One Night Stand - An Extreme Letdown

1.05am
In 2005, he showed how good he was on the microphone with a great promo. Rumour has it the whole pay-per-view was his creation.

In 2006, he main evented again John Cena, and emerged victorious in front of a rapid, pro-ECW crowd.

How sad then, that if this is his last match, its one with a rubbish gimmick attached to it. I mean, honestly – pull your opponent over a finish line with a stretcher? What is this, It’s a Knockout? Wouldn’t it have meant something for RVD to have his final match in an ECW rules match in front of an ECW crowd……a REAL ECW crowd.

But never mind, I just hope he goes out with a bang.


1.25am
Haha, swerve city! Although I did read a report earlier that Vince may change the finish in order to fool us all, but I’ll admit I didn’t believe it. Maybe we will see Van Dam again.

To be fair, sentimentality aside, this was a great match from the WWEs perspective. It wasn’t quite a Flair/Steamboat classic or a Bret/Bulldog from Wembley. It did, however, elicit great sympathy from the fans for the babyface in peril, RVD, and made Randy Orton look like a complete bastard, which is the longer term aim.

Some great spots too. The fall from the top rope added to the psychology, the rolling thunder into the powerslam was perfect, and both men seemed to work the match very stiffly, which truly lend it an air of gravitas.

The thing that struck me early on was that it was supposed to be extreme rules, as JR, King and other keep reiterating, and yet basically no illegal moves were used, save for a few closed fists. I mean, wouldn’t RVD have gone to get a chair as soon as he got the opportunity?

Anyway, maybe it’s a goodwill gesture, as if to say that if RVD wants to return, they’d welcome him back.


1.30am
The daft CM Punk storyline is painful, as is ECW generally. So far, at least it has yielded a decent Punk/Burke match. I get the feeling this tables match will be organized chaos.

1.33am
AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Why are they starting the match on the apron? A) Its no-DQ, what is going to happen if someone interferes? Nothing. B) Since when was ECW about following rules and guidelines. C) The first table match I saw (non-ECW) was the Hardys v the Dudleys at Royal Rumble 2000. It was tornado tag.

Once again, I repeat: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


1.40am
Fairly short match, booked to showpiece Punk, which is fair enough. However, I’d like to point out that 40 minutes into this pay-per-view, the only pieces of weaponry on show have been items that are part of the matches themselves, except for the Sandman’s cane, which he hit Striker which about as hard as one would tap a spoon on a boiled egg.

1.43am
A sort backstage spot where Orton and Edge basically threaten each other, and Orton manages to get the date of the draft wrong, and do a feeble Goldberg impression. In fact, Randy, remind us long that streak is? 32-0? 125-0? 999-0? In fact, Orton hasn’t lost a match for over 20 minutes. Way to go, Legend Killer.

1.46am
Time for the ladder match. By my maths, that means after this we have the three title matches, Kane/Henry in a concession stand match (for the fans in the arena anyway) and …………….PUDDING!!!!

1.52am
I know JR is a Hall of Famer and all that, but so far he has said that Matt and Jeff are as good in singles matches as they are in tag matches – so they both have 6 world titles do they? – and that a ladder can be used ‘defensively’. How, exactly?

2.06am
This match never got going. Whether we are spoiled by Money in the Bank and TLC matches, I’m not sure, but I just don’t think The Hardys, Benjamin and Haas clicked. Don’t get me wrongly, the bumps taken, by Shelton in particular, were pretty brutal, but as well as being disjointed, it featured Haas slipping when German Suplexing Jeff off the top rope, Benjamin having two mishaps with the ropes within 60 seconds, which I am sure were botched, as well as the most piss-weak double team maneuver I have ever seen, as Haas and Benjamin, did some sort of forward roll hip toss resembling a nine year old gymnastics lesson.

To be fair, I’m probably being way too critical, but I just felt it lacked a little. I bet it was fantastic live though. I shall watch this in a replay with a less critical eye, and will like it, I’m sure. Would have been a hell of a fillip for The World’s Greatest Tag Team to beat the World’s Most Over Tag Team, though. Would then have been good to watch the Hardys chase the titles down, rather than just obliterate their opponents. All the time.

2.07am
I listened to a Khali promo, and tried to pick out English words. I got “On me a catastrophic oblong.” I hear you, buddy. I intend to play “The Khali Game every time from now on. I urge you to too.

2.10am
Lumberjack match now, and I think the only reason they announced the Lumberjacks individually was to play the whole ONS theme song for longer.

If Mark Henry is only 390lbs, then Khali is an inch taller than Hornswoggle, Snitsky is a black guy, and Jillian Hall’s tits are real.

It tells you something about how people get ahead in WWE, when this utter bore-fest, travesty of a wrestling match which made me want to cry, goes ahead, but Carlito, Benoit, Nitro and Chavo are stood on the outside watching.

2.22am
The Match ends as Kane falls asleep. No seriously That’s like David Copperfield getting robbed by a pickpocket.

2.25am
A backstage fight breaks out between The Hardys and TWGTT. Fair enough. I wonder if Tony Garea gets paid extra for appearing on TV to separate these fights.

2.29am
Here comes the Boss. And he has Shane and Umaga in tow.

I can smell the Pudding.

2.32am
Lashley misses his first move. 0 for 1.

2.37am
Jesus, Bobby neds to work on the art o making friends. Not too many folks rushing out to help him right now, is there?

2.43am
That Estrada was useless wasn’t he? Umaga was a mad savage, responding only to the symbolism of breaking a cigar. Two months with The McMahons, and they’ve got him holding trash cans in place and patting the boss’s head.

Speaking of the trash can – it hit Umaga in the head. If wrestling has tought me nothing else, its that Samoans all have heads so hard you cant hurt them. I is confusinged! (sic)

2.45am
Lashley wins, fairly well pud together. All competitors pud in a lot of effort, and credit to them for puddin themselves out. Pudding themselves…….puddin…….PUDDING!

2.51am
After a fun skit with Santino, Maria and Candice (Damn, indeed, Mr Simmons) we’re ready to go. I’m worried about the depth of pudding. Wrestling has had enough bad press, we don’t need items on news programmes worldwide leading with the unfortunate drowning of a diva. Candice and Melina have decent buoyancy aids though.

2.56am
It’s over already. I demand an Iron Woman Pudding match at Vengeance.

3.00am
The cage is lowered, and I’m trying to work out how Edge can retain without Batista losing face. I can only think that Orton will insert himself in the match somehow.

3.25am
A fairly standard cage match, with Edge bumping like a mad thing, and a reasonably logical ending. I like the fact that Edge has now won two matches fairly. Cheaply, yes, but legally nonetheless. I hate it when a heel champion is booked weakly with the belt for no reason other than he isn’t a babyface. To me, he can be a weasel, a whiner and a cheat, but he needs to be a bit of a badass, and a legitimate champion. That way people pay to see them get whats coming to them, and the face looks great for having beaten the guy who hasn’t lost in ages. Remember: ECW = Edge Can Work.

Worth noting that Batista would still make for a reasonably credible challenger, Orton has been build up well, Kennedy and Mysterio aren’t far off returning. The draft could be very interesting.

3.30am
Cena v Khali – this might make the pudding match look like a catch-as-catch-can classic……….

3.41am
Mercifully, as I find myself saying for the second time in 4 weeks, it was short. Just please God, no more of it.

Sorry to be negative about the whole thing, but I cannot in any good faith give a thumbs up to this Pay Per View. Henry v Kane was abysmal, Khali v Cena uninteresting. I have joked about the pudding match, but it was poor fare really. Edge v Batista was fine, but no better than many main events we’ve seen on Raw and Smackdown of late.

Hardys v Haas & Benjamin had its moments, and was probably the best spectacle on the card, although I thought Orton and RVD worked their socks off. Six man tables match was uninspired, and Lashley beating Vince was probably one match too many.

Worth staying up for? Lets just say I’m glad I didn’t have to pay for it.

Extreme-ly glad.