And another thing...........

As an addendum to the previous points about John Cena being part of the Big Show and Floyd Mayweather programme,:

John Cena's upcoming WWE film project is called.............12 Rounds.

I'm just saying.

Floyd Mayweather in WWE. Pretty exciting, and boy will that mean Money!

For those of you that didn't see No Way Out, I expect you know by now that Floyd Mayweather got involved in the Big Show's return.

As Show hoisted the injured Rey Mysterio in the air for a chokeslame, Floyd ran to the ring, hopped over the ropes and got in Show's face.

After some typical jostling of entourages etc, Big Show went onto his knees to give Mayweather a free shot. And the man known as Pretty Boy, the WBC Welterweight Champion, landed at least two clean blows to Big Show's face. Show chased Floyd & co away as Shane McMahon appeared to try to placate Big Show.

The above is not a wrestling commentary. It is genuine account fo what happened. Mayweather hit Show legit, and while I don't think for a second it wasn't planned, I do think that when Show appeared in front of the camera with a bloody nose and mouth that it was a hardway piece of juicing.

So what now? Perhaps this was a one shot event, although I doubt it. Mayweather is a huge deal, and possibly the biggest name in World Boxing right now.

This is not Pacman Jones. This is much bigger, and is, like, so totally Wrestlemania, dude.

Initial thoughts were a boxing match between the two. Boxing has been done before at Wrestlemania. One with Roddy Piper v Mr T (work) and once with Butterbean v Bart Gunn (shoot, and an embarassing one at that). We have also seen Sumo at Mania, with Big Show taking on Japanese Sumo star Akebono (work). Also, don't forget the involvement of a huge sports star in a main event at Mania - see Lawrence Taylor at Wrestlemania 11.

WWE may choose to go down the Pacman route, and make Mayweather's contest a tag match. This is a traditional method of involving celebrities, from Jay Leno to Dennis Rodman in WCW, and has been reported as the most likely method seeing Mayweather in the ring, sans big red gloves.

So how would the match pan out? Well, with Show on one side, his partner could very likely be Shane O Mac himself. For the purposes of making the bout look even, if Show's partner was Umaga or someone pretty tough, it would make Mayweather's involvement seem less plausible.

Especially since Floyd's partner might be lined up as Rey Mysterio. This, of course, may be in jeopardy, thanks for Rey's bicep tear. So if we have Big Show and Shane McMahon on one side, and assume that Mysterio cannot join up with Money Mayweather, who is going to step up? I have the perfect answer.

John Cena.

Its perfect. Cena didn't win the title last night, and although the rumoured Mania main event of Triple H v Cena v Orton could still be in the works, its not an essential component. You can take Cena out and still have a reasonably intriguing contest, no matter what the Hunter-haters may think.

If Cena is not in the title match, then I fail to see how any other match can be big enough for him at Wrestlemania if it is not something like this. Cena is by far and away WWE's biggest and most marketable star, no matter what people think of his in-ring ability. He would be able to carry the feud vocally, he always steps up for big matches, and this would give him the extra mainstream publcity, alongside Mayweather, that he would surely crave.

Rey might be semi-fit and try to gut this one out, as he did last night, but a biceps tear will not heal in 42 days, and I can't see Mayweather being able to carry this one alone if Mysterio does not make it.

If he cannot, then there would be no better replacement than John Cena.

No Way Out live notes and instant reaction

If the Road to Wrestlemania starts at the Royal Rumble, I guess this is the late night car park which we got lock into, just off that road. What with it being called No Way Out and all. We just have to sit back, watch the cars bound for Glory Orlando to drive by, and wait for the attendant to unlock the car park in the morning.

So, since we are going nowhere for a bit, we may as well watch a bit of telly.

01.03am

As usual, we have had the video introduction. And as usual, when the Chamber is involved, it is the most evil structure eve conceived, and nothing could be worse.

That is, of course, until we get to Vengeance, or something, and we have a Hell in a Cell, and the same adjectives are rolled out again. Also, we need to keep an ear out for Michael Cole doing a reference to the chamber being a wild animal or a carnivore or something.

To start with, we are going with the ECW title match. Yeah, that’s an equal brand. Of course it is.

01.10am

Joey Styles does the usual countries run down. That means King won’t do it. Which might mean no Liechtenstein reference tonight. Boo.

Match is ok, by the way.

01.14am

A surprisingly over Chavo wins this one clean, which I’m a little surprised about. I thought that Chavito would be the man to keep the belt here, but I’m surprised at Punk being cleanly pinned, without at least getting a false finish in.

I’m sure the whole world will now say this is because Punk is in the doghouse. That guy should invest in a kennel if those rumours are true every time

01.19am

Backstage, Rey Mysterio is interviewed by Mike A-dumb-guy, who asked Rey about his injury. Rey says it is torn by he will still win. Interesting to see that they have addressed Rey’s injury, and I suspect that may mean that Edge beats him due to the arm breaking down.

Mysterio is interrupted by boxer Floyd Mayweather Jnr, who talks to Rey. Except he didn’t, because both men simply said things at one another, which did not answer the other’s questions. Hard to know the point of the current WBC Welterweight champion turning up. He did shake Rey by the hand. Which ripped his bicep a little more.

01.30am

Khali and Big Daddy V just about fit into the pods, and do so along with MVP and Finlay. It will be Batista and Undertaker to start this off.

Finlay’s music is now the same as Hornswoggle’s.

01.37am

Generic battling by Undertaker and Big Dave, before the countdown starts and the spotlights flicker.
Big Daddy V is next into the match. Despite the spotlight falling on Great Khali. Hmm. Someone will get hell for that.

01.39am

Big Daddy pushes Taker towards the wall of the chamber........and the Deadman falls through the door, falling awkwardly on his arm. I’m fairly sure that was unintentional. This match was always going to be a bit slow anyway, but that’s two (I think) mistakes not halfway through it.

01.43am

Big Daddy V is pinned by Batista before Great Khali’s light shines, and this time the big man is in to a big “You can’t wrestle” chant.

He is soon eliminated thanks to the undead zombie knowing shoot fighting submission holds.

01.46am
Finlay is in now, and this match is far from a classic, but at least they had the good sense to get the two big lumps out the way. But why book them in it in the first place?

01.50am

Coach and Cole describe the glass comprising the cell as ‘bullet-proof’. But not Taker proof, as within 90 seconds of them saying this, Finlay throws Undie straight through it.

01.52am

After a neat spot where Taker was waiting for MVP to enter, so Porter tried not to come out, MVP has completed the line up, and four men remain.

01.57am

We are down to the two who started it, Batista and Undertaker, but two cool spots to eliminate MVP and Finlay have livened the match.

First, Taker did a modified chokeslam from the top of a pod on MVP, getting rid of him, then after Hornswoggle appeared to give Finlay a shillelagh to pound the others, Taker managed to chokeslam him over the rope and onto the grate.

Both men are bleeding, and the crowd are eating up the action. Reactions just for punches right now.

02.04am

Predictable outcome, as Taker wins, but with an amazing counter into the tombstone which description cannot do justice.

That actually turned into quite a nice match, although I found to hard to get emotionally into the match, as I was so sure that Taker would win.

Backstage, Teddy Long bans The Edgeheads from ringside. Next up is Kennedy v Flair.

02.20am

For what it was, a great little match. I would have liked to have seen it go longer, but what there was of it was extremely good. Save for two moments. Firstly, Flair’s ass. Possibly the only man as proud of his ass as Vince McMahon, Ric managed to air his rear to the world on PPV yet again. Secondly, there was a very obviously spot where Kennedy pulled Flair into an inside cradle while the Nature Boy was trying to put on a Figure 4.

But I’m picking. Kennedy broke out the figure 4 round the post, as JR brilliantly called it having been not sued since Bret Hart. And it was fitting that there was a man wearing black tights, who is excellent on the mic, with bleached blonde hair, playing the heel role to the hilt. And that man was Ken Kennedy, not Ric Flair.

I enjoyed this, but I would have liked to have seen Kennedy be the one to end it for Flair at Mania.

02.37am

Edge v Rey was next, and to be fair it was quite poor, but that is understandable. The pace was very slow, considering the combatants, and it seemed that they were simply going through the motions to set up a few spots. Rey looked in genuine discomfort.

02.48am

Well, it’s the Big Show. Paul Wight is here, and he is smiling. I thought for a moment that he was here to annihilate Rey Mysterio, who was still at ringside recovering when Show’s music hit.

And I’d be right. After some generic waffle about winning titles and losing weight, Show grabbed Mysterio and threw him in the ring. He taunted Mayweather, at ringside, and as Show lifted Mysterio in the ring for a chokeslam, Pretty Boy Floyd, brother of Freddie Joe (not really) hit the ring.

It wasn’t quite Austin/Tyson, as the two faced off, but eventually Mayweather landed one on Show, who had bend down to challenge the Welterweight champ, who then scarpered with his entourage. Show gave chase, and was stopped by Shane McMahon. Show was bleeding a ton from his nose. Cool visual

Mayweather v Show at Mania? Surely not...........

Amazing segment, providing it leads somewhere. If Mayweather is involved with Mania, it’s going to draw a ton of publicity. Seriously, if you did not see this, is was played magnificently. Think a combination of Lawrence Taylor and Mike Tyson’s build to Mania.

Interesting that the commentators said nothing after Show began talking. Straight after the segment there was a Wrestlemania vignette, a shot of Jeff Hardy backstage, then it was thrown to the WEF’s Mike Adamle – that’s what he said instead of WWE. My God he is hopeless –who built up Orton v Cena. The Floyd/Show encounter was not mentioned.

02.56am

King did a countries run down. Still no Liechtenstein. L

Oh, and Orton and Cena are in the ring. WWE title match is now. Raw chamber last it seems.

03.17am

Terrific match. Slightly lame ending, but once again totally understandable taking into account where they are trying to take this. Also, this probably explains why it was not on last.

Basically, Orton played his heel role marvellously, although Cena got his usual mix of cheers and boos. (Not to be confused with Ron Simmons, Jake Roberts or Scott Hall. They said “Cheers” too much. And drunk too much booze. And our PPV money is helping [ay for their recovery.)

A very good ‘Cena’ match, if you know what I mean, with the story being that Orton tried to get out of the match but getting Cena counted out, then himself, then Cena again. When he didn’t think he could win it, he slapped the ref who had to throw the match out.

The build of tension was great in this match. In fact, it’s been very good all night. Orton is a terrific heel. They call Batista an animal, but Orton’s actions remind me of a Lioness in a nature documentary, stalking prey and acting the carnivore.

If you are going to book finishes that are not clean, this is basically the way to do it. It made total sense, storyline-wise.

03.28am

The chamber match will begin with Michaels and Jericho. For some reason Lillian introduced some men with weights and some without. Ross said that the Chamber “has been called Satan’s Structure”. Yes, but only by you Jim. The rest of us say “Elimination Chamber” – because that’s its name.

03.35am

Great start to this contest with one blip. Umaga is in as the third man, after a terrific exchange between HBK and Y2J for the opening sequence. Umaga predictably dominates, hitting an amazing double Samoan Drop.

However, he did try to do a modified Bansai Drop on HBK using the steel, but missed by a few inches. Unfortunately for him, the camera was in close up. I think the live audience missed it though.

03.38am

JBL is in, and bizarrely breaks up a double submission that Y2J and HBK have on the man they (Regal) call Yoomanga.

Michaels is bleeding bucketloads, but no-one knows why. They keep showing replays of people beating on Michaels, but its hard to tell when he bladed. But man is he juicing.

03.42am

Triple H in next an on fire from the outset. Jericho and Michaels are bumping like crazy in this one.

JBL is the first one out. Trips was about to pedigree Y2J when JBL hit the clothesline from hell on the game. Jericho interrupts with the Codebreaker. JBL brings a chair in to clean up on everyone in anger at his loss. Hmmm. I thought he might have just done Jericho, to avenge the pin and lead to a Mania date, but he landed everyone, even Umaga. Actually, he didn’t hit Hunter, who was already down. Jericho and Michaels got their hands up, Umaga took an unprotected one. Jericho has now bladed too.

03.44am

Jeff is in last, with only Umaga standing.

03.48am

Umaga in gone. And how. After an ass crash to Jericho through a pod, he sets up Y2J for a spike, but gets hit with Chin music. Y2J hits the Codebreaker, the Triple H with a pedigree. Just to ram it home, Jeff hits a Swanton from the top of a pod. Can’t see him winning now. If he was going to win, he’d have ended with that.

Bodies fall quickly now. Chin music to Jericho and a pin by Hardy gets rid of Chris, and after a twist of fate to Michaels, Hunter throws Hardy away but then pedigrees and pins his DX colleague.

Hardy and Triple H left, and the crowd are pro-Jeff.

03.51am

Oh my. A bloody Hunter is shocked in the ring because Hardy kicked out of a pedigree. Who does he think he is, Ultimate f’n Warrior? Could he do it?

03.53am


Err, no. Its over, and Triple H wins. The chair that was brought in earlier was placed centre of the ring, and Jeff tried the twist of fate on it. Trips countered, sending Jeff back first onto the chair. Pedigree on the steel next, and its over.

Fabulous match. Amazingly booked. And Hardy still looks a million dollars. He has to win the belt after Mania. Has to.

03.55am

End show, and it was an absolute belter. Terrific Pay Per View event, with only really Edge v Rey a letdown, and that was more than understandable.

Two outstandingly good Chambers, booked almost impeccably considering the talent inside, a quality WWE title match with a forgivable DQ ending, and two serviceable matches with Flair/Kennedy and Punk/Chavo.

Two out of two for WWE in 2008 so far. 42 days to Mania............

No Way Out - Preview

Tonight is No Way Out, this year the only Pay Per View between the annual curtain jerker of the Royal Rumble and the main event Wrestlemania. We shall have to see whether No Way Out will prove to be a perennial mid-carder, or a surprise show stealer.

I thought the Rumble was a superb event. Although some of the undercard could have better, it was probably only a slight letdown because the quality of talent was so high, huge things, possibly too huge things, were expected.

I wrote in Fighting Spirit Magazine a couple of months ago about how Pay Per Views are far to frequent now, and I stand by this theory, despite the quality of the Rumble in Madison Square Garden. Three weeks is a very short build up, and when the next event after this is Mania, this seems like even more a lame duck Pay Per View.

The card is stacked though. Another Flair career decider, Orton v Cena and two Elimination chambers set up a decent looking show, despite doubt over Rey Mysterio’s participation in another contest. But with the rumoured Wrestlemania card taking shape, it seems possible to predict the outcomes of most contests..............or is it?

The main reason why I so loved the Rumble was that they sprung a major surprise with John Cena. There was not even a hint of a whisper about his sudden return, and it made it seem very special indeed. It was virtually set in stone, in many experts’ eyes, that Triple H or the Undertaker were nailed on to win the Rumble. But neither man did. Once again, The Game and the Deadman are tipped to end the night victorious. Will this be the case?

Let take a look at each match individually.

ECW World Title – CM Punk v Chavo Guerrero.
Not only does this title mean increasingly little – it is the only one defended on TV, Chavo was in the Rumble – but these guys have clashed loads of times already. It hardly sets pulses racing. Punk has hit a flat point in his development right now, but is still very over. I’d say that his destination is more likely to be the Money in the Bank ladder match for Mania, assuming they have one, and would be a very real candidate for winning it.

I see Chavo winning this, possibly with interference from somewhere within the Guerrero/Edgeheads faction.

In fact, throwing it out there, Punk is the only man with any current, or recent, issue with Edge apart from Mysterio and Undertaker. Perhaps Punk could be involved in the picture for Edge’s title? Just a thought.

Prediction: Chavo Guerrero.

Mr Kennedy v Ric Flair – Career threatening match.
I’ll go back to what I said for the Rumble, when I was looking at the booking of that. Then, Flair took on MVP, and I suggested (not predicted) a storyline for Flair.

It seems to me that you could do a great angle by having Kennedy win the match in controversial fashion. It pulls a swerve on those thinking that Flair will keep winning until Wrestlemania. You then have a Ric Flair Tribute on Raw looking back on his great career and highlights. You have Shawn and Hunter console Ric and plead with Vince not to make Ric retire. Vince then says he will close the show by openly firing Flair, but during his doing so, he is interrupted. Last time I said by Linda, but I’d now have Hornswaggle do it, with Finlay. Using Horny’s power as a McMahon, somehow, the decision is overturned because Flair’s leg was under the ropes or something. Vince goes nuts and we’d end the show with Flair putting Vince in the Figure 4.

However, the likelihood of WWE creative channelling my thoughts or reading my blog is pretty slim, so I’d say that, for now, Ric will win in very much the same fashion he beat MVP.

I’m a little worried about the rumours that Ric Flair will face HBK in his final match. I’d really like for Flair to put over an up and coming star in his last encounter, so unless they have Ric go over at Mania and retire somewhere down the line, I’m a bit disappointed that it might be Shawn to retire Flair. It doesn’t seem to lead anywhere, and Michaels doesn’t need the rub.
Prediction – Ric Flair

Smackdown/ECW Elimination Chamber – Undertaker, Big Daddy V, MVP, Batista, Finlay, Great Khali.
This looks anything but a classic, and hopefully will not be too torturous. I would guess that Khali, Big Daddy V, Batista and Undertaker will start in the pods, allowing the two WRESTLERS to open the match. I’d expect a big heel to be out next, followed by a face, then heel then face, to allow the reaction for the big cleaning of house.

Expect Finlay to have a strong showing, since he is involved with Vince at the moment, but not to win. They won’t headline Wrestlemania with Khali or V, and MVP is simply not at that level yet – although Money in the Bank could well beckon for him, depending on Matt Hardy’s progress. Its down to Taker and Batista, and you really do have to side with the Deadman here.

Prediction – Undertaker

Raw Elimination Chamber – Triple H, Jeff Hardy, Shawn Michaels, JBL, Chris Jericho, Umaga
The line-up in this chamber is far more appetising, and things could happen in any order really. I’d expect this to be a decent encounter, with only JBL really not in my mind a great worker, and it will be interesting to see where in the card they place this one.

Rumours continue that Jericho will face JBL at Mania, but with Jericho beating his rival on Raw last week, cleanly, I’m not so sure. It will be interesting to keep an eye on these two, and whether they affect each other’s progress in the match.

We can dust off the old McNichol Eliminator 2.0 (one more than Matt Hardy) here to get rid of Umaga, who will not be in a position to headline Wrestlemania. Jericho v Cena makes no sense, and we have just seen Orton v Jericho, so you can scratch Y2J off. JBL is nowhere near being ready for a match of that magnitude, so he’s out too.

That leaves Jeff Hardy, Shawn Michaels and Triple H. I’d say given that HBK v Cena was the programme last year, and that he was had a long run not long ago with Orton, that it won’t be the Showstopper.

Just Hardy and The Game left.

Common sense says it will be Hunter, doesn’t it? Triple H v Orton v Cena is the rumour, but The Game taking on either man in a singles would also make sense. As much as I would like to see Jeff Hardy given he nod, I just can’t see it. If they were going to go with him, big-time, they would have done it at the Royal Rumble.

I’d love for a big surprise. But I can’t see it. Hardy the most likely apart from the obvious, but as much as I’ve analysed this looking for another answer, I have to write the following..........

Prediction – Triple H

World Heavyweight Title – Edge v Rey Mysterio..............maybe
This match is in danger because of a possible bicep tear for Rey. I’m not sure whether it is a good thing for him to wrestle here or not.

On the pro side, this match has the potential to be good, and will be the match a lot of people have bought the PPV to see. Rey has a big following.

However, if he is not 100%, three things could happen. One is that he wrestles half-tilt, meaning the match is sub-standard. The second is that he wrestles too hard, making the tear worse. The third is that he breaks down mid-match, forcing a quick and untimely end to it.

Obviously it all depends on the severity of the injury, but if it is not right, I’d say that it is best he doesn’t wrestle at all. The WWE came up with a genius storyline when Triple H and Orton wrestled twice against each other after Cena’s injury. I don’t see why they couldn’t come up with another clever story for Edge to have an alternate opponent or something.

Knowing Rey, I’d say he’ll try to work through the pain, and since he isn’t going over anyway, they’ll likely cut the match a bit short and let Edge take the win he is scheduled for in any case.

Prediction – Edge

WWE Title – Randy Orton v John Cena

I’d say that they’d go with this as the main event, and although many are saying that a bullshit finish will take place, I’d be more inclined to guess that we will see a clean ending. And a new champion.

Logic dictates to me that if Triple H wins the Chamber, then he is due to face the champion at Wrestlemania. If Orton were to win, in whatever manner, there is no real sense in having Cena added to the match at a later stage. You lost, you had your chance, now skedaddle.

Orton losing, on the other hand, allows the use of the ole’ rematch clause, one which Orton’s character has effectively used before. I’d expect Cena to will this one clean, and for Orton to try to invoke his rematch clause for Wrestlemania, antagonising Triple H, and thus making for the triple threat that is expected.

Prediction - John Cena, cleanly.

Enjoy No Way Out, guys, I’ll be back in the minutes following the PPV with my live notes.

Royal Rumble Live Notes

00.58am The Royal Rumble. My favourite Pay Per View all year, and I’m really excited about tonight’s event, which has a great looking card. As long as the finishes involved stand up to scrutiny, this could be the best WWE PPV for sometime.

01.02amWe’re at MSG, and I’m delighted that the stage is set up with the aisle in front of the camera, as it was in 2000. The NYC crowd in the Garden are almost always electric, and lest hope tonight is no example.

01.04amRic is out first, to a great reception, and I’d totally forgotten that Coach was the SD commentator (I haven;t seen Smackdown for a few weeks). Customary “Wooooo” and another great Flair promo to start the night. Making everything feel like a huge deal every time he has a match now is a very wise move, because you want to think that when Ric finally goes that it will have that special feel. It won’t be tonight though.

01.06amNice touch to get MVP to walk that aisle (sorry Ric) and have his music hit when Flair was still talking, generate more heat for him, as if he needed it. Ironically, the words of MVP’s theme song says “Can you hear the clock ticking?” and “I want you to remember me”. Prescient words?

01.15amRelatively short match, but an appropriate beginning to the show. Flair goes over clean, and in a match which was certainly more than adequate. Some nice spots, expcially whe Flair was counted out for the fall, but ironically it was referee, L’il Naitch, Charles Robinson who saw his mistake and noted Flair’s foot on the ropes.

Flair wins with a Figure 4 and continues the angle of his retirement. Who will be next? (I don’t mean Goldberg)

01.17am
Vince gives Hornswaggle a pep talk backstage, telling the little bastard that he shouldn’t trust anyone. Certainly not his make up lady. Who keeps putting dirt on his face, dammit?

01.20am
Back to ringside, and JR introduces us to Mike Adamle (that is his surname, I know it looks like half a name) who looks terrified, frankly, despite JR telling us that he is an experienced broadcaster. His job is to introduce the vignette about the Y2J/JBL rivalry. I think so, anyway, because all I can look at is his hair. Its about a foot high on his head. An all this in the very famous arena where, at Wrestlemania 10, Cy Spurling, of the Hair Club for men make Howard Finkel a wig. Spurling for the Hall of Fame celebrity wing 2008!

01.22am
Jericho is on his way to the ring, and if you are watching this in Liechtenstein (I got my ‘Stein reference in before King this time) it is 2.22am. How fitting.

01.34am
As we thought, this one ends in a DQ, with Jericho landing a chairshot on the head of JBL. Jericho bladed like a mad thing in this one, and this one had some believable offense from both guys. However, the actual wrestling was sub-standard, and because the outcome was fairly expected, the edge was lost form the match.

In fact, the biggest reaction came after the match when Jericho hung JBL with a cable, much like JBL did to Jericho a couple of weeks ago. I’d expect a strap match to come between these two next. The obvious plan is to go more than one PPV with this programme, and you get the feeling that a NO DQ stip will help them no end.

01.40am
Santino gets a few seconds on camera, maybe more than he’ll get in the actual rumble match. He berates Ashley for trying to recruit Maria to her ‘boobie’ magazine. Haha, this is ironic because Ashley clearly does not have boobies, but instead has two fitted plastic contraptions on her chest.

01.47am
We have the announcements for the World Title match, and I’d say that Edge is more over than Rey here. Split crowd, but like when I talk about Cena, at least people have an opinion. Michaels Cole is normally full of horse you-know-what, but this, as he said, really does feel like it has a ‘big match feel’.

02.01am
That was nearly a classic. Very well thought out match, with the story being Rey having a hurt leg, and having to make a comeback with moves other than his usual. This led to a fantastic spot where Mysterio did a baseball slide to Edge on the outside, but slid head first and pulled Edge into a DDT. To me, the ending was both exceptional and annoying. I loved the final spot, where Edge speared a mid air Rey, who was bouncing over the ropes with a springboard attack. However, I think this ending was strong enough without them having to do a spot before this, where Rey had the 3 count over Edge, only for Vickie to pull the ref. I don’t think it was necessary to hurt Edge in that way. If he is supposed to be a legit contender to take on Taker, shouldn’t he be able to beat a one legged little fella?

02.07am
Fun little segment backstage with Kennedy, Flair, Batista, HHH and HBK. Maybe Flair will put KK over at Mania?

02.14am
Fantastic in-ring segment. Basically the premise was that Ashley asked Maria to do Playboy, which of course prompted Santino to emerge. Good lord that man is superb on the stick. He got cheered massively when he came out, only to have the whole arena booing his within seconds. Genius.

02.19am
Orton v Hardy is next. Wait, no, its Jeff HARVEY apparently, as the new, experienced broadcaster gets the number one contender and the hottest guy in wrestling right now’s name wrong.

MSG pops big for Jeff, but I’m now fearing my own rule. I said in the preview that if this match was pre-Rumble then Orton would win. Post Rumble and I’d go for Hardy. Its pre, so as much as I hate it, I think Orton will go over.

02.40am
Damn. I suppose it was always the most likely scenario, but even though I’d written how I thought that Orton would win, in my heart I still thought Jeff could do it. And although the ending was neat – RKO from the Twist of Fate – there was very little warning. I know that you want a bit of an impact at the end, but Jeff never even got a few false finishes to make his fight seem credible.
I’d suggest that Jeff will go very close in the Chamber then win the Money in the Bank. They have to give him a shot, surely, at some point.

02.48am
Michael Buffer (WCW guy) is here to tell us the rules we all know, the rules of the Rumble – we probably know better than you, Michael. He has to read it off of a card.

A nice video aired to hype the Rumble.

Buffer does some Triple H gimmick infringement (I kid, I know he did it first) Man, I would have marked if Buffer has said “Suck it”.

02.51am
The Rumble will be 90 seconds for entry this year, and now we know why. Undertaker has drawn number one, and takes 26 minutes to reach the ring.

So either the Deadman is going ‘coast to coast’, or my prediction will go up in smoke. And, oh my HBK is number two.

02.56am
Santino is three, and to a big pop. The next big pop is HBK’s boot on his jaw. Taker throws him out. Still love you Santino.

02.58am – and that’s the last of the timechecks.....

Khali is four, and once again he is gone before the next guy comes in. Big “you can’t wrestle” chant for the big Punjabi block of wood, and Taker gets rid of him. HBK is sneaking up on Taker but getting nowhere.

Hardcore Holly is 5, and it seems the ring may begin to fill with midcarders?

Yep, here’s Morrison at 6. Michaels throws Morrison but the former Mr Nitro does a cool survival spot. HBK hits a top rope elbow, but looks like he has a busted mouth.

Big reaction for Tommy Dreamer as number 7. He might be the most over guy in the ring right now. I am not kidding.

Batista is 8 and beats on guys until facing up to Taker. Interrupted by Dreamer, who gets thrown out by the Animal. Big Dave with a spear to Morrison, and we go back to standard Rumble action.

Comedy at 9 – its Hornswaggle. And, to a good call from JR, shades of Jerry Lawler as l’il Horny hides under the ring. Batista and Taker going at it a lot here, HBK does another standard piece of athleticism, i.e going over the top and under the bottom.

Palumbo completes the first third of the match. Santino, Khali and Dreamer the only men out so far.

These 90 seconds feel quick. Predictably, Noble is out next to face up to Chuck, and gets quite a decent ‘Jamie Noble’ chant. It doesn’t last long, because he is gone within a minute.

In one corner Palumbo is beating down Undertaker, perhaps telling him that he is best at the biker gimmick. Which of course may or may not be true.

Great reaction for Punk, who lands a load of knees before getting levelled by Taker. Palumbo marginally survives on the apron before Punk knocks him down.

Cody Rhodes is number 13, and it means both he and Holly are in the ring. Cody helps Holly from a Taker beating, and actually gets Taker to sell........eventually. By the way, Michaels has done another clever piece of survival since I last reported on, but I can’t be bothered to do it every time, so just assume it keeps happening.

Umaga is 14, and is in brand new blood red tights. He lands a few stiff looking shots all over the place, and then Samoan Spikes Hardcore right out of there. Beatdown for Batista by Umaga, before UT breaks it up.

Snitsky at 15 as HBK continues to fly around the place like he is on a pneumatic bungee rope. Cody does a nice spot trying to eliminate Snitsky quickly, with both of them going over the top but holding on. JR compares Morrison to Michaels, and in fairness Morrison has looked good so far.

The Miz, complete with “X-Pac heat” goes right for Punk. Undertaker and Umaga are spending a lot of time matched up at this point – remember that this feud has been talked of for a while.

Can’t believe we are up to 17 already, and its Shelton. Massiev vertical leap to the top rope to knock both Miz and Morrison down. I don’t know what they were doing up there, I guess fighting each other.

However, despite Shelton being a likely candidate for going a long time, he is superkicked out by HBK. I guess there is some stopping him.

From a superkick to a superfly? 18 is.......Jimmy Snuka? Ok, the husk or the corpse of the Superfly anyway. He gets a few shots in, and has already lasted longer than Shelton. What’s the point of that?

Huge pop for number 19 (including me) as Piper is next. A nostalgia section, perhaps. Everyone has stopped to see Piper and Snuka get it on. Piper hasn’t brought a coconut to hit Snuka with.

Party pooper time. As everyone gets back into it, Kane is next, and dumps both Piper and Snuka. Massive chokeslam for Miz. Seriously, that was fantastic to see Roddy back. Hopefully his health issues are also eliminated.

Taker teases a chokeslam for Kane but goes after HBK the spider monkey instead. Carlito is 21, and has some nice interaction with Morrison and CM Punk.

22, wow this is going quick, is Mick Foley. Notables still to come are Triple H, Ken Kennedy, Big Daddy V, Mark Henry and Finlay. There are literally bodies flying everywhere, and it should be pointed out that although #2 Michaels is flying everywhere, Taker hasn’t looked like being threatened.

23 is Mr Kennedy, to a big reaction and chant. I don’t care what he says in interviews that make him look an idiot, I love Kennedy. I still say he is the next Steve Austin. He eats a chokeslam pretty quickly here though.

Taker clatters Umaga and Snitsky, and then HBK and Morrison. Second wind for Taker.

Speaking of seconds, here is a man who likes to go back for seconds, Big Daddy V.

And as he arrives, the complexion of the match changes. Taker throws Snitsky, is blindsided by a Michaels superkick which eliminates the Deadman, but Kennedy gets rid of HBK.

Taker takes out frustration on Snitsky outside with a legdrop on the table......apparently, because it wasn’t shown on TV.

Mark Henry is next, and as Miz is hanging over the ropes, Hornswaggle emerges to pull Miz out. He then dives back under the ring, and we then get a replay of Taker’s leg drop on Snitsky.

If you believed that ECW was an equal brand, forget it now because Chavo is 26. So a world champion wants to win a match to get a word title shot.

Morrison is out, and as Hornswaggle tries to pull another one out, Mark Henry pulls him in. Big V and Henry look ready to squash Horny, but Finlay comes in with shillelagh to pound them. The two boys in green leave, but haven’t been eliminated.

JR now tells us that Finlay is DQ-ed for jumping the gun. Don’t know about Hornswaggle. Burke is 28, so Triple H is still to come, and I guess Finlay was 27, because we’ve jumped a number. So much for lucky 27 this year.

Triple H is 29, so minimal workload for him, but there are a lot of midcarders to squash. Gone is Cody first of all. Gone is Big Titty V. Triple H and Foley hook up, and Trips throws him out, straight into Burke who gets taken out in the melee. Batista got a spike from Umaga a few minutes ago and is still on the floor. I also missed CM Punk getting eliminated.

Number 30 is...........John Cena!! Everyone is stood back and watching, as Trips stands mid ring. Still mixed reaction for Cena, but its getting more positive as he throws out Chavo, Carlito and Henry.

Cena nd Trips get it on with Trips hitting a spine buster. Umaga, Kane, Kennedy and Batista are the only ones left. Except Hornswaggle I guess. Good god.

Batista eliminates Kennedy and Umaga, then Batista and Triple H throw Kane out. Fast eliminations, and its Cena, Triple H and Batista remaining.

If anything, I think the crowd is behind Cena. They are certainly rabid for the staredown. Each man does their ‘taunt’, and Triple H’s crotch gets the biggest cheer. Shut up, I meant a DX crotch chop.

This now resembles a triple threat, with Batista getting the upper hand. He Spinebusters Cena then counters a pedigree into one as well.

Cena backdrops out of a powerbomb and Triple H clotheslines Batista out.

Cena and Triple H. Wow I never saw this coming. This really is awesome. Nice spot as Trips points to the Mania sign in the arena. This is superb stuff but I’m terrified that they are going to do something with Hornswaggle.

Fistfight ensues and the crowd are behind the Game, firmly. Cena does a 5-knuckle, and I think JR called it as being like Van Hammer???? Each man counters the other’s finisher and we get a double clothesline. Both men down.

Trips runs at Cena on the tropes, but Cena gets his feet up. Cena tries to FU Trips out of the ring, but counter and a DDT by The Game.

Game puts Cena on the shoulder and tries to haul Cena out. Cena escapes and looks for the FU again. Triple H escapes but Cena gathers him up again. FU to the outside. Cena wins the Rumble.

CENA WINS THE RUMBLE.

I can’t believe I just typed that.

Fabulous Rumble match. Magnificently booked throughout, and if I have any gripes it’s that a few people were made to look very average indeed (Kennedy didn’t do much, Shelton lasted about 30 seconds, Chavo eliminated Punk) but generally fantastic.

The undercard of this PPV was a big letdown, but the main attraction was terrific. The Undertaker and Michaels elimination spot was handled very well indeed. The legends face off was pretty cool, and the crowd was ultra hot. In one way you’d like to have more than one Rumble a year, but it would lessen the impact. It truly is a great event.

Now if the WWE can just learn to stop booking the general storylines so bloody predictably we could be on the way back. The talent IS there. There are a lot of people over as well.

Now that people are back fit after injuries, look at the roster. Triple H, Edge, Orton, Cena, Batista, Taker, HBK, Kennedy, Umaga, Punk, Rey, Flair, MVP, Hardy. All are over, most are talented.

I’m only giving this PPV 7 out of 10 because I thought for nearly two hours that it was pretty poor. The Rumble match saved it.

I’m really looking forward to Raw, and will try to do a live recap of it if I can for you.

Royal Rumble preview

Ah, the Royal Rumble. Is, was and ever shall be my favourite ‘concept’ Pay Per View, and just chock full of great moments, some of which we have been living in the blog. It is obvious that I’m not going to be able to get through all the past Rumbles before this Sunday’s show piece, but I shall continue to do the retro reviews, and once I’m done with that, we may as well get started on Wrestlemania, I think!

Anyway, looking at this year’s event, and frankly, though I don’t say this very often, it looks a mouth-watering card. It’s very easy for people to sniff at WWE booking, and lord knows I do it enough, but as fans we should appreciate a positive when it comes along, and this has the potential to be just that.

Of course, we have had our expectations shattered before. But with a strong undercard and a loaded Rumble match we could be in for a hell of a night.

Worth paying attention to the match order here, potentially. The Jeff Hardy v Randy Orton match has been built up magnificently, and looks like the main event. Sometimes the Rumble match is on last, sometimes it isn’t, depending on the outcome. Look at 1997 which is the latest Retro Review – HBK in his hometown winning the title was the big babyface moment to round the show off. Put that in the middle of the show and end with Austin winning the Rumble and you change the complexion of the show.

I’d suggest that we see the Royal Rumble before Hardy/Orton then there is a stronger likelihood of Hardy going over, since you would think that to end with a huge babyface upset would be a better way of ending show than whoever wins the Rumble celebrating.

Will Hardy go over, that’s the tough one to call? Was he considered a real contender by us about 6 weeks ago? What about by the WWE hierarchy? I think that people misjudge the writing and booking sometimes, because I have seen loads of opinion pieces saying that the WWE are now looking at Hardy more seriously than before because of how the crowd have reacted in the last few weeks. What that argument conveniently forgets is that in the storyline Hardy earned his title shot by virtue of beating Triple H. Triple freaking H! Not a Beat the Clock, not a crooked GM making a match, but a clean pinfall victory over The Game.

I would suggest to you that if Triple H thinks enough of Hardy to job to him clean on PPV then Hardy may have been pencilled in for this monster push for longer than people think.

Jeff probably didn’t decide to Whisper in the Wind off the cage onto Umaga, or Swanton off the structure by himself, you know. That would have been written in as a device to raise his popularity, and it is working. The reactive forces within the WWE must now decide whether the reaction has exceeded expectations, met them, or fallen short. I think it is probably between the first two.

So does he get a run with the title? My gut reaction is that he won’t, but I certainly feel he should. One good Pay Per View will not arrest the slide that WWE has been experiencing, but this is an opportunity to open the year strongly, and we only have one more PPV between the Rumble and Wrestlemania, which has been the strongest show of the year in recent times. It certainly was in 2007.

There are three weeks after the Rumble until No Way Out which is scheduled to feature an elimination chamber match. Book a Smackdown superstar to win the Rumble go after the SD title. Have an elimination chamber match and book Trips to win. Stack the card with some other top matches and lets roll on to the six week build up to Mania.

I cannot see Jeff Hardy headlining Wrestlemania. I think they will go with Orton v Triple H, so let’s have Jeff beat Randy at the Rumble, and book a No Holds Barred contest at No Way Out and have Orton go over clean in a brutal one. That gives Jeff his big moment and spikes the crowd at the Rumble, and still gets you towards the proposed main event at Mania.

If you look at the PPV you have Edge v Rey which should be good. The emotion around JBL v Y2J has been well built, and I suspect this will not stop at the Rumble. Ric v MVP also has emotion and I’d expect both men to step up here and produce a good one. Then of course you have Jeff and Randy.

A big problem could come with clean finishes. Perhaps Ric will beat MVP on a DQ or count out so that he doesn’t retire and Porter keeps his belt. Edge could well have Chavo and Vickie help him screw Rey out of the belt. And Y2J and JBL might well go to a no contest to prolong the feud. Having 3 non-clean finishes may hurt the PPV, but having Jeff win a belt would probably temper this.

I’ll give my individual thoughts on each match, and tell you who I think will win and how I would book it. They will likely not correlate.

Ric Flair v MVP
I’ll be honest, I’m not really that drawn in to the whole Flair is Retiring angle, though I appreciate its value. The problem this I think most people seem aware that it will likely go to Wrestlemania, pending a huge swerve which would be completely self defeating. Therefore the heat isn’t so big. However much MVP has improved, Ric isn’t going to have his last match against him. However, the angle thus far has allowed Ric a little more mic time, which is of course where he shines.

Ric is not going to retire at the Royal Rumble next week. He may not even retire at Mania, but it ain’t gonna be end of his journey just yet. Mania might be Space Mountain, this isn’t even the Ghost Train at the local Carnival.

I predict: Ric to win by DQ
I would Book: a real shocker. I’d maybe channel the spirit of Dusty to put in a dodgy finish. I’d book MVP to win this 1-2-3 and retire Ric Flair..........until Raw. I’d have Ric have a leg under the ropes which the official wouldn’t see, and so on Raw the decision could be somehow reversed, perhaps by a one night only return of Linda McMahon. Make Raw a tribute show to Flair, look back at his career and say how fitting that he lost at MSG, home of champions. This would put the younger viewers firmly aware of the storied career of Ric Flair. I’d have HBK and Triple H speak with Ric and plead with Vince to overturn the decision. Ric, however, would show dignity and not beg, but accept it with pride. I’d then end the show with Linda McMahon giving the announcement that he is exonerated.

Y2J v JBL
I think that this match has been very sketchily built up. JBL coming back was portrayed as a bigger deal than it ought to have been, I think, and his demolition of Jericho went way over the top, making Bradshaw look too dominant over a guy that only a month or so ago was battling for the WWE title.

However, their promos have been superb, particularly Jericho’s last week on Raw, when he pitched it perfectly. It seemed heartfelt and intense, but without resorting to shouting and hollering and generally making it look false. It was a major league promo, a money promo, and I don’t think this feud will end at the Rumble.

I’m a little surprised that they booked a match, and didn’t put both guys in the Rumble, costing one another the win.

I predict: Y2J will win by DQ. JBL to get frustrated that he can’t put Jericho away, so ends up just smashing him with a chair or something. This then leads to a NO DQ match at Mania.

I would book: something largely similar, but I’d have a double count out or simply a no contest. Just have the pair of them fight up the aisle and in the crowd and so forth. I wouldn’t be too concerned about the in ring action, but I’d have Jericho hit JBL with some serious punishment as a receipt for what JBL did to Jericho on Raw the other week. This gives Jericho the upper hand in terms of dominating on the night, but not giving either man the clean win just yet.

Rey Mysterio v Edge
Likely to be a **** match or thereabouts. Edge rarely has a bad match, and if Rey Mysterio is on and they add a touch of decent psychology then we could have a belter. I’m far from a huge Rey mark, as I felt his initial title run was to begin with implausible and then distinctly mismanaged. I also think he is a bit of a spot monkey. Don’t get me wrong, he is entertaining an hugely talented, but not always my cup of tea.

However, Edge is fantastic in the ring and I think the strongest hand that the WWE has right now. He deserves to be in the main event at Wrestlemania, and barring injury he likely will be.

I predict: Edge to win, probably with a little assistance from Vickie and/or Chavo and/or the Edgeheads . Hopefully not much more than a distraction.

I would book: Edge to win cleanly. I don’t see a problem with booking heels to be quality wrestlers who are hard to beat. I’d make it close so that Rey doesn’t lose face (mask?) and perhaps makes a bad decision, rather than getting outclassed, but since I would be trying to book this Rumble very strongly because of reasons explained above, I’d try to have the main title encounters go over clean, especially since I don’t see this feud going any further.

Jeff Hardy v Randy Orton
Very little to add after the thoughts added above really.

I predict: Orton will win. And I think they’ll do it cleanly as well. I’m almost predicting so that I don’t mind being wrong, but I just don’t see them putting the belt on Jeff yet. I also think that if Triple H is to regain the title at Wrestlemania, he won’t want Orton dropping it in order to regain it, just to lose it to The Game.

I would book: Hardy to win. I’d switch it back at No Way Out, but I’d give Jeff his moment (three weeks) in the sun. He’s worked for it, he is best superstar to watch at the moment, and he is so over it is incredible. Let him have a run.

The Royal Rumble Match
It’s a strange sort of Rumble line up, this. There are lots of people who could win, but not many who you’d say would win.

Time to breakout the patented McNichol Eliminator v2.0 - I’ve gone through the confirmed entries and listed 8 candidates below, including people that might take it as a surprise.

A Mystery Entrant – The official website at WWE.com lists 24 entrants thus far, and as I recall from reading Smackdown spoilers there is no other entry, unless Jimmy Yang being Domino was a qualifier. Even then, I don’t think he would be on the shortlist.

One of the extra entrants might well be CM Punk, who I’ve listed below separately. Filling up the list are likely to be the odd mid-carder from somewhere in the company, returns of former stars for the nostalgia pop (see Honky Tonk Man in the past) or maybe those that have signed new contracts.

The last example includes, of course, such names as Ron Killings, Chris Harris and Big Show. The latter is the most likely to show up. This is mainly because he doesn’t need any build up, and will be recognisable from his music. Harris and Killings, firstly are not guaranteed to have signed, and even if they had I think WWE would try to build their characters using vignettes rather than ploughing them into the Rumble straightaway.

I can’t see the Big Show or any other surprise winning the day, even if that is a wildcard like Hogan or someone. Or maybe it’s a conspiracy to bring back Lashley!

CM Punk – Now this would be a shock, especially since he hasn’t really been pushed to the moon since his arrival, even though he was given the ECW strap. At this stage he is surely not ready to go to a Main Event at Mania, although it is good to see him being pushed to matches with the likes of Edge. I’m interested in him losing the belt, wondering whether this means he will switch brands.

Umaga – I wouldn’t think the Samoan Bulldozer is the most likely candidate to win, especially since main eventing Mania would probably involve, you know, talking and stuff.

However, look for him to have a good run, probably into the last 4 or 5, with it taking one of the big guns to get rid of him.

Mr Kennedy – its been a hell of a year for Young Kenneth. Winner of the Money in the Bank Ladder match at Wrestlemania 23, he looked destined for a big year, but injury and stupidity have held him back. He couldn’t help the first one, but he could have kept his big mouth shut about not taking steroid before being suspended for exactly that.

However, that big mouth is probably the best asset of Ken Kennedy-Kennedy (KKK? Ouch) because he is perhaps the best talker around at the minute. He is in the frame, I would expect a decent run for him, and you should remember that when he won the Money in the Bank he promised to hold it back until Wrestlemania to cash it in. They obviously had it in mind that he could be at the level they wanted by this March. If you are thinking they’d hold him back because of his misdemeanours, remember who is in the main event at the Rumble.

Not this time, Kenny boy, but soon.

Batista – Hmm. The Animal is one of 4 previous winners in the contest, and it is these four who are likely to be the four most likely to take this contest. I have it in my mind that the winner will be from Smackdown, not only because the Elimination Chamber match is supposed to be a Raw main event (Trips, Hardy, Jericho, JBL, Kennedy, HBK?) but also because it seems likely that Triple H will be the contender at Wrestlemania for the WWE title, and you could see Vince and co. spending longer trying to halt his progress.

Batista is on the shortlist, without a shadow of a doubt.

Undertaker – And so is the Deadman. The biggest albatross round his neck is that he won last year, and it isn’t very creative having him win twice. The other people who have won twice were the hottest properties in the business – Hogan being everything about the WWE in 90/91, HBK being the biggest rising star in 95/96, and Stone Cold rising through the Stratusphere (not Trish) in 97/98 – Undertaker is not exactly a new, up and coming star. Rather, he is the most established star in the company. He is one of the most over and he has existing issues with Edge.

I would like to think that as this business is all about entertainment and not really about achievements, that Undertaker would relinquish the Wrestlemania streak. And who better than Edge, with his own Mania streak, to be put over the Deadman on the biggest stage of all? Taker is at the stage where one defeat doesn’t really hurt him, but beating him means a lot to his opponent. The above scenario is not beyond possibility.

Shawn Michaels – Aiming to be the second man to win this three times in his career, HBK was second to Taker last year, and has had a decent year, bringing John Cena through some belting matches in their programme, and is part of a entertaining series Kennedy. They have had some interesting battles, but too many matches for this programme to go to Mania. JR even called their Raw match this week a ‘rubber match’. I think their programme could be over, so perhaps HBK could be back in the title picture.

The thing is, there is no reason for him to go after Edge, and I can’t see the babyface combo again this year if it were to Jeff Hardy, and he has had extensive exposure to Orton. Add all this into the equation with my theory about Raw guys, and I’d say HBK will not win

Triple H – Very dependant on the involvement of Mr McMahon and co and of course the path of Randy Orton, but Trips would be the most likely to scupper my “Smackdown will win” theory. Not much can be said about Triple H that hasn’t already been said, but I really think his issue with Vince will drag on and he’ll win in the chamber.

The Verdict:
I desperate want to say anyone but the man I will predict, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to go with what everyone seems to be saying. Simply looking at the most likely scenario, The Undertaker has to be the selection here. Taker v Edge makes sense, Batista v Edge doesn’t. The Raw spot looks like being Triple H, and of course into the equation has to come the Elimination Chamber.

I’d love to see a Kennedy or a Punk come out of nowhere to win (although I think Punk could be in line for the Money in the Bank briefcase this year) but I really can’t see it.

I think it should be a great event. If I wasn’t excited before writing this, I certainly am now. I’m be watching the event live and will provide my usual as-live commentary, typically posted within minutes of the event finishing.

Enjoy the Rumble
Rob

Retro Rumble : 1997

The 1997 Royal Rumble took place in San Antonio, Texas, at the Alamo Dome.

San Antonio is the home of Shawn Michaels. If you are keeping up, the last two Rumbles that we have reviewed have seen Michaels win the prestigious Royal Rumble match. The first time, he went to Wrestlemania and lost to Diesel.

The second time around, though, as a Babyface and the ‘leader of the new generation’ around whom the company was building, he was put over Bret Hart after a gruelling Ironman match.

By the time we rolled around to the Rumble in 1997, Michaels had lost the belt to Sid Justice/Sid Vicious/Psycho Sid/plain old Sid at the Survivor Series at Madison Square Garden, and as the Rumble approached it was to be the rematch.

It seems that we do not have a pre-show Todd Pettengill waffle-fest this year, but we go straight to the commentary team of Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross.

We begin the show with Goldust, and this year it’s a babyface Goldust, though still with the same music, effects, and indeed the same lady on his arm. He is going to be taking on Hunter Hearst Helmsley, who we are informed has an expanding ego since he won the IC title. Ego? Trips? Nah.

After a brief video charting the rivalry between Triple H and Goldust, The future Game emerges, and as JR says, he is not alone. He is accompanied by a man quickly indentified by our commentators as Curtis Hughes, or Mr Hughes as he was normally known. He had a brief run in 1993, but as I recall only appeared at one PPV, that being King of the Ring of that year.

Anyway, Hughes is alongside Triple H as his ‘butler’ apparently. JR says he heard Helsmley bragging about his new Butler earlier on in the day.

Well, bodyguard or butler or whatever, Hughes has a negligible effect early on, as Goldust has the advantage in the opening exchanges. He even blatantly drops the steel ring steps onto Helmsley’s back, which albeit a cool spot makes no sense because not only does Goldust not get disqualified but Hughes doesn’t protect his charge.

Triple H has a brief flurry, but back on the outside he misses a charge against the rail, hurting his knee, and Goldust once again uses the steps on the knee of Hunter.

Back in the ring the match slows down, and the crowd are dead. Until, that is, the face of Marlena appears on screen, whereby we hear cheers. Well, Terri was quite the hottie back then, so I’ll give them credit.

Goldust continues to work the knee, and slaps on a figure 4. The commentators talk about the wear on tear on these guys since they are in the Rumble later on. JR gives a sensible insight into the fact that each man could draw a late number in the Rumble. Ross was superb back in these days. Vince was the presenter and held everything together, and basically called upon King for heel commentary and JR for babyface analysis. It worked nicely.

Goldie audibly calls Hunter a ‘piece of shit’ drawing a cheer, and once again uses the steps. Still no DQ.

Triple H gains control, but the ref stops him using the director’s chair, for some reason. In the crowd, Pettingill interviews a country singer who I don’t know, and it seems by this point they’ve sent him out into the crowd to stop him bothering Vince. He’s also grown a goatee. Maybe he was Coach Mark One.

Goldust regains control, but misses a top rope elbow. Hughes throws the IC belt to Triple H, who kisses Marlena and swings at Goldie. He misses, and Goldust hits the belt shot. Hughes pulls Hunter to the outside during the pinfall attempt, and Goldust puts out Marlena’s cigar on Hughes neck. Goldust turns into a clothesline and then a Pedigree. Even then it was a move that no-one dared move after receiving. Except the Warrior. But we don’t talk about him, do we.

Helmsley wins and leaves with Hughes. Hunter’s face is covered in lipstick after his kiss with Marlena. So much so he looks like a man in drag. Although these days he has bigger breasts.

Next up in Ahmed Johnson v Farooq.

It is easy to forget just how over Ahmed was. Since we saw him beating Jeff Jarrett by DQ the year previous, he had a brief IC title run, but feuded with Farooq (Ron Simmons) during the time where he had legit Kidney trouble. This was inserted into the storyline, and this was their first meeting, back in the day when people could feud for some time before having a PPV encounter. See, we don’t have that anymore. The occasionally liver enzyme issue, but that’s it.

Simmons is accompanied by members of his Nation of Domination, which was a thinly veiled rip off of a Black Panther-like movement. Although one with a tough guy enforcer who is white (Crush) and two white rappers. The ring is surrounded by gentlemen in suits acting as back up, including an at-that-point unnamed D-Lo Brown.

This match, like the first features action whereby there should be disqualifications. Chairshots, choking, belt whipping. But no bell is rung. Farooq has the upper hand with the story being that they eventually get to grips with Johnson’s kidney and wear him down.

The match is far from a classic. Very stop start match, and in fact is stop – for good – when Ahmed hits a spinebuster and Farooq instructs his followers to attack. Ahmed holds them off while Simmons slinks away. When Ahmed follows, he is attacked by an unnamed ‘nation member’ (not D-Lo), and Ahmed stalks this guy, grabs him and eventually Powerbombs him through the French announce table.

And that’s it. Very uninspiring stuff and the post match interview with Simmons is basically uninspiring. Yeah, stick to, ‘Damn’ in future.

Vader is next out, and we are told that he is not accompanied by Jim Cornette because Undertaker Tombstoned him on Superstars. JR wonders if Vader is a free agent. Not a planted line at all.

Taker follows to a huge ovation, and its circa 1997 leather trenchcoat, tear on the face Taker, as opposed to the undead zombie Taker, Satanic Taker or American Bad Ass Taker.

Taker gets to the corner but the lighting guys are not on the ball, as he does the arm raising but the lights don’t come on. JR talks about Undertaker giving away weight ‘unusually’ although in the previous few years on PPV taker had fought Kamala, Yokozuna, King Kong Bundy, Mabel and Giant Gonzales.

Vader had been around for a year at this point, but he was never built up as he could have been, and the way he looks shit-scared of Taker here is exactly why he never took off as a character. The chest-beating monster from the Ricky Mountains should have taken it to Undertaker and shown no fear. He could then have been a monster heel and it wouldn’t have taken anything away from Taker.

The opening exchanges of this are all Taker. Occasionally Vader gets a move in but Taker just does his sit up and Vader wusses out. Vader eventually takes control but we go to Todd who is the crowd with a teenage female fan. Not of his, obviously. She says he follows Shawn Michaels everywhere she goes (that’s a stalker, not a fan) and that she saved up the money by babysitting.

King gets annoyed about the fact that we had a boring segment about babysitting rather than watching Vader kick ass, and I think that was quite a genuine statement. JR does another cracking insight (I really am not being sarcastic) when he talks about the absence of Cornette, making mention of the fact that the referee (Jack Doan) was attacked by Vader ‘early last year’. JR is using continuity from nearly a year ago!

Vader powerbombs Undertaker eventually, but Taker no-sells it and starts a comeback. Old School, Chokeslam......but Paul Bearer, at this stage estranged from Taker approaches ring side. Taker throws Vader outside and goes to get Bearer. Right hand, then throws Bearer inside. He blocks a Vader attack, and they all end up outside again.

Taker sets up Vader in front of the frenchies who have a new table. But he misses a dive onto the railings after Bearer pulls Vader aside. Vader distracts the ref in the ring while Bearer strikes Taker with the urn.

Vader slides Taker in, and lands the Vaderbomb. Vader wins and leaves with Bearer. Taker, being a clean babyface, chokeslams the ref. Man, Doan couldn’t get a break then. I sort of forgive him now for being given all those divas matches where Stacy and Torrie rolled all over him.

Taker destroys some of the surrounds of the ring, and storms off. Another slow match, and so far we are no exactly cooking.

Next up is a special feature of six Mexican superstars, namely Jerry Estrada, Fuerza Guerrera & Heavy Metal v Perro Aguayo, Canek and Hector Garza.

The problem is that it would be all very well having a showcase match full of high-flying incidents as a basic spotfest. However, at this point, all the high-flying lucha guys were in WCW, so this is basically the leftovers. There is a nice exchange between Heavy Metal and Hector Garza, who had more success in the US that anyone else in match, with stints in WCW and TNA, but much of this is very ordinary fare, with JR trying desperately to hold it together on the commentary. Meanwhile the crowd are distinctly dead.

They gave over ten minutes to this fiasco, and it ended with a double stomp from Aguayo, which missed. Aguayo looked about 70, running around the ring, and my favourite spot was when he ran the ropes, got to the other side, stopped, climbed through the ropes then jumped onto (he missed) a guy on the outside. And apparently this guy is an absolute legend in Mexico.

Anyway, after that debacle, it’s onto the main spectacle, if not the main event. If you see what I mean. The Royal Rumble is possibly the most beloved match of the year, and after Fink does the rules the Nation of Domination music hits.

After initial speculation that it’s Farooq, we see that it is Crush. Crush looks distinctly annoyed to see that Ahmed Johnson is number two. A brawl breaks out and after 90 (ish) seconds out comes another guy. The clock is broken and there is no music, but this guy wouldn’t have a got a reaction anyway. It’s “Razor Ramon” except of course it isn’t, its Rick Bogner pretending to be Scott Hall, after a distinctly lame-ass gimmick whereby JR tried to claim that Diesel and Razor were back, except that it was two lookalikes. Who didn’t look like Nash and Hall.

He doesn’t last long, thrown by Ahmed, but Johnson soon eliminates himself, jumping over the top rope to chase Farooq who had snuck up to ringside.

Number four would be Phineas Godwinn, later to be known as Mideon, and shortly following him is a sound of breaking glass, and it’s a chap by the name of Stone Cold Steve Austin. He has a smattering of cheers, but he is a heel at this point, having lost to Bret Hart at the previous Survivor Series.

Crush holds Phineas for Austin, who comes off the second rope for a clothesline. He misses, hitting Crush, allowing Phineas to throw Crush out. Austin hits Phineas with a stunner, and removes him. Bart Gunn is next, but lasts a very short time.

Next is Jake Roberts, and a rematch from the King of the Ring final the year before, on the day that Austin first said the infamous 3:16 line. Austin comically preys before Jake gets there, and the two lock up.

Perhaps the aging Jake was a little off the pace here, because eventually he gets backdropped out of the ring, but does so while the British Bulldog is emerging as the next entrant. At this point Bulldog and Austin were at odds, with both men tweeners of sorts. Bulldog was poised to break up with his tag partner Owen Hart and Austin getting cheered increasingly.

They fight for the 90 seconds with Bulldog largely on top, and are joined by the number 9 entry Pierroth, again a Mexican import brought in for this match. There will be more to come.

GIMMICK ALERT NO.1 – Rikishi, dah, I mean Junior Fatu, dah, I mean The Sultan is on his way to the ring at 10, complete with pointy toes and face mask.

And speaking of masks, the man of a thousand masks is in, as yet another Mexican import for this Royal Rumble, although Mil Mascaras is a bit more a household name, and a huge star in Mexico. Don’t forget this Rumble in San Antonio is very close to the Mexican border, so the big crowd will have a large Hispanic element.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley, sans Mr Hughes, is next, slightly selling the leg injury he picked up in the Goldust match earlier in the evening. Bulldog clotheslines The Sultan to eliminate him.

On the way to the back Sultkishi passes Owen Hart on his way to the ring, where he instantly takes on Austin. When Stone Cold gets the upper hand Owen tag partner and brother in law Davey Boy helps him, but while Bulldog tries to oust Austin, Owen decides to undercut his brother in law. As I recall, they never did follow through with the Owen and Bulldog break up, although they teased it for a while. When Bret reformed the Hart Foundation their differences were patched up.

Goldust is next, and is followed by Cibernetico, another Mexican, who goes straight for Mascaras. I know we knock the modern product, but frankly I’m happy to have Mysterio, Guererro and so forth rather than this mob.

Marc Mero is on his way next. Hilariously, Jerry says “here comes trouble” and Vince quips “Yeah, Sable” and laughs. Oh if only you knew, ’97 Vince.

In a fantasic piece of countrymen sticking together, Cibernetico is eliminated by Mascaras and Pierroth, before the latter is thrown out by the former. Then, the experienced Mascaras, like a tool, does a plancha onto Pierroth. Yes, over the top. So they are all gone now.

Goldust clotheslines Helmsley out, and gets into with Mero, as Latin Lover, the last of the Latin entrants. Owen clumsily botches throwing Goldie out, before having to do it with a simple shot to the back. Farooq is next, and quickly gets rid of Latin Lover, but soon Ahmed is back, and has a 2x4 which makes Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s look like a pencil.

Simmons comically looks for a way out of the ring (try through the dopes. Damn!) but Ahmed unloads with devastating shots (and when I say devastating I mean not really connecting) and Farooq is gone.

The camera then sensibly watches Farooq leaving along with his Nation cronies, thus missing Austin eliminating both Mero and Owen.

Austin is back on his own again. Next to face him is Savio Vega, and to be fair the booking is sound here because in this match they have given Austin Jake, Bulldog and Savio, all of whom he had a history with. Savio is gone before the 90 seconds is up, and next is “Double J” Jesse James, who was of course the Road Dogg later on. Here he is just a jobber though, so Stone Cold slings him quickly.

Austin sits on the turnbuckle to indicate that he has a lot of time, but next up is Bret, with Austin doing a terrific facial to show fear. Bret dominates a tiring Austin, and slaps him in the sharpshooter. King’s music goes and Lawler is a shock entry. He says “it takes a King” and drops his headsets. Bret releases the Sharpshooter and hits Lawler with two right hands. The second puts King over the top. Lawler returns to the commentary booth to complete his sentence “to know a King, McMahon”. As the match progressed he would continue with a short-term amnesiac gimmick pretending he didn’t know he wa sin the match. Exciting.

King almost forgets he isn’t allowe to use certain words as the next entrant arrives. It is “Diesel” who is actually Kane who is actually Isaac Yankem who is actually Glen Jacobs. King calls for ‘Big Daddy Cool’ to “Murde....lize him”realising he isn’t allowed to say murder on family friendly WWE.

Terry Funk doesn’t have any music despite being a ‘Texas legend’ according to Vince. I love the irony that two supposed babyfaces in the ring right now are Funk and Bret, who Vince is putting over. The two hate the guy now. Gratitude for you.

Vince goes into ultra-hype mode next as Rocky Maivia – yes, The Rock – is entry 25. He goes straight for Austin and you wouldn’t know at this point that these two would carry the company for the next 5 years.

Mankind is next, and the audible gasp from the audience and commentating team show you just what a good character Mankind was to begin with. Foley and Funk would spend much of the ensuing match beating the shit out of each other, seemingly for real.

Flash Funk (no relation to Terry, unless they do a future Dudley’s gimmick) is next and isn’t Too Cold Scorpio who isn’t related to Stone Cold whose real name is Steve Williams who isn’t related to Dr. Death who isn’t a doctor. Clear?

Bret piledrives Stone Cold, and if only Owen was taking notes at this point, Austin might still be wrestling now.

Vader is next, and the legitimate contenders to win are appearing. We see a cool visual of Mankind choking the life out of Terry, as Vader comes in to batter Bret then squash Austin.

29 is Mark Canterbury looking legitimately tough even with a shitty Hog farmer gimmick. He takes it straight to Vader, knocking him down. Perhaps the highlight of his career.

Next comes 30, predictably, and its The Undertaker. Vince announces him as the winner of the 1997 Royal Rumble before he enters the ring. Ten years out, Vinny Boy.

Vader eliminates Flash Funk with a pretty cool fall away slam to the outside, and after they all battle for a few minutes, Godwinn is slung out. Look at who is left in the ring, and although at the time they mightn’t all have been legendary, think of the star power now:

Bret Hart, The Undertaker, The Rock, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mick Foley, Vader, Kane, Terry Funk and Vader all in the same ring. That’s pretty cool.

From here the match is decent. I know this is 11 years ago, but I remember this being a match where you got to this stage and genuinely had no idea who would win.

Every now and again the commentators are quiet and all you can hear is Mick doing his weird noises as Mankind. Damn I loved that character. Did I mention that? Oh, I did. Did I mention he personalised a shirt of mine and gave me a hokey thumbs up. Well he did. I’ll tell you about it sometime.

Foley uses the Mandible claw to eliminate Rocky, then suplexes Funk out. Shortly after thing Taker boots Foley out, and he and the Funker depart still knocking the hell out of one another. But this is a ploy. The referees are watching the Funk/Foley brawl, so miss Bret throw Austin the hell out.

Austin sneaks back in having avoided being seen, and pushes Taker and Vader out. As Bret gets rid of ‘Diesel’ on the other side, Austin then pushes Bret over and that’s your lot. Austin wins despite being eliminated, but even though that sounds bogus, it was a really creative ending.

Bret loses it and knocks a couple of refs down before going to the outside to threaten Vince. They were just beginning to recognise Vince as the owner at this stage, and his position would increasingly affect storylines from now on.

Austin wasn’t in the main event at Mania, but he was in the best match, where he took on Bret Hart in a genuine classic. The belt would switch through various wrestlers. From here, the next In Your House event would be named as Final Four, where Bret, Undertaker and Vader took on Austin for the vacant title. Without giving away the winner of the upcoming title match, erm............well it was vacant because “someone” got “injured” and “lost their smile”. I knew that quote mark key would come in good use here.

Anyway, Bret would go on to win at Final Four, but Sid would win it back, before dropping it to Taker at Mania, through interference from Bret who beat Austin. I am doing this deliberately, so don’t worry about feeling confused, however it goes to show how much they hotshotted the belt at that time.

I’ve written all that stuff since the end of the actual Rumble match, and that took the time that Michaels did to get to the ring. Good God it took ages. Obviously he is considerably over in his home town, and although Sid has his supporters when he emerges, he is largely booed. I never rated Sid in the ring, but I loved his character at this time, because he really looked as though he could destroy you.

The story here was that Shawn was champion after beating Bret at Wrestlemania, but lost to Sid the previous Survivor Series, when Sid displayed increasingly heel attributes but was cheered anyway. The tide was turning even before Austin’s antihero took off.

So on the night of HBK’s rematch, he apparently has flu, and this is supposedly legit, but since this is Michaels we are talking about, even the boys never knew if he was being genuine, so we’ll call it kayfabe.

Sid dictates much of the early match, and although Shawn has the odd flurry, the Vicious one has the advantage. He plays up to the crowd fantastically, eliminated the remnant cheers he is receiving. Lots of restholds here, probably for the benefit of both Michaels and Sid.

Michaels has Jose Lothario, his mentor (I don’t think babyfaces are supposed to have managers) in his corner, although Jose has Shawn’s cowboy hat on – because Mexicans and Cowboys get on like a house on fire. Or set each others houses on fire, something like that. Jose’s son Pete is also at ringside, after having been put through a table earlier in the month. Just because.

More mini comebacks from Shawn, with decreaing gaps between them, and to be fair the crowdare just eating this up. I don’t know whether the Rumble was placed in San Antonio before or after Survivor Series, but after the MSG crowd shit all over Michaels, he benefited greatly from being in his home town here.

Michaels looks like having done enough to take control, but we cut to the outside and Sid powerbombs Michaels on the floor. He grabs Jose by the throat, and then grabs Pete as he attacks. Sid even manages a kick for Tony Garea, the WWE official trying to break it up.

Back inside a ref bump gets rid of Hebner, an Sid hits a chokeslam which Vince calls as a Goozle – I don’t think I’ve heard anyone by Tazz call this as a Goozle. That should be a wrestling move search engine in my opinion.

Ref down, so a visual fall gets nothing, and as another officials comes down Michaels kicks out. Sid pie faces the new ref in a nonsensical move which even JR calls stupid, and Jose jumps onto the apron. Now, I should point out that Sid hit Jose with a camera at MSG, causing Michaels to be more worried about his mentor than the match, and earning him scorn by New Yorkers for being caring and a camera shot into the bargain.

Here, as Jose distracted Sid, Michaels grabbed a camera and levelled the big man with two weak looking shots. Oh-So-Slow count gets 2, but a Superkick earns the victory.

Far from a classic, but a story well told, with the right ending and if Michaels really was struggling – which to be fair he probably was. I mean the guy was a snake back then but he was always been an awesome worker. If he had have been well he’d have been flying all over the place here – it was a creditable performance.

A mixed PPV. A series of average to very poor matches preceded perhaps the best Rumble match there had been at that point, and a decent main event.

It is a very significant PPV as it showed the evolution of the whining Bret character, the advancement to Stone Cold’ s persona, and as far as our trip through Rumble history goes, a very significant milestone. Just wait until you see how different next year is.

Retro Rumble Review - 1996

1996, Fresno, and good lord Todd Pettengill is still doing these pre-show things.

It seems that this year’s ‘bonus’ waffle is called the Free for All, and Todd is joined by Dok Hendrix, who is the bizarre incarnation of Michael PS Hayes.

They promise some words with HBK, Vader and Jake Roberts, and then we go over to Vince and Mr Perfect who hype a match between Triple H and Duke Droese which will determine which man gets number 30 and which man gets number 1.

Backstage, “Dok” is with Vader and James E Cornette. This was Vader’s debut, and Jimmy does his normal awesome job on the stick to hype his new man. Vader shouts for a bit, and then we are off to Todd with Jake.

The master of the DDT was one of wrestling’s great promo guys, but he only gets a few seconds, and mentions something about having had ‘demons’. He must be talking about a horror film he saw, because I’m sure Jake is a clean living guy. Obviously.

A quick promo about Taker is next, and then Vince and Curt talk about the main event – Bret Hart v Undertaker. Hennig says that he thinks Taker will win, but also promotes Bret as being great. Perfect was a great co-commentator, because he had the right balance between being a heel and talking sense.

A preview of the Bret/Taker match is shown, detailing the history between these guys, and showing Diesel being unhappy about the situation. Todd’s voiceover says that Taker has a 9 inch advantage. But I don’t know him that well. Generic words from Taker, and back to the arena.

Posh music plays and Triple H is a jerk..........er of the curtain tonight, as Hunter Hearst Helmsley is out to open the show. He talks to Todd, and throws in a good line about telling the fat lady she’s on in 5 minutes. I didn’t even know Bertha Faye was in that show.

The match is a reasonable affair, I suppose. Triple H, dah, I mean Helmsley, does a lot of working on the arm. Duke is surprisingly over.

Droese begins a comeback after Hunter misses the old ‘off the top rope with no move, and get levelled by the prone guy’s foot’ – I couldn’t think of a snappier name. Vince and Perfect fail to call the unbelievably obvious use of a foreign object, despite the camera zooming on it.

Hunter gets the pin after levelling Duke with a loaded right hand, but Gorilla Monsoon, who was the storyline president at this point, reverses the decision. Something that of course made sense, but means that every match that has ended in controversial fashion ever since should have been reversed as well. Luckily, not many people watched this Free for All.

Montage shows the history of Razor Ramon v Goldust, which is the Intercontinental title match later tonight.

HBK hits the ring, and Todd rather stupidly asks Shawn what number he has. Long-windedly, Michaels tells us all that he will come in the ring when he wants, and leave when he wants. At this point, Michaels had been out for a couple of months. He had legitimately been attacked outside a nightclub in Syracuse, New York, and really had suffered injuries. However, there was a lot of controversy about how he ‘forfeited’ his title, handing it to Dean (Shane) Douglas. Some say Shawn refused to job to Douglas.

In a match with Owen Hart, HBK received an enzuigiri kick, and late ring the match collapsed. This was, of course, a work, and Michaels was out from then until the Rumble.

Michaels wraps up his interview, still talking about how he will win, and then we go backstage to Triple H again. Man, it used to be so different in ’96. HBK hogging the spotlight and then HHH talking for ages. Wouldn’t see that now.

Trips talks about how there is no instant replay in the WWF, and how Gorilla’s interference post-match was uncalled for. And since he is now in charge, things like that are carefully avoided.

Free for All ends, and Royal Rumble itself begins. After the obligatory deep-talker doing the intro video, we have Vince and Perfect again. Vince says if there was ever a Perfect Royal Rumble, its tonight. Well, that’s a flat to lie to open the evening.

As last year, Jeff Jarrett opens proceedings, and a video shows the action with Jarrett attacking Ahmed Johnson at the previous In Your House event. Ahmed is out, and despite the fact that reputation says that he is a hard to work with, misogynistic, poor worker, the dude was over at this point. He had bodyslammed Yokozuna at the Survivor Series the previous November.

Ahmed, of course, dominates the early proceedings with power moves, until he gets his hand caught in the ropes, and Double J takes control.

It isn’t long, though, before Ahmed gets back in charge, with a version of Hulking Up last seen performed by Tatanka, although Johnson decides against the foot stomping. Clothesline and a Spinebuster, before Jeff slides to the outside. Ahmed follows him with a huge dive to the outside, with sick looking landing.

Back in the ring, Ahmed ascends the turnbuckle but hits an empty pool. Figure 4 from Flair Jarrett fails to get the win. After trying, and failing, to apply it again, he brings in the old gimmick guitar, and hits a Greco-roman Musical Instrument to the head. Johnson wins by DQ, and Jarrett scarpers with Ahmed in pursuit. Very unsatisfactory opener.

Backstage, The Smoking Gunns are talking about their upcoming title defence against the Bodydonnas. Bart Gunn achieves what was previously thought impossible, by being so boring he makes Billy Gunn sound charismatic.

Diesel is interviewed by Todd, and shocking he thinks he will win the Rumble. Cocky bunch, these wrestling fellows, you know.

Back to the ring, and its decent workers in a crappy gimmick, as Skip (Chris Candido) and Zip (Tom Pritchard) are on their way to the ring. However, they are taking their manager with them, the gorgeous Sunny, so no-one cares about the two guys. They are thinking about how they would like to take Sunny up the aisle. Ahem.

She cuts a promo about how her team will win, and even uses the old “ladies and Gentleman and children of all ages” line. So Road Dogg got it from Tammy Sytch. The line I mean, not Chlamydia.

Smoking Gunns, the champions, are out next, and I guess somewhere Ang Lee was taking notes for a cowboy movie he would make at some point. Or maybe not

Candido spends most of the match bumping like a madman, and it is actually not a bad encounter. Sunny is the story of the match, as the story often involves the Gunns being distracted by her. At one point, she blows kisses and hitches up her skirt. The cowboys ignore her. Yep, they were the prototype for Brokeback after all.

Billy inadvertently knocks Sunny down at one point, and as she feigns injury, the Bodydonnas pounce and take charge.

The usual heel domination of a match occurs, until the hot tag from Billy to Bart. Bart cleans up, the Gunns hid their ‘sidewinder’ finisher, but the Bodydonnas turn the tables as Sunny distracts the ref. Eventually they go for the double team, but Billy hits the ring for the save, and despite the botched small package, Bart picks up the win. And probably a man at the after show party.

Maybe it was Goldust. After a compilation of “Billionaire Ted’s wrasslin’ war room” – which Vince describes as very popular, in yet another blatant lie – we see the same Razor and Goldust compilation from earlier.

You obviously won’t know this by simply reading, but I’m back after a significant break, because my video (yes, VIDEO, as in VHS) machine decided to malfunction, possibly out of spite for me still living in the 20th century. No, I don’t yet have the Royal Rumble DVD compendium, because I very, very tight fisted man.

Anyway, Dustin Runnells/Rhodes/Black freakin’ Reign is out here, and this is during his initial run as Goldust. Frankly, although a little over the top, this was a great character, very well played, and I believe it is why Dustin still gets work, because people remember how good he was as Goldie in his first run.

Goldust is out first, accompanied by Terri, who was then known as Marlena. Actually, I stand corrected, as Vince and Mr P don’t know who she is. They just determine that she is an ‘attractive young lady’ and that ‘when you think you have answers Goldust changes the questions’. Which is all announcer talk for “Huh? We thought he was a faggot, and he has a chick! What the f....?”

Goldust goes through all kinds of machinations, crouching in the corner and doing his little inhaling thing. I suppose you’ll have to have seen this to know what I mean.

Razor eventually manages a lock up and quickly gets an armbar. He bashes Goldust around for a bit before they break again.

Next time they lock up Razor manages a go behind. Goldie reverses and gets one of his own. He then rubs his hands all over Razor’s chest. Ohhhhhkay.

Soon after, Goldust has Razor in the corner (so to speak), and strokes his face. Razor pushes him down. Funny moment when Vince asks Perfect what he would do. “Kick him in the face” says Hennig.

Razor then decides to hit a couple of right hands, one to the face and one to the, err, gluteus maximus. And that isn’t the guy from Gladiator eating a lot of sweets.

By the way, if you are thinking this is all very gay and disturbing, it is virtually the same match as Trish v Mickie at Wrestlemania 22. Only that was, of course, two hot chicks. So it was way better.

Goldust eventually gets on top (so to speak – oh look I’m not apologising for everything that sounds like an innuendo) after Dustin hides his lady, who is now in a directors chair.

Goldie pounds him for a bit (leave it, honestly) while Vince and Curt rave about his fabulously technical skills. He was hit a bulldog and a neck breaker. That’s it. Goldust applies a sleeper, and Ramon is fading away. “Razor’s going down” says Hennig, and knows exactly the connotations of his last statement. Dirty boy.

Ramon fights up, and distracting the official nails a low blow............he kicked him, you perverts.

Standard Scott Hall comeback. Clothesline, goozle, fallaway slam, 3 months in rehab, AA meetings, Belly to Back suplex, driving ban, and then he signals for the Razor’s Edge.

Meanwhile, “this woman” is in the ring, ‘twisting’ her ankle, and the 1-2-3 kid appears from the crowd, climbs the top rope, and hits a spin kick from the top rope which genuinely looked devastating. The Kid by this point was aligned with Ted DiBiase, by the way.

Goldust gets the win, and for the second year in a row Razor is stupid enough to get railroaded into losing his IC title.

Next up, it’s the Rumble, and some of the participants talk up their chances. Wait, there’s a doctor in it? Oh no, it’s Dr Unger, Shawn Michael’s physician apparently. He has a blackboard behind him which says Hepatitis on it, so he must treat Bob Orton as well.

Some legends talk about their chances. Huge names like Vader, Owen Hart, Jake Roberts, Jerry Lawler and..........Barry Horowitz? Ok then. Roster was pretty slim, huh?

Trips is out as the number one entrant as decided earlier, and number 2 is Henry O Godwinn. Genius creative.

Within a minute, Triple H does the Flair/Michaels somersault in the turnbuckle, but very sensibly, in an over the top match, Godwinn waits for the future game to fall back into the ring, before pressing him. Hunter escapes, and they continue to trade blows for another minute or so.

To the strains of Hail to the Chief (not Jay Strongbow) Bob Backlund, allegedly campaigning for political office, is number three. A three-way battle ensues, and Backlund sells like a kid on a rollercoaster for the first time. Just lots of ‘whoa’s really.

4 is The King. In the ring, Trips hits a high knee but Vince fails to notice that it is borrowed from Harley Race, which JR does every bloody time. Lawler gets in the ring, but soon goes outside to fetch Godwinn’s slop bucket. Hunter and Bob hold Henry while King gets ready to swing, but Big Henry fights off the three men, who bail to outside. They seem to think there is a force field as they just wait on the outside as Godwinn launches the ‘slop’ all over them. Well, actually he misses and hits a lot of the front row. Ha, you paid more and got covered in sick!

Mind you, normally when a big guy called Henry is in the ring, the vomit is coming from my mouth as I throw up watch Mizark’s terrible work rate.

Bob Holly, still in Nascar mode, is number 5, and then 6 is King Mabel. Dammit, I just talked about Mark Henry and they sent me Big Daddy V. Thankfully he is still in the old yellow and purple so we don’t see him flopping titties.

The commentators talk up the ‘royalty’ in the ring. King Mabel, King Lawler, blueblood HHH and Mr. Backlund. Yeah, as an Englishman, I don’t think you really understand the monarchical system, guys. You have to be inbred, posh and German. Well, ours are.

7 is Jake Roberts, and the action in the ring stops. All participants stop and look at Jake’s bag. They don’t know what it contains. When Jake pours a snake out, they scarper? What were they expecting? Beer? Oh right, I suppose it could have been, but Scott Hall had finished his match by then, so he got into Jake’s stash.

Lawler gets the snake all over him, then disappears. 8 is Dory Funk, and Vince notes that Terry was invited too. No-one has been eliminated, but the King is not in the ring. Maybe Warrior kidnapped him.

We see a quick shot Lawler hiding under the ring, which is actually very smart, but very little is happening in the ring.

Ah, I suspect that will shortly change. Yokozuna is number 9. First to go is Backlund, as Yoko slings him. He then goes to Mabel, and the two gargantuan ‘athletes’ battle each other in the corner. Brilliantly, Henry Godwinn is by the turn buckle, as Yoko and Mabel, while fighting each other, take turns to squash the Hog Man.

123 Kid is next, and is hotly pursued by Razor Ramon. Or so the commentators say. I think he’s out to confront Jake to find out where the other beer is stashed.

Scott chases the Kid for a while, but to no avail.

A random Japanese Guy comes out at 11, who Vince says is Omori from Japan Pro Wrestling. Doesn’t say if it is All or New (it is actually Takao Omori, then of All Japan, now of Japan’s ZERO1-MAX) No explanation of why he is there whatsoever. Good Lord how thin was the roster.

What is not thin is Yoko, who at this point is hitting one chop then resting for five minutes. He gets knocked down by Jake. Well, I think he does – Jake hits a bunch of rights on screen, but the one that knocks the big guy down isn’t shown. Great directing.

Savio Vega is next, and he hits a spinning wheel kick on Mabel, who is then thrown out by Yokozuna. Jake then turns the tables and eliminates Omori who was in the process of getting rid of Jake. He misread Jake’s name and thought it said Jake “The Sake” Roberts, and thought Roberts was drinking the Japanese beverage. Another easy mistake to make.

Vader is next, and it’s the debut for the big guy from the Rockies. Perfect is putting him over like crazy, but Vince seems like he doesn’t know who the hell he is. He keeps calling him “The man they call Vader”

Sounds like my Mum when she doesn’t like someone – she always prefixes it with “That”. For example, “will That Michael Cole be commentating?” Oh no, wait that’s someone I don’t like.

I’ve missed some happenings now, so I’ll catch you up. Vega eliminated Dory Funk, Vader eliminated Jake (well I say that, he clotheslined him dead centre of the ring, and Jake staggered backwards and took a powder. I have no idea why Jake would have a poor sense of balance. Not a clue.)

Doug Gilbert is entry number 14, from USWA, and we are told he is the brother of the late Tommy Gilbert. Curiously, he doesn’t go straight after The King under the ring. I wonder what he thinks Jerry is doing.

Vader and Yoko go at it a bit, to the dismay of the perpetually apoplectic Jim Cornnette, and then the bizarrely sized entrant at number 15 is names as a member of the Squat Team. You may know them as The Headhunters, briefly in ECW. Vader throws Gilbert over like he was passing his robe to a referee. He quickly rids the ring of the Squat Team guy.

Vader and Yoko trade blows once more, before 16 is out, and it’s the other Squat Team member. They look exactly alike, and Vince helpfully tells us they are identical twins. Perfect and Vince wonder how they will tell the two apart, because they are both heading to the ring. This despite the fact they are wearing different shaped singlets.

Vince says “Which is the legal man and which is the illegal man?” to which Perfect responds “The one on the left”. Vince treads all over the gag by asking which left, as if Hennig has answered him properly. Idiot. But a genius, too obviously.

Anyway, Vader beats up both Squat team guys, and then clotheslines one out, while Yoko slings the other.

Owen Hart is next, giving Cornette three men out of seven in the ring. Vader and Yokozuna destroy Savio for two minutes, then HBK is number 18. Michaels, to a huge pop, comes in, and throws right hands to everybody, while constantly looking over his shoulder.

After Yoko and Vader are bored with killing Savio, they throw him out, and then lock up again. They are on the ropes when Michaels steams into them and eliminates both. No, you didn’t read that wrong. He eliminated both. About 950lbs of man eliminated by a 230 pounder returning from injury. Makes perfect sense. He then presses the Kid and gets rid of him too. Hmm, I wonder who’ll win this.

On the outside, Vader levels Yoko, while Hakushi is on his way out, which is hilarious, because his music sounds like a Japanese funeral. Wow, that Vader is strong, killing Samoans simply with clotheslines.

Vader comes back in the rings, and causes chaos. He beats up HBK and throws him over the top, then does the same to everyone else. They are apparently not eliminated because Vader isn’t legal. So Undertaker is still in the 1993 Rumble then?

Eventually Gorilla Monsoon is out and gets rid of Vader. Vader would destroy Monsoon the following night on Raw and get suspended (kayfabe) Michaels throws Cornette over for a laugh, and Owen Hart removes Hakushi.

Tatanka is next, followed by Aldo Montoya (Perfect : “He (also) has his Jock on the wrong part of his body”)

Michaels ends up on the outside, but went through the ropes, and he pulls King from under the ring back into play. Lawler is soon ousted, but hey, he lasted 36 minutes.

Diesel is next, and levels everybody. He slings Tatanka immediately. At this point Diesel and Michaels were best friends (again) but Diesel smacks him the first chance he gets, and HBK returns the favour.

Its HHH, Diesel, Holly, HBK and Owen in the ring at the moment, which means I missed the elimination of Montoya. I’m with the FBI then.

Kama is next, and soon HBK holds the Supreme Fighting Machine for Diesel to punch, an he of course misses and hits Michaels.

Number 24 is out, to no response, crap music (oh yeah, I forgot to mention this was the first year they used music) and even Vince doesn’t seem to know who it is. He’ll never make.

He is called the Ringmaster, I think. Steve something or other.

Actually, Perfect puts him over big style, and Stunning Steve gets rid of Bob Holly. Haha, 25 is out here now, to a much bigger reception. That’s hilarious; Barry Horowitz gets a mightier pop that Steve Austin. Anything can happen in the WWF, huh?

Perfect says that if Horowitz wins he’ll get back in the ring. He actually returned 18 months after this, in WCW. Maybe Horowitz won a secret battle royal somewhere in Georgia.

Diesel throws HHH out, for a 48 minute stint for the Connecticut Blueblood. Imagine Vince creating a snob character to poke fun, only for the character to poke his daughter.

Fatu is next, and his babyface gimmick at this point is of an anti-drugs campaigner. Maybe he should have been an anti-donut campaigner, because he is about 200lbs lighter there than he is now.

Isaac Yankum, by now on his second character in the WWE, is next, and Owen Hart nails HBK with the enzugiri. This is so impressive that the director decides to show us a double feature instant replay. Meanwhile, with the screen shrunk, Owen Hart is eliminated by Michaels. No problem, only the most significant elimination thus far.

Austin then levels HBK, and mocks his pose. Man Austin was good even then when no-one knew who he was. Or cared.

Janetty is next, and there are only two more entrants left. Soon, the former Rockers get it on, and eventually knock each other down. Bulldog is next, and he ousts Jannetty in pretty short order.

Bulldog goes to Marty’s old partner, and the man who pipped him to the post last year. Meanwhile, Fatu eliminates Austin. At least he didn’t run him down in a vehicle. That would be terrible......

Duke Droese, who pointlessly won the number 30 position earlier on complete the quota.

Michaels and Bulldog are now on the outside, and Owen reappears to level HBK again. Bulldog presses HBK, but Diesel makes the save. Michaels dropkicks Isaac Yankem out, and Kama gets rid of the Dumpster.

Down to four, and it moves fast from here. HBK is still coping with Bulldog, and Diesel has Kama to contend with. Bulldog tries to backdrop Michaels out, but HBK stops on the apron, propels himself back in under the bottom rope, then clotheslines Davey Boy out. Cool spot.

Kama hits Michaels in the back, sending him over the ropes again, but he hangs on, and is obviously waiting for action elsewhere to play out. Diesel pushes Kama out, but while doing so Michaels skins the cat and nails Diesel with a superkick to send him out. And when I say nails, I mean brushed the shoulder. Slightly weak ending to what was a very weak Rumble match.

Diesel takes some frustration out on The Bulldog in the aisle, before threatening to kill Dok Hendrix. He returns to the ring where for some reason Michaels is baring his backside to the crowd. So when people compare HBK to Flair, it’s basically because they like to get their ass out all the time.

Diesel threatens to level Michaels, although he simply high fives him.

This is basically a ploy so that Nash can stay out there. By this point, Diesel and Taker had a side issue, so when Undie is on his way to the ring for the main event, Diesel confronts him. They trade some weak blows, before officials spate them. Nash tells Taker that he isn’t afraid of the dark. What about undead zombies who killed their parents, Kev? Scared of them?

After all dies down, Bret comes to the ring. The crowd are split here. Neither Bret nor Taker get the huge pop they usually elicit, so it seems they can’t make their mind up. Perfect is already bigging up the Hitman, and since Hart and Hennig considered their match with each other at Summerslam ’91 to be one of the best they each had in their respective careers.

I should point out that Taker has a Phantom of the Opera-like mask on, which was to protect a legit facial injury. Although by this point it was healed, he had a pretty cool-looking accessory to go with his gimmick.

Bret by this point was by far and away the best in the business, but the company was being booked for Michaels to take over, and so the focus wasn’t necessarily on Bret in this match. Taker’s dark powers are at the fore here, and so much of the early going sees Bret taking a beating from the Dead Man.

Very slow pace, with Taker hitting the odd spot, such as ‘Old School’ or contemporary school as would have been known at the time – except it wasn’t. Mostly its rest hold city, but eventually Bret blocks a charge in the corner, hits a clothesline of the second rope, sends Taker to the outside and then dives over the ropes on top of Taker.

Vince does a nice comparison to the match Bret had with Diesel the previous Survivor Series, and then Bret jumps into the arms of Taker, who rams him into the post. He tries it again but Bret reverses, but the see-saw continues as Taker boots Hart in the kisser.

Bret goes into the rail, and damn Bret knew how to sell a beating. Perhaps the reason some people never really got Bret was then he rarely looked like a champion, but although Hogan did, there was little realism.

Bret whips Taker in the steps on the outside, and UT takes it legs first and flies over the top. Taker and Mick Foley always took them that way, and it looks so much better. Of course, it also allows Taker to sell the leg, and then Bret goes to work with the usual offense to left leg of the Deadman.

Bret gets a figure four, Taker then makes a brief comeback, but Bret stays on the leg. The psychology is about as good as it could be, but because Taker had been build as a zombie who could feel no pain, plus it’s a babyface contest, the crowd don’t seem into it.

Bret tries to wrench the ‘facial appliance’ off of Taker. Why must WWE complicate phrases? They can’t say hospital, they say ‘medical facility’; they can’t say cut, they say ‘busted open’. They can’t even say ‘mask’ here.

Brief ‘rest in piece’ chant, while its rest-hold in piece in the ring, before Taker fights out. Taker slings Bret to the outside, and then Bret meets the steel steps. Bearer then distracts the ref as Taker chokes the Hitman, so they seem to be trying to paint Taker as the heel now.

The bell rings. Is the because of a count out? Did Vince do a dummy run of Montreal? No, Taker just threw Bret into the timekeepers table. Chairshot by Taker with the ref still distracted. Back in the ring Bret ducks a big boot, and goes back to the leg again. The fans boo. It’s like they are both heels, not both babyfaces. Bret rams Taker’s leg into the steel post to a mixed reception this time, and frankly, though I’m the biggest Bret fan there ever was, this match is dragging somewhat.

More directorial shenanigans as Taker seems to counter Bret while the camera is looking at the fans, and once again Taker takes charges. Legdrop followed by a straight clothesline. More cheering and booing.

Taker sets up for a Tomnstone, but Bret slides out and onto the apron. Taker knocks him to the floor, but Bret pops back up and manages to knock Taker away. Bret counters an Irish whip into a DDT, and a Russian Leg Sweep begins the tell tale run of moves leading up to the Sharpshooter. In between each move, though, Taker does the zombie sit up.

Bret has the Sharpshooter half on, but Taker comes out of it with Bret round the throat. Double clothesline knocks both men down for a bit. Bret gets up and removes a turnbuckle pad. He follows up with several straight rights to Taker, and then removes the ma......facial appliance. Perfect wisely calls that Bret would have more joy hits Taker’s unexposed face into the buckle rather than one with a protector on it.

Bret sells the new scary Taker (like he wasn’t before) but manages to ram Taker’s head into the buckle twice. Bret pounds a bit, but then runs into Taker, who Tombstones him out of nowhere.

Long hold before Taker covers Bret, but an interfering Diesel pulls the ref to the outside. This causes Bret to be disqualified, and Taker wins, but obviously that means no belt.

A smug Diesel raises the middle finger to Taker and leaves. Whatever you think, kids, about Austin being rebellious by doing that, I’m telling you Nash did it first. Undertaker follows Diesel out, and Bret’s music hits. As I said earlier, he doesn’t look much like a champion. It was pretty much a visual fall for Taker, and did nothing to make Bret look good.

A video airs of highlights during the evening, and we are out.

Very low quality Rumble. Devoid of star power, a telegraphed winner of the main battle royal and one of the poorest Bret matches you are likely to see wasn’t really backed up by an undercard of any note.