughts. Also, keep an eye on www.thesun.co.uk/wrestling, which has had a makeover and will likely feature some of my current thoughts.

Good night, all. I think I probably should have gone to sleep 3 hours ago.

One Night Stand - An Extreme Letdown

1.05am
In 2005, he showed how good he was on the microphone with a great promo. Rumour has it the whole pay-per-view was his creation.

In 2006, he main evented again John Cena, and emerged victorious in front of a rapid, pro-ECW crowd.

How sad then, that if this is his last match, its one with a rubbish gimmick attached to it. I mean, honestly – pull your opponent over a finish line with a stretcher? What is this, It’s a Knockout? Wouldn’t it have meant something for RVD to have his final match in an ECW rules match in front of an ECW crowd……a REAL ECW crowd.

But never mind, I just hope he goes out with a bang.


1.25am
Haha, swerve city! Although I did read a report earlier that Vince may change the finish in order to fool us all, but I’ll admit I didn’t believe it. Maybe we will see Van Dam again.

To be fair, sentimentality aside, this was a great match from the WWEs perspective. It wasn’t quite a Flair/Steamboat classic or a Bret/Bulldog from Wembley. It did, however, elicit great sympathy from the fans for the babyface in peril, RVD, and made Randy Orton look like a complete bastard, which is the longer term aim.

Some great spots too. The fall from the top rope added to the psychology, the rolling thunder into the powerslam was perfect, and both men seemed to work the match very stiffly, which truly lend it an air of gravitas.

The thing that struck me early on was that it was supposed to be extreme rules, as JR, King and other keep reiterating, and yet basically no illegal moves were used, save for a few closed fists. I mean, wouldn’t RVD have gone to get a chair as soon as he got the opportunity?

Anyway, maybe it’s a goodwill gesture, as if to say that if RVD wants to return, they’d welcome him back.


1.30am
The daft CM Punk storyline is painful, as is ECW generally. So far, at least it has yielded a decent Punk/Burke match. I get the feeling this tables match will be organized chaos.

1.33am
AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Why are they starting the match on the apron? A) Its no-DQ, what is going to happen if someone interferes? Nothing. B) Since when was ECW about following rules and guidelines. C) The first table match I saw (non-ECW) was the Hardys v the Dudleys at Royal Rumble 2000. It was tornado tag.

Once again, I repeat: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


1.40am
Fairly short match, booked to showpiece Punk, which is fair enough. However, I’d like to point out that 40 minutes into this pay-per-view, the only pieces of weaponry on show have been items that are part of the matches themselves, except for the Sandman’s cane, which he hit Striker which about as hard as one would tap a spoon on a boiled egg.

1.43am
A sort backstage spot where Orton and Edge basically threaten each other, and Orton manages to get the date of the draft wrong, and do a feeble Goldberg impression. In fact, Randy, remind us long that streak is? 32-0? 125-0? 999-0? In fact, Orton hasn’t lost a match for over 20 minutes. Way to go, Legend Killer.

1.46am
Time for the ladder match. By my maths, that means after this we have the three title matches, Kane/Henry in a concession stand match (for the fans in the arena anyway) and …………….PUDDING!!!!

1.52am
I know JR is a Hall of Famer and all that, but so far he has said that Matt and Jeff are as good in singles matches as they are in tag matches – so they both have 6 world titles do they? – and that a ladder can be used ‘defensively’. How, exactly?

2.06am
This match never got going. Whether we are spoiled by Money in the Bank and TLC matches, I’m not sure, but I just don’t think The Hardys, Benjamin and Haas clicked. Don’t get me wrongly, the bumps taken, by Shelton in particular, were pretty brutal, but as well as being disjointed, it featured Haas slipping when German Suplexing Jeff off the top rope, Benjamin having two mishaps with the ropes within 60 seconds, which I am sure were botched, as well as the most piss-weak double team maneuver I have ever seen, as Haas and Benjamin, did some sort of forward roll hip toss resembling a nine year old gymnastics lesson.

To be fair, I’m probably being way too critical, but I just felt it lacked a little. I bet it was fantastic live though. I shall watch this in a replay with a less critical eye, and will like it, I’m sure. Would have been a hell of a fillip for The World’s Greatest Tag Team to beat the World’s Most Over Tag Team, though. Would then have been good to watch the Hardys chase the titles down, rather than just obliterate their opponents. All the time.

2.07am
I listened to a Khali promo, and tried to pick out English words. I got “On me a catastrophic oblong.” I hear you, buddy. I intend to play “The Khali Game every time from now on. I urge you to too.

2.10am
Lumberjack match now, and I think the only reason they announced the Lumberjacks individually was to play the whole ONS theme song for longer.

If Mark Henry is only 390lbs, then Khali is an inch taller than Hornswoggle, Snitsky is a black guy, and Jillian Hall’s tits are real.

It tells you something about how people get ahead in WWE, when this utter bore-fest, travesty of a wrestling match which made me want to cry, goes ahead, but Carlito, Benoit, Nitro and Chavo are stood on the outside watching.

2.22am
The Match ends as Kane falls asleep. No seriously That’s like David Copperfield getting robbed by a pickpocket.

2.25am
A backstage fight breaks out between The Hardys and TWGTT. Fair enough. I wonder if Tony Garea gets paid extra for appearing on TV to separate these fights.

2.29am
Here comes the Boss. And he has Shane and Umaga in tow.

I can smell the Pudding.

2.32am
Lashley misses his first move. 0 for 1.

2.37am
Jesus, Bobby neds to work on the art o making friends. Not too many folks rushing out to help him right now, is there?

2.43am
That Estrada was useless wasn’t he? Umaga was a mad savage, responding only to the symbolism of breaking a cigar. Two months with The McMahons, and they’ve got him holding trash cans in place and patting the boss’s head.

Speaking of the trash can – it hit Umaga in the head. If wrestling has tought me nothing else, its that Samoans all have heads so hard you cant hurt them. I is confusinged! (sic)

2.45am
Lashley wins, fairly well pud together. All competitors pud in a lot of effort, and credit to them for puddin themselves out. Pudding themselves…….puddin…….PUDDING!

2.51am
After a fun skit with Santino, Maria and Candice (Damn, indeed, Mr Simmons) we’re ready to go. I’m worried about the depth of pudding. Wrestling has had enough bad press, we don’t need items on news programmes worldwide leading with the unfortunate drowning of a diva. Candice and Melina have decent buoyancy aids though.

2.56am
It’s over already. I demand an Iron Woman Pudding match at Vengeance.

3.00am
The cage is lowered, and I’m trying to work out how Edge can retain without Batista losing face. I can only think that Orton will insert himself in the match somehow.

3.25am
A fairly standard cage match, with Edge bumping like a mad thing, and a reasonably logical ending. I like the fact that Edge has now won two matches fairly. Cheaply, yes, but legally nonetheless. I hate it when a heel champion is booked weakly with the belt for no reason other than he isn’t a babyface. To me, he can be a weasel, a whiner and a cheat, but he needs to be a bit of a badass, and a legitimate champion. That way people pay to see them get whats coming to them, and the face looks great for having beaten the guy who hasn’t lost in ages. Remember: ECW = Edge Can Work.

Worth noting that Batista would still make for a reasonably credible challenger, Orton has been build up well, Kennedy and Mysterio aren’t far off returning. The draft could be very interesting.

3.30am
Cena v Khali – this might make the pudding match look like a catch-as-catch-can classic……….

3.41am
Mercifully, as I find myself saying for the second time in 4 weeks, it was short. Just please God, no more of it.

Sorry to be negative about the whole thing, but I cannot in any good faith give a thumbs up to this Pay Per View. Henry v Kane was abysmal, Khali v Cena uninteresting. I have joked about the pudding match, but it was poor fare really. Edge v Batista was fine, but no better than many main events we’ve seen on Raw and Smackdown of late.

Hardys v Haas & Benjamin had its moments, and was probably the best spectacle on the card, although I thought Orton and RVD worked their socks off. Six man tables match was uninspired, and Lashley beating Vince was probably one match too many.

Worth staying up for? Lets just say I’m glad I didn’t have to pay for it.

Extreme-ly glad.

Depending on WWE announcers whims, they often talk of either Hell in a Cell or the Elimination Chamber as being the ‘most demonic structure’ in the federation. These matches can shorten careers, JR & co will tell co. Hear Michael Cole go into hyperbolic overdrive as he insists that the steel can take human form and become ‘a carnivore’. But if you think that these are the most dangerous and extreme matches possible in pro wrestling, think again. I have one word for you.

Pudding.

Yes that’s right, although the most prestigious (only) women’s world title is not on the line on Sunday at One Night Stand, Candice Michelle bids to put one over current champeen Melina.

Could you imagine, back when Joe Frazier was world heavyweight boxing champion, and Muhammed Ali lay claim to the belt, before they went toe-to-toe in The Fight of the Century at Madison Square garden, they had a non-title encounter in a paddling pool filled with junk food?

This may be a sticky situation for champion Melina, who is likely to get her just desserts in a match which is Candice’s bread and butter.

Prediction here says that Candice will win, then get soundly beaten in a title match at Vengeance.

One Night Stand is shaping up to be a strange Pay Per View. Not just because of its name – how can it be a one night stand if it’s the third time you’ve done it? But anyway, from an artistic perspective, heaping stipulations on every match could be tricky. After all, the idea of gimmick matches is really as a feud ender, when ordinary matches couldn’t get it done. To just have a two week Hardys/WGTT programme and then say ‘oh we’ll have a ladder match’ may affect fans expectations further down the line. However, for now, we’ll just concentrate on the PPV.

Aside from the above Pudding match, seven other matches are currently scheduled, all with a certain stipulation added to it.

The most recent, and the least anticipated, will be Kane v Mark Henry in a lumberjack match.

I’ve never understood lumberjack matches. The theory is that it’s dangerous because if you leave the ring there are loads of people there to beat on you, and you get no respite because they throw you back in to your hungry opponent.

In the dim and distant past, George Hackenschmidt didn’t run Frank Gotch over the barrier into the crowd, or backdrop him through the announce table. Today, leaving the ring and changing the complexion of the match, making it easier to watch.

Kane v Mark Henry is going to be difficult enough to watch, let alone with them limited to in ring action. I’ll go for Henry to take this match, due to the seemingly never-ending push to get this overweighted, overrated, boring, bumbling waste of airtime over with the fans. It will never happen. Sometimes I wonder if Mark Henry has incriminating photos of Stephanie or something, and if he isn’t pushed he’ll reveal his secret. And sometimes I just cry quietly.

Since One Night Stand originated as an ECW idea, and features extreme matches, it only seems right to feature the only two remaining individuals who really embody the spirit of the old Ee-cee-dubya. Tommy Dreamer and The Sandman.

These two ‘originals’ will team up with CM Punk to take on the New Breed of Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker and Elijah Burke. Punk and Burke stole the show at the last Pay Per View, Judgment Day, and will be hoping to be in a similar situation this time round.

This is a tough one to call, as I can’t really see the bookers getting behind Dreamer and Sandman (well, they haven’t done so far), but then Punk has been on a bit of a roll. I’ll sit on the fence: this is a good candidate to start the show, and if it does, then I’ll say a face win. Anywhere else on the card, and I’ll go for The New Breed.

You know, it feels hard to even write the initials ECW now. A once proud promotion, although time and nostalgia has made it seem a lot better than it really was, the modern day equivalent, although improving, is a pale imitation of the original. In fact, no it isn’t, it isn’t even an imitation.

There is no doubt that One Night Stand 2005 was one of the greatest Pay Per Views I have ever seen. Several excellent matches, one absolute belter with Tanaka and Awesome, and a killer promo by Paul Heyman were just some of the highlights.

Last year the main event saw Rob Van Dam winning the WWE’s major title from John Cena after RVD cashed in the money in the bank.

In the 2005 show, Van Dam was not an active wrestler on the show due to injury, although he did get involved in a Sabu v Rhino match. He did cut a promo, though, accompanied by Bill Alfonso, in which acknowledged the generally held belief that it was he, Rob Van Dam, who came up with the idea for One Night Stand in the first place.

So how fitting, then, that his contest with Randy Orton will likely be his last for the WWE. His future is subject to much speculation. It has been said for numerous months that he, along with his friend Sabu, was growing tired of competing for Vince McMahon. Censured for drugs offences, both men have been in the WWE doghouse for some time, and with Sabu having been let go, the burgeoning promotion and lighter work schedule of TNA is beckoning them. Other sources tell you that RVD will take some time off then return to WWE.

He could do both. Jeff Hardy had become disillusioned with WWE, joined TNA for a bit, then found his way home. Sabu has already competed for TNA, before it started to gain increased recognition.

In recent times, we’ve seen the departing Trish Stratus and Lita sign off in very different ways. Trish left as a face, (and what a lovely face it is) had her name chanted by the crowd, and won the Women’s title in her final bout. Lita, however, lost and was ridiculed, presumably in keeping with her heel persona.

RVD is a babyface, but I don’t see him leaving with a win. Look for the courageous underdog doing all he can but ultimately failing on Sunday night. Look at it for the WWE’s point of view. You have Randy Orton, a superstar who is over, placed near the top of the card, and logically the next contender to John Cena’s belt, depending on the draft. He has been credited on air with putting HBK on the shelf, and is halfway to doing the same to Van Dam.

On the other hand, some upstart who is still living on past glories in a minor promotion in a bingo hall in Phillie is too much of a big shot to sign a new contract. Who do you put over?

RVD is a supremely talented wrestler, and I sincerely hope that he gets whatever break he needs to recharge his batteries and return to the ring, whether a WWE one or a TNA one, as good as ever.

But he won’t win on Sunday, in the third incarnation of his own creation.

There are three world title matches on the card for One Night Stand. None of which really get me too excited about the show. All are basically rematches from the Pay Per View from a fortnight previous.

I do feel sorry for the WWE, what with their plethora of injuries. Think about it. Triple H, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, Ken Kennedy, Booker T, Rey Mysterio Super Crazy, Shane Helms, are all out at the moment, and apart from the last two, are all main event-level stars.

So I do feel for them having to keep it together in the face of one of the worst injury crises ever, but nonetheless, no-one is going to buy Pay Per Views out of compassion and sympathy. And there really isn’t much to write home about in terms of tempting matches to draw in the punters.

The one possible saving grace may by the Ladder match between the Hardys and Haas & Benjamin. There are a couple of factors to consider here. Firstly, we have seen multi-team ladder matches, major TLC matches, not to mention the money in the bank which both Hardy brothers competed in less than three months ago. This can’t live up to that.

Also, the build up……..well, has there been one? Basically, the WWE-proclaimed-Self-proclaimed World’s Greatest Tag Team watched a match at ringside then fought in an 8 man tag with Nitro & Dysktra against The Hardys and Cade & Murdoch. Common sense says a four-way tag ladder match is the sensible booking, especially considering that Dykstra and Nitro both seem suited to this environment, but I would think the storyline with Cade & Murdoch supporting the Hardys is the reason for keeping them out of it.

Benjamin was awesome in two money in the bank matches, and Haas can go, so I expect this to be the best match of the night. Can’t see the Hardys dropping, maybe Johnny and Kenny will try to assist TWGTT, but Lance and Big Trev will even the score, with the Hardys retaining.

Edge v Batista is the trickiest match to call of all. This is quite simply the only two remaining headliners in the company apart from John Cena (I still don’t consider Lashley a headliner whatever they try to tell me) who are fit. The only other option, potentially, is Chris Benoit, but he hasn’t been considered that highly in a long time.

The problem here is twofold. Firstly, Edge v Ken Kennedy is the obvious, and as I understand, planned, feud upon Mr K’s return. Considering Edge, in the storyline at least, was responsible for Mr. Kennedy losing his Money in the Bank title shot, you’d think that this contest would be Kennedy trying to win the title from champion Edge.

So you keep the belt on Edge then? Don’t want to have a transitional champion again, really, do we? And Edge does deserve his run. Ok…….what happens to Batista? He has been Beaten by the Undertaker, then tried to get the belt back twice more, unsuccessfully, from the Deadman. One attempt at Edge was unsuccessful, although they played up a leg injury. So if Batista doesn’t win this time, then is his credibility sliding somewhat?

I wondered whether the draft will see Batista being placed on the same roster as John Cena, giving us this feud for the first time, really. As I understand it, Kennedy is due back in July, so maybe a month for Edge v Benoit, or they could switch Orton to face Edge, continuing their unfinished business.

Moving away from my fantasy booking, which is clearly me stalling before having to make a prediction, I think Edge will win. To be fair, it is more a latter prediction making me think this, but all of the above has an impact as well.

One final thought on the draft – it is a superb opportunity to draft someone to a show who is returning and could make a big splash, putting a fresh name at the top of the card. Chris Jericho anyone?

I think it is likely that Vince v Lashley will top the bill, so I would expect that John Cena v The Great Khali will precede this, maybe with the Divas match in between the two.

I don’t see this being anything other than Cena winning a short (10 mins?) match after an FU, putting him over as being able to beat a big man, as well as putting him over his shoulders and slamming him to the mat.

Again, this is a match which is not exactly mouth watering, but basically forced upon the booking team. This, I suspect, is a major reason for the draft.

Finally, then, Bobby Lashley v Vince McMahon. Street Fight – which means that at some point Shane and Umaga will get involved. I don’t have any doubt in my mind when I say Bobby Lashley will win. He is a Vince McMahon pet project, and will win this match and the ECW title. The only thing I can’t work out is how.

To me there are three options, I don’t know which is more plausible. This is all assuming that Umaga and Shane will stick their noses in.

Firstly, Lashley overcomes the odds. Theoretically, he has done it once, beating the trio of Umaga, McMahon and McMahon (that sounds like the shittest bunch of solicitors ever, doesn’t it?) at Judgment Day. So the first option here is he just destroys everything and everyone in his path.

Secondly, he wins after a cock up by Team McMahon. Think Vince holding Bobby in position for Umaga, who swings the spike at Lashley, but clocks the Boss. Lashley gets rid of Shane and the Bulldozer, and simply pins Vince. Other options could involve Shane clocking Vince. Whether either of these would lead to dissention in the ranks and even a turn, who knows, but its possible.

Lastly, Lashley (not easy to say) wins by virtue of being saved by someone. So Vince, Shane and Umaga are in the midst of a beatdown, and Lashley is saved by someone in the back. I can’t see this happening, because it would suggest that Bobby can’t get it done by himself, and seemingly the whole point of the feud is to put him over as a bit of a monster.

I’ll go for the first one, tentatively. By the way, because I think Lashley will cap off the show with a win is why I’ve tipped Edge to beat Batista. I can’t see three major babyface title wins, especially when two of them would see the belt changing hands.

Enjoy One Night Stand, I’ll be back with my thoughts early next week.