Raw Number 17

It's the seventeenth ever edition of Monday Night Raw! Huzzah. We start with Our epic trio of Vince, Randy and Bobby, the latter looking fetching in the same bloody horrible lurid orange shell suit jacket as the week previous. We see some footage from the Special Olympics with Randy Savage and the Smoking Gunns on hand.

Vince says we have Razor Ramon on tonight's show. Also, he says Tatanka is on, and is still undefeated. That's interesting, as last week there was a plug for him fighting Giant Gonzales on Superstars. I wonder if they'll tell us (show us?) how that match went, or whether I'll have to google it. There's also an interview with Shawn Michaels and Kamala v Yokozuna says Vinny Mac.

We see the footage from last week of Shawn and Perfect fighting in the street, before the worst actor/commentator/interviewer/presenter in the entire world (Lord Alfred) greets us. Now I cannot do just to what he just said, so here is the entire transcript, and you'll have to imagine it said in a plummy English accent with an odd timbre to it.

"Vincent... (yes, he started with the word Vincent) I couldn't believe my eyes last week, but I certainly couldn't believe them this week. Something happened that you cannot imagine. I saw somebody here before we came on the air, IN DISGUISE! And shortly, you there, on Monday Night Raw, are going to be as surprised as I was, when you find out who it is."

Right, firstly, I take exception that this is a scenario that I "couldn't imagine". How stunted is your imagination if you can't even stretch to this. Second, does he mean they will be surprised to see someone, or surprised at his identity? Because if it's the first, then they won't be surprised because you'll just bloody told them, Alfie Boy, and second, if you just mean they will be surprised at who it is, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO IT IS IF HE IS IN A FLAMING DISGUISE.

Sorry about that, I got a little bit unnecessarily angry there. It was just so badly done. It's actually quite a good idea, but the execution was terrible. Savage and Heenan sell that they want to know what Alfred saw, but it seems we are not going to find out yet. Firstly, we'll get The Smoking Gunns against some jobbers  (Glenn Ruth and Tony Vajda, apparently. The last named sounds like nasty infection, to me.)

The Gunns dominate, as is the point of the match, and the comms chat about what Hayes may have seen. Heenan suggests it was Alfred's first girlfriend, and he can't believe she is 103. The match ends with an astonishing finishing move. Billy flips Ruth over for a back body drop, only for the jobber to be caught by Bart, upside down, and turned into a piledriver. Not a good looking one, either. Ouch. That was extraordinarily dangerous.

Time for another HBK in-ring interview. Shawn says he is a man of word. He told you he'd win the title, and he did. He said he'd defend it, and he did. He also told us he was better than Mr Perfect, and that he took Mr Perfect's best shot, and is still the champ. Vince says he is a reluctant champ, Shawn denies this. He says he fears no man, and will defend against anybody, anywhere, at any time.

At this point, into the ring hops someone in shorts, a hoodie and sunglasses. Shawn assumes it's someone from the crowd. The person disrobes a little and......it's Marty Jannetty! Actually that's a pretty cool surprise. Marty asks Shawn if he is a man of his word, and if he'll defend against him. Shawn is backed into a corner, and the match is set. Wow. I genuinely don't remember this, so I'm intrigued as to what will happen.

Next up it's Razor Ramon, and he'll be squashing which jobber this week? Oh my, it's "The Kid". Not "The Kamikaze Kid". Not "The Cannonball Kid". Just "The Kid". So I think I know where this is going. Let's just watch and see.......

Savage asks about what "The Kid"s name is this week, and after Razor throws the toothpick at him, Randy sarcastically suggests that this is the best he's ever done already. Razor just tosses The Kid around, and the announcers acknowledge how much Ramon is dominating.

Soon, Razor tries a splash in the corner, and misses. The Kid goes upstairs and hits a moonsault to a standing Ramon. It transitions into a cover, and he gets the (say it with me) 1-2-3. The crowd goes nuts and The Kid high-tails it to the outside fearing a reaction from Razor. Razor does freak out, but goes to remonstrate with the announcers. Savage tells Ramon "You got beat", while Heenan declares it was a fast count.

Back after a break, it's Tatanka v Scott Taylor. Yes, that Scott Taylor. He is presumably looking at Tatanka's ludicrous red mohawk and thinking "I can do better than that". Tatanka, it's worth pointing out, had been in WWF nearly 18 months at this stage and was still undefeated. He goes to work on Taylor, as Heenan talks about toilet paper. I'm not kidding, Bobby actually starts talking about how you fold your toilet paper.

To be fair, I don't blame him. I think anyone who looks back fondly on Tatanka is just sugar coating their memories. He is truly dreary to watch. The announcers actually do a lot of talking about Razor's loss and what a shock it was. That's great as it truly makes it feel like an event, like a big deal. They even start mentioning that he might now be called the 1-2-3 Kid.

Taylor makes a brief comeback on Tatanka, but only so that Tatanka can get tanked up and do his big comeback for the win. Off to Gene Mean for a KOTR report, and he too starts by exclaiming about the Kid's upset. Good stuff. He also tells us that as well as Hogan v Yokozuna, it's Bret v Razor, Duggan v Bam Bam and Luger v Tatanka in opening round matches. Shawn v Crush is a qualifier on Superstars, and Mr Hughes v Kamala will be on Challenge. Now I thought Hennig was in this tourney (I thought Bret wrestled him), so I'm interested to see how he gets worked in.

Next, it's Kamala. Now he might not have been much of a technical wizard, but the guy played his role to the hilt. Great mannerisms as he comes to the ring. He's up against Yokozuna here, who is being set for Hogan at King of the Ring, so don't expect anything other than a Yokozuna one-sided victory.

We start with a running collision of the pair, and Kamala appears to have the best of things, but Yoko soon gets the upper hand. With Kamala well placed for the Bansai Drop, Vince suggests Kamala is playing possum. Heenan says Kamala isn't smart enough to play possum. Guess who is right.

Yoko wins, and after an All American Wrestling plug we have an Intercontinental Title match. Jannetty, as you might expect, starts like a house on fire. A nice reversal of a hip toss (he landed on his feet) is followed by well executed baseball slide and plancha. The crowd chant 'Marty' and we have a nice set-up.....

Marty stays on top, and Shawn does the old 'get the belt and leave' routine, but Mr Perfect appears to block his to path. After a break, Shawn is back in the ring and Marty is still on top. Michaels swings it back in his favour, and I make it four minutes left of the show.

Marty makes a big babyface comeback with a series of nearfalls. Perfect is looking on, as an interested spectator. Michaels counters with a superkick, and it's still strange seeing a time when that was not a finisher. Michaels turns his attention to Perfect, who throws his towel at Michaels. As Michaels flinches, Jannetty hits a small package (not perfectly applied, I have to say) for the three count. Perfect looks joyous as Marty celebrates and Bobby goes apoplectic on the mic.

To be honest, that was the kind of match that today we'd probably consider to be a slight letdown, but of it's time it was fine, and it had a good intensity to it, which kept the crowd going. They were into it and popped huge for the finish. Vince and Savage frantically round off the show as Bobby looks glum. Perfect v Doink in a KOTR qualifier need week, says Vince. Hang on, we've got six spaces filled and three matches to fill remaining two. Doesn't make sense!

I'm sure all will be revealed next time.......