Unforgiven: its not even a word, you know........

Apologies for the short update here, but I have very little time.

I'll rattle through all the matches, give my opinion, and then I'll be back at the end of the Pay Per View with my usual post-PPV, as-live thoughts.

So then........

Smackdown Tag Team Title match: Deuce and Domino v Matt Hardy & MVP.
I have been massively impressed by the improvement of MVP over the last 12 months or so, and it was a huge blow to see him held back by the news of his Heart problems. It seems that having him compete in Tag Matches is the way to keep him going.
The MVP/Matt pairing has chemistry, the classic protagonist/antagonist relationship, and I would suggest this is how we will move forward. Look for The Greasers to regain their straps, when MVP walks out on Hardy.

RAW Tag Team title match: London & Kendrick v Cade & Murdoch
I'd expect this to be a good one, possibly a show opener, and I'd tend to say that it would be The so-called Redneck Wrecking Crew who will prevail. I love London & Kendrick, and would be happy to see them more often, but they are precisely the kind of wrestlers that the WWE likes to trot out as show ponies every now and again, but will stick with the tried and tested 'characters'. That said, I like Cade and Murdoch, who are far more enjoyable and old school than the dressed up Deuce and Domino will ever be.
The only way Londrick gets a win is if WWE decides to finally get behind Lance Cade. They have been threatening to do so for a long time. I'd say a singles title for him before the end of 2008.

Women's Title Match: Beth Phoenix v Candice Michelle
I can't see past Beth in this match. Only makes good sense to create a monster heel of a champion to reign for a while, dominate the women's scene, then attempt to build up an honest, hard-working Babyface as a conquerer of sorts. Candice Michelle looks as if she is the pet project right now, and it wouldn't surprise me to see Beth continue to dominate the scene, with Candice eventually getting the best of the 'Glamazon'. Not tonight, though. Beth to win.

ECW Title: CM Punk v Elijah Burke
In order to determine the order in which I'd write these predictions, I checked the WWE.com site, and worked from the bottom up. So, according to them, this is the 5th most important match. Hmm, 3 equal brands my ass.

Anyway, this hasn't really been built up much, and though I like Burke, I'd think that Punk would be keep over, and that the rumour I've heard which suggests that he'll keep the belt until Nitro returns is quite likely. CM to win.

Triple H v Carlito
If you think this is going to be anything other than a Triple H win, then I'd take issue with you. I want to know where the whole Mr. McMahon angle is going in regards to Trips, because he has been involved all the way since he got back. I also don't know how long until HBK comes back, and that would be interesting to know, really.
Can't see The Game losing, but I'm intrigued as to where they take him. I'm wondering whether they'll now think in terms that he is bigger than the belt, and putting the strap on him woon't help him any. I'm not sure. I'll take him to win tonight, maybe in the face of mighty interference on the part of Hornswoggle McMahon (I can't believe I'm writing that).

Undertaker v Mark Henry
Err, return of the dead man? Come on, Mark Henry has about about as much chance as Chavo Guererro and King Booker did in their matches against Triple H and Rey Mysterio. Short one, Taker to win comfortably.

World Heavyweight Title - Great Khali v Batista v Rey Mysterio
This one has me puzzled a bit. I am leaning towards Mysterio more than I was. Originally, I'd have said that my money would have been on Kahli retaining, but the addition of Batista has made me think twice.

The reason being that if you have Great Khali v Rey Mysterio, and you want to belt to go onto Rey, how do you make that believable? Answer is, you can't. Add Big Dave into the mix, and all of a sudden you have you have a plausible way. After a battle between them all, you let Batista blast the Punjabi giant with a Spinebuster or spear or something, and have Rey basically steal one.

I'm more tentative about this call than any other. But I'll take Mysterio to regain the strap.

John Cena v Randy Orton
Usually, when you have a main event decided in a clean finish and then you have a rematch a few weeks later, it annoys me, because firstly what says the result will be different, and secondly why does the contender deserve another shot?

This time, it has been well executed, with Orton's cold persona going a step further and attacking John Cena Senior (or Cenia, I suppose). Here's my theory. The belt was going over to Orton, but the web got wind of it. Vince opted to swerve those who think they are in the know, and kept the belt on Cena. This time, with opinions a little more wavy, the title does switch, and this also is another avenue in which Triple H can get involved in the title picture, with his hostory with Orton.

Orton to win.

Thats all for now, update available just after the PPV.

I believe Vince's son is..............

So tonight is the night when we find out just who Vinny Mac's l'il boy is. And it ain't Booker T. Sucka.

It seems the man formerly known as GI Bro has gone off in a Huff, man.

Have you noticed that pretty much any wrestling site you go to - news, columns, opinion, funny stuff. No one is telling you who the bastard son is. Sure, we all knew it was originally Mr Kennedy, but most seem to have their mouths and keyboards shut.

So, in order to work it out, I'm going to take you on a whistlestop tour of the roster. Lets start with Raw.

Cena? No point, too big a name. Also wasn't around the ring when Vince said it was a superstar

Jeff Hardy? For the sheer fact that he has nothing else going on, he could be the man. However, this role is going to require a great deal of time with mic in hand or acting with Vince and Trips. Jeff's strong suit is not his promo skills.

Cade & Murdoch? Not big enough names, and in programme with Londrick.

Lashley? Too injured

Brian Kendrick & Paul London? See Cade/Murdoch and flip the names.

Carlito? hmmm. Is facing Triple H this week, and The Game will surely be involved in this angle long term. Carlito is good on the mic, and is of the level that needs to be elevated. However, Carlito's father is legendary grappler Carlos Colon, so you would doubt that would be contested.

Charlie Haas? Nope.

Cody Rhodes? Once again, he is best known for being Dusty's boy. Can't be.

Daivari? A joke foreign heel? Not a prayer. (leave it)

Duggan? Nooooooooooooooooooooo

Lawler? Of course not.

Coach? No, but thankyou for asking, Sir?

King Booker? Hahahahahahahaaha. Sucka.

Mr Kennedy? Absolutely no chance.............................no chance.

Randy Orton? Cowboy Bob and the fact that he wasn't around the ring say no for him. This is a rumour killer.

The Highlanders? Ahh, those modern day Bushwhackers, what happened to them? Anyway, its not them. Vince isn't ginger for a start.

Santino? If he didn't suck in the ring, and his build up wasn't so crap, then this would be more feasible. He is more likely than most mentioned thus far. But still no.

Sandman? I shouldn't have thought so.

Shawn Michaels? Unlikely, although if they have a convaluted script on hand, they might try to use his star power to boost the angle. He doesn't have to wrestle for a bit, and they could play off his chemistry and history with Trips and Vince. Possible, but unlikely.

Shelton Benjamin? I jokingly wrote about an encounter between Vince and Momma Benjamin, but honestly, and I don't mean this in a racist way, he'd be a proper candidate if he wasn't black. I think it being a black man would be too complicated in a genetic manner. Sorry Shelton. In a side note, though, he is due a push again.

Snitsky? No. But if I'm wrong, it isn't my fault.

Super Crazy? ay, ay, ay. No es bueno.

Triple H? The Game is the central antagonist in this whole thing, he cannot be the son. That throws into the question the fact that Triple H married his sister........no. Even the WWE........no.

Umaga? Regal? Nope, suspended and have no chance.

Val Venis? yep, thats it. a 36 year old jobber. (note sarcasm)

So thats Raw.

Now, the thing is, ECW and Smackdown were both taped last night. You'd think that if someone was Vince's son, they would not just go and wrestle on smackdown or ECW, with no explanation. So by that logic, it could well be someone who didn't take part in the ECW or Smackdown tapings last night. So lets take a list of ECW and SD wrestlers who did not take part in the taping.

John Morrison, Marcus Cor Von, Dave Taylor, Chavo Guererro, Hardcore Holly, Edge, Helms, Funaki, Ric Flair.

Morrison, Chavo, and Funaki are absent due to the steroid scandal. Helms and Edge are too, but are injured. Cor Von is a long term absentee because of a personal issue. Holly is injured, Flair as we know is having one or two issues with WWE at the moment. Dave Taylor is not a lot more than a jobber, and has barely been seen since Regal went to Raw.

By the laid out criteria that it can't be anyone from Raw that we've worked out, and that it could be someone who should have been on Smackdown..............then it leaves two men.

Rey Mysterio and Hornswoggle.

Please god tell it can't be Hornswoggle. You can't involve Triple H, Mr Kennedy, the whole McMahon clan, and then have it be Hornswoggle. No way. (I hope)

Rey Mysterio wasn't around the ring, which would stand against him, but I think he has the most chance of anyone else.

He had a major altercation with Vince for seemingly no reason a while back. "Things are looking up" could well be a swerve so that you think its Kane or Khali or something, but its actually the short Mysterio. He was not on Smackdown, and they have changed the SD main event for Unforgiven to include Batista. They could edit Rey right out of that. He is a main event level star that they could use.

One thing against is the fact that he has already been involved in a paternity thing with Eddie, and that might could against.

Anyway, that my guess, I'm going with Rey Mysterio. You (may have) heard it here first.

Quick Raw Thoughts

Just got through watching RAW for Sept 4th – the first show after the announcement of suspensions.

So did this help us decide who may be gone? A little, but not entirely.

The names from Raw that were rumoured to be on the hitlist, in one way or another, were Mr. Kennedy, Intercontinental Champion Umaga, General Manager William Regal, Randy Orton, King Booker, Santino Marella and Charlie Haas.

So how did they all get on………….?

Mr. Kennedy: - Well, until the last 15 minutes or so of the show, Kenny Kenny was nowhere to be seen. Unfortunately, I had got wind of a little spoiler of the show, which was tape this week, so when the quartet of McMahons were chatting away in the ring, I knew he must show up at some point. Otherwise I think I might have popped privately for when he came through the curtain.

Well, anyway, he gave a great performance vocally, as per usual, where it was basically announced that he is not in fact Vince’s son. (we should find out next week). But that was basically a near certainty, really, that he would be the bastard son. That he isn’t has to taken as a sign that we won’t see him any more in this storyline.

Umaga: - The Samoan Bulldozer actually pulled a double header in the ring, and was all over the show. Not, I was thinking, the ideal way to de-push the man.

The IC title match was ok, but I felt the finish was weak. For an unstoppable savage, falling off the top rope and getting winded seemed a bit feeble to me. It strikes me that a small package or the like might have served the purpose better. Jeff Hardy didn’t come off as a strong character, and Umaga just came off as a bit clumsy and unable to fight being winded. If Jeff rolls him in an inside cradle, then at least it looks like Umaga was simply outsmarted. And Samoan savages don’t regularly win Mensa contests.

The last match on the show saw Umaga team up with Carlito for a meaningless handicap match Triple H, where a quick DQ ensued, but ended up with Umaga being destroyed by The Game, a chair, and, you’ve guessed it, a sledgehammer.

This all makes perfect sense. Umaga will serve his 30-day suspension, and return in four or five weeks to destroy Triple H. A Triple H and Umaga programme makes sense for two of the biggest names on Raw, possibly with Umaga being used as Vince’s hired gun again.

William Regal: - Regal was also featured significantly in the show, but not in his usual comedic role. Cena destroyed him after the GM showed a little compassion towards Randy Orton (more on him in a minute). Coach will fill in for a few weeks, then Regal will return when “fit again”. Possibly as more of a heel, trying to stack the odds against Cena.

Randy Orton:- It looks as if the WWE’s Teflon man is at it again. I never saw Orton compete when I was at the Raw show in London because he’d caused a ruckus in a hotel room in Italy. He didn’t get suspended or fired then.

He’s certainly been caught by the Wellness Policy in the past, and was implicated in the scandal here. Now, not that anyone else has officially been sanctioned, it seemed pretty clear from the way Raw went that several people are in trouble. Orton was advertised as being in the main event for the next Pay Per View. Seems he is safe.

Other have taken this quite badly. Seems it’s quite a kick in the teeth.

King Booker: - Jury out. Booker was wrestling in the main event last week, he wasn’t on the show at all this week. He doesn’t have an injury as far as I am aware. He isn’t long back from an injury and does have a territory to book, so there may be extenuating circumstances. We’ll see.

Santino Marella:- I think he will be ok. Essentially, very few people care about him, so to continue, albeit minor, his association with Maria, as well as introduce a link with Sandman. He also said his arm was getting better and threatened Ron Simmons.

On the flip side, they could suggest that his arm got damaged again and it keeps him out for a month. If you forced me to stake money, I’d say he stays.

Charlie Haas:- Newsflash. Haas loses a match. In other news, Dog Barks, night is dark and The Warrior says something mental. Who knows?

I will try to update later in the week, and we’ll take a genuine look at the Vince’s kid angle.

On the 'roid to nowhere.......

I suspect that by now you have read about the controversy which has been stirred up once again surrounding steroids and wrestling.

If you have not, please go to www.thesun.co.uk/wrestling and let them fill you in. The rest of us will wait.



Ok, you’re back, lets get on.

So is this a positive or negative occurrence for the WWE and wrestling in general?

The significance of the people alleged to be involved makes the situation much more……well, significant. If this were 10 names of the undercard, wrestlers in developmental or something, this wouldn’t make much of an impact. You’d see loads of people like me having a pop at the WWE not having the bottle to censure the top names. There can be no such accusations here.

As well as minor names like Sho Funaki and Charlie Haas, you have holders of minor titles like Shane Helms and Chavo Guererro, the latter of course having been a part of Summerslam against Rey Mysterio, and more importantly a man closer than anyone on the roster to Eddie and Chris Benoit.

That leaves six names, which are rumoured to be William Regal (Current Raw General Manager), Umaga (Intercontinental Champion) John Morrison (ECW Champion), Edge (former world champion, still would be if not for injury) Randy Orton (Number one contender in the biggest push of his life) and Ken Kennedy (Destined for the top, major part of every broadcast, and more importantly penciled in to be Vince’s kid and be in the main event at Wrestlemania)

There’s no punches pulled is there? 6-8 big names are gone. For a month anyway.

I make it that if Umaga and Morrison have to lose their belts, it’ll be at least SIX occasions this year that a title plan has had to change. Edge and The Undertaker had to drop the straps when injured, the Benoit tragedy led to Morrison picking the ECW belt up, and Kennedy would surely have won a title with his Money in the Bank contract.

I cannot and will not comment on the accusations against the wrestlers, and indeed what their futures may hold.

I will, though, say that this could make or break the WWE. If they lose star power in droves, their fanbase may react in kind. Next week, you could have three TV shows which features a roster devoid of:

Shawn Michaels
Bobby LashleyThe Undertaker
Chris Benoit
Rob Van Dam
Edge
Big Show
Ken Kennedy
Umaga
John Morrison
William Regal
Randy Orton

Factor in that Batista and King Booker are both on the list of suspected users of Pharmacy, and that Triple H and Rey Mysterio have only been back a week, you are looking at a roster which has as its top 10 stars, apart from those above, maybe:

1) John Cena
2) The Great Khali
3) Mark Henry
4) Carlito
5) MVP
6) Jeff Hardy
7) Matt Hardy
8) CM Punk
9) Kane
10) Finlay

That’s pretty weak (although to be fair I’ve left out Flair) as a roster goes, so why should we watch?

Well, there is an argument which suggest that in the face of a seriously average product, a serious incident such as what happened with Chris Benoit occurs, and although the ratings dropped to below the desired level as far as the WWE are concerned they didn’t dip too low. Consider that crisis talks came when Raw’s rating went down to 3.4, and Raw’s replacement this week on USA Network, The US Open Tennis, drew a 1.0.

So maybe people will watch wrestling come what may. The people that now watch are the hardcore, the true fans, those that are probably too set in their ways to stop watching wrestling. If there was a credible threat they may stop watching WWE itself, but there is no such competition, so that’s moot.

Why not then, allow a bit more creativity to emerge. Get rid of slow moving goons like Mark Henry, Khali and Viscera that have never drawn any money. See what kind of wrestling, yes wrestling, talent you could get hold of. Let Punk do what Punk wants to do, and try to get the Brian Danielson’s and such to the big leagues and let them wrestle.

Khali, Batista, Masters, Knox etc – no one cares.

Morgan, Test, Tomko, Steiner – no one cares.

It was said that a monopoly in wrestling would harm the business because there would be lots out of work and no upward mobility. Possibly.

However, although there is still one main company, it is kind of a duopoly thanks to TNA.

The trouble is, both rosters have elements of festering, boredom inducing rubbish polluting the airwaves, pushing down the more stellar talent.

Those mentioned above clearly suck.

The ‘best of’ roster, however, looks awesome. Imagaine a company populated with:

Samoa Joe, Finlay, Carlito, CM Punk, AJ Styles, Shawn Michaels, Christopher Daniels, Kazarian, Rey Mysterio, Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Shelton Benjamin, Jeff Hardy, Christian Cage, Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Super Crazy, Homicide, Chris Harris, Petey Williams, MVP, Matt Hardy, Jay Lethal, Senshi/Low Ki, Jamie Noble, Elijah Burke, Elix Skipper.

Then add your extra talent like John Cena, Kurt Angle, Sting, Jarrett, Abyss, Taker and a few others. That’s what you want.

I’ve seen quite few Ring of Honor and other independent events, but from what I have seen and what I’ve heard, the likes of Mistico, Nigel McGuiness, The Briscoes, Colt Cabana (I think he is in developmental now) Doug Williams, Claudio Castagnoli, Matt Sydal.

Factor in Teddy Hart, Harry Smith and the like and you might be onto something.

Surely its worth thinking about.

Actually, no, scrap that. What the world wants is a Snitsky and Big Daddy V monster push, and a return for Chuck Palumbo and Johnny Stamboli.

Obviously.

Summerslam Live Notes

00.55am
Are you ready to partake of a PPV? The Biggest Partaking of the summer? Thought so. Hop in.

As usual, I’m here in the UK, with my laptop, writing live notes on the Pay Per View. For all of you watching in this in the states, remember your friend across the pond stays up until 4am for you.

I also make sure I stay completely sober and lucid so that I give a good account and also that I have to work in the morning. However, if Summerslam sucks, that’s it, I’m getting wasted next time.

01.03am
Well, the opening pyro is going off, and the video preview has aired. The build up still focuses on Triple H, who has the climb the mountain of a guy who has defeated, erm, a 50+ year old who wrestles on RAW about 4 times a year. Oh, and he punked out a non-wrestling 60 year old. The only more frightening bookers are the ones who write the damn stuff.

01.05am
And it’s Kane. Out to face Fit Finlay in the opener. Cole tells us that this started when Fit spilled coffee on Kane. Hang on, didn’t that happen to Kane before, with the caffeine dropper that time being Jericho?

No truth in the rumour that The Big Red Dentist retaliated by throwing hot tea over Finlay’s leg. Fit didn’t feel it, obviously.

01.15am
Not far off a ten-minuter, and a pretty darn decent opener. A genuine back and forth encounter with Finlay selling his ass off and also looking like a legitimate tough guy. Couple of fake finishes, clean finishes. No problems here.

01.20am
After a little backstage skit involving all the general managers, coach, Vince a lack of babes (“go get the scrubbers”) Santino Morella (“Every week I have to put up with that. Moron.”) and MVP, Vince goes to far.

He said……………….erm……he said……………..that…………….

He said English women are ugly. Listen, I know plenty of Americans. Many are fat. That doesn’t make them all fat. English women, on the whole, are no uglier than anywhere in the world. Except Sweden, they are all babes. Oh, and Holland. And maybe Norway.

When the WWE comes to Birmhingam here in the UK in October, and I will be there, I hope I get to interview one of the men involved. And I tell you what, if I was a more interesting persona and didn’t live such a sad existence, so that I actually had a girlfriend, then I’d show them a picture of her. Actually the last one was a bit of a dog, so that might be……oh, I’m mad, ok. Bloody annoyed, you get the idea.

01.27am
I spent a long time writing that rant, and the IC title match is underway. It has also pretty much followed the plan I outline in the preview earlier on today.

01.29am
So Kennedy nails Umaga with a monitor. OK. So it’s no DQ. So why don’t they all just go mental with chairs and shit.

01.31am
I just went to the website of Aka the Wild Samoan, apparently his class involves teaching fellow Samoans the ability to hit someone to make them fall in a sitting position against the turnbuckle. Only Samoans can do that, you know. Oh, and X-Pac, but he shagged Chyna, so he doesn’t count. For anything.

01.32am
Well, its finished, and strictly speaking I’m now 2 for 2 for predicting matchwinners, although I did think that Kennedy would not be the one to job. Weird booking to me, but anyway.

01.36am
So we are about to witness the return of Rey Mysterio, and Chavo is out. He is wearing a poncho with Warrior written on it. Warrior? Are you kidding? Rey’s back, Triple H is back, Taker is coming back, and now the Warrior?

Now on WWEShopzone, Sombreros with “Destrucity” written on them, Piñatas which break when you shake the ropes, and a talking doll that says “Queering don’t make the world work, Gringos.”

And here I was having a go at English stereotypes.

01.40am
The match is underway, and speaking of the Ultimate Warrior, Rey is covered in silver paint for some reason. Those crazy Mexican make up ladies. A hundred body paints. I bet they have a thousand masks. And a Million Mascaras.

01.50am
After the secret stipulation was completed (the match couldn’t end until Rey’s body paint had worn off) Rey Mysterio does the usual for a returning superstar. That is, kick out of an apparently unkickoutable (fuck off, I know it isn’t a real word, but its nearly 2 in the pissing morning, gimme a break) move, hit his big move after 3 attempts and get the win. In the big story of the evening, I’m 3 out of 3.

01.54am
Todd Grisham gets acted off the screen by a stuffed parrot before interviewing Booker T, who both annoys and kills me at the same time. He will beat Triple H apparently. Booker, you book your own territory, so does The Game. Work it out son.

02.00am
Divas battle royal time. Women get elimitaed here and there, but because WWE divas are only cast out of one mould, JR and King don’t really know who is being eliminated.

02.05am
The phrase I would choose to sum up the Divas Battle Royal is: Assisted Bumps.

I’ll leave it up to you to decide if I mean that the girls had to practically throw themselves out of the ring, or their surgically enhanced chests.

02.08am
Beth Phoenix’s celebrations (4 from 4, by the way) are interrupted by Monty Porter. Maybe this is the contest he was talking about challenging Matt Hardy to? Diva Fucking!!

Hardy is a veteran, of course – Lita, Ashley. Matt will beat him at that, and then win the most acrimonious break up contest.

Nah, its beer drinking. Or is it. Matt says he isn’t going to compete in a beer drinking contest. He has a substitute. Quicker than you can say “The Condemned is now available is retail store and bagain bins for a buck 99” the fans are chanting for Austin. (I’d piss myself laughing if its Sandman!)

And its…………….Gillberg!!!!

No, wait, its Austin. And he is psyched for the hardcore beverage consuming contest. Fuck fear, drink (light) beer. Ernest “The Cat” Miller Lite. No mic time for Austin, just a stunner and a celebration with beer.

The ring is now covered in beer, which is now reacting with the silver paint and starting to merge to form the shape of a human man from the future. No wait, that’s Terminator 2, isn’t it?

And Judgment Day was back in May.

02.19am
OK, I gave Cryme Tyme some stick earlier on. But I’ve got to say, getting Coach, Teddy Long and then Regal to circle Vince chanting “Money, Money, Yeah, Yeah” was a masterstroke. Round it off with that damn Simmons guy (not Richard) and that was a funny segment. Regal is the funniest (and Whitest) guy in the history of the WWE.

02.22am
ECW is on fourth last then – a ‘world’ title isn’t as valuable as Triple H’s return, which is fair.

I’ve just realized I haven’t commented much on match quality since the opener. Well, the IC match was average at best, Rey and Chavo was great, would have been excellent if could have gone longer (a lot to ask of Rey, though, admittedly) and the Divas battle royal was laughable.

Punk kicks out of a few early covers, but not because he wants to win, but because he daren’t lay on the beer stained mat for too long. He’s straightedge, you know, the alcohol might permeate into his body.

02.32am
Morrison retains (and the bastard ruins my undefeated streak) in the most pissweak ending of a title match in months. That was a shame, because up until the sham of a finish, this was a solid match. To the live audience, it doesn’t matter either way, because they appear not to know who either man was. At one point, a small “CM Punk” chant started up. I swear about 10,000 people then said “ah, that’s him. And other guy looks like that kid who used to be on Tough Enough.”

Tazz says that a great man once said “By any means necessary.” Yes he did, Tazzwell, but now that man only says “Damn”, and other homophones.

02.37am
After a fantastic visual where Booker poses in the aisleway and looks like his hair is on fire, and an announcement that JR might be bias – hope that guys who broke your arm gets his ass kicked, huh Jim? – here comes the returning Triple H, complete with 3 part theme music.

The intro included the “Gentleman, we can rebuild him.” I would say that about 4% of the WWE’s target audience actually get that reference. If you do, I hope you share with me the irony that the line in question was used for a character called Steve Austin.

Not the WWE’s Steve Austin either. Not the Bionic Redneck, but the Bionic Man. Or the Six Million Dollar man. Or are they the same guy? Anyway, I don’t mean Steve Williams. Not Dr. Death Steve Williams, the other Steve Williams.

The bell has gone, and Booker attacks………….

No, not Tiger Woods’ caddy Steve Williams, I mean the wrestler, who isn’t Dr Death. And not Dr Death the Batman Villain, nor Jack Kervorkian or Harold Shipman.

(If you don’t know who Jack Kervorkian is, then here is a random line from his Wikipedia page – “In the 1980s, Kevorkian wrote a series of articles for the German journal Medicine and Law that laid out his thinking on the ethics of euthanasia. fuckin bitch who does this kinf of shit. go to hell”. I’m not kidding, that’s what it says. Go take a look - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_Kevorkian)

Anyway, its Triple H, not A Texas Rattlesnake, not Dr Death, not a Six Million Dollar man, not a golf caddy, not a killer medical practitioner.

Back to the match, and…………oh its finished.

Anyway, big entrance? Check. Dominant performance? Check. Kick out of a finisher (The Book End)? Check. Three attempts to hit his move (Pedigree)? Check. A win?

If you don’t know the answer to that, you are too stupid to live, to own a computer or to write for the WWE creative team.

02.52am
And if you thought the people were pumped up for the return of The Game, how excited do you think they’ll be for a Great Khali match?

02.57am
A video airs for the Smackdown Title match, and basically puts over the Indian Giant’s now vice grip move. Please, please, please let me see him do that move on Hornswoggle, That would be awesome.

03.08am
Did you know that the common Dormouse can breed once or twice a year, have a typical size of 2-3” and live about 5 years? Too boring? OK, how about the fact that the largest employer in Liechtenstein is a company that manufactures concrete fastening systems? Still boring?

OK, try this Batista won by DQ after Khali got bored (who didn’t) and hit The Animal with a chair. Still bored.

OK, here’s a hot chick. http://forum.football365.com/index.php?t=msg&th=385082

Am I forgiven? Good

Anyway, after a “boring” chant, Michael Cole announced that the fans were understandably irritated. JBL, at the close of the match, refrained from shouting ‘ball game’ and instead denounced the ending, stating that the fans deserve better. Bradshaw, my old friend, you are spot on.

As for my prediction, technically I was wrong, because I said Great Khali would win. But he did retain. Can I have a half point? If you let me have a half point I’ll give you another hot chick. I’ll wait to hear from you.

03.19am
Its time for the main event. The usual mixed Cena reception, but nothing too postive towards Randy either.

03.21am
King just dropped a Liechtenstein reference, I swear to God I did mine first!

03.24am
Maybe I was wrong – noticeable support for Orton. Say what you like about limited movesets for these guys and the superior talent of someone like Punk, Punk wrestled solidly for 10 minutes to no reaction. Orton got a headlock in then knocked Cena down with a shoulderblock and the roof nearly came off the Meadowlands.

03.41am
Orton just missed his big punt, and Cena has the STFU applied. Orton reaches the ropes. I just want to note know that I think Orton did a little Iron Sheik homage by tapping his boot on the mat three times.

03.42am
This just in from the Sheik:
“RandyOrtonjaghsnosdfndgbdswonkydonkeyfbkdskndsfbkjnculcbskdbcbslovealbatrossfnsdvfsvsasextyphoonfbdsdfbsdbfsbdstarofstallionfarmvvvvvsadsdldonkldsncsndcnsancsdncn” Or something.

03.43am
Damn it. Cena got the win. Not that I’m a huge Cena hater or an Orton mark. I just thought the time was right. I thought that match was decent. It had the big fight atmosphere, as JBL said (wrongly) about the previous match. I would liked to have seen a little more believable set of false finishes, because as soon as Randy hit the RKO out of the STFU, he played up an injury, meaning you knew Cena would kick out of the pin. 10 seconds later, it was over after an FU.

A better main event than I expected.

Predcitions were 5-3 tonight, and ironically the 3 I got wrong were all title matches!

Overall I thought that it was an average Pay Per View, better than a lot of ones we’ve seen this year, but that’s like saying stale bread is tastier than tree bark. Seeing Austin was cool, but for me every PPV needs two or three of that size of events. No-one turns face or heel, returns unannounced, or pulls off a miraculous result anymore. That’s the biggest problem. The match quality wasn’t, and generally isn’t high, but in the modern product, that is secondary to good psychology and entertainment. That is why the main event was good. It had the crowd completely into it and told a story.

Forced into a numbers rating I’ll go 6.5/10. Not fantastic, but passable, and much better than a lot of 4 or less out of 10 shows we’ve seen of late. Nowhere near Wrestlemania though.

Summerslam Preview

Summerslam.

The biggest party of the summer? Maybe. The biggest talking point of the year? Potentially. The most laboured intro I’ve written for a while? Probably. Let’s get on……….

Summerslam is hours away, and as is customary, I would like to give you some thoughts of how I see this evening planning out.

I’m going to start with a rumoured match, because if it goes ahead it seems like a credible opener.

Cade and Murdoch v Cryme Time (Raw Tag Titles)
Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch were given a run with the Hardys. It was entertaining. They were given the belts. Fair enough.

Then what? They’ve been underused almost the point of me forgetting they were the champs until I saw a belt on their shoulders. Cryme Tyme are a team for whom I struggle to find affection. Their ‘comedy’ skits are not to my mind all that funny, and they are hardly Tully and Arn in the ring, are they?

So this match is much of a muchness, really.

For the record, I think if this does go ahead, I’ll go with the belts switching to Cryme Tyme, purely because I think the WWE Creative team think they could do more with them than Cade and Murdoch.

Now, what I’d prefer to see, usually, would be the match left out, so that the rest of the card could go longer. However, pretty much every match has a reason why it probably shouldn’t be stretched, due to weaknesses, either talent-based or due to injury, so adding a match, especially a babyface title change, makes sense.

Selection – Cryme Tyme

Diva Battle Royal
This may go on one before the main event, which presumably will be Orton v Cena, although I have one idea of an alternative, which I’ll explain in a sec.

This is an excuse to do 2 things: get a whole host of beautiful women on the screen (No complaints here) and find another opponent to Candice Michelle.

I can see just two credible contenders. One is Beth Phoenix. She seems to be the most pushed heel on RAW, and would be akin to feeding a monster heel to Candice. The other idea is that they could do a Smackdown v Raw type thing, and have Victoria win. I’d say the first theory is the most credible.

Selection – Beth Phoenix

Kane v Finlay
I’m told this is going to be a ‘comedy’ bout. AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Damn it, you have less naturally gifted wrestlers on the roster now than anytime in the last 20 years, and with one of them, Fit Finlay, you have him playing second fiddle to a midget wrestler masquerading as a leprechaun.

Fine, do whatever, it just annoys the hell out of me. I’d want people like Cody Rhodes, people like Harry Smith, Teddy Hart, and so forth working with and learning from a guy like Finlay. Stands to reason.

I don’t particular care who wins this, but I’ll go for Kane, just because life’s a bitch like that. (By the way, I have no problem with Kane, but Glen Jacobs isn’t exactly the future).

Selection – Kane

Umaga v Ken Kennedy v Carlito
Blurring the line of faces and heels come these three, feuding for the IC title, and I suspect this will be the old triple threat formula.

We start out with the monster (Umaga, obviously) taking out the two plucky underdogs, before they eventually team up sufficiently (i.e. they cheat) to get the upper hand. Eventually, they get rid of him, and turn on each other, before the big guy come back and cleans house.

Now, most people are suggesting that Kennedy will take the strap here, but I’m going to go against the grain. I’m taking Umaga, who will defeat Carlito to retain. Kennedy doesn’t need a belt if the big plans apparently in store for him, in my mind, and as long as he is not involved in the decision he wouldn’t lose much credibility.

Selection – Umaga

Rey Mysterio v Chavo Guerrero
Triple H v King Booker
I’ve mixed these two matches in together, because I can’t see anything other than big wins for the returning faces. If we are to believe the rumours, Trips is set for the big run with the McMahons and Kennedy, while Rey is a former champ who surely would not lose his return against the guy who put him out. No complications, simple booking.

Selections – Triple H and Rey Mysterio

John Morrison v CM Punk
That’s right, this one again.

I don’t really understand why some sort of stipulation isn’t added for this. I mean, I’m not talking Mink Coat on a Pole match or anything, but maybe a submission match or two-of-out-three falls or something. It really does portray a small time image that they can’t think of anyone else to fight in the main event for ECW, and does sort of stick two fingers up to us, the fans, that a match that wasn’t even great the first couple of times round is rehashed.

Its one thing doing Kurt Angle v Shawn Michaels three times, and as much as I like these guys, HBK or the Olympic Hero they ain’t. And to be honest, every time I think about these two having a match, I think about Benoit. And I hate think about that guy now.

I like Punk, and I think after having him lose a couple of times, they might just give him a run.

Selection – CM Punk

Batista v The Great Khali
Now if Punk chasing a title for a third time is incredible, Batista must be on challenge 238 or something by now. I’m not a huge Batista fan anymore, but frankly I’ll be marking out harder than anyone if they finally get the belt of the big Indian lummox.

However, head ruling heart, I don’t think he’ll do it. I see Khali retaining, Taker returning to beat Mark Henry, then going for Khali and taking the belt.

Selection – The Great Khali

John Cena v Randy Orton
Summerslam is Orton’s event. This is where he won his first title and beat the Undertaker. OK, he lost to Hogan, but you know, what do you expect?

To me, the time is right. Cena has been a fantastic champion, and say what you like about the guy, has carried the company in a down period, as well as carrying a lot of guys to decent matches, regardless of what people may say.

He is in danger, though, of burning out his fuse and outstaying his welcome as champion. So I think that Orton may well do it tonight.

If the projected Kennedy/McMahon storyline is set to drag all the way to Wrestlemania, they need to take it slow. And if so, I wouldn’t expect The Game to be involved yet. So the original Triple H v Orton idea could yet happen. I don’t know how they’d feature Cena – maybe a Triple Threat – but I’m sticking with that theory.

Enjoy Summerslam if you are getting it.

Have a good night,

Rob

RAW needs to play the Long game. (And I don’t mean Smackdown’s Teddy)

I have just finished watching this week’s episode of RAW, and while I normally would be anxious to see what kind of rating it pulls in, this time I am much more concerned about how this show is followed up next week.

I have read this week that USA Network executives are onto Vince McMahon and his team to improve ratings, and that they are interested in taking the RAW show to three hours. I believe there was even a rumour that USA are pressuring WWE to try to show more of people like Steve Austin, Mick Foley, The Undertaker, and have even seen the names Sable and Chyna come up, although there might be more chance of me being on than these two again.

In my opinion, several things are necessary for WWE to ‘stop the bleeding’ and redress the falling ratings trend.

Firstly, take time to build character, and most importantly keep the viewer guessing. This week’s show

Here in the UK, we have a beautiful thing called Sky Plus. I’m not sure what the American equivalent is, or indeed what exists in a similar vein in the rest of the world, but essentially a key element of Sky Plus is that you get to fast forward, rewind, pause etc. TV as you please. I have found myself increasingly watching Raw in about an hour. Watching all the backstage segments and in-ring promos, but having the matches on six-times normal speed, just about being able to make out who is on top, suits me fine.

The seemingly infinite amount of replays, recaps from earlier in the night for people with the memory of a goldfish, plus video packages from previous weeks or about stuff I know (Snitsky, Triple H, Booker/Jerome) earn themselves the +30 treatment – that’s as fast as I can fast forward.

But this week, I got tripped up. Raw took me over two hours. And I skipped all the adverts.

I watched the opening segment, which by the way featured possibly the three most entertaining guys in the mic in the company, in Cena Carlito and Kennedy, and I enjoyed it. But when Kennedy v Lashley and Cena v Carlito were set up, I sighed. Lashley takes punishment and looks imperious, Cena overcomes the odds and probably gets attacked post-match by Orton. Same old, same old.

So I flicked through the beginning of the show, slowing the TV every now and again to hear JR get Jillian’s name wrong THREE times, and then to gaze at Maria. (ah, Maria).

I listen to Santino’s speech. Perhaps it’s the easy stereotyping, but Marella always remind me of the Italian restaurateur from The Simpsons. (“Eh, Salvatore, get-a some pasta for the ugly kid-a. And-a tell-a de boss not to keep-a booking me with Jamal. Dah, I mean Umaga-a.) Anyway, I watched him get flattened because it’s fun.

A bigger sigh as we find out its Orton v Sgt. Slaughter. Yawn, another squash.

I watched Cody v Daivari in full because I’m interested in how this young man will develop. There is a lot of Rocky Maivia in his build up thus far, with was short-term good, slightly longer-term bad, then major long-term exceptional. I hope they give Cody a chance at being face and heel within his opening year, so they can point his career the best way. I’m not saying he’ll be the next Dwayne Johnson, but perhaps he’ll be in the ballpark.

So then it was Kennedy v Bobby Lashley, and put me in a mask and cal me Kwang, I called it wrong. Kennedy wins.

More to the point, Lashley loses!

That, folks is a big thing. Not because I’m saying they’ve ended Lashley’s push. I think this may symbolise a new ethos among the RAW booking team.

It was so shocking, I missed the ending. That’s right, my machine was doing its super-speed gimmick (that wasn’t a Randy Orton joke) and I missed the end, because essentially I was waiting for a spear to hit. The fact Kennedy beat Lashley clean is hopefully a signpost that the man really called Ken Anderson is scheduled for big things.

Later on RAW, after a puzzlingly long Cryme Time segment that went nowhere, a storyline-progressive Booker v Lawler match, and a predicted Orton annihilation of Sarge, the main event came. Of course it was due to Orton’s intervention, but Carlito picked up the win. Yes the ‘in the doghouse’ Carlito.

Now, mark this. Khali beat Cena. But in a non-title match. Shawn Michaels beat Cena – but in a non-title match. Cena beat both of these men on PPV with the belt on the line, and the challengers winning over the The Champ was a way of building up to future clashes.

So is Carlito in line for a title match? Will it be triple threat at Summerslam. Will Kennedy or Lashley be inserted somehow. And what of Jeff Hardy, who beat Kennedy the week before, was scheduled to face Umaga, but wasn’t even seen on RAW this week?

At the moment, Randy Orton is the number one contender, but Cody Rhodes-Runnells is after him. And remember Triple H is lurking.

I like the way the lines are blurred here. We’ve seen a RAW that admittedly was padded with obvious squashes and sub-standard ‘funny’ segments. However, it had a couple of shocks, some good mic work and interesting storyline progression.

In the early Vince Russo days people watched because he wrote interested, shocking TV. He let it go to his head and started writing nonsense (mainly WCW) but when his name is vilified in the Wrestling Press, it ought to be remembered that when he was top man for the WWF writing team, they ruled the world, and have never been that high in terms of popularity again.

The reason the rating has dropped, short term, is the Benoit case and the surrounding hype of steroids in wrestling. This is a significant issue which needs to be addressed, must be addressed and will be addressed. The important thing for the WWE to do is to continue producing solid TV, which entertains and amuses the hardcore fans. And I don’t mean hardcore in the ECW sense – I mean those of us that watch come what may.

Focus on entertaining us, the mainstays, the diehards. If we like it, others will join, see a coherent piece of serial television and join. Don’t use Kevin Federline’s and people like that to spike ratings for two weeks. The people you’ve tempted back on the promise of a name and shock will be let down because it sucks. And eventually these people will stop coming back.

Three hour RAWs would be terrible, because it would mean over exposure of the top guys, longer matches which may be more entertaining, but would actually take away from the essence of selling Pay Per Views, and more tedious skits which don’t work. Add in more pressure and potential for injury leading to (whisper it) reliance on medication and it’s a recipe for trouble.

As is calling on people past their prime. Use the Benoit tragedy and a stepping stone if you like.

Apologies to the Hart family, but two of the worst things that ever happened to them may have helped the business. The ‘screwing’ of Bret Hart meant the creation of ‘Mr. McMahon’ who went on to set the sports entertainment world alight with his feud with Stone Cold Steve Austin. The sad and untimely death of Owen hart made Mr. McMahon realise that he was perhaps a little out of touch and allowed the stars themselves more leeway for character development. This led to more air time for Foley, Rock, Angle, Triple H, Benoit, Jericho, Edge, Christian, The Dudleys, The Hardys and everyone else who made 2000 possibly the best year in WWE history.

Maybe they can go from this Benoit incident and realise that we don’t want to watch gene Snitsky. We don’t want Test, Matt Morgan, A-Train, Great Khali, Nathan Jones, Bull Buchannan, or any amount of freaks with limited talents who succeed because they are nearly seven foot and look carved out of granite. No matter how often JR and Michale Cole tell us how athletic they are.

Every now and again, you get an Undertaker, Kane or Brock Lesnar from this group, but they are the exception not the rule.

Maybe they can focus on the future and continue to build on what could well be decent foundations.

Or maybe this is yet another in a series of false dawns.

Live Great American Bash notes

12.54am
The best result of the night so far – I thought it was on Box Office – just went to order it, and it’s free! I don’t have to pay for the Pay Per View I am least looking forward to for my whole life.

01.02am
Hype video time, and the intro says that the Bash is an ‘American tradition’. Now Cole says it’s a ‘Sports Entertainment Tradition’. It’s traditionally shit, is what it is.

01.08am
The bell rings on what could very well be the highlight of the night. Risky step to throw what could be your strongest card in first.

01.21am
Terrific early spot where Matt Hardy attempted to roll through to counter an armbar and MVP rolled through to counter the counter. Followed up by a perfect plancha by Matt. The match was a little disjointed at time during the middle, but was well served in making each man look good, keeping them even.

The rolling pinning combination MVP did on 12 minutes was superb, and I bought the schoolboy ending shortly after when Porter missed the boot JBL kept on about.

Disappointing ending in the sense that the boot and playmaker looked sloppy, but solid opening contest generally, and pleasing to see it go nearly 14 minutes.

01.22am
JBL, for the second time, compares MVP to FedEx, because he always delivers. In my experience, that means MVP delivers, not always in the right time limit, and if you want a match you struggle to get hold of his agent, can’t get the paperwork right and then you may turn up at the wrong address.

01.24am
Dustay (sic) delivers on the stick. Quelle surprise. I wonder if the only reason why Dusty often appears on screen with his offspring is to prove he isn’t gay. He is as camp as a row tents, isn’t he?

Actually, no he isn’t, as he’ll prove in the bull rope match, when he dresses as a cowboy, and pulls off the chaps.

01.28am
Cruiserweight open next, and it occurs to me that Funaki hasn’t been an announcer in years, but still has SmackDown on his tights.

01.35am
Right, I’m declaring the prediction void. Err……..Hornswoggle is the Cruiserweight champion? In a bizarre twist, Finlay little bas……I mean sidekick, takes Chavo’s strap. When he did a cameo at the start of the match, I thought it was maybe setting up Rey Mysterio coming from under the ring to cost Chavo the belt. Instead, a leprechaun now holds the (pot of) gold.

Leprechauns can win titles – what a load of cobblers.

01.40am
Have you noticed how Sandman is in the midst of a push with no victories? Here he comes, through the crowd, sans beer, ready to face Carlito. No beer? Maybe Carlito had taken the beer out of the fridge. That’s not cool.

Just wondering, is Sandman/Carlito/Regal the first ever three-way feud featuring solely Southpaws?

01.49am
Are you keeping track folks? So far, that’s a Cruiserweight title match won by someone not in the match, and a Singapore Cane match where precisely no can shots were landed.

01.52am
Sometimes JR staggers me in the levels of excessive hype he uses. Candice Michelle, en route to the ring to face Melina, is said to be receiving a ‘tremendous ovation’ a nice ripple of enthuasism, maybe. A frisson of excitement, perhaps. Not a tremendous ovation. Then, she is the best women’s champ in recent years This is correct.

Except Trish, Mickie, Melina, Victoria, Molly, Lita, Jazz, Gail Kim, Ivory, Jacqueline and Chyna.

She’s better than Harvey Wippleman though. Just.

2.00am
Candice has won, and now she is ‘arguably the most beautiful women’s champion ever’. Ok, better, but still inaccurate.

I’ll take Trish, Mickie, Melina and Molly before Candice. Dusty took Wippleman.

2.03am
Candice, water, dancing, Simmons, Damn, etc.

2.18am
A surprisingly good IC title match. Another genuine false finish when Jeff hit the Swanton, but Umaga ultimately taking it. Jeff Hardy is a maverick. Sometimes he looks sluggish and unfocussed, and sometimes he appears on top of his game. This match was the latter, and he make Umaga look devastating while at the same time looking good himself. Kudos to whoever booked the details of the match.

2.25am
ECW @ the GAB for the first time. If Morrison just bails on the match, is he taking the Safeway out?

2.32am
If anyone needed any evidence as to why it is important that characters are built up on TV shows to get people over, watch the ECW title match back again. Given seven minutes, the match had no heat, no crowd reaction as near as the Matt/MVP match, and not even nearly the same league as Umaga/Jeff. CM Punk could and should be a big star, but he cannot do it on ECW.

2.43am
The two or three minutes of build up to this match, with Orton building heel heat and Dusty playing to the crowd generates more noise than any part of the ECW Title bout.

2.48am
Almost to disprove my above two points, Orton applies a chinlock for about 3 minutes.

2.49am
Orton wins a match which made Melina/Candice look like Flair/Steamboat, but as expected, Cody makes an appearance to further his development, and Orton looks like a ruthless bastard.

2.57am
And here is Kane. Its some situation where he is the high flying mobile one, isn’t it?

3.01am
JBL says he doesn’t think one man can beat Khali. What is Cena then, an automaton?
Oh, and while I’m giving JBL announcing tips, maybe you should try saying “Ball Game” a bit more.

3.17am
I’ve got it. Putting that abysmal match on will make the two golden boys, Cena and Lashley, look that bit better. Don’t get me wrong, I feel bad for the WWE that people keep getting injured all over the place, but that was as bad as it comes. Khali wins? They really, REALLY, hate Batista.

3.30am
Something I never budgeted for was the fact that the crowd would be split down the middle for these men. Definite mixed reactions for both guys.

3.44am
To be fair, that was not bad at all. Not a classic, and certainly not the most fluent, but I’ll give them a lot of credit for putting together a well told story, with plenty of near falls and close finishes. Fair play for booking a clean win for Cena too.

3.46am
Handshake? Yes. That suggests to me that these two are done. The future? Send Lashley to Smackdown to conquer the Great Khali, and lets see Kennedy get in Cena’s face.

The Bash? Better than Vengence, better than expected, but still a ‘must do better’ verdict for the slack build up, preparation and booking for yet another WWE PPV.

Having a Bash at predictions........

Hi Guys,

Stupidly busy last few days, muchos apologias, but I’m here now, and with the Pay Per View mere hours away, on with the predictions.

Can I firstly please point out that the title of the PPV includes the most flagrant use of the word ‘great’ in the history of the English lexicon?

This Pay Per View, with a history of abysmal shows, isn’t looking like being a 5-star classic this time either. As I pointed out in a previous entry, the fact that Cena/Lashley causes me a real interest in how they will book this, actually gives me a small sense of intrigue, but what terrifies me is the similarities to a dying WCW that I see in the line up.

Not only is the title of the event an old WCW name, not only is Dusty Rhodes involved in a prominent role, but let’s take a look at some similarities to the 1998 version.

In 1998, the undercard featured such talents as Booker T, (whisper it) Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko, Chris Jericho, Juventud Guerrera, Chavo Guerrero, Eddy Guerrero, Booker T and Fit Finlay.

The top of the card saw such limited competitors as The Giant (Big Show) and Goldberg, and past it has-beens who put on crap matches, like Roddy Piper, Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan. Worth pointing out that neither Hall or Nash were on this show either, nor Ed Leslie, The Warrior, Sid Vicious, Buff Bagwell, Lex Luger, or any other talentless inhabitant of the airspace above the glass ceiling.

Tonight, we see MVP v Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Carlito, Chavo Guerro in undercard matches. Shelton Benjamin, Brian Kendrick, Brian London, King Booker, Mr. Kennedy, Elijah Burke and Marcus Cor Von are all absent from the show.

Obviously, the above list pales in comparison to the talents of the WCW 1998 undercard, but you can see my point.

The top of the card this year features the catch-as-catch-can talents of The Great Khali, Batista, John Cena, Booby (not a typo, look at the pcs on the guy) Lashley, Kane, and *ahem* Dusty Rhodes.

Guys, don’t look so shocked by the appalling 3.4 rating for Raw and the failings of ECW. There is no excuses – as there won’t be after the bad buy rate that you’ll get for this.

Hope I’ve now whetted your appetite (note sarcasm), now for some thoughts match by match……

Cruiserweight Open. (Funaki, Jimmy Wang Yang, Shannon Moore, Jamie Noble, Chavo Guerrero ©)
You know what we’ll get here. A host of impressive moves by little guys with no character – or at least that’s how they have been built up. Mere filler, and unless they feel like giving Yang a run with the belt, which is possible, but I’m going with Chavo to retain, probably after a series of finshers by the other guys.

Sandman v Carlito – Singapore Cane match.
Steve Blackman is holding his Kendo stick and wondering when they changed the name, but everyone else is just surprised that creative have got behind Sandman enough to give him a PPV match. If he beats Carlito, the Puerto Rican is clearly back in the doghouse, but I’d back the ECW alumni to take the fall here, probably with a sneaky roll up pin or the like. Maybe an interference from William Regal.

Candice Michelle v Melina – Women’s title
I actually think they are going to get behind Candice for a bit, and I’d take her to retain here. I think that Beth Phoenix will be added to the mix after this, and we’ll see a Michelle/Phoenix bout at the next PPV, but for now, no title change.

MVP v Matt Hardy – US Title
I think this will be a very solid 10-minute or so bout, not a classic, but has as much potential as any other on the card. However, asking me to pick a winner is tricky. I can see a double Hardy push, as a novelty, so I’ll go for Matt. But it’s incredibly tentative. In fact, it’s a hedged bet, as you’ll see below.

Umaga v Jeff Hardy – Intercontinental title.
As I state above, I can see a Hardy sweep. I don’t understand Umaga having the IC strap, I don’t see the point of having him squash Jeff Hardy. However I can see Hardy not winning, and perhaps they are going to run the same programme a they did with Jeff and The Undertaker some years back, where Jeff loses but looks tough. Also, consider that both Umaga and Jeff Hardy have been linked with taking part along with the Jackass Crew at Summerslam, so I can see an Umaga retention, with the longer term goal being Jeff coming back in a gimmick match at Summerslam, along with his new, death defying friends.

Dusty Rhodes v Randy Orton – Texas Bullrope Match
This was also something I talked about a while back, and while I don’t see it being much of a spectacle in terms of match quality, I do see it providing a stepping stone to a future angle – but I don’t know which one. Idea number one is the sensible one, idea number two is the more likely scenario.

Idea one is that this used as a way of introducing Cody Runnels-Rhodes as a credible superstar, by getting him over using his Dad and the uncaring Orton. Maybe.

Idea two is that Triple H wants to tackle Orton upon his return, so this is simply a way of adding another legend, or at least big name, to Orton’s victim list, making Triple H look like a returning hero slaying the evil master of the chinlocks. More likely.

If idea one is correct, Rhodes wins with the help of his son. This also facilitates the change in rules to a pinfall or submission match as opposed to the usual ‘touch the ropes’ bout.

If idea two is the right choice (I feel like a gameshow host now) then Orton will destroy one or both Rhodes’. Probably this will happen.

John Morrison neé Nitro v CM Punk – ECW World Championship
Why has no-one mentioned CM Punk more over the last few weeks? Seriously, tell me why? I’ll spell this out for you. Chris Benoit was scheduled to face CM Punk at Vengeance for the ECW Heavyweight title. It is basically agreed that the likely outcome was Benoit being given the belt and ‘making’ a host of ECW superstars.

This didn’t happen due to the Benoit Murders, and they hastily stuck the belt on Johnny Morritro instead. Since the grisly Benoit affair has unfolded, the focus of the world’s media has been drugs and steroids in Wrestling.

Err……….isn’t Punk’s gimmick his Straightedge lifestyle. Give him the belt, give him loads of airtime, even do those ‘back to my roots’ vignettes where he promotes staying clean.

No, in their minds, they’ve decided to heavily push the unnatural looking body of Lashley, the unnatural body of Batista, and the unnatural lack of talent of Great Khali.

I’m going to hedge my bets here. I’ll predict Nitrrison. If he wins, I get a prediction right. If he doesn’t, it means CM Punk will be the champ.

Batista v Average Khali v Kane – Smackdown World Title
Batista.

Oh, you want more? Ok. They can’t really keep the belt on Khali can they? Kane wasn’t going to beat Edge, so they won’t put it on him now. Batista, ponderous and predictable as he is, is the most over guy on Smackdown, it has to go with him.

The thing to look at, though, is how they get Rey Mysterio back into the picture, seeing as how he was scheduled to return to a programme with Edge.

John Cena v Bobby Lashley – WWE Championship
“This town ain’t big enough for the both of us”. The understandable but annoying push of John Cena, against the unfathomable and undeserved push of Bobby Lashley, resulting in likely the most unwatchable and unattractive spectacle of a match in some time. I just find Lashley’s act so utterly boring. He has no mic skills. He has no charisma. Not just a little, but none. His facial expressions are equal to that of a small pebble. He certainly isn’t a big Rock in the promo department.

Cena, however, though most of us are bored of him, is still fairly good on the stick, except his occasional forays into material cut from American Pie 3 to keep the 14-year-olds who like that sort of humour happy. (“ha ha, Cena said ‘Poop’. I’ll buy the Bash now.”)

I do give the WWE a lot of flak for their booking, but I also will continue to note the long term absences of Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Undertaker, Rey Mysterio, now Edge, and formerly Booker T and Ken Kennedy. Factor in the loss of RVD and you are looking at a massive dearth of talent.

This is the type of match that would have been greatly aided by the addition of a special ref, a no-holds-barred clause with havoc aplenty, and a touch of overbooking, because frankly it is very unappetizing and unappealing (I thought of two more ‘uns’).

I’m holding my ground from before, and going for a DQ rip-off ending. Booker T and Kennedy to interfere and cause chaos leading to a no-contest ending. Think Bret Hart v Diesel, Royal Rumble ’95.

There we go then, another set of guesses, logic and wishful thinking. I’m going to watch the whole thing.

Well, I’ll have a bash, anyway.

WWE + RAW - General Thoughts

With the Great American Bash approaching, it is time to at least attempt to put the Chris Benoit and Vince McMahon issues behind us. Let’s focus on what we all want to see and why we all watch in the first place – the in-ring action and the TV product.

This week on RAW we moved closer to finding out the card for The Great American Bash. And it’s an intriguing one – in a rather ambivalent sort of way.

The main event is the immovable object meeting the irresistible force. The Black Hole of Charisma v the man redefining the word controversy. Well, the WWE definition of controversial is someone who elicits a response from the crowds that they don’t want.

My first instinct here is to be intrigued. How will they sort this out? John Cena has been give the monster heel treatment of late. Khali, Umaga – throw Cena a string of seemingly unbeatable freaks and he’ll pull off the win somehow. Cena’s best feud by a country mile was his one with Shawn Michaels, and I hope HBK comes back fit and healthy and can maybe challenge Cena again – if he is still champion.

Lashley also spent time battling Umaga, and the combined forces of McMahon, and is the other untouchable on the roster.

The biggest problem I have between the two is the fan perception, both now and in the past. John Cena is where he is because people cottoned on to his act and began to back him. His career path is eerily similar to The Rock. Came in as basically himself, a green worker with an underdog-like gimmick, but when that didn’t really fly, showed that he had a personality and an edge by essentially being an asshole.

This was entertaining enough that eventually the fans bought into it, thus basically turning Cena face. As time has gone on, the thing that fans have turned on is not really Cena as an act, but Cena as a concept, someone who obviously isn’t the most gifted wrestler in the bracket of an Angle, Triple H, Jericho, Michaels and (whisper it) Benoit.

Lashley, however, from day one, was shoved down our throats. Because it worked pushing Brock Lesnar as “The Next Big Thing” from his first appearance, they thought they might be able to rekindle the magic. Don’t get me wrong, Lashley is really over at the moment. However, he is over with people who just cheer when they are told to. They are not the people that the WWE want to force to part with their hard-earned cash. Cena is a drawing champion, Batista was to an extent, Lashley can’t carry the company in the same way, he doesn’t put on 5-star matches or have a great charisma. Actually, I think he is a very lucky boy to be in that position.

So the mark in me wants to find out who the WWE will put over and push as the top man. The realist in me says that there will be one of two finishes likely.

1) While the ref is knocked out, Lashley hits a spear and gets a visual fall for 3. Either a ref from the back come out and Cena just about kicks out, or Lashley takes ages reviving the official, and Cena gets a schoolboy or an FU. Either way both men look ok for it. Cena comes out champ, Lashley says he should have won, we get a rematch at Summerslam.
2) Booker, Kennedy and any applicable others insert themselves and it leads to a double DQ, exactly the way the WWF bottled it back in the day, when Bret Hart faced Diesel (Kevin Nash) at Royal Rumble 1995.

I can’t see any way that it’ll be a clean finish. If you have your own opinion on the finish, do let me know.

Elsewhere on the card, Kane, who has spent the last few years tagging with Big Show, going mad when he heard the date May 19th, fighting an unexplained bloke who was dressed like he used to be, feuding (and losing) to Umaga, feuding with MVP before he was any good, briefly tangling with Booker T, and losing snoozefests with Khali and Mark Henry.

So logically he is the number one contender.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always quite liked Kane. He’s been a strong hand for a fairly long time, and at least he and Edge have had a couple of decent matches in the past. It’s just that you can’t help but think that this is sheer desperation.

Johnny Nitro and CM Punk will go at it again, and here you can see Punk taking the belt after a review of what has gone on. I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume that the idea was for Benoit to be ECW Champion, marginally beating Punk, with Punk chasing the title and Benoit improving the Straightedge star by association.

Now that this is obviously out of the equation, I can’t see Nitro really carrying a brand, and I don’t think it was intended this way, it was a snap decision and short term measure.

I suppose the match that’ll carry a lot of build up and intrigue will be the supposed return of Dusty Rhodes to face Randy Orton. My first thought when they were building it up was that it’d become Dusty & Cody to face Randy & Cowboy Bob.

Here’s what I’ll throw up for you – Cody heel turn. My take is that the WWE decide that Cody Runnels/Rhodes (he got called both on RAW, so I don’t know what they’ll go with) is ready for the main roster. They want to use his famous father to help him make the transition, and who better to use in conjunction with a legend, than the Legend Killer Randy Orton.

But think of the history with Goldust (Dustin Runnels) and his father. They teamed in the early days, but Dustin and Virgil (Dusty) haven’t always hit it off. I think that you might see an Orton v Dusty match where Orton dominates, Cody comes to the ring, Dusty fights back, and Cody nails his old man.

Cody is associated on screen with Randy Orton to help him get over. His reason for the turn is that his Dad never put him first, he always put wrestling first. This would also create a great springboard for a career, rather than the WWE simply saying: “Here’s a new guy, he’s good/evil (delete as applicable).”

Anyway, this likely won’t happen. Randy will destroy Dusty, leading to Cody wanting revenge and a future grudge match. However, a spanner in those works is that allegedly Triple H will be back in time for Summerslam, and he wants to work a programme with Orton.

Hmm, we’ll see about this one.

Either way, the segment with Orton and Dusty was by far and away the strongest on RAW, with The Dream reminding us all what he can do on the stick, and Randy playing the smug young smart-ass to the hilt. Terrific stuff.

We’re looking at Melina v Candice again at the Bash. I could do a really seedy joke about having a bash to this match…………so I will…………

Melina & Candice at the Bash? We’ll all be having a bash at that one, won’t we lads?

Went well I thought.

The only other confirmed match, as far as I know, is Batista v Khali, but this will be so interminably awful I don’t even want to talk about it until I have to. This is my blog and I can do what I like.

Back soon for more thoughts.